When we had been caring for Spunky Girl for about three or four months, the CASA worker called me after one of the supervised Friday visits with the birthparents. She told me that the birthmother had announced that she was pregnant and expecting to give birth to a baby boy in August.
As a sinful human being, this floored me - in a bad way. Still dealing with the sting and scars of our infertility struggle (the emotional effects of which will never completely go away), it seemed completely unfair for someone who has had their children taken away from them to be able to conceive children when we "normal", "nice" people could not. (Please note my use of quotations! I know there is nothing completely and inherently "normal" or "nice" about pretty much any of us! These are just the thoughts that went through my head at the time.)
Our next question was: "Would we be asked to care for this child as well?" It was inconceivable to us that a couple with children already removed would be allowed to have an infant in their home. The state keeps siblings together whenever possible, so we assumed we would be first on the list for his placement if he was removed from his birthparents' custody. This was a complex issue, because we were still adjusting to having two kids - would we be ready for a third so quickly? How could we say no?
It turns out those thoughts were a little premature. Surprisingly (to us), Spunky Girl's caseworker had not decided to remove yet, and "probably wouldn't", she said. Keep in mind that this was the new caseworker who turned the case towards reunification from the original goal of termination and adoption. She told us that the custody of Spunky Girl was still up in the air, and if she was going to go back anyway, why place the baby into care, just to return a short time later? Regardless, she told us, no decisions would be made until the baby was born.
We were kept somewhat in the dark about any future plans. We didn't hear about how prenatal care was going, if the department had reached any conclusions about the situation. It was mentioned briefly in court, and I have to add that the judge chided the birth couple, saying, "How in the world you thought having another child together when one is in custody and your others have been removed previously is beyond me."
During the first week of June, we were alerted by the CASA worker that Preemie Boy had been born several days before, two months early, and was in the NICU 45 minutes away. We were never spoken to about this birth by Spunky Girl's caseworker, I might add. Nothing more was said, just that the birth was difficult and their were some serious effects of him being so early, so he would be staying there for a while.
At the end of July, we received a call from a CPS investigator. Preemie boy was going to be released from the hospital in a few days. The decision had been made by the Investigations Department to remove him, and as the caregivers of an older sibling, we were being asked to take him in. We agreed, of course, and visited him twice in the NICU. He needed extra special care because of his early arrival and some other pretty serious medical conditions. We learned about these special conditions, and particular feeding and care methods from the nurses.
When you hold any baby for the first time, you always feel amazed at how small they were. With this little guy being so tiny, it was actually scary during the first moments we held him. I remember literally thinking I would hurt him just by holding him wrong. Preemie clothes seemed to swim on him. The little mittens for his hands fell off every few minutes. He was amazingly precious and we ate up every second we got to snuggle with him.
A tricky part of this was that our visits were arranged to avoid any contact with the birthparents at the hospital. They were not visiting often, but they did not know they were about to lose custody (neither did Spunky Girl's caseworker, we found out later). The day we got to take him home, we barely missed them appearing and had to be rerouted out a side entrance, escorted by several security and police officers.
Preemie Boy had to eat every 2.5 hours. Because of his issues, he ate incredibly slowly, so it could take 45 - 60 minutes to get an ounce into his little tummy. The Man of the House was wonderful taking turns all through the day and night to make sure we both had chances to rest. We were so blessed that he arrived at our house in the summer. We were able to catch some naps during the day at least!
He continued to thrive and grow, and began eating every 3 hours, then 3.5, then four. As the weeks plowed on, we grew attached to this precious gift of God, yet, at the same time, were hearing more and more that the case was cementing in favor of reunification for the children with their birthparents. We worried and prayed and worried and prayed.
The day The Man of the House attended the final court hearing to make the official decision about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy, I was actually in court an hour away at Miss A's final court hearing; they occurred on the same day. One reunification decision, one termination decision. It was bittersweet to hear in one breath that we would be parents forever to one child, yet be saying good-bye to two others. Our lives had changed drastically in eleven months - no children, one child, two, three, then back to one.
Some may point out that we knew it wasn't a certain thing that they would stay, that we knew what we were signing up for. I agree with that statement, but it doesn't make it any less painful. When you are in a foster-adopt placement, the idea is that, even if the court hasn't officially terminated the birthparents' rights, it is a good possibility that will happen and plans are being made for an alternate future. You can't help but hope, and dream, and make (tentative) plans for that future.
The decision made was to begin phasing Spunky Girl back immediately over the course of about a week. Medically, Preemie Boy was still fragile and there were still concerns as to his ability to thrive with birthparents. It was agreed that he would stay with us for a short period of time. Spunky Girl spent one night with her birthparents, then came back to us for a night, then spent two nights there, and then two nights back with us before officially being moved permanently back with her birthparents. It was a very rough week. We could see how confused and uprooted she must have been feeling. We heard things in her casual comments about her "other home" that scared us, keeping alive our worries about the home situation. We had no choice but to pray our hearts out. Three or four weeks later, at another court hearing, Preemie Boy was ordered to return as well. This placement happened virtually immediately; the caseworker followed me home from court, where I had a bag packed with his things, and we said goodbye that same afternoon.
God shook us to our cores when Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy were placed back with their birthparents. We struggled with anger, disbelief, confusion, and anxiety for their future. Let me stress - IT WAS NOT EASY! IT WAS NOT FUN! IT WAS NOT THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLANNED IT!
But we're not in control. God reminded us of that in this situation. It sounds so trite to say, but sometimes the simple answers are the best. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) I repeated these words over and over again to myself whenever I felt that sinful voice inside me yelling, "But it's not fair! What about US?"
When it comes down to it, we did what we set out to do: provide love and care for children. If we had biological children, they could leave us at any time, if God willed it to be their time to go to Him. Nothing is guaranteed on this earth. As long as there is sin, there will be pain and suffering. We can always ask, "Why?" But, I've learned, the reasons behind our sufferings and struggles are not as important as our response and the growth that comes through them. We are called to point to God in every situation, being obedient to Him and trusting NO MATTER WHAT.
We are not allowed legally to know any information about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy at this point. I know they are in His hands, and continue to be, as are we and our ever-growing/ever-changing family.
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