Thursday, August 21, 2014

WOW WOW! God's timing is CRAZY! (AKA: WE WERE ON A BREAK!)

A lot of you saw our VERY surprising news Tuesday on Facebook - so here's the full story of how it all went down.

We have a new addition. Yes. A new addition. 24 hours after the twins and their Big Sister left our home.

While we are not allowed to share names, significantly identifying details, or pictures at this point, we can officially share that we are now parents of Little Guy, Miss A, and foster-to-adopt parents of The Tank. (The Man of the House's Name. I just went with it.)

The Tank is a year-and-a-half old, birthday in December. He is a healthy, happy, sweet toddler - who almost weighs more than Little Guy! (Which if you know LG, you know it's probably not that hard to accomplish! Sorry, buddy! I'm not on the tall side either!)

I'll back up to Tuesday morning.

I was at the children's museum with little guy and one of his little buddies, spending the day, enjoying their joyful energy. I missed a phone call from our foster-adopt caseworker and noticed that she had left a message. At the same time, she also texted me. She said, "Angela I didn't know that the kids have left your home – when did that happen? Also please call me ASAP about a potential placement."

So, actually, I had heard about two potential placements that we were being looked at in the relatively near past - which is so strange because we still had five kids in our home. Two weeks ago, there was a baby boy who needed a home, but of course we weren't finished with the case and couldn't say yes. Last Thursday, I got a call from a different case worker about a 2 1/2-year-old girl with a baby brother but in this case there were some moderate to serious health issues that I had asked to get some more information about. My husband and I, when we discussed this, were not completely sure that this would be the right time for a case like this, having just been through so much ourselves. The worker did know that we had current placement, but she was willing to hold the kids in a foster home temporarily until we could have them. I had given her the go-ahead to send me some information about the siblings, but hadn't heard back at that point. (I will note that The Man of the House and I only spoke in private about these calls, not wanting to appear especially to Big Sister that we were already moving on and hunky-dory with their departure, even before it occurred.

Now, let me say that The Man of the House and I were not quite confident that we were wanting to continue going ahead with future foster care placements. This last case, especially the last month or so, has been extremely difficult, very stressful, and very draining. We definitely knew we needed a break of some sort, but we had not yet decided if this break would be permanent or temporary.

The last we discussed it, we had kind of come to the conclusion that maybe we would stay licensed and available for a month or so, but at that point if nothing had come our way, we would consider that the sign that we needed to move on and make our break from foster parenting more permanent. We also said that we would be pretty picky and only take a case that seemed "easy" - or at least easier than this last case.

And then here comes this phone call about a placement again.

I found a quiet minute in the museum as I watched the boys play, and called the caseworker back. She discussed with me for a few minutes the twins and their big sister leaving, gauging how were were handling it and recovering. Then, she said that a caseworker would like me to call her about a potential placement for a little boy. The basic info that she knew was that he was about 18 months old and was healthy and that parental rights had already been terminated, but that I needed to call the caseworker for more details.

Now, the fact that parental rights already been terminated really intrigued me, which meant that we wouldn't have to go through a whole foster case, so I agreed to get the number and call the caseworker.

This little guy was removed at birth from his birth mother, for reasons other than substance-abuse, which is why the majority of newborns are removed the hospital. Suffice it to say that it would not have been a good situation for him to go home with the mother at that point. Both the birth mother and birth father lost parental rights last fall. He had to be removed this month from the foster home, in which he had lived his entire life, along with nine other foster children, none of whom are his biological siblings. He had been in the respite care for three weeks, a holding place until in more permanent home to be found for him. The department wanted a foster adopt home, because with parental rights already terminated, they need a home to adopt him.

The caseworker said that the previous foster family is trying to appeal the decision, which made me think exactly of the twins case - and obviously not in a good way. Could we endure another drawn-out, nasty court drama? But, as she quickly pointed out, they are not family, so they do not have the automatic rights that relations would have. Plus, she said the evidence against them and the safety of their home is too great to merit even going through an appeal, in her opinion. She said is confidant that their case will be dismissed pretty quickly, in her opinion. I asked what she meant by quickly: Is that only a few months? Six months? She said, "Oh, no - one hearing, one afternoon, boom! It will be done." In Texas, you can legally adopt a child after they had been in your home for six months, so she told me, "Although I of course can't promise anything, it's sounding as though you will be able to adopt him six months from now."

At this juncture of the conversation, you'll all be happy to know that I did for once actually get off the phone and call The Man of the House. He was at school, monitoring lunch recess. Here is literally what our conversation went like.

...ring... ring... ring...

TMOTH: Hello?

Me: How quickly can you get one of those cribs put back together?

TMOTH: (split-second-pause) What time will they get there to drop the kid off?

He knew. Bam. He was on board. And it was simple as that.

It's so crazy to think that having gone through so much in the last months, that both of us just immediately felt right with saying yes and jumping right into another child's life. God is so good to heal wounds, or at least begin the healing of them, and allow us to find the path that will most be of benefit to Him and to us as we continue to grow.

After the typical pre-placement whirlwind trip to Target with the two boys - promising Icees in lieu of the fun afternoon they wanted to spend at our house after the museum time - I got home. I threw our bin of 2T clothes into the washer along with our boy crib bedding. I grabbed the pieces of the crib from the garage and the mattress, but - aw man - couldn't find the screws to put it back together myself. I was attempting to be hardcore and efficient and have the whole room set up by the time either the boy or my husband got home, but I had to wait and let him put it together. Don't let it be said that I'm not handy, though. I know my way around building anything from Ikea.

His super sweet caseworker brought the little boy over about 6:30 that night. As I said, the new name with which he has been christened for the blog is The Tank. He is an adorable, chubby little ball of curly, dark hair. And, as I said before, pretty big for his age. His personality is sweet, calm and cheerful. He fussed for only about 10 minutes while the caseworker was here. Once we hit bath time after she left, he was completely comfortable and had a great time splashing around with Little Guy in the bubbles. Bedtime was phenomenal; he laid right down and fell immediately asleep. No fussing, no crying. He must've been pretty tuckered out with all the changes.

It all happened so quickly - one minute you're just trying to catch a breath to recover from what's been happening; the next minute, life has totally changed once again. We both felt such a peace in agreeing to this placement, like it was the most natural thing, and completely what we were supposed to be doing, in the plans all along.

Apparently, there was a court hearing to update on the current placement of the Tank that morning, and the judge told the caseworker to find him a foster-adopt home THAT DAY - not even another night in respite care. And someone there in the courtroom - the caseworker didn't know who it was - said, "Call the Ericksons - they just came available again and they'd be perfect." And so the caseworker found OUR caseworker and asked her to pass along the message for us to contact her.

Just so weird to think about how we said we'd only take another placement - a) if it happened pretty quickly and b) if it was pretty "easy". Bada-bing. Someone up there heard us.

So amazing to think about how God was protecting and watching over this little fellow. We had no idea he existed until Tuesday, but He's been in God's care the entire time. There is a plan for him, and whether or not we're a permanent part of it, we know in Whose Hands the story is written.

We all really appreciate your rejoicing with us - and for not saying you think we're crazy (at least out loud!) for taking this on so soon after our last case. God loves to surprise us. Blessed are the flexible, amiright?

Please keep the case in your prayers. We hope and pray for God's will to be done, and the human side of us says, "That means he stays with us!" But, we know to just live in the moment, love each other as best as we can, and leave the ending up to Someone else. We pray for Miss A and Little Guy to continue to be as enamored with the Tank as they have been the past few days - we've all just fallen in love with him. So proud of them for their resiliency as well.

Please also keep the twins and their Big Sister in your prayers as they transition, begin school, and create new connections. We don't know if we'll hear from them someday, but, if we do, we hope it's good news.

Thanks, all!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Saying Goodbye

We had a pretty huge whirlwind of a weekend-plus-Monday.

The twins came back from their visit only in slightly better moods than normal, and it took over half an hour to calm them down enough to put them to bed, once we got the bedtime routine down and actually started the laying down part. The next day, one of the twins screamed "NO" at absolutely everything I said or asked, and the other one hit everyone all morning. Sigh.

At 11 o'clock, two vans pulled into the driveway. We were outside coming in, as we had just made a last-minute Target run. Two caseworkers I hadn't met came up to the door, started helping to load up their things, and that was that.

One twin seemed pretty nonchalant about it, but to her it probably appeared to be just a normal day, with a car ride to somewhere new. The other started grabbing my arm as I was buckling her into her carseat, saying, "No, mommy, no! No go!" She seemed to understand that something was different about it - maybe because she saw us loading all of their clothes and toys into the back of the vans. Big Sister wasn't completely crying, but we both were holding back tears and sniffling hard. I told her several times, "Remember we love you. Remember we love you."

And then it was done.

There was supposed to be a phone call beforehand to tell us what time the kids were getting picked up, but it never came, so The Man of the House was at school working on preparations for the first day of school, which was the following day. I tried to call him when the vans pulled up, but he was away from his phone for those five minutes, and called me back just after they left, so he didn't get to say goodbye.

As soon as the door closed, Miss A burst into tears and we spent a few minutes cuddling on the couch and just letting it all out.

The Man of the House came home for lunch so we could all be together as a family of four. We spent part of the next hour shifting kids' beds around, putting the twins' cribs/toddler beds into the garage. It wasn't a heartless maneuver, but it was cathartic, and healing, to look ahead and get a fresh start, even if it was just the bedroom furniture. We both felt like we needed to do something just to keep moving for a little bit.

The great news is that we can start the new school year tomorrow with a fresh slate. Miss A is excited about first grade, and my husband is excited about his new 4th grade class. Everyone is ready to continue to grow as a family and grow in faith in whatever endeavor the Lord has for us next.

Thanks again for all of your prayers and encouragements. There are so many different emotions floating around our heads - both grief and relief, to name a few. We're confident that we're just where we need to be, that God doesn't make mistakes, and that we did our small part in His kingdom with His little ones for the last ten months.We honestly don't know at this point where our future lies in the foster care world, but we'll put it in His hands.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Second Visit Report

This weekend, the twins and Big Sister all went on a visit together to the twins' grandparents' home. The grandparents recently came to court to ask for custody of all five siblings, as I mentioned before, and the kids were ordered to have all-weekend visits with them on the 2nd and 4th weekends until the next court date.

We were a littler nervous as to how this weekend would go, especially after how the twins reacted when they arrived back at our home on Sunday. The kids have never met these grandparents, as they are the parents of the twins' father who was estranged from them pretty soon after their birth. We also heard that they are almost exclusively Spanish-speaking, and none of the kids actually know Spanish, even though they are Hispanic as well. We hoped for the best.

And when they came home this time, it was a totally different experience. The twins were smiling and laughing and singing like "usual". Big Sister even told us she had a good time, and told us excitedly about all of the places they took them and everything they bought for them to wear, eat, or play with over the weekend.

It seems like it actually was a very good experience for everyone. Bedtime went off without a hitch or fuss from anyone. No nightmares, no tantrums. And, so far, this week has been fairly "normal".

I texted the caseworker this and our opinions on how well the kids were reacting. She agreed that it seemed to be a very good situation all around.

I then asked her what the next step was, if the home study was finished, if a definite plan had been set up yet. She told me that the home study came back positive, with no red flags. The department is ready to move them over there, we just have to figure out a day and get logistics figured out. She thought it would happen early next week. My only issue was reminding her that school starts next week, and it would be best to move the kids sooner rather than later, so Big Sister and the twins' 3-year-old sibling can get situated before the first day of school. She agreed, but said a final date still wasn't certain.

Anyways, this is a big relief to know that, even if our days are definitely numbered with these three, they are going to a place where we all feel comfortable with, at this point. I personally would much rather have them leave us to go to these grandparents, since it went so well, rather than the cousins from whose home they came.

Prayers please as we go through the transition. We have to figure out a way to discuss it with Little Guy and Miss A, so that they handle it with discretion and properly in front of the other three. Big Sister seems happier about the move, and even seems to be looking forward to it, since she got to see some old friends and schoolmates while there. We hope it all continues to be a positive rounding-up of their time here, and looking forward to what's in store next for all of us.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Where the Future Lies

It seems like there now is some resolution, at least for the Erickson family.

The kids' caseworker came over this morning to chat over the weekend plans, especially with Big Sister, and to gauge how she takes the news about her going on the weekend visit with the twins' grandparents.

Big Sister took it pretty well, and was only a little bit quiet, but seemed to have a handle on her emotions throughout the day. She said she was looking forward to a whole 48 hours with her other two siblings. She also seemed a bit curious about these grandparents and how they would be, and what living in their home would be like.

While she was there, the caseworker also gave us some news. She told us that the home study is almost complete on the grandparents. It should be due Monday (the 11th), and as long as there are no red flags, which there haven't been up to this point, the kids will move there next week.

The kids will continue to have weekend visits with the cousins / previous caregivers until the judge makes a final decision as to their permanent placement. We hope, for everyone's sake, that that takes place sooner rather than later.

We were taken aback for a second, of course, for the abruptness of finding this out. However, we are fully supportive of the five siblings being together, provided it's in a healthy setting, obviously. The judge and the department really want the five of them together, and that's not something we can provide.

We will miss them, and it will be incredibly weird for a while to only have two kids again. But, on the human side, there is a lot of relief that at least we're getting off the crazy train of court appearances and delays. I think, emotionally, we definitely need some time to reign ourselves in and recover from the ups and downs that this past year has had for us.

What will the future hold for us as a family? We don't know. We haven't made a decision yet as to whether or not we'll stay in the foster care system and go another round. We are absolutely head over heals in love with our two kids and content with our family. But... we always said we wanted three or four kids. We'll put it in God's hands as to whether he adds more to our group, and when, and how.

Thanks again all, for the encouragement and prayers. God is good, all the time.

Monday, August 4, 2014

First Weekend Visit - Let Chaos Reign

Preamble: I'm trying not to dwell too much on all the negatives right now. Please excuse me if that's what this post sounds like!

The twins went on their first all-weekend visit to their cousins' home - the family who served as their previous caregivers. Before I reflect on that, I'll chat a bit about the lead-up to the visit.

We were asked by the caseworker not to tell Big Sister that the judge wanted her to go on these visits with her siblings. The caseworker wanted to be the one to tell her. But, she was then unable to come that day, and then unable to come the next morning, so on the night before the visit, she asked us to tell Big Sister.

After the little kids were asleep, we sat her down and explained that the family had come to court asking for custody of her as well, that they were willing to work on reconciliation, working through the past issues, and on making sure she felt comfortable in their home. We told her that the judge had extended the weekend visits from 6 hours on every other Saturday, to the entire weekend, and that the judge wanted her to go, but that she would not be forced to go, if she didn't want to. That evening, she reacted very introspectively and calmly. The first thing she said was, "Well, if I go, I get to spend time with my siblings all weekend. And I get to watch out for them and make sure they're okay." We talked a while about having positive expectations, going in with an open mind, how going on this visit would show her own growth and maturity, and that making a fair try could show everyone good steps in a positive direction. We left it at that, and said it was up to her, and she could sleep on the decision.

The next day, though, she was in a pretty major funk about the situation. When we asked her about her decision in the afternoon, it started out with, "I don't know what to do," and then it escalated with her confronting us - "You don't want me here anymore. You're trying to get rid of me. You can't tell me what to do - you're not my parents." We tried to discuss with her that we were just modeling decision-making strategies, that we weren't telling her to go or not to go, that it was her decision, and that nobody would force her to go, that this was the judge's ruling, not ours, etc. But, she was emotionally distraught at this point and wasn't able to continue to calm herself down very well.

Finally, the Man of the House put his foot down and said, "It would not be healthy or a good experience for you to go at this point, with you so upset about it. Let's all just agree that you're not going this weekend, and we'll talk it through with the caseworker about the rest of the weekends." She calmed down and apologized to us both for her behavior, and we expressed to her forgiveness, and that this whole situation just stinks for all of us. It's expected that there will be some very strong emotions and that we all will deal with it differently.

The visits are set from 6 pm on Friday to 6 pm on Sunday.


Thursday, July 31, 2014

Keeping on Keeping on

Another court date has come... and now gone. And we still have no resolution.

The judge declined to rule AGAIN today. He still does not think he has adequate information to make a final final decision.

I'm feeling not very verbose at the moment, so I'll organize my thoughts that way, regarding new info and decisions and orders.

I. Updates on All Parties
    A. Cousins (Previous caregivers)
        1. Came to court now saying they DO want to have custody of Big Sister (after saying for a year that she is a liar who made up the entire allegations to spite them, and defaming her and her character at every court hearing)
        2. "Really want to work with her, help her along, come together as a family, do whatever we need to do."
    B. Grandparents (twins' paternal grandparents, no relation to Big Sister)
        1. Home study still ongoing
        2. Desire for custody of all 5 kids still present
    C. Aunt/Uncle
        1. Home study begun
        2. Assuming they still desire custody of all 5 siblings
II. Judge's Orders
    A. Visits
        1. 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends, all 5 siblings are to spend with the cousins, 6 pm on Friday through 6 pm on Sunday.
        2. 2nd and 4th weekends, all 5 siblings are to spend with the grandparents, 6 pm on Friday through 6 pm on Sunday.
        3. How long? Indefinitely. No end date set.
    B. Therapy
        1. Big Sister is not ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED to attend weekend visits, just requested; however she is ordered to do family therapy with the cousins to discuss and overcome the previous issues and current tension, and to be monitored in terms of interactions on both sides.
        2. All 5 Siblings are ordered to do family therapy with the grandparents to have interactions observed.
III. Next Court Date
    A. Not Scheduled.
    B. No Idea.
    C. Sigh.
IV. End in Sight?
    A. Not Scheduled.
    B. No Idea.
    C. Sigh.
So, in conclusion, the kids are pretty much going to be with us only Monday through Friday for the foreseeable future. Every other weekend, they will spend 48 hours with a different family.

We were able to sit Big Sister down and discuss big portions of all of this. We discussed the visit this weekend (she's willing to think about it overnight and decide tomorrow if she's going or not), but not a lot about the ordered therapy with the cousins. We're easing her into that one gradually and the caseworker will discuss it more with her next week. Her attitude right now is that she probably will give the visits a try, since she's being given the option, but, also, "I will stand in front of that judge right now and tell him I'm never going back to live in that house." We discussed going into the visits with forgiveness, no preconceived notions, and a helpful heart. We hope that that can happen for her, and that there would be at least some positives and growth come from the time spent together for relationship building.

The judge seems to really be wanting one of these placements to be the kids' permanent placements. Which we fully support for the reason of them being together, assuming of course that everything is okay at the final home and nobody will be in danger - mental or physical.

We are very disappointed in these decisions today, though. The kids will have such turmoil and added stress because of the lack of one steady home for the foreseeable future. They already have SUCH a rough time coming back from their Saturday 6-hour visit - as any shared-custody family can attest to, these disruptions really play havoc on you, no matter what age you are. The schedule was given us in terms of which weeks of the month, which means this could go on for more than one month - maybe even several months. There was no subsequent court date scheduled today, so we have no idea how long this schedule will last.

Of course, another frustration is the amount of driving and inconvenience this puts on our family. This means lots and lots of miles spent ferrying the kids back and forth. Our weekends - or at least our Friday and Sunday nights - are pretty shot.

I share all of this, not to be whiny. I'm sorry if it comes across that way. But, I want to be real and share the actual details that happen and our honest reactions. Sometimes things are out of your control and that's scary and maddening. We are very disappointed, frustrated, and saddened. I've personally been really up and down with handling the past few weeks well and not-so-well. Emotions are very real, and complex. I have had many, many, many moments when I just ask God why we couldn't have had a "normal" life.

We really really covet your prayers and positive thoughts over the future - these disruptions are going to be interesting to navigate. All of us, every age, will have some fall out from the changes and going back and forth.

The good to come out of this is how loved we've been feeling by our families and friends. Going through this has truly shown us how supportive y'all are. Feeling that strength behind us has been invaluable. You are treasured! Thank you for thinking of us!

Signing off for tonight...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

July 31st

So, court today did not provide the intended resolution we had hoped for. We are actually rescheduled AGAIN for July 31st.

Ah, the lovely court system.

We began this morning dropping the youngest little ones in their various places. Miss A was shuttled to tennis camp, Little Guy went to a friend's house for some much-needed "guy time", and the twins went with one of our close teacher friends. Big Sister came with us to court, on the chance that she would get the opportunity to speak with the judge. The lawyer visited yesterday, and assured us that she would be kept in another room, and the judge would go to her, so she would be able to avoid the witness stand in front of everyone involved.

We arrived and got to our court room. There were three short cases heard before us that needed quick decisions, and then were over. Around 9:30, it was time for our kids' case to be heard.

The morning had been otherwise cleared for the judge to focus his attention on this case, but there were twelve witnesses, almost every single one for the biological family as character witnesses and such. I was asked to speak on behalf of the twins' and Big Sister's current statuses. In these serious cases, they make the witnesses leave the court room until their turn on the stand, so no collusion or influencing happens, apparently. I spent almost all morning in the hallway waiting to go on the stand (eating Twizzlers and Pinteresting/Facebooking from my phone... :-))

Before the witnesses were dismissed, the judge spoke for a while. He explained that this was becoming a long, drawn-out process (uh, yes!), and requested everyone to be brief and factual. He told us he was cutting off the case at noon. He made the point several times that this was incredibly hard, because in either leaving the kids where they are currently or returning them, they would not be together as a whole, 5-sibling group. In the midst of our introductions, lawyers two new family members came forward - some grandparents and an aunt - who are wanting custody of the group.

I have written many times before about how bad we feel that we couldn't take in all five of the siblings and provide them a home together. I have seen how the kids, even at their young ages, yearn for each other, ask for each other, get excited when they see each other. It was a bit of a surprise to hear about the new family members coming in to the picture, and to hear their home studies be requested as a potential to move the kids there. However, we cannot fault the logic, and would rejoice if a positive solution could be found to keep all of the kids together.

So, my thought was, with the way he was talking to everyone, that the judge was probably going to throw out the case of the cousins who want the twins and their two young siblings back, but order the Department to expedite home studies on the other family members and get all five kids there as soon as possible. That was my prediction.

My Twizzlers and I waited in the hallway and were called after a little more than a hour. I hadn't known I would officially go up to a witness stand, on a podium, with a big chair, and a microphone, right next to the court recorder, and everything. Talk about legit witnessing! I whispered to the court reporter as I sat down, "Wow, this is intense!"

I was asked some basic questions about the twins' progress at our home since their placement. I spoke of how they both came in with slight developmental delays and were receiving various therapy services, but within two or three months had been deemed ineligible for more therapy due to their great progress. I spoke of how they both had nightmares several times a night for the first two months, and how then we were able to work through that. I was asked about Big Sister, if I felt she was "normal" (I answered, "Are any of us really normal?" before speaking out how she needs lots of love and attention right now, but has such great potential if she can focus on achieving her dreams and staying on target.) I was asked if I thought she was a liar, which I truthfully answered, "No."

Then the family's lawyer began questioning me. She asked if the department had told me we would adopt the twins if/after the family loses their rights. I answered, "We are a foster-adopt home. We take in kids that need to be fostered, knowing there is legal risk, and agreeing that, if needed and agreed upon by all parties if the parents' rights are terminated, that we are the next logical place to look for a permanent home." She told me I didn't answer her question, and pretty heatedly repeated, "Did the department tell you that you would adopt the twins if the family loses their rights?" So I repeated, "We are a foster-adopt home. We take in kids that need to be fostered, knowing there is legal risk, and agreeing that, if needed and agreed upon by all parties if the parents' rights are terminated, that we are the next logical place to look for a permanent home." (Yes, original. I was feeling a little... facetious.) She was pretty heated at that point, and said, "It's a simple yes or no answer. Did the Department tell you that?" At that point, I glanced at the caseworker, and she stood up and said, "Objection, your honor. She's answering the question just fine." And the judge said, "Yes, she did. Move on." (Yay.)

We rested. So, that was the end of my time in the chair.

(Big Sister ended up not being seen by the judge. The girl did play many games of monopoly with a court worker who was in the sequestering room to supervise her, though.)

After one more witness, heard over the phone, the judge announced that it was near noon and he needed to close this up, but wasn't ready to rule. He specifically wanted to see for himself the actual affidavit given by the children when the issues were first reported, to see the exact allegations as well as the exact wording given by Big Sister and three other older siblings in the other home. So, he rescheduled for us for first thing on Thursday, July 31st.

One thing to be thankful for is that this judge is taking the decision very seriously. That is definitely a positive. However, this case has been opened since 2011, when the kids were first removed from their biological mother, and the cousins who were their previous home have been being investigated since last summer, a whole year. There is a sense that there has been plenty of time to hear all of the evidence and to be able to make a clear-headed decision, and the only ones being hurt are the children from not having the stability of one permanent home.

So, that's where we stand today. We will reconvene on July 31st, and hopefully have a final answer THEN.

Big Sister seemed to keep all of the news in stride, although she said it would not be a good situation to be placed with the grandparents in the picture, as they were the twins' grandparents and not hers, and she felt they enabled the poor behavior of their son (not her father). But, we'll just see what the judge orders.

We're not upset about the other potential family members coming into the picture. In the end, this isn't about feeling defensive or possessive about the kids and where they end up. We are here to support them (as easy and as hard as that sounds) and to make sure they have the best situation for the future. If we were a landing zone for them to get some stability before moving on to another family member, then we played our role as best as we could. We know the courts want to keep families together as much as possible, and we respect that.

We'll just keep praying and trusting in the things God is doing in OUR family.

Thanks again, y'all...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

At Least Tomorrow We'll Know

Tomorrow is SUPPOSED to be FINALLY the ending court appearance for the twins and their siblings. We were told last month when it was rescheduled that the judge was putting aside the entire morning to give his full attention to the case, and that he intended to make a final decision on their futures, and not reschedule again.

We've been through this before. It's not our first rodeo, so to speak. We know what it feels like to hear that a child will be with you forever, and we know what it feels like to be told to say goodbye.

But we always knew what was going to happen, or at least what was pretty likely to happen.

Tomorrow, we have no idea what the outcome could be. It completely could go either way, according to the lawyer, the caseworker, and even our own perceptions.

We're prepared for any scenario. We're trusting in the hand of God guiding us and His steps walking right beside us. We know we're not alone.

We know the deal of this life. We know the risks, and we know the percentages. We still feel called to this at this time, that this journey was absolutely where we were supposed to be, for us and for the kids whose lives we've been blessed to be a part of.

There's definitely emotions of all kinds happening now. Tomorrow will be a rollercoaster, and we'll ride it out.

We thank you all for your concern, for your encouragement, for your prayers. We come again and ask for them all over again. We're not asking for a certain solution, but just for God's will to be done. We don't ask to get "our way", but to have grace under any circumstances that happen tomorrow. We don't want to dictate things to go how we planned, but that we are given the courage to be strong for the kids and for each other.

God is good, and He will still be in control no matter what happens tomorrow.

We are scheduled to begin at 9 am. If you're able and if you think about it, please send up a few prayers or good thoughts for us! Thank you!

God bless you all!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Long Awaited Court Update - The Saga Continues

Sorry this post was so long in coming. I kept meaning to write it, then kept meaning to finish it, but... anyways...

So, on Thursday, June 12th (our rescheduled court date, the rescheduling of which we found out had happened when we showed up three days earlier, if you remember) we showed up again at the courthouse in San Antonio. Another sweet friend had volunteered to have the kids over for the morning, which was a double blessing because they have a young lady Big Sister's age. We were happy for her to get to meet a new friend!

It's hard to list all of the emotions that play out when you're heading to court for one of these hearings or trials. There's a nervous, pit-of-your-stomach sourness that makes you want to be sick, just thinking of the whole situation. There's relief that finally a decision will be made, if it is the end of the case, or nearing the end of the case. There's anxiety about potentially having to make immediate plans and logistics for a child (or children) to leave your home, if that's what's decided. There's a sadness for the loss that may occur, and a chiding of yourself for feeling that emotion before anything's been official. There's hope, but it's being pressed down, again as another emotion that should be too premature for focusing on yet.

You get to the building, then try to find your court room, if the place is as big as the San Antonio courthouse. (In our town, there are usually only one or two courtrooms at the location, but there are three different locations around town that have been used in our cases, so it's always a matter of actually finding the right spot around town!) You wait around for someone you know, whether it be lawyers or caseworkers or therapists (or even the biological family, with whom interacting can be a variety of different experiences - not always negative, but always interesting).

We waited a while before our "replacement" caseworker found us, as I had mentioned that our caseworker is on a sick leave of an undetermined length. She had nothing new to report to us, just that we needed to be prepared for whatever the judge may order.

We had arrived at 9, and the case was seen a little after 11. We were never asked to come up to the front to speak or even be seen. Our case time was over within five or six minutes. The judge declared that he "didn't have time for all this today" and we would reconvene on July 16th.

Sigh.

I get it. This is a complicated case. CPS is calling it "High-Profile" and is putting their best people and best attorneys on it. There are five kids involved.

But these kids have been away from the home for almost a year - and were removed from their mother almost two years ago. They deserve a quicker resolution. The judge should have an idea from all of the previous hearings and all of the evidence that he has looked at in preparation for the ruling. This was supposed to be THE day - THE DAY that the kids' fates were decided. Having been rescheduled from Monday, having been rescheduled from March and April, having been rescheduled from January 29th... Ugh...

I had made a snarky comment to The Man of the House while we were waiting in the hallway: "You know what would be worse than hearing they have to go back today? Hearing that this ruling is being postponed."

Ay-yi-yi.

Sigh.

Sorry for sounding negative. It is one of the frustrating parts of dealing with the court system. But we are all human, and things come up.

Blessed be the flexible, right?

So, we'll hang on tight for another month and see what happens. Thanks again for all of the prayers and encouragement! I'll be striving to update more about how we're doing as a family of seven (ahhh!) soon! God's blessings on your day!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Court Rescheduled for Thursday (Otherwise Entitled "Delay of Game")

This morning was the day for which we had been waiting for a long time. January 29th was supposed to be the day that the twins' permanent placement was decided. On that day, the presiding judge turned the case over to District Court, and we were told that a trial would happen sometime at the end of March or early April. When the official date came, it was June 9th. June 9th would finally be the day when we learned if the twins would be staying with us forever or returning to their family.

I have to preface today's adventure by noting that our caseworker has been very ill, and is actually on medical leave, we found out last week. This explains why we hadn't heard much about the trial happening this week, and even as of this weekend, weren't sure precisely of the time or exact courtroom for Monday morning, even though we had left several messages with the department and the twins' lawyer over the last few weeks.

We arrived at the courthouse a little after nine today. We had not been prepped as to which courtroom or which floor - and the San Antonio courthouse is a huge place (with forty-four courtrooms, as I learned today). We had been calling all morning to find someone who knew where we were supposed to be.

When I finally got a phone call back from the lawyer at a little after ten, she was confused as to why I was at court. "Why are you there today when it's been rescheduled for Thursday?"

Ahhhhhhhhh............

Apparently, at last week's mediation hearing to prep all of the lawyers and caseworkers for the trial, the District Court representatives made the announcement that they will not be handling the case - it's not what they do, not enough basis for a District appearance, etc. So, we were put back into the former CPS court judge's docket, and rescheduled for Thursday. Only, nobody told us this - the rescheduling or the reason.

It's easy for things to fall through the cracks, I'm sure. Our caseworker is out indeterminately, so she may not have even been personally present at the meeting last week where the change was made. The lawyer probably thought it was the department's job to communicate details with us about the court appearances. The lawyer was very apologetic, which was nice to hear. These things happen. Still, it was incredibly frustrating to have rearranged work schedules, found childcare for the kids, and then drive an hour one way to hear that you didn't have to come.

Additionally, this means that the twins' case is being given back to the judge who has made it abundantly clear that he thinks there wasn't enough evidence to remove the children in the first place. This is the judge who ordered the six-hour-long unsupervised weekend visits. This doesn't leave us with too much wondering about what decision he is likely to make.

We talked with several people at CPS to try to figure out where to go from here. Long story short, we're just praying that the twins and their siblings have fair representation on Thursday. We hope somebody will step up, learn about the case, and be able to accurately represent the children. To think that there will be somebody at the front of the courtroom on Thursday who knows nothing about the history, or, even worse, nobody at all to speak for them and us, is a horrible thought.

But, these things are not under our control - and for a reason. The Man of the House and I told each other all day that it's always been in God's hands - we know that and we trust in that. As a wonderful close friend says, "God is who He says He is." We know that He knows all about this situation and that it won't change His presence in our lives and in the lives of these children.

The delaying of the final decision is obviously wearing. We are ready just to know the outcome and be ready to start the next chapter of our lives, however it looks.

We are unsure if we will be making the journey back to court on Thursday. We had already made arrangements for today, as I said before. We are not expected to speak; we were only wanting to go to hear the final decision for ourselves.

We would ask for prayers for calm and understanding, for patience, for perspective. You all are so great and lift us up, always just when we need it. Thanks for following along on this journey with us, through the good and the bad, the mundane and the frustrating, through all of the struggles and the blessings. We are blessed to have you as friends and family. Hugs going out to you all!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Big Sister Joins Us Friday!

We've been sitting on some news for about a week, letting it all soak in.

The twins' Big Sister is moving in to our house on Friday afternoon!

Here's the thing: we were so impressed with her on the night we first met her, back in December, that we talked about her the entire way home. She was so good with the kids, so polite, so shy, and yet you could see there were definitely scars there that would need to be healed. The family she was with said that they were just foster parents and they didn't know where she would end up permanently; they even commented - "She just wants to be with her siblings so badly. Would you have room to take her to make that happen?" Of course this was the other foster parents, not a caseworker,so it wasn't anything close to an official request, but, man, it was painful to think of her being all by herself, when at least the other four were in pairs. I remember on the way home that night discussing with the Man of the House, could we take her, and we said we wouldn't go make anything happen and we wouldn't ask the caseworker about it, but if it came to US being approached by the caseworker to take her in, that would mean we needed to seriously consider it.

We were actually asked to consider taking her in before her first weekend visit with us. Our caseworker - not hers - came to the house unannounced about 8:00 in the morning. She came to discuss the possibility with me, just an initial "throwing it out there".

This was the same week that we had been asked about the other two siblings. That prospect scared me. That stressed me out, even thinking about it. Six kids, five of them three and under, at home all day long. We didn't feel equal to the task. However, when asked about Big Sister, it felt different. She's old enough to be more self-sufficient and could actually help instead of being another little one to watch over.

So, we agreed to consider taking in Big Sister.

Then the weekend we had her, everything went very well. She played with Miss A and Little Guy just as much and as well as she did with the twins. When she was leaving, however, she told us that the caseworker had just had a conversation with her, at our house that afternoon, that she (Big Sister) was probably heading to her aunt's home soon. We hadn't heard anything about this, and still thought we were the main (only?) consideration for Big Sister's future home, but we were happy for her that there was someone in the family who could potentially care for her, which would give her the opportunity to at least have some contact with her siblings in the future.

This was about the time when I wrote the post saying that my husband and I were contented with the entire situation, and everyone's future, and were considering it the best situation for her to go to the family.

However, when I brought this up with the caseworker, she said that there wasn't even a homestudy started yet for the aunt, and that Big Sister had been stating that she didn't want to go there, and that she wanted to be with us. Big Sister had told the caseworker that she understood that the twins could go back to the family, and she said it made no difference - she wanted to be adopted by us. And the word she kept using, according to the caseworker, was "humbled". She was so "humbled" that we would want to have her spend weekends with us, that we would allow her into our home.

To hear all of that was pretty heart-wrenching, obviously. But we dithered and dallied for a while.

I am not by nature an indecisive person. I make decisions - even big ones - fairly easily without many regrets. I trust my instincts plus the logical processes of my brain, choose a course, and, once decided upon, I don't look back. College, major, dating my now-husband, accepting my first job, choosing to stay at home for a time with the kids... The decisions were reached pretty quickly, pretty easily, and not without a lot of stressing once I had decided. I don't mean to say that I'm impulsive - I think cutting to the heart of the matter, weighing gut instincts along with hard facts, is a gift I've been blessed with. I trust that God is guiding my decisions, and, with prayer beforehand, I trust that His plan is the best and that He has led me/us to the right decision.

But that was not how this decision went.

The Man of the House and I have been on an absolute rollercoaster together making this decision. The awesome thing was to see how in synch we were in our thinking. One day, he came to me saying, "It's funny, but I feel like God's been throwing the story of Jonah to me today. It's like He's saying, 'I've put this immense task before you, and I need you to follow me,' and that if we say no to the Big Sister, it's like Jonah running away from Nineveh." What's crazy is that I had been contemplating the Biblical account of Jonah the same day too, and was thinking almost the exact same thoughts! And then a few days later, he came to me and said, "I've been thinking, and I really feel that we need to say no, that someone else would be a better fit and do a better job," which was what I had been feeling that day as well. And so our conversations and deliberation went, back and forth, back and forth, but always on the same page.

Our worries had really nothing to do with Big Sister. We are under no illusions that taking in a thirteen-year-old will be easy. Yet, caring for hurting children is why we're here, why we have continued to follow this path for almost six years. We had a dream of SOMEDAY adopting or at least fostering teenagers, when "our" kids were older... Hmmm... What funny plans we make, right?!

The biggest worry was our own fallibility. We are thirty-one and thirty-two-years-old. We have a six-year-old. We've never raised a teenager. Who are we to think we're capable of this already? With my background as a youth ministry leader and middle school teacher, I've had experience with teenagers. And that is very different than raising one, I understand.

Honestly, a worry that was just as big was the reaction of everyone around us. From our families to friends and even acquaintances, was everyone going to tell us we were absolutely crazy... and/or ill-equipped and unprepared? What was everyone going to think?

Which of course is a ridiculous factor to use in making a decision. But, to be transparent, it was one of the biggest worries on my mind.

Actually, not just a worry. It's made me pretty terrified to consider what some people might be thinking about this choice. I've definitely lost sleep imagining some of the comments people will undoubtedly make - most without meaning to harm or hurt, I'm sure.

After the second visit, my husband and I talked extensively about the whole situation. We both felt that everything was so "right" and comfortable, that having her in our home felt incredibly natural, like she was meant to be there. And she was so much more relaxed, making jokes and making herself at home. Since before the first visit, she had been calling two or three times a week, so we had talked with her a lot and gotten to know her even better.

So, when the caseworker said that her time was running out at the emergency shelter in which she's staying, and that they needed to find a home for her soon, we said yes.

And the funny thing is, the panic stayed away.

And as the days keep going by until her arrival, we've all just been feeling happier and more excited. We're so ready to get her out of that shelter and into the home of a real family (as flawed as this one is!).

We had a family meeting to discuss it before we gave an answer. Obviously, Miss A is really the only one who can understand it with any "adult" perspective and give a real answer. She was excited and really excited to share her room. She loves the big girls at school, and is thrilled to have a big sister around all the time.

We have her room all ready. Some very sweet friends gave us a loft bed with a desk underneath it. It fits great in Miss A's room. We got some closet and desk organization items. We wanted it to look homey when she arrives, so she knows how excited we are and how much we planned for and anticipated her coming.

Because this girl has been through the wringer due to the failings of many adults in her life. She deserves stability and love, and place to call "home", and patience to smooth out and heal her scarred edges.

It's not going to be easy. Please hear me say that, and that we're not entering into this without lots of forethought, lots of conversations with caseworkers. There will be many aspects of positive guidance to put into place with the help of her new school, the caseworkers, ongoing therapy, etc. We'll seek your prayers and encouragement even more now. But we are excited and looking forward to this next chapter in our stories.

At this time, she does not have another option going forward. Our family is to be looked at as an adoptive placement for the time being. The sticky thing is that the trial begins next week, and precious time with her biological siblings could be drawing to an end. There is not a plan for reunification between her and the family, on the request of both parties. So, the twins and their two other siblings are one case, having their future placement determined next week, separate from Big Sister. She says she understands that it's looking like they are heading back, and that, if she is adopted by us, she more than likely will not have contact with them after they leave. We are willing to adopt her and give her a permanent, forever family, but if she changes her mind and wants to look into another family, however distantly related, we will support it, and we will be for her what we need to be, for the time that we need to be it. We're leaving that final call up to her, but our stance is that we would love to adopt her and not have her have to go through another placement with a family she doesn't know. But, at this time, wheels will begin to move towards us adopting Big Sister.

Please keep her in your thoughts, as any transition can add stress of some level. We pray that she is able to feel safe and trusting here, and to feel completely comfortable in our home, enough to let her guard down all the way and just be loved for who she is. We also ask for prayers for the other little ones, as they transition into having one more added to the mix here in our crazy house. May everyone be positive, patient, loving, and forgiving. We thank God for this opportunity to be His hands and feet and help our kids see the need to reach out and help - no matter how scary it is. We just ask that we not mess it up too much, that Good would be done here.

Thank you for your encouragement! You all mean so much to us! Hugs!

Friday, May 23, 2014

A Home for the Twins' Siblings!

I had written a while back that I may have good news to share about the twins' siblings and their placement, but I couldn't at the time because it wasn't final. I have shared before that they have been in a shelter for about two months now, after their foster family asked for their removal.

Well, the 3-year-old sister and 1-year-old brother went to a new family this week! AND they're in the same town as us! AND we know them!

It's a long-ish story. We met the couple at a foster parent training and knew mutual friends. We have met for dinner and play dates a few times over the last year. They are such a sweet, loving, faith-filled family with three biological children already.

Right around the time when we found out that the two siblings were sent to the children's shelter, and we were unable to take them in, I ran into the woman at the library. She was very excited to tell me that they were finally, finally officially approved to take in foster children. All they needed to do was wait for an opportunity to come their way. I was beyond excited to hear this, literally the DAY after we had to say no to taking in the two siblings. I called our caseworkers and lawyers to tell them about this family.

Time passed on, and I believe that the placement didn't happen at first because this family is a foster family, and they are really wanting a foster-adopt family. The caseworkers and lawyer are attempting to show that they are working towards permanence and security. I understood that, but I was disheartened, because it seemed like such a good situation - awesome family, we already knew each other so we would be comfortable meeting up, close proximity to us for visits and play time, etc.

Well, the mom let me know that the siblings are moving in this week with them! We're so very excited for both the foster family and the two beautiful children they are taking in. God always has a plan, and we are so happy to see this chapter play itself out!

We're already making plans to get together this weekend so the four siblings can see each other.

God answers prayers!

Monday, May 19, 2014

In Which We Experience Whiplash

So...

I wrote an update yesterday. We had had some news yesterday about the case, that maybe the twins would be leaving early due to an "emergency hearing" that got scheduled for this Wednesday by the biological family members.

The twins's caseworker called this afternoon. Apparently, there was a meeting today between the lawyers and caseworkers on the twins' case. They convinced the family and their lawyer to drop the hearing they scheduled for this week, that there are only three weeks left until the trial, that moving the kids with the potential of moving them again would not be in their best interest.

So, whiplash. Back and forth, back and forth. I am very thankful that the twins aren't old enough to be able to follow all of these happenings.

We're glad that someone realized this wasn't a good idea. AND, at the same time, honestly, we had over the last twenty-four hours geared ourselves up and prepared to hear that the twins were leaving this week. Though we're happy they aren't definitely leaving yet, at least that hearing would have been some sort of decision, and not dragging this out any further.

Anyways, just another day. We learned to go with the flow a long time ago! My favorite tongue-in-cheek proverb is: "Blessed are the flexible, for they will never be bent out of shape."

Thanks for letting me give a quick update! For now, good night, sleep tight, friends!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Update on Court Case

We had a very nice weekend again spending time with the twins' Big Sister. Quick recap: I was putting in some time working, so The Man of the House picked her up on Friday. We did presents before heading to bed that night. A great adventure hiking around a trail near the park happened Saturday, along with pizza (Digiorno) and movie night (Frozen - again). We had church in the morning, but our family had nursery duty, so we did that, then headed to Sunday School and back home.

Today was the day when the kids' caseworker brought the other two siblings over so we could all celebrate Big Sister's birthday. It was great to see her so happy - she grinned from ear to ear all day, just sparkling.

I followed the caseworker into the twins bedroom purposefully to find a quiet time to ask for any updates in the twins' cases. I have in the last week left two messages with the girls' lawyer, but haven't heard anything back. The trial begins in three weeks, and we don't know much yet.

The caseworker let me know that the family has filed for a hearing this week, petitioning the immediate reunification of the two siblings who are currently in the shelter. Reasons: 1) the state still hasn't found a foster home for them, and they have been there more than two months, and 2) they are claiming that the shelter isn't providing adequate care. (I'd have to not argue with this; the toddler has extremely painful looking eczema, and both of them have become incredibly withdrawn and quiet.) Because this is the same judge who has been saying the kids should never have been removed in the first place, and has granted the extended unsupervised weekend visits, it would be logical that he'll probably agree to this.

If that happens, says the caseworker, they are prepared to also petition for the twins to immediately be placed back in their care, the reasoning being that if they have the two siblings, the entire family should be reinstated and reunited. The actuality if this happening is a bit more uncertain, but the caseworker wanted to prepare us in advance that this may be occurring this week.

I expressed my amazement at how this could logically happen. I asked did this mean that the trial was null and void and a formality? She said, actually, no, the trial is for the permanent placement of the four siblings (Big Sister not included) and the new judge could still deny their request to adopt them. I asked what would happen if the four kids were placed back next week, but denied the adoption by the cousins, and she said that CPS would immediately call for their removal, and the twins, at least, would be placed back here with us, and begin looking at that as a permanent placement.

So, we could be hearing that the twins are leaving us as early as the middle of this week. AND we could still hear next month that they are coming back.

The past seven months have been such a roller coaster that I don't know if we have the ability to be shocked anymore by anything. Tonight, discussing all of this, all my husband and I can do is shake our heads at each other and ask, "Why am I not surprised?"

We have pretty much made our peace with the twins' time at our home coming to a close. In fact, we would at this point be pretty dumbfounded if the four siblings were not reunified with their previous caregivers. Just having this complicated twist added to things makes it just feel... weird? Too rushed? Like we need more time to say goodbye? Relieved that at least the case won't be dragged on for another month?

Again, we have absolutely no doubt that God has placed us here in this time and place for His purposes. We've never questioned that. Circumstances going differently than what we had anticipated won't change the fact that He's already planned our whole stories, down to the endings. We're not feeling angry or like we need to throw in the towel. While we do wish that this case had been a little more clear-cut and smoothly handled on all ends, it is what it is, and you do what you can with what you're given. We've already discussed that we're jumping right back into the game if/when the twins leave, and will accept another foster placement whenever the opportunity is there. This is our calling, and we are confident in that.

We'd love to ask for your prayers. We're not asking for the twins to stay with us. We're not asking for them to go. It's not about that. We don't want to come to God with any expectations, other than to ask for His will to be done and for us to be able to have a part in it. We ask for peace, we ask for the fortitude to emotionally and physically deal with whatever comes and make it through. We ask for protection and guidance for all of the four siblings, no matter where they end up.

As a closing thought, I just want to say how strange it is to think about, putting down my thoughts and having others read them. These things and events and feelings are very personal, and yet I want to document them, in order to give testament to this time in our lives, and to show others a real and authentic journey through the ups and downs of foster adoption. Thanks for being a part of our story, and for all of your never-ending encouragement.

God bless us, every one.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

To the Almost-Mothers on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate the women in our lives who raised us and had an impact on our lives. The generations of female influence, biological or not, dwell on, and is a rich inheritance. I am so grateful to my mom, to my grandmas (one in Colorado, one in heaven), to my mother-in-law, and to so many women who have played the role of "surrogate" mom to me, providing wisdom and guidance. We are so blessed to have the sisterhood of women to support and encourage each other.

And as thankful as I am, and as happy as I will be tomorrow to celebrate with my little ones this year, my heart aches for those who are not-quiet-yet-mothers, and yearn to be. For I've been there. And I know how much this day can hurt.

"A hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12

For those who are childless not by choice, this day can be a painful reminder of what God has not granted yet.

For those who have been waiting and waiting for the title of "mother", with silence and negative pregnancy tests the only answer.

For those who have lost a child - to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early death.

For those young women who are unmarried, praying for a husband and children, trusting that God knows the rest of their story.

For those also who won't be celebrating this day with their own mothers, who have left us briefly to be with Him in heaven.

I was very uncomfortable on Mother's Day for several years, during our journey to start a family, and until Miss A came into our lives. I was incredibly happy to honor and celebrate the women in my life, and to acknowledge how important mothers are. But I either felt so alone, suffering in silence and disappointment over coming to another Mother's Day without being a mother, or almost angry, having the inevitable awkward/painful conversations that the day would inspire, when some well-meaning individual would ask when we would be having children, or, worse, why we hadn't. (I felt like this happened constantly, and quite often the person would respond to my gawky, lame sputterings by saying something like, "You better hurry up - you're not getting any younger." Honestly, this even was said to me on an airplane by my seat partner, whom I'd never met in my life.)

I know that my feelings were mostly selfish, that I was focusing on me. Yet, infertility seems like a condition that separates you from others. It's not something people talk about - and it's not something that's comfortable to talk about. You don't know what it's like - physically or emotionally - unless you've been through it. (Which is with most happenings, especially deep griefs.) Most people don't know what to say if you bring it up, and I completely understand that, and I tried not to take offense at well-meant remarks. It's almost like you can't process it well enough, because there aren't a lot of outlets in which to do so.

Again, I am SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, that, through the miracle of adoption, and the blessing of fostering, that my day tomorrow will be spent with four little creatures who will make messes in our kitchen and lots of noise in our backyard. But I remember what it felt like without them, and I will never forget.

So tomorrow, while we celebrate our mothers, and, some of us, being mothers, let's not forget those for whom this is not a happy day, but a trigger of emotions reflecting the ongoing struggle inside. Please don't forget those who are experiencing infertility, have suffered miscarriages, placed a child for adoption, lost a child - or lost a mother. It may be difficult for the person next to you in church, or at the next table at the restaurant, or walking down the aisle next to you at the grocery store. Even though the support they have for the mothers around them is there and present on this day, it may be difficult for them to express the joy and happiness they do feel, while in the midst of their own heartache. Please be understanding if someone isn't as "celebratory" as you. Everyone has things going on in their lives, most of which we may not know about nor understand.

If you know someone dealing with this situation, it's okay to share a quiet, to-the-side "I'm praying for you." I felt so alone every year on Mother's Day. One year, a fellow sister in Christ bought me a small bouquet and inconspicuously gave them to me, and whispered, "Happy Future Mother's Day. God has great plans for you." I will never forget it.

To the women and men who are hurting due to a loss or a hope deferred thus far, know that there is comfort and hope. It's okay and normal to have feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disillusionment - God is more than okay with hearing about your hurt. He cries with you every time you shed a tear.

 "'He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor cying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" Revelation 21:5

Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. Don't think you are less of a godly person for it. "Take it to the Lord in prayer." God has great plans for you. No matter what those plans end up being, it will feel like - and it will be - the absolutely right place for you to be.

Please don't forget about those who are struggling with pain from infertility or loss. Pray for them. Pray that God would bring healing to their souls, first and foremost, and that His will would be done in regards to their futures.

To those women who have shared with me their own private struggles and griefs, I will be praying for you tomorrow. Please know that you can talk with me and we can cry, pray, laugh together. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. God is always with you and can carry you through this storm. You are never alone.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint."

- Isaiah 40:31

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

"I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" - Foster/Adopt Edition

Music is a medium that communicates straight to my heart and my soul. I relate to music - the lyrics and the melodies - and somehow find inspiration and comfort in a very unique way.

I sing with our church choir. Everyone has been very understanding of my commitment of, oh, about 80%-90%, with four young children and other church duties throughout the week. I enjoy and am blessed with the music outlets provided to me, as music has always been such a big part of my life.

We are working on a song entitled "I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" for the baptism of our choir director's precious baby girl, which will be happening this Sunday. So happy for her, and for the blessing that Baby J is to her family and to our church family!

Here's the song with lyrics, if you want to hear it in its entirety:


I choked up singing, which I have done during previous times I'd heard this song. The words are powerful, and point to how God has been with you from the very beginning, and will be with you "when you shut your weary eyes" for the last time.

But, today, I could not stop thinking about the connection of these words to our family, the personal connection I feel God is saying to us right now.

"I was there to hear your borning cry, I'll be there when you are old."

Wow. It seems so obvious and trite, but it hits me so hard it hurts when I think about the seven kids who will always be a part of our hearts.

God was there when one of them courageously fought off the drug-induced haze into which, as a tiny baby barely big enough to survive by itself, this precious little one entered into our world.

God was there when another one was found, left in a car on a summer night, while parents were spending time at the bar.

God was there when another one was living in a home filled with months worth of garbage, broken glass, pet dander, moldy old food, and all kinds of dangerous/illegal substances littered around everywhere.

God was miraculously there while they were mistreated or ignored, or both.

God was there through the hurts and pain. God was there through the indifference and neglect. God was there through the hunger - physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Not only was God with them, as in physically being near. He held them close, comforted them, cried along with them, whispered hope and love into their tiny ears.

And the thousands, millions, of hurting, abused, and neglected kids around the country... around the world... God is there with them, too.

The contemplation of these thoughts was almost too much for my puny brain to wrap around. I wanted to literally drop to my knees, crying out with a grateful heart, and simultaneously crying out for this hurting, broken, sinful world.

The rest of the equation began circling around my brain next. If God was with them at the beginning, He will continue to be with them until the end.

Three children have entered into our homes and our lives, and left again, gone to paths different and unknown (to us). Two more - the twins - are smack in the midst of being part of this family, and all signs seem to be currently pointing to their imminent departure. God only knows the ending of this story, and we can't discern it now.

But we have full confidence that God will continue to guard and keep them, wherever they end up. He's big enough to walk with them through everything. We may be only a small character in a child's story, but God is the author.

It is not easy for us humans to give up control to someone else. In this case, it's not even a matter of giving up control, because we never have it in the first place. (Which I think is really the case for most things in our lives.)

Spunky Gal, Preemie Boy, and Baby Girl left our home. The twins may do so too. It will be time to let go, and let God take care of them. Life may not be easy for them, but at least Someone will always be there.

God doesn't promise that the bad stuff of this world will disappear. It's hard to understand that. Our world is full of sin. But it is a comfort to know that He is always with the smallest ones, the ones most in need of protection. And He is with the investigators who discover a hurting child, with the caseworkers and judges who determine a plan for the child, and with the new homes into which the children are introduced. He never turns His back, even if His actions may not be able to be seen by our human eyes at the time.

And this is a wake-up call to all of us. Be God's hands and feet. Every bad situation is one in which we can act. Reach out. Find the ones in need. Heal the hurts with the love God first showed us through His Son. We can't turn blind eyes to what's going on all around us, in our own cities. Let God use us to bring His kingdom, even in a small way, here on earth.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Weekend with Big Sister, Part 2

I began writing this post last night. If you missed the first half, click here.

So, there we were...

We woke up and got ready for church on Sunday morning. The handbell group in which I am a member was playing for the service, so Big Sister, Miss A, and I headed up a little early for warming up. During the service, the kids were pretty good - with the exception of Little Guy.. sigh. Seems like he's been making sitting through church his big battle lately... But I digress...

I teach Sunday School to the toddler class. It's a cool set-up we have developed over the last few years for this class - parents are involved and attend the class too. We have fifteen or twenty minutes of playing, then "circle" time with songs and the Bible lesson, then a snack and sometimes a craft or activity. It's a fun time for the parents to hang out with the little ones, and even the dads have gotten into it and are a big help.

Big Sister came along to help in the class, which was good because we had a craft that involved paint. I was feeling really optimistic (too optimistic?) and was hoping we could quickly get their palms covered in paint, dab their prints onto the paper, and clean up - bada bing, bada boom. Here's a picture of the intended craft:





Thank goodness for the parents in the room who made the whole experience go smoothly! Our handprint crosses looked somewhat like this, but they were adorable all the way around. We got the hands painted on, and then had to wait for it all to dry. I sent them home for the families to finish the wording and shaping into an oval/Easter egg (or not!).

Following Sunday School, we headed home for lunch. The kids' caseworker had asked me last week if she could come do her visit on Sunday, to see the twins and also to see Big Sister. She let us know a day or two later that she would arrange to bring the other two siblings as well, as Big Sister hadn't seen them since probably December. I made two pans of Tater Tot Casserole and we were golden.

I've mentioned before that the other two siblings are currently in a children's shelter, since their foster home asked for their removal and no home has been found yet. We could tell a difference in them and their demeanor when they arrived, compared to the last time we saw them. They were both almost silent for the first thirty or forty minutes, refusing to talk. Neither one ate much, either. I was able to gain some rapport with the three-year-old girl, and she let me take her to the bathroom. While we were walking, she asked, "Which is my new bedroom?" It absolutely pained me to say, "Honey, you're not staying here - you'll go back after we finished eating and playing together." They must have thought they were going to ANOTHER new place, and that has got to be added stress, whether it's a good kind of stress or bad kind of stress.

It still breaks my heart that we were unable to take them in, and to know that they are still having to deal with living in a shelter, where they have been for about a month now. We both pray constantly for something to come up for them, some family to come into the picture, someone to love them and care for them in the middle of this situation.

The kids played well together and obviously were happy to see each other. It was pretty hot - Texas at the end of April, almost 100 degrees - so we were wilting outside, and came inside to finish up playing in the air conditioning.

When it was time to say farewell, I could tell Big Sister was getting pretty sad. She became even quieter. We helped load up the two siblings in the caseworker's car, then began getting her things together to get on the road back to her pick-up location. As I said yesterday, it was almost ninety minutes away, so we had a drive ahead of us. (Well, the Man of the House had a drive ahead of him. I had high school handbell practice, so I didn't drive with the crew.)

Once her things were in the car, she got in and buckled herself in. Maybe she felt awkward about good-byes, maybe she thought we all didn't want to make a fuss over her. But I opened the van door back up, gave her a hug, and made sure she understood we would try to do this again soon. She made a comment that the caseworker had talked to her about potentially moving to an Aunt's house in the near future. I tried to sound positive for her, even though she was sounding like the prospect wasn't really what she wanted to happen.

If that could happen, and be a good placement and a positive experience for her, that would be the answer to many prayers. As hard as it is to say no again, the Man of the House and I have run over and over different scenarios in our mind, and, at this point, we don't feel that being with us would be the best placement for her. We could do it, we could make it happen, and even be pretty good at it, understanding that she needs lots of love, patience, and guidance to succeed. But to find a healthy family member, one familiar with her, or someone with more experience being a parent to a struggling teenager, would (hopefully) be the best case scenario for her.

We didn't want to break her heart and give her false hopes about this weekend. We didn't want her to feel like it was an "audition" and that she was failing if we didn't automatically ask her to move in with us immediately. She didn't mention it to us, but the caseworker had been hinting that Big Sister was hoping for a move to our home. It was something we said we could consider if that was her best option, but that was before we heard about the Aunt being willing.

We want to be part of her life, and hope that being a supporting scaffold will be of benefit to her and the family as a whole. While we don't feel able (or called) to be the parent figures in her lives, all kids need healthy relationship with adults. We pray that we can be a positive influence and be a help to her in any way we can.

Please join us in praying for this young person and for the whole group of siblings as their future is decided for them by other adults. God has the chapters of their lives already written, and knows each step along the way. We pray for healing on their troubled hearts, for warmth and love to come in and envelop them, from whatever source it may be.

Also, please keep in the front of YOUR mind how many, many, many other children like her are out there. Good kids, who, through no fault of their own, are caught up in a system that is doing its best, but can never replace the love of a real Family. Please pray for all children who need a forever home, kids of all ages. If God is stirring something in your heart to act for these children, please pray about that as well, but don't delay! God has a plan for everyone! Might fostering or adopting be one of His plans for you?

"God put a million, million doors in the world for His love to walk through. One of those doors is you." - Jason Gray, "With Every Act of Love"

Monday, April 28, 2014

Weekend with Big Sister, Part 1

What a blur the last few days felt like! We had a pretty big weekend, so I'll share some of it here with you all.

We had arranged to host the twins' Big Sister for the weekend, to give her some time with her siblings. She was really excited and had been calling us a few times per week since we made the plans a couple of weeks ago. The day of, the caseworker texted me, asking me to double check the time and place of our handing-over, per Big Sister's request, as she was beyond excited, anxious, and nervous about the whole weekend.

The arrangements were to pick her up at a Dairy Queen in a town an hour and a half away, which is about mid-point from where she is currently staying. We got there ten minutes early and I half-convinced myself that we were one town too far, and that I had mixed up the location. There was no reason why I would have made a mistake, and I had written the details down carefully and everything, but I was horribly anxious that I had messed up and would ruin the weekend at its very beginning.

They showed up about fifteen minutes after we did. We loaded her bags into the van after giving big hugs, and headed off to find a place to eat dinner. Thank the Lord for smartphones to help with tasks like that! We found a local place that had pizza, and since Friday is usually pizza night at the Erickson homestead, we traversed there. Man, it must have been a spectacle to see us with FIVE kids trying to wrangle into a table!

One person asked incredulously, "Are they ALL yours?" I felt awkward since the question was asked right in front of Big Sister - and the twins, although they probably wouldn't understand, I still want to make sure they don't hear any disparaging comments about fostering or adoption. I just brightly and quickly explained our outing and we all moved on. The kids ate well, and we played outside for a few minutes before loading back up for the drive home.

I had set up a twin-sized blow-up mattress in Miss A's room for Big Sister. Once we got home and showed her around, we asked if she would feel more comfortable sleeping in the twins' room instead, and she said yes, so we moved her into there. I had made her a little arrangement on a small tray of some travel sized toiletries, a nail polish, teas, chocolates, etc. I wanted her to feel at home and special, and have her know we appreciated her being here.

The little ones were all extremely tired and ready for bed, and fell asleep immediately. The Man of the House and I told her she could stay up and watch TV with us for a bit. She did, and we chatted a while, and then we all headed to bed to join the others sleeping.

The next day, everyone was up at 7:00 like an alarm had rung in the house. So much for sleeping in on a Saturday! (I know to some with little kids, 7:00 a.m. is sleeping in! Sorry to gripe!) We got moving and ready for the day. Around 8:30, we were finishing breakfast and the doorbell rang. Puzzled, I walked to the door. Surely one of the caseworker's hadn't decided to make it an early morning and come for an unannounced visit, I told myself.

When I answered the door, it was a woman I hadn't met before. She was there to pick up the twins for their visit with their family members, which apparently got changed from noon-6 to 10-4, without our being notified. (We actually like this time better, which now means the visits won't interfere with both lunch and dinner every other weekend.) So, we just went with it. We scrambled with the help of Big Sister to fix the twins' hair and pack a bag with clean clothes and get them out the door.

Big Sister had known that the twins would be gone for a big part of the day at the visit. There was worries from the caseworker and us that she would be upset or anxious about it, but she said she was fine with it, and still wanted to come this weekend, even with the visit being scheduled.

We then showed her around town, seeing the sights and hitting up good old Target. We had a light sandwich lunch at the house, and then Big Sister, Miss A, and I headed to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special treat to see "Rio 2".  If you haven't seen a movie at an Alamo Drafthouse, you should! You'd be in for a fun experience! It is the kind of theater where you can order your food from a waiter/waitress in your seat and they bring it to you, throughout the movie. Obviously none of our kids have been to one yet, since it is such a special treat, but the girls really enjoyed it. On a side note, I actually liked "Rio 2" better than the first "Rio" - pretty cute.

We met a good friend and her daughter for ice cream following the movie. I appreciated them taking the time to hang out with us, as their daughter is the same age as Big Sister and it was good to have her interact with someone her age. Thanks, Momo!

The twins had returned by the time we got home, so we played outside in the warm weather and the Man of the House grilled out for dinner.

Following dinner, baths, and reading time, we put the little kids down to bed. Big Sister had helped clear the table, swept the floor, and straightened up the living room, all without being asked. It was pretty nice to have one other "big person" around! We thanked her profusely for her help.

The twins were lively, as they hadn't been put down for naps during their visit, and were in that delirious fighting-sleep stage of the super-exhausted. The time was probably only about fifteen or twenty minutes of their squirming and fussing before they were fast asleep, but it began to make Big Sister very anxious. "It's all my fault," she mumbled, slouching on the couch. "I'm throwing off your routine and ruining your night."

We immediately corrected her and let her know that was absolutely wrong. The twins were destined for a rough night after the visits; it always happened, and we expected it. (More about their reaction in a later post.) We encouraged her to understand that two-year-olds are going to react to any change in routine, and to recognize how happy we were to have her visit and how happy the twins were to spend time with her.

She continued the conversation by sharing a little about her various foster placements. She said several times, "I don't know what it is about me that makes people not want me." Apparently, there are other siblings not involved in this case -  two older, one younger than her - that are her father's biological children, but not her mother's, making them her half-siblings, however they are in custody of her father and somehow she is not, even though her mother lost her parental rights. We also didn't know that she (and maybe the other siblings) had been in two foster homes before they were placed with the cousins. Following the shelter where the five of them were last together until November, she has been in three more placements while the twins have been with us. We don't know a lot of the details regarding why she was moved so many times, but from talking to the caseworker it seems more like unfortunate cases of unprepared foster parents than an overly problematic preteen.

It is needless to say that these comments tore us apart. We both let her know in no uncertain terms that being in foster care is not her fault. We told her that mistakes happen and that none of us are perfect, but that nothing she did is the reason why they were all removed from the home/s. I remember saying, "It stinks when it's the adults in your life who are making mistakes and the children have to suffer for it. But that doesn't make it your fault. There's nothing you could have done." Someone has had to have told her this before, but she was acting like it was all new to her. She kept tearing up, and at one point she said, "I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time."

She was a complete sweetheart during our time together, albeit reserved and a little quiet most of the time. She is just amazing with the twins and the younger kids - so patient, creative, and loving. She was just soaking up every moment with them, and you could tell how much she missed them. I understand that a young person, especially one who's been hurt and rejected, can put on a front and "act" the "right way" to give a certain impression. However, this is the side we've always seen of her. We know there's got to be parts that are rough around edges, but she just is in dire need of authentic love and attention from someone. I can sympathize with how rough it would be to parent a young person with such baggage, but I just shake my head and fist, wishing any of the placements had stuck it out and shown her some patience and endurance, that people out there can be loving, that she isn't worthless, and she is special.

Our talk lasted almost two hours, and we hope we did some good. We just prayed later that God was working through our words to give some sort of healing or balm to her scarred little soul. She

I will finish with more observations about the weekend tomorrow - this is getting long and I'm getting sleepy! Good night for now...

Friday, April 11, 2014

High Five for Friday!

Well, folks, it's the end of another week!

1. A friend had recently finished the book The Giver by Lois Lowry. Just briefly chatting with him about the book made me want to re-read it. Which I did. Same day. I remember this as one of my favorite books when I was younger. I can't believe I missed hearing the news, but a movie is being made based on the book and it is coming out in August!

2. We don't have cable anymore, so when we use the TV, we watch shows through Netflix or Redbox. We are currently trying a one-month membership to Amazon Prime to see if that would be better than Netflix. This week, we are loving Pandora music streaming through the Roku box at our house. I turn on a Toddler or Disney station and the kids just light up. The twins especially love music and singing - they're even rubbing off on Little Guy, who's been singing everywhere in the car lately, too! I've got to say, there are a lot of versions of "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider" out there!

3. We had absolutely beautiful weather this week in Texas. I know it will only be a short time until the temperatures are climbing into the 90's and 100's, so I will treasure this Spring time for as long as I can!

4. We're tentatively making plans for the twins' Big Sister to come visit for a weekend, so she can have some time away and have some time with her two siblings. It's looking like the weekend following Easter will be the time. We'll pray for it to be a good experience for everyone, and for those who meet and interact with her here to make it pleasant and fun.

5. Last night, the Man of the House picked this up for me on his way home:
I cannot say enough about how much this guy pitches in around the house. I might get the dishes done and the dishwasher loaded during the day, but when he leaves in the morning for school, the dishwasher is empty, all of the clean dishes unloaded, ready to begin the process all over! (It's a great system we have worked out!) He ALWAYS lets me run to the restroom as soon as he comes home - priorities, right? He has no problem throwing a load of laundry in the wash either. He's terrific at getting the kids their baths and LOVES reading them stories. Such a patient, sweet man. What a blessing to see him be so involved and active in the kids' lives. God bless your day, honey!

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!