Adoption Didn't Magically Fix Me

This post was published on herviewfromhome.com on February 3rd, 2016! I am so excited to be able to contribute pieces for this helpful website! http://herviewfromhome.com/adoption-didnt-magically-fix-me/

Our adoption journey began like many others – first battling the fiend of infertility. I know not all couples who adopt have traveled that road. However, most people assume you’ve adopted because you can’t have biological kids. So, yes, we adopted because we found out a biological birth would not happen for us.

Here’s some truth. At the beginning of the course, before the test results were in, way before we began the adoption process, it upset me when some (well-meaning) person would say, “Well, you can always adopt.” At that point, I was so raw, still fighting for answers and emotional processing, I didn’t want to hear that. Pursuing adoption seemed to be acknowledging that we hadn’t succeeded, and that we would never become pregnant.

Ultimately, it became apparent that adoption would be the path by which we became parents. We first had to grieve the loss of having a biological child, of course. But, following that, when we faced the future and began making plans, I felt differently. We were and are proud adoptive parents. We absolutely believed that any child of ours, however created and brought into our family, would be completely loved.

And maybe even extra loved – because, of course, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”
It’s a valid point that, having been through infertility, miscarriage, or loss of a child, you are über-aware of the gift that each child is. I would see someone with an unplanned pregnancy, and I wondered why they would be blessed with a child when we wanted one so badly. If a couple got pregnant without difficulty, I was sincerely happy for them, but inwardly, I was hurting and, I’ll say it, jealous for the effortlessness of their reproduction.

If I saw a mom looking stressed out with her kids, getting groceries or at the park or outside at school, I would immediately think, “If I had children, I would never get stressed out because of them. How can they take for granted what I want so badly?”

And I honestly felt that way. At that point, we wanted children so incredibly much, that it seemed like that would be the answer to everything. You know, the old “if only”? If only I had a boyfriend, if only he would propose already, if only I had a good job, if only we had more money, if only we could have children.  I thought that once I was a mother, that heartache and pain would go away, and the wonderful awe of being a parent would overshadow any of the daily problems that would come my way.

Once I got this fixed, life would be okay again.

Because I was in a really bad place during that time. Infertility is a stressful experience, emotionally and physically. I dealt with some situational depression. I felt hopeless and impotent. Getting through a regular day was difficult. I developed shingles due to the stress. I didn’t know how to express my feelings to my friends and family. I went to a counselor to help process it in a healthier way – which was a good decision. Ultimately, though, I felt like being a mom would help everything be okay again.

It took seven months of adoption classes, training, and interviews, and two months of waiting before we got a call for our first child. We were smitten instantly. She was beautiful, sweet, and oh-so-huggable. We settled in as first time parents do – joyfully, awkwardly, unsure of ourselves, but with the shining patina of finally being “mom” and “dad.”

Fast forward seven years. We now are the blessed parents of four kids through adoption – three girls and a boy.

Guess what. Adopting them didn’t solve every problem in the world.

Guess what. My kids stress me out sometimes.

Occasionally, I’m that mom I self-righteously thought I would never be.

The always loving, ever-patient, eternally grateful mother I wanted to be isn’t present all of the time. She’s busy with dirty laundry, facilitating meal times with young children, and playing referee to these active monkeys, while maintaining a positive relationship with my husband.

I love my kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Please hear that.

As I ponder this, I realize something. This doesn’t make me a bad mom. It makes me a real one.

My kids are just like any others. I am just like any other mother. Yes, we took a crazy path to get here, and yes, I have baggage from the journey that will always stick with me. But, hey, I’m here! I’m a real mom! A real-life, sleep-deprived, coffee-chugging, Target-shopping, homework-helping, bedtime-story-reading mom, living the insanely eventful parental life. My every problem wasn’t fixed, but the dream of motherhood came true.

Adoption wasn’t a fall-back plan, or something we had to settle for. We are now a real family.

Just like Pinocchio or the Velveteen Rabbit, I’m real.  Not perfect, but a real mom.

And it feels so good.

Life Was So Much Easier

I submitted this piece to the website herviewfromhome.com and was so excited to have it published on January 17th, 2016! http://herviewfromhome.com/life-was-so-much-easier-before/

My husband and I were foster parents over the past seven years. Last month, we had the blessing of completing the adoption of our two most recent foster daughters. Along with the other two adoptions – our daughter and our son – we have now OFFICIALLY become a family with four kids. How much fun was that – standing in front of the courthouse, holding up signs that proudly read: “Party of Six!”

As I was pondering the events of the adoption week, and reflecting back to before we had these last little monkeys added to our family, I have to admit it was “easier” then. How simple and laid back it seems now to have “only” two kids to feed and get dressed and put to bed and arrange schedules.

It was so much easier with only two kids. I have two hands – one for each. Between the Man of the House and me, there were two laps and two kids – perfect! Our son and daughter are each other’s best friends and get along pretty swimmingly. We were blessed to have “normal” sibling tiffs over toys and personal space and such, but very rarely, and nothing huge.

But, before that, it was so much easier with only one kid. Miss A had our full attention whenever she was with us. If one of us had somewhere we had to be, no sweat. The other was there to step in. One kid is easy to take to meetings, when they can play quietly on the floor for a period of time. One kid is easy to take to the grocery story; they only take up the child seat on the cart and don’t weight the cart down.

It was so much easier in fact before we had kids. Walking to the car after work, knowing we had an evening of good food and quiet television watching together on the couch. Taking a run whenever I wanted. Taking a hot bath whenever I wanted. Only worrying about one pair of shoes – my own. Doing laundry for only two people.

Yes, life sure was a lot easier in the past.

But there’s no way I would exchange it for what we have now.

I look behind me while driving and see four shining faces and hear their sweet voices singing. I look around the kitchen table while we eat and see the bedlam that is four kids eating a meal. I watch the kids color together, or play some cute game only they understand, and my heart swells.

I know that the craziness that is life with young children will pass all too soon. The daily routine will be less of a frantic rush to juggle everyone and everything. It will get “easier”, in a way. And yet, I don’t want it to be gone. I want to treasure each stage and soak it all in for as long as we’re able. Every day is a glorious adventure when you’re young. The giggles, the chubby tummies, the toddler talk, the dress-up clothes, the mood swings (well, we’ll have those when they’re all teenagers again!)… These will be the memories cherished in the years to come.

My soul is humbly grateful to be here for such a time as this, to be a part of my children’s lives at this stage. God is so good, and so faithful to provide strength and patience when we need it the most. He has given us the gift of all four of these little ones, and we thank Him with all of our hearts.

The Case of the Sibing Trio (The Twins and Big Sister)

When Baby Girl left us in March of 2013, we were more than bummed out. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy, and I all had fallen in love with her so quickly and so deeply. To recap, on Day 1 of her placement with us, we had been told that birth father had already signed relinquishment papers because he didn't want to be involved, and birth mother was considering it as well. She was estranged from her family, and did not really want the baby placed with her parents or extended family members. Now, nothing is ever promised EVER, but it was definitely hinted that this could be a super-easy case that might not even have to go to trial, if she relinquished her rights as she was considering, and we could move forward with the adoption. That's what we were told. Two months into the case, her parents came to court and announced that they were seeking custody. Apparently, they hadn't even known she was pregnant or had had a baby until that time. Their background checks cleared without any major problems, and, because they were family, the baby was moved soon after. She was with us around 2 1/2 months.

We never had had a definite plan for how many kids we wanted in our family. My husband and I both came from sibling groups of four, and loved being a part of big families. We kind of figured we would wind up with a big family - 3 or 4 kids. The love we had for our two children was so full and complete - but, even after the disappointment of having Baby Girl be moved, we still felt like another child would be a fantastic addition to our family. So, we stayed in the game and kept our foster-adopt license active in hopes of receiving another placement and eventual adoption.

Then came the waiting process again. In the middle of this, our caseworker, Kelly, whom we loved, changed positions at the department and we were assigned to a new caseworker. Every foster or adoptive family has a caseworker, to ensure that standards are met, trainings are completed, etc. This is different from the caseworker assigned to the children, who represents the kids at court along with the guardian ad litem (lawyer). When you have an active case, you can expect monthly visits from all three - your caseworker, the children's caseworker, and the children's lawyer - scheduled or unannounced.

We waited 8 months with our names on The List with only one Call. We didn't get that child, a 4-month-old baby boy. It was obviously frustrating to sit around with no control over the situation, waiting on someone else to act for you and "find" you a placement. I am not patient at all by nature, so I know God was definitely challenging me in this area.

Finally, in November, we received an e-mail asking if we were interested in taking in 2-year-old twin girls. As I had with the last Call, I immediately said "YES!" and THEN told the Man of the House. (Heehee... Sorry, honey! In all seriousness, things happen quickly with foster-adopt placements, and if you hesitate, another family may already have stepped up.)

The information we had was that the girls were on-target for developmental milestones, healthy girls at this point. They were from a family of five siblings - a 12-year-old girl, a 3-year-old girl (only ten months older than the twins!), then the twins, and then a 1-year-old boy (only 12 months younger than the twins!). The other three had other placements already, as it was difficult to find a home for all five together. In fact, the twins were coming to us from a shelter, where they had been living for two months since they had been removed into the state's care.

The parental rights had been terminated shortly after the birth of the baby boy, and the children had been living with cousins of their mother, these cousins also having five other children they were fostering/adopting - a total of ten kids in the house. This sibling group had been removed for some alleged incidents that had happened in the home.

This case was incredibly complicated, and not a "normal" CPS case. Since the cousins weren't biological parents, and hadn't adopted the siblings yet, they didn't have "rights" to try to do services and have the children placed back in their home by a certain date. Instead, they were suing the state themselves, to try to get custody back of the kids. They had a very outspoken lawyer who was extremely vocal in saying that the removal shouldn't have taken place, and that the allegations were by and large made up by the Big Sister. Big Sister had been the one to alert school authorities to some not-so-good things happening in the home. Their opinion was that she thought she could be returned to her biological family if she disrupted this placement.

Some background on Big Sister: the very sad part was that her mother also had biological children OLDER than this Big Sister, so a total of eight children altogether already. Her baby daddy of the OTHER, older three was not the biological father of Big Sister, but WAS the person who had served as her father figure all her life. When the bio mom had lost custody, so did Big Sister's bio dad (in absentia), but this OTHER bio dad was what is called a "non-offending" parent, so he got custody of her children. However, he decided to only parent the three that were biologically his, and, since Big Sister was not, he declined to take custody of her. In her mind, she still thought there was hope that someday he would change his mind and come get her. (The siblings younger than her were also from different fathers, but she said she had never liked any of those men when they were in her mother's life, and they never served in that father role for her. We were never quite sure how many fathers were involved between the five children.)

The case continued on for ten months. We had hearings, rescheduled hearings, delays, lots of testimony. It came down to the judge continually wanting more information about the alleged incidents and everyone minutely dissecting the testimony of Big Sister and the other children in the home who may or may not have also experienced the incidents.

Meanwhile, Big Sister moved to two new foster placements, and then was put into a children's "home", an onsite location to receive therapy as well as schooling and intervention for her behavior. We were asked to take her in, as the behaviors stemmed from how frustrated she was to be apart from her siblings, and the assumption that things would simmer down once she was reunited with them. We had some weekend visits, and they went so well that we decided to accept.

I can't say that having her placed with us was easy, or that it went "well". I do not necessarily regret it, but it was a difficult three months. Big Sister hadn't been kept up with her counseling and treatments, and that would have made a difference. One main thing we learned: you have to be an advocate for yourself and your foster kids. Stay on top of their medical history and treatments and make sure the caseworkers are helping you get the best level of care for the kids, physically and emotionally and mentally.

Throughout this whole case, the kids had one-hour, weekly visitations with the cousins who had had custody at the department offices. Towards the spring, it became 4-6 hours at a time, at the request of the cousins. Of course this made a big imposition on our family, time-wise and resource-wise, and we were unhappy but tried to make the best of it. We usually took our other two to the zoo while we waited for the visits to be over. (Big Sister did NOT attend these visits because the relationship was so rocky between her and the cousins, because of how that placement ended.)

After Big Sister had been with us for two months, a set of the twins' grandparents made a petition to get custody of all five children. We were stunned that they could do this so late - the parents' rights had been terminated years before, they had been in foster care for years, placements were settling, etc. Their reasoning for the timing was that they HAD been trying to get custody, but didn't know the proper steps to go about it, and blamed the department for not helping them more.

Within a few weeks, a homestudy had been done on these grandparents, and the judge was in favor of moving forward to see if this would be a good placement. The grandparents were asking for all five children to be placed with them. This pushed the judge in their direction, as we were unable to take in all five, with two kids already in the home before this case. (Although we were asked, and were promised extra resources to help make this happen. We had to decline.)

Meanwhile, the cousins reconsidered their custody suit and declared that they would also want to get all five back, when previously they had said they did not want to be reunified with the Big Sister.

So now the judge decided to test the waters in BOTH homes, and ordered weekend-long visits with BOTH, on alternating visits. For the last month or two of the case, the kids were taken to one or the other of the homes on Friday night and stayed until Sunday night. This of course wreaked havoc on any progress we had made with structure and routine, and just the basic comfort level of the twins and Big Sister. Our Sunday nights were a disaster now, and it took several days for the twins' behavior to come back to somewhat normal.

The judge finally decided in August to place all five kids with the grandparents as a foster home, but continue twice-monthly all-weekend visits with the cousins until permanent custody could be determined. They left us the day before school started in 2014.

In February, six months after they left us, I ran into the kids' lawyer. She told me the case was STILL ongoing, and no permanent home had been decided for the kids. We continue to pray for them and hope for the best. They were strong enough to rise above their circumstances, and we hope that out of these ashes, fresh, vibrant, productive lives will arise. God bless you, kiddos.

On The Other Side: 5 Years Past Infertility

This Saturday afternoon, we traveled with the foursome to the home of The Man of the House's sister and her husband, our newest brother-in-law. They were married last spring in an awesomely fun beach wedding at Key West where we all were involved with the ceremony. It's a really neat thing to welcome new members into the family and we're blessed that Aunt Kimbie is so happy. AND THEN they told us this past summer at the beach that they were expecting in April of next year. So exciting to have another little one around!

We were heading to their home for a gender reveal party. They didn't tell us beforehand how the big reveal was going to happen, but once the time came, we all - the family and their friends who came to celebrate -  had cans of Silly String, unmarked, covered with wrapping to hide the color. On the count of three, we all sprayed at once... and tons of blue string came flying out at all of us! Everyone was ecstatic and began chattering about how much fun a new little guy will be.

As we drove back, I had plenty of time for musing. The thing that was hitting me was how happy I was for my sister-in-law and her husband, and how finally this feeling was separate from any personal or inward sadness over the fact that we won't ever have biological children ourselves. And I realized that, a few weeks ago, when I was told by our church choir director that she was also expecting in April, I was able to honestly feel happy and excited for her. And maybe what I sensed was also a LACK of a feeling - the lessening of the tug of the grief, waning over time.

Wait. How selfish to say. Are you the reader a little irritated that I even mentioned considering whether or not I was feeling happy and excited about this?

If you haven't gone through infertility struggles, this might be hard to understand. It's also hard for me to articulate. This probably all sounds incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. Why wouldn't you be happy? Someone else's happiness doesn't diminish your own or take anything away from you. Especially something like a pregnancy - it's not like my own pregnancy was personally taken away from me by any other woman I see that is pregnant when I am not.

Five years ago was when my husband and I were living out the nitty gritty parts of our infertility story. Each woman (or man) encountering infertility will handle it differently. For me, it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I'm not saying that to be dramatic; it's the honest truth. I lost my dearly dearly loved grandmother to ovarian cancer when I was twenty-one. That's the only thing that comes close to any actual grief I've faced personally. I feel blessed that the first part of my life was not marked by any deep tragedy for me or someone close to me. I thank God for the blessings and experiences I have had. Infertility was the first grief I really had to face. And for me, it was an incredibly devastating grief.

I always knew I wanted to be a good wife and mother, and that that calling was the most important beyond whatever I did as a career. That's not to say I never wanted a career - I just knew that as much as I loved whatever I ended up doing, I would love being a mom more. I was the girl who was going to be a teacher or pediatrician because I loved kids so much. I honestly worried as a little girl, as I was wont to do and still am, whenever I read the stories of Rebekah and Rachel and Hannah in the Bible - what if I find out my husband and I won't be able to get pregnant?

When no pregnancy happened after a year, we began testing. I watched my friends and my sister get pregnant and I festered an increasing frustration that turned into depression. It was a very dark time for me. By the time the testing began, which added stress in and of itself, I had developed shingles. The doctor told me he had never seen anyone who was my age and as otherwise healthy as I was have shingles. "You must be extremely stressed and you need to relax," he told me. Easy to say, right?

I didn't really talk to anyone about this at first. It's anticlimactic to tell people you're "trying to get pregnant". Infertility is a lonely struggle. You feel like the only person going through it.

And, of course, it doesn't help that everyone seems to be pregnant around you when you're going through infertility. In fact, The Man of the House and I have a joke that I am other people's good luck charm. Whenever I found out that someone else was having infertility problems, I would gently reach out - it's hard to face crises alone! BUT... then, soon, they would be announcing their pregnancy and I would be SO happy for them, honestly and authentically - please understand that - but still left once again to struggle and grieve on my own.

As much as grief is ever present, I've learned that its severity is also cyclical. There are times when things affect me much more than others. I can go a long time between days of really feeling sad about it. The rest of the time, the best way to describe it is like scar tissue - it's there, has made its mark permanently on you, and might make its presence felt at times, may hold you back a tiny bit, but it's not on the forefront of your mind all the time.

I had to come to grips with the fact that this pain cannot be allowed to be all-consuming. There were definitely times when it felt like it was. Like I would never feel happy or whole again. This struggle stole the light from my spirit for a while. The days went on with or without my paying attention to them, or fully living them. I can't make this worse by letting it turn me into someone I'm not.

I'm not pessimistic. I'm not self-consumed. I'm not non-functioning. I'm not broken. We're not doomed forever because of this. I can't become these things.

If anything, I want to use this as a catalyst for strength. I can look back and say to myself, "You've made it through this." I can be proud of how we not only made it through, but thrived - as a couple, and now as a family.

Our story progressed into a journey traveling through foster care and adoption. Others may have a different journey, but there is purpose, both in the journey and in the destination, whenever and wherever that comes. Good can come through any struggle. We can grow.

For anyone going through this same struggle, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will emerge eventually from the darkness. It won't look like the life you planned, and you won't be the same person you were when you began. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel your own journey. Please know you are not alone.

Some Background on SA and QB

I need to preemptively state that we both are not allowed to share lots of details - both with anyone not connected to the case and especially not online - nor would we be comfortable sharing some things if we were allowed to. Some parts of my kids' history should be kept personal, not out of shame or guilt, but just because it's sensitive information. It's up to them to decide when and how to share with people, if at all. We as foster parents also aren't allowed to post pictures or lots of identifying details about our foster kids and their cases online, in any forum, be it Facebook or blogs or what-have-you. (Once an adoption happens, and they are part of our family forever, then it's up to our discretion.) With all of that being said, many have been asking me about the backgrounds of the girls, so here are some basics I can share.

Sweet Angel and Queen Bee are from a sibling group of five kids. They have two older siblings and one younger sibling. Their natural home life was not a good one, and they were removed for a variety of reasons. Their parents have had their rights terminated already, which is a point way farther ahead in the case than any we've come into before.

They were placed into a relative's care for foster and then adoptive placements. There have since been things come to light in that home that made it necessary for all five of them to be removed from that home before an adoption could be followed through. The kids were placed in a children's shelter in September. Since then, the state has been looking for a family willing to take in all five children. Of course, that is a huge task for anyone, so, unfortunately, they were unable to find a home for all five of the siblings to be together. They have broken them up, but plan to ensure that the kids remain in contact with each other. We completely agreed to work out ways for the children to see each other. We discussed setting up meetings via e-mail at the park or zoo, or another central location.

(It breaks our hearts to hear about the five siblings being separated, parceled out, split up. The Man of the House and I looked at each other when we heard that, and we could read each other's minds: "Oh, if only! Can we get a bigger house? Adopt them all when it's over?" Of course, SEVEN kids is... well, SEVEN KIDS!!!! But, hey, if God calls you to it, you obey. Now, don't worry or shake your head at me! We didn't ask or inquire! We know we have a lot on our plates for the time being!)

We don't know how this case will proceed nor its time line. With a biological parent losing custody, there is a set process that takes about a year during which they work service plans and have supervised visits, following which a decision is made regarding the future of the child/ren. We will just have to see how the judge rules and leads this case, since it's out of the ordinary. The caseworker told us that the state is going to fight against reinstating the children at the family-foster home, and intend to have the children adopted. We were asked if we would be willing to adopt the girls, and we of course said yes.

We would love to have Queen Bee and Sweet Angel be part of our family forever. I love watching how my other two have risen to this and how they show their sweet hearts and love. Miss A and Little Guy have taken to the twins like champions. Today, Miss A got to "share" them for "Show and Tell" with her sweet kindergarten class. I cracked up watching her herd them into the room like sheep, saying, "Come on, sweeties!" Like I expected, after getting to know the twins for a couple of days, Queen Bee bounced around the room at Miss A's side, allowing "big sister" to show her everything in the room, and Sweet Angel took one look at all of those kids, walked to the corner and hid behind the coats hanging on the cubbies. I picked her up and got in some good cuddles with her while the others milled around. It's fun to see their personalities coming through.

I think that's an automatic "thing" people do with twins - immediately look for and discuss the differences and similarities. Queen Bee is more self-confident and knows what she wants, more likely to butt heads when she doesn't precisely get her way than melt and pout, as Sweet Angel might. YET, at the park, Sweet Angel was bounding up the stairs and crawling like a monkey all over, while Queen Bee played on the ground. Funny observations!

Feeling so blessed. No matter how long they stay with us, we will treasure every day, every hour, every minute, every moment. Thanks for listening to my ruminations and reflections!

Being a Family Of Six: The First 24 Hours

So, we've made it! We've officially put the twins down to bed twice now - three times if I include naps today! Whew! My energy is spent, but in the best way!

I'll go backwards and talk about Monday and how it all went down.

Our placement caseworker got to our house around 3:30 pm. We had papers to sign and binders to obtain, which I mentioned in the last blog post. Thankfully, a sweet high school friend had offered to come over during naps and help me prepare. So, THANK YOU, KK, for the laundry folding, vacuuming, counter wiping, and etc., etc., etc.! The house was ready and so were we!

The girls arrived around 5:15-ish. Twin #1, whom I will call "Sweet Angel", took one look at us crowding the doorway and began weeping. Poor girl. What a big day. I can't imagine dealing with all of the upheaval, not to mention trying to process it all as a toddler.

Twin #2, hereby named "Queen Bee", began coolly overseeing us all, but within minutes had hopped into the lap of The Man of the House. We were told that she had the most trouble dealing with living at the shelter, but she seemed pretty sure of herself after she had warmed up to all of us.

Little Guy and Miss A were beside themselves with excitement. We were so blessed to have KK there to help us distract them and help us give the little ones some breathing room at times. We had pizza ordered, so, once the caseworkers left, we settled down to eat. The girls CHOWED DOWN, showing us very healthy appetites.

We were ready for emotions to hit the fan, so to speak, at any moment, but things went fairly well. Once pajamas were on and teeth were brushed, the books were read, and the word "Bedtime" said, then the tears came. However, they only lasted a minute, once the girls saw that I was going to sit in the rocking chair in their room and I wasn't leaving yet. I rocked until Queen Bee was asleep, and Sweet Angel was almost there, then I began leaving, but I stopped and sat down in the doorway when Sweet Angel began making movements and noises of protest. I plan to ease them into bedtimes and begin with sitting in the doorway over the next few nights, then the hallway outside their room. Hopefully we can get a good enough bedtime routine going that holiday traveling will be not too much of a fuss.

We had a great next day - visited the library for Family Story Time. The girls did great! We were able to see Mrs. C there, which of course made David's day. We all put together an owl craft that the kids got to take home. Fun times. I'm happy to be able to take them out in public and it not be too much of a big deal. I will definitely have to get used to the length of time it takes us to get ready to go anywhere - pretty ridiculous! Between cleaning up diaper messes, lost shoes, finding the "right" toy to take with us, it will take some strategic planning to get us anywhere on time! I am pretty strict with myself on time, and get stressed out when we're late, so I will have to kick the mommy skills into high gear! Positive thinking! Experience and practice will help us improve, I know!

I'll share some more details about the girls - what I can - in the next post. Thanks for the encouragement! We're ready for the next chapter in this fun ride!

TWINS! :-)

AHHH! So, it's official! There will be two new faces in the Erickson family on Monday afternoon. I received AN E-MAIL around 3:30 p.m. today saying:

"Good news! We can do placement at 4:00 on Monday afternoon!"

We didn't even know we were definitely picked to be a home for these girls!

On Friday afternoons, I work in the office up at the school where I used to teach. That's where I was when this e-mail popped into my inbox. I was so ecstatic that I ran right into the Man of the House's classroom and ran up to him to hug him. He knew as soon as he saw my face that we had good news.

My brother summed it up like a pro when he texted me this:
"Sometimes, it feels like God is saying 'No' when it was actually, 'Wait, I'm just about to give you the motherload!'"

The first half of this week, I was perfectly peaceful. I felt content with whatever happened with the sibling group we heard about last week. Even though the time had passed and it felt like too much time had passed for us to have been picked. Even though this week marked eight months since Baby Girl left us. My spirit was trusting and it felt good. When the CALL came on Wednesday about the twins, I was excited, but not anxious.

I had pretty much fallen off the "calm, peaceful, good attitude" wagon today. I was internally a nervous wreck and this situation was all my brain kept wanting to focus on. I was hitting the "refresh" button on the e-mail inbox way too often, just to see if I had a new message, or double checking my voice mail to make sure I didn't miss a call from the caseworker. I was debating with myself on whether or not to call to see what had happened, and at the same time, I was just annoying myself with all of my sudden anxiousness.

To finally hear that we had been chosen, that we have new additions coming to the house, was amazing. And this plan is where we are supposed to be. God is so good! He never forgets us.

So here's what we know about the 2-yr-old twin girls: they're 2-years-old, and they're twins, and they're girls.

Yup, that's it!

We don't know ethnicity, lots of details about family history, birthday, or even NAMES! :-) We will be meeting two brand new members of our family on Monday, and everything about them will be a surprise! When I read the e-mail this afternoon, I replied expressing my thanks, and asking for more information, but our caseworker must have left early because I didn't get a reply. Oh, well!

The plan is for the caseworker to arrive at 3:30 on Monday afternoon to sign the placement papers with us. We will get the binder with the children's background information that is known so far, the investigations report explaining the reasons the children were removed from their original home, court records of what's happened in the case, and anything else pertaining to the children themselves. We also will receive in the binder copies of paperwork we will be using for the duration of the girls' time as foster children with us: monthly report forms, medication forms (prescription and OTC medicine), doctor and dentist visit forms, etc. We keep these up to date and share with both our caseworker and the children's caseworker as we go.

We're just so excited to have good news to share, and a new journey to begin. The realities of being parents to multiples, and doubling the number of children we have with one blow, are of course in the front of our minds. We're stepping up our game in terms of communication and organization; you have to, to make such a drastic family transition. (I have a theory that, with us, the level of "with-it-ness" we have as parents is directly proportional to the amount of children we're caring for. I felt so organized and "together" during the times that we had three children, because we had to be. We're ready, and excited, and jumping in with both feet.)

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement as we move forward! We don't know where God will lead these two little sweethearts, but we will love and care for them as long as we can! Please keep them in your prayers as well, with the least amount of trauma possible as they also transition. What a huge deal to join a new family, and how much more amazingly earth-shaking it must be to do it at 2-years-old.

Baby Girl's Story

This story will be the hardest to write. It was painful, and it is the most recent.

I'll back up to last fall. Our caseworker began asking us if we would be open to new placements, as we were licensed for three children in our home at the time. We told her we wanted to wait until Little Guy's adoption went through, so we could focus on getting everything done that needed to happen, and just celebrate that time with him. Right before Christmas, we had a regular monthly visit from the caseworker. She asked again if we would be open to a placement and we happily told her, "Sure!"

In the morning on January 10th, I received a CALL from our caseworker. She asked me if we would be interested in taking in a four-day-old baby girl who was currently in the NICU due to some medical issues related to the pregnancy and birth, but was going to be released that day. I ecstatically agreed and ran to find The Man of the House.

We were all so thrilled - over-the-moon kind of happy. I remember that my face hurt from smiling so much those first couple of days. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy and I had all been praying for our new "baby brother" or "baby sister" for months, asking God to keep him or her safe and protect her, to help us prepare our home and hearts for a new addition, and to guide the outcome of the placement. The kids were so great about the situation; they think it's completely normal for a caseworker to drop off a random kid at your house to become part of your family! We are very open about the fact that they are adopted, and we tell the age-appropriate versions of their own stories to them every so often. We want them always to know how wanted they are and how loved - by so many people.

On the day we took in Baby Girl, here was her situation: Birthparents were not together. They were both a few years older than us. They had created an adoption plan during the last part of the pregnancy, but when birthfather came to the hospital to sign it after the delivery, birthmother told him she had changed her mind and wanted to raise the baby. He told her he wanted nothing to do with the whole ordeal. CPS became involved when certain things came to light about the situation. That's where we came in. Birthmother was somewhat estranged from her family and said she did not have anyone to take the baby in for the time being. We were chosen to take Baby Girl. Birthmother had an unfortunate history and a long journey ahead of her to regain her rights. The closest family were her parents three or four hours away, but the investigations caseworker confided to us that was too far away to consider for a placement. I will stress now that nothing was promised to us, but we were told it looked promising for our eventual adoption of Baby Girl. Birthmother could probably even change her mind about the adoption and maybe voluntarily terminate her parental rights, it was discussed with us. It sounded like a fairly simple case and we felt extremely blessed.

Baby Girl completed the puzzle of our family at that time in a way that is hard to describe. From the second we laid eyes on her, Baby Girl felt like a piece of our family that was always meant to be part of us. The Man of the House and I could hardly articulate to each other how attached we immediately felt to her. It all just "clicked" and we were praying right from the very first that she would stay with us for good. Of course we threw in the "if it be Your Will, Lord," phrase while we prayed, but of course this would be God's Will if it was working out so smoothly and felt so right, right?

Getting up in the middle of the night and then teaching a full day at school wasn't very difficult because of how enamored with her we all were. The Man of the House usually stayed up until about 11 p.m. to feed her, then I woke up around 2 or 3 a.m. to feed her again, and she ate again somewhere between 5 or 6 a.m., either before or after my shower, depending on the time. We had an efficient system of teamwork and I treasure my husband so much for his willingness to tackle these sleepless nights without complaining. It was a joyful, delirious, content time in our lives.

During the day, we arranged for Baby Girl to stay with a new friend from church who had a two-year-old almost exactly Little Guy's age. What a blessing to have people around us who are willing to jump on the crazy train right along side us and be ready to pitch in when our world abruptly changes course!

Miss A and Little Guy took turns holding Baby Girl every chance they could get. Miss A especially enjoyed helping with feeding time, but she did tell us, "I'm not doing any diapers." They talked about the baby to anyone who would listen.

A couple of weeks went by and our first court appearance happened. I took the morning off of teaching to head to the courthouse. I had not met Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer in person, so I was looking forward to sitting down and discussing her care and growth so far. I waited in the hallway, sitting in a padded chair, rocking and feeding Baby Girl. Two older people came up to me while I was waiting and began asking questions about the baby, and then told me that they were Birthmother's parents. They had just recently learned about the birth of Baby Girl, and they were there to get custody of her as her grandparents.

I felt floored, blindsided, scared, for my own sake. But I held it all in and made small talk. They asked to hold her, of course I handed her right over, and they held her the rest of the morning, without speaking much to me after that. When the lawyer came over, introduced herself briefly and then told me I wasn't needed in their conversation and I might be more comfortable sitting down inside the court room while they spent time with the baby out there in the waiting area. Feeling brushed off, pushed aside, I numbly complied and sat by myself listening to other cases for about an hour before I went back out to see if they needed anything.

I finally found Baby Girl's caseworker and we got to talk. I told her about the interaction and the statement the grandparents had made, not speaking in a defensive manner, just attempting to gauge her reaction. She looked at me and asked, "Does that make you upset?" She didn't speak unkindly, just very plainly and slowly, and continued, "You know that we keep children with families as much as possible. Of course they are here to get custody." I explained that I hadn't known until this moment that the grandparents were in the picture for custody, as I was told that they lived too far away to be considered for placement of Baby Girl and had been expecting to have her for the time being, if not longer. It was a new development for me and The Man of the House at the moment and we just needed to please be kept abreast of any new developments or decisions that came up.The caseworker told me not to worry, she might not leave today, but... we would have to see what the judge decided. At this point I was tearing up, she hugged me and apologized for me finding out this way, and I excused myself to the bathroom... and sobbed. I felt that communication had happened without us and felt powerless to have any say in Baby Girl's future. Obviously everyone else was on one page and we hadn't been informed. That was almost as painful as the thought of being separated from Baby Girl.

The grandparents were not rude to me in any way, I think they simply had no idea we had been told of the probability (at the time) of our keeping Baby Girl as a foster placement and longer. They considered us a foster home, which we rightfully were, but they assumed we were only a "placeholder" until they could come along and take care of the child. If I were in their shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way.

In the middle of this complex interaction, the investigations caseworker (who originally removed Baby Girl from Birthmother's custody) later checked in with me in the courtroom, saw I didn't have the baby, asked why, retrieved her from the grandparents, apologized for them being allowed to "take over", and said, "I know they're here to get custody, but I think she needs to stay with you." It was whiplash, back and forth, back and forth, with my emotions.

During the hearing, the judge received all of the information and updates, and then announced that she wasn't ready to move Baby Girl. The grandparents needed to be investigated and show that they could provide a decent home for her. This was the same judge who had overseen Spunky Girl/Preemie Boy's case, as well as Little Guy's case (Miss A was in a different county), so she knew our family, and said, "This is a good foster family and I know she's getting excellent care. I want to keep her there at this time." Obviously, her encouraging words made me feel better. As far as moving Baby Girl, with the long list of items to happen before you are "approved" by the agency, we all figured it would be a while, a span of time probably heading into months.

The days were horribly bittersweet as they went by. Every night left us more attached to Baby Girl, more confident that God had a miraculous plan that would enable her to stay with us forever, yet more fearful of the thought of her departure. Every call from the caseworker brought a rollercoaster of emotion as we heard all kinds of varying reports on Baby Girl's placement status. No answer could be determined... and no news is definitely not good news when the revelation of said news feels so immensely important. We heard how Birthmother wasn't doing well and chances were slipping away quickly that she could regain custody, in the caseworker's opinion. We heard about progress on the investigation of the grandparents and we heard about how Birthmother expressed that it was her desire for Baby Girl to stay with us and not be placed into her parents' custody. All we could be told was that everything would be reported to the judge and she would make the decision.

We were never able to have a single actual meeting with either Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer - they cancelled or no-showed on us several times, and even though they apologized, it still hurt and felt unfair - and we felt time slipping away from us, Baby Girl slipping away from us, without the possibility of The Man of the House and I, the foster parents, even being able to share our own feelings, opinions, and experiences.

Another court date was scheduled when Baby Girl had been with us about two months. The night before, I had a horrible foreboding feeling, worrying about leaving any stone unturned or anything unsaid. I called Baby Girl's caseworker, apologizing for bugging her after hours. Our last conversation had ended with her telling me "It was probably best for Baby Girl to get back with family as soon as possible and not just be stuck in some foster home." I wanted the caseworker to know that that wasn't the case for Baby Girl. I told her how much The Man of the House and I were attached to Baby Girl, how much we loved and cared for her, and how much we desired to adopt her if the time came. I said that I had never fully expressed it to her and I didn't want to appear pushy, but I needed to see if this made any difference to her opinion and if it would affect what she would tell the judge in the morning. The caseworker responded, "I had no idea you wanted to adopt her." I replied, "Well, we are a foster-adopt home and have adopted two others." She said, "Really?" and paused, then said, "That changes things."

I could barely sleep that night, reeling from the conversation with the caseworker. Should we have been up front from the beginning that our ultimate intent was to adopt Baby Girl, if her Birthmother lost custody, of course? Or was that too forward? You are somewhat discouraged from seriously discussing adoption when children are still in the foster portion of their care. Nothing's settled until it's settled, and you can't cross a bridge before you come to it.

The next day at court, I was told as soon as I arrived by Baby Girl's caseworker that the team would be asking the judge to move placement of Baby Girl to the grandparents' home effective immediately. Again, all I could feel was numb. It didn't help that we were one of the last cases heard that day and I had to hold everything in for such a long period of time. At one point, I did ask permission to run home and pack her bags quickly, to help make things easier for the grandparents. I cried the entire ride home, while at home, and the entire ride back.

The judge announced that she would agree to the placement move, but wanted to work out a smooth transition time. Instead of an immediate change, she asked if Friday, three days away, would be enough time for all of us. We all agreed and the hearing was over. The caseworker asked if she should pick Baby Girl up at school Friday morning. I asked if she could pick her up at the caregiver's home instead; I didn't want my students watching the good-bye.

It is not being dramatic to say that Friday was one of the worst days I have experienced. I dropped Baby Girl and her bag of clothes and diapers at the caregiver's home and could not linger so as to make it to school on time. I don't recall if I actually talked or just awkwardly left her with the caregiver after I kissed her good-bye and walked away.

I taught that day, which was probably a mistake. I excused myself to the hallway or bathroom countless times to cry, and spent lunch and recess time bawling with The Man of the House, who confessed that he had been choking back tears behind his ubiquitous coffee mug all morning (only the second time I've ever seen him cry, after the day of his grandfather's funeral). I had been very open with the students that today would be a rough day for me. They knew Baby Girl was a foster baby, had been bouncing off the walls with me the day we received THE CALL about her, and stunned into silence on the day I told them she was leaving us. As cold and numb as I was, I felt the warmth of their concern and care as my sixth graders prayed for me that morning. (One blessing of teaching at a Christian school! Love those kids!)

We survived the day and got home. I cried through most of dinner. At one point during the meal, Miss A stopped eating and sat in my lap. She looked at me, put her head on my shoulder, and tears began forming in her eyes. I asked her what was making her sad, and she said, "I think it's probably the same thing that's making you sad, Mommy." I held her and we sobbed together for a minute, and I said, "Yes, I miss Baby Girl very much. We love her, don't we?" She peered up through her tears and said, "Yes, we love her, Mommy, but there are more boys and girls that need our help now. We need to be ready to say 'Yes, we can help them!' when they ask us." Of course, that made me cry harder, tears of gratefulness that she understood what this was all about, maybe even better than we did.

I think about that moment whenever people comment or ask about the effect that fostering has on the other, permanent children in the home. I think teaching kids from an early age that sacrificing your own comfort or desires for the ultimate good of another is never a bad thing. It's painful for anyone when there is loss of any kind. It was painful for us, because we wanted things to work out our way for our own little world. Kids are so resilient, though. To Miss A and Little Guy, the uncertainty of having Baby Girl was a fact of life, and one they didn't question. It was natural - and of course, there was NO question about us doing it again. Miss A fully expected each of us to brush ourselves off, jump right back on our horses, and get ready for the next ride.

My hope in sharing this experience is not to appear overly dramatic or emotional, nor is it to ask for pity. We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this journey even before Miss A coming to our home was a reality. About half of the kids in foster care return to their biological families. No matter how things sound at the beginning of a case, things can always change. Putting up with the uncertainty is in the job description. We handled this well on some days and not as well on some days. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it, KNOWING WHAT COULD HAPPEN DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN!

But we'll do it again.

Love and kindness are never wasted.

I can't explain clearly how holding that precious warm bundle of sweetness with her mop of red hair gave us such incredible joy, no matter how short the time was. Life is uncertain in any circumstance. It could have been my biological child that I raised in my own womb and then "lost" two months later. If you have actually experienced the death of a child, my heart cries out in agony for you, because I know my hurt is only a shadow compared with yours. We are blessed to know that Baby Girl is still here on this earth with grandparents who love her. The pain slowly fades, but the memories will never be forgotten. Christ who hung on the cross with all my sin, experiencing the mess of this world with all its pain, was triumphant over it all, and He promises that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

Love you, Baby Girl. May you grow strong and courageous and honorable and compassionate, and always feel His love and ours, even if we never meet again.

Little Guy's Story

Previously in family fostering history...

The Man of the House and I had fostered Miss A and learned we would be adopting her. We had fostered Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy and learned they would be going home. I've talked in previous posts about how we respect the decisions made regarding the outcome of our cases, even if we don't agree with those outcomes. We support the foster care system and want to do our part, and understand the risks involved. That didn't make it easy to say good-bye to Spunk Girl and Preemie Boy. It was disheartening and discouraging at the time. Our placement caseworker asked us if we wanted further placements, and, after discussing it, we expressed to her that at that time we needed a bit of time to enjoy loving on Miss A. We would be interested in another placement in the future after we had time to grieve and reflect on where our journey had taken us over the past year.

October, November, December, and January went by. Miss A's third birthday came and went in January. The Man of the House and I had a talk one night that we might be feeling up to contacting our caseworker and letting her know we were available for a placement.

A few days later, I received a CALL at school from the caseworker. She had a four-month-old Hispanic baby boy who needed emergency placement that day. Were we willing to take him in? I said yes, and actually first called our favorite retired-school-teacher-child-care-provider, Mrs. C, who had watched Preemie Boy for a while for us, just to see if she could care for Little Guy for a while, until we could get daycare figured out. After that, I ran to find The Man of the House. :-) He was extremely excited, obviously ready to enjoy having another boy around the house.

When Little Guy arrived at our house, he was all beautiful cocoa skin and big eyes. I had had enough time for a blazing race through Target for diapers, wipes, formula, and maybe three outfits. We already had some baby boy bedding from when Preemie Boy was with us. His clothes, however, were way too small for our new four-month-old. (Thankfully, our Pastor's wife and another church friend brought over some clothes, both grandmas came through, and we had some other clothes given by The Man of the House's cousin. God is great!)

What I remember most about those first few days was how much Little Guy CRIED!!!! During that whole first day, I don't think he slept one minute, but shrieked and wailed the entire time as I tried to soothe and calm him. By the second or third day, things were much better. It is completely obvious that even babies are incredibly aware of their surroundings and aware when things are shaken up. I can't imagine being that little and already living in three different homes - how earthshaking that must be.

Little guy's situation was complicated. His birthfather was never in the picture. His teenaged birthmother was also in care away from home. She and her family had decided to place Little Guy outside their home for his safety, based on various risks at that place. This placement wasn't actually a family member, or even a friend, but an unofficial placement with a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend situation that wasn't working out. Little Guy had developed some medical issues at his new placement, where he had lived for the past two months. The thought in placing him with us was that they were giving this other placement some time to "clear her name" so to speak, and show that the placement was deemed safe enough to be officially approved by the department. He would probably go back quickly, but nothing was set in stone.

There were court hearings and appearances over the next few months. Little Guy grew bigger and very attached to us. At each court day, there were no updates on the status of the former placement, but the caseworkers were happy with his care at our home, so he stayed. Finally, four months later, the judge ordered him to stay with us throughout his birthmom's case, as further changes would be too much of an uprooting for him.

Several months later, his birthmother came to court and wanted to talk with me. She said she had decided she wanted us to adopt Little Guy and was ready to terminate her rights and end the case. She said the sweetest, kindest things to me about how we had done so much for him and she felt so comfortable with us and was so happy for our family. In the blink of an eye, this case that began so complicated-like seemed to resolve itself without a murmur.

Of course, the judge wouldn't allow her to sign the papers that day, but asked her to contemplate this big decision and wait until the next hearing. Her mind did not change, and two months later, we were beginning the adoptive placement of Little Guy's time with us.

We kept in contact with his birthmother, even taking her out to eat for Little Guy's second birthday. We have no real worries about continuing this relationship; she is just a young girl who was being swept up in the choices her family members had made. She is working hard to make a life for herself. We feel compassion and overwhelming gratitude for her courage and generosity towards our family. She gave us a wonderful gift for which we are humbly thankful.

This past year, she was placed in another new placement (her third since Little Guy's birth) and we have lost contact. We have heard that she is not doing as well in her personal life, and are refraining from contact at this point until she is better.

Little Guy's adoption became official in our town in December 2012. The judge was not our regular judge, and not even a family court or adoption judge. He told us this was a rare treat for him from his criminal cases and asked for a picture with us, which he promised was going on his office wall. We had a great time with family and celebrated with a yummy lunch together.

Miss A adjusted immediately to Little Guy's coming, and they have been inseparable. They are siblings through and through and, besides their outward appearances, one would never guess that they weren't genetically related. They hug on each other and wrestle each other, and never forget to thank God for each other in their prayers. We were truly blessed with this addition to our family.

Preemie Boy's Story

Here is another installment of "Stories from the Trenches", AKA general sketches of our fostering journey. I mentioned in a previous post that Spunky Girl had a baby brother we also fostered. Here is the short story of his time in our lives:

When we had been caring for Spunky Girl for about three or four months, the CASA worker called me after one of the supervised Friday visits with the birthparents. She told me that the birthmother had announced that she was pregnant and expecting to give birth to a baby boy in August.

As a sinful human being, this floored me - in a bad way. Still dealing with the sting and scars of our infertility struggle (the emotional effects of which will never completely go away), it seemed completely unfair for someone who has had their children taken away from them to be able to conceive children when we "normal", "nice" people could not. (Please note my use of quotations! I know there is nothing completely and inherently "normal" or "nice" about pretty much any of us! These are just the thoughts that went through my head at the time.)

Our next question was: "Would we be asked to care for this child as well?" It was inconceivable to us that a couple with children already removed would be allowed to have an infant in their home. The state keeps siblings together whenever possible, so we assumed we would be first on the list for his placement if he was removed from his birthparents' custody. This was a complex issue, because we were still adjusting to having two kids - would we be ready for a third so quickly? How could we say no?

It turns out those thoughts were a little premature. Surprisingly (to us), Spunky Girl's caseworker had not decided to remove yet, and "probably wouldn't", she said. Keep in mind that this was the new caseworker who turned the case towards reunification from the original goal of termination and adoption. She told us that the custody of Spunky Girl was still up in the air, and if she was going to go back anyway, why place the baby into care, just to return a short time later? Regardless, she told us, no decisions would be made until the baby was born.

We were kept somewhat in the dark about any future plans. We didn't hear about how prenatal care was going, if the department had reached any conclusions about the situation. It was mentioned briefly in court, and I have to add that the judge chided the birth couple, saying, "How in the world you thought having another child together when one is in custody and your others have been removed previously is beyond me."

During the first week of June, we were alerted by the CASA worker that Preemie Boy had been born several days before, two months early, and was in the NICU 45 minutes away. We were never spoken to about this birth by Spunky Girl's caseworker, I might add. Nothing more was said, just that the birth was difficult and their were some serious effects of him being so early, so he would be staying there for a while.

At the end of July, we received a call from a CPS investigator. Preemie boy was going to be released from the hospital in a few days. The decision had been made by the Investigations Department to remove him, and as the caregivers of an older sibling, we were being asked to take him in. We agreed, of course, and visited him twice in the NICU. He needed extra special care because of his early arrival and some other pretty serious medical conditions. We learned about these special conditions, and particular feeding and care methods from the nurses.

When you hold any baby for the first time, you always feel amazed at how small they were. With this little guy being so tiny, it was actually scary during the first moments we held him. I remember literally thinking I would hurt him just by holding him wrong. Preemie clothes seemed to swim on him. The little mittens for his hands fell off every few minutes. He was amazingly precious and we ate up every second we got to snuggle with him.

A tricky part of this was that our visits were arranged to avoid any contact with the birthparents at the hospital. They were not visiting often, but they did not know they were about to lose custody (neither did Spunky Girl's caseworker, we found out later). The day we got to take him home, we barely missed them appearing and had to be rerouted out a side entrance, escorted by several security and police officers.

Preemie Boy had to eat every 2.5 hours. Because of his issues, he ate incredibly slowly, so it could take 45 - 60 minutes to get an ounce into his little tummy. The Man of the House was wonderful taking turns all through the day and night to make sure we both had chances to rest. We were so blessed that he arrived at our house in the summer. We were able to catch some naps during the day at least!

He continued to thrive and grow, and began eating every 3 hours, then 3.5, then four. As the weeks plowed on, we grew attached to this precious gift of God, yet, at the same time, were hearing more and more that the case was cementing in favor of reunification for the children with their birthparents. We worried and prayed and worried and prayed.

The day The Man of the House attended the final court hearing to make the official decision about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy, I was actually in court an hour away at Miss A's final court hearing; they occurred on the same day. One reunification decision, one termination decision. It was bittersweet to hear in one breath that we would be parents forever to one child, yet be saying good-bye to two others. Our lives had changed drastically in eleven months - no children, one child, two, three, then back to one.

Some may point out that we knew it wasn't a certain thing that they would stay, that we knew what we were signing up for. I agree with that statement, but it doesn't make it any less painful. When you are in a foster-adopt placement, the idea is that, even if the court hasn't officially terminated the birthparents' rights, it is a good possibility that will happen and plans are being made for an alternate future. You can't help but hope, and dream, and make (tentative) plans for that future.

The decision made was to begin phasing Spunky Girl back immediately over the course of about a week. Medically, Preemie Boy was still fragile and there were still concerns as to his ability to thrive with birthparents. It was agreed that he would stay with us for a short period of time. Spunky Girl spent one night with her birthparents, then came back to us for a night, then spent two nights there, and then two nights back with us before officially being moved permanently back with her birthparents. It was a very rough week. We could see how confused and uprooted she must have been feeling. We heard things in her casual comments about her "other home" that scared us, keeping alive our worries about the home situation. We had no choice but to pray our hearts out. Three or four weeks later, at another court hearing, Preemie Boy was ordered to return as well. This placement happened virtually immediately; the caseworker followed me home from court, where I had a bag packed with his things, and we said goodbye that same afternoon.

God shook us to our cores when Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy were placed back with their birthparents. We struggled with anger, disbelief, confusion, and anxiety for their future. Let me stress - IT WAS NOT EASY! IT WAS NOT FUN! IT WAS NOT THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLANNED IT!

But we're not in control. God reminded us of that in this situation. It sounds so trite to say, but sometimes the simple answers are the best. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) I repeated these words over and over again to myself whenever I felt that sinful voice inside me yelling, "But it's not fair! What about US?"

When it comes down to it, we did what we set out to do: provide love and care for children. If we had biological children, they could leave us at any time, if God willed it to be their time to go to Him. Nothing is guaranteed on this earth. As long as there is sin, there will be pain and suffering. We can always ask, "Why?" But, I've learned, the reasons behind our sufferings and struggles are not as important as our response and the growth that comes through them. We are called to point to God in every situation, being obedient to Him and trusting NO MATTER WHAT. 

We are not allowed legally to know any information about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy at this point. I know they are in His hands, and continue to be, as are we and our ever-growing/ever-changing family.

Spunky Girl's Story

I'm going to jot down remembrances of all five of our foster placements when I get the chance. Here's installment number two: Spunky Girl! I will not be using her real name as she is no longer with us.

When we had been caring for Miss A four months, I received A CALL in the middle of a work day. While the last placement contact gave us a couple of weeks to prepare, this one was different: "Are you interested in a three-year-old girl? Yes? Okay, she's here at the office - when can you come get her?" I had time to run home and race through a quick clean-up of the house before I went to the office.

(Yes, I did this after letting my husband know about the call! A note on this: we have decided that our stance on placements is to be open. If God put it in the minds of our caseworker to contact us, we'll trust that it was because of His intervention. We want to care for and love on the kids, period. That may seem scary, to accept a new addition to your family on a moment's notice, but we believe firmly that we are being called to this life. The Man of the House has pretty much given me carte blanche to accept any child about whom we are contacted. Barring a huge and obvious reason to decline, we've decided won't say no to a placement.)

Spunky Girl, I was told, had quite a personality and lots of energy. When I arrived at the caseworker's office, I knew immediately which child she was: the one sprinting through the halls, shrieking with laughter, and knocking things off of the desks. It's funny now how at the moment, this didn't intimidate or worry me - I just saw a little one who needed love and a home. The Man of the House and Miss A arrived after school. We had our first dinner as a family at Mr. Gatti's Pizza.

Spunky Girl's story was different than Miss A's: her biological parents were our age, whereas Miss A's were much older. We also had major security and privacy concerns in agreeing to her placement, which opened our eyes to this reality. We weren't paranoid or unhealthily afraid, but we were definitely needing to make sure we were all safe for various serious reasons.

Spunky Girl had visits every Friday with her parents. They affected her strangely every time - obviously it would be confusing to be living in two different worlds and have two different families, and having the visits would revive all of that in her mind. Yet, her behavior would worsen dramatically, and her sleep would be disrupted all weekend. After a few days, it would be back to normal as she received comfort in our home routine (at least, in our humble opinion, that's how we saw it). It was a challenge we needed to face to help her deal with her situation, as much as her three-year-old soul could handle.

At these visits, Spunky Girl was blessed to have a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker. Having a CASA was a terrific help. They are there only in the best interests of the children, outside of court or caseworkers, to give an unbiased assessment of the case. Mrs. J loved Spunky Girl as much as we did. She brought her presents and treats, hugged her and loved on her, and always gave me updates on where the case was. I appreciated her contact immensely.

When Spunky Girl had been with us several months, her parents announced they were expecting in the summer. I will cover the story of Little Guy in an upcoming post.

With only a few months left to go until the case would be finished, and Spunky Girl's permanent situation would be decided, her caseworker left to take a different position in the department. Up until this point, the goal for the placement was termination of parental rights and adoption by non-family members (meaning us). The new caseworker had some differing perspectives on the case and began moving abruptly towards reunification with the birth family.

The plain fact is that the parents have a certain list of "services" to complete, including, lots of times, therapy, parenting classes, sobriety (obviously), random drug tests, successful supervised visitations with their children, etc. If they are "completing" their services, the caseworkers will reunify.

I won't go into details about why we were so against these children going back - and it had nothing to do with a territorial or defensive "wanting to keep" them. It had nothing to do with economic status or "benefits" we could offer that the other parents could not. Our concerns were of the ambiguous, subjective type (the negative environment they lived in, the lack of parenting skills, the lack of affection or attachment shown) as well as serious concerns for the safety of the children, given the history of the parents. In their past, their other children had all been removed permanently and had not been reunified. "How can this time possibly be any different?" we wondered. However, we were told that history is history, and if things are okay for the time being, and for the entirety of the case, there is no choice but to reunify. If there are no specific, identifiable, objective current problems, the kids go back.

Our worries increased after the reunification when we heard through the grapevine that, at the three-week follow-up hearing, the parents had already had two calls claiming concerns about them to the CPS office from neighbors. Yet, within three months, the case was dismissed completely from the court system and, legally, CPS does not and cannot monitor them unless something serious occurs. We are not allowed to know anything about the kids at this point. (Believe me, I've asked!:-))

As you read this, please do not just hear bitter rumblings. I know that I have a bias in this situation, assuming (arrogantly) that my home was a "better" place for the children. God always knows what is happening in His world. He sees hurt and pain - on all sides. Nothing about fostering is easy for anyone. Having children leave your home - whether removed TO a foster home or removed to go BACK FROM a foster home, there is difficulty. I learned compassion, and to refrain from immediate judgment of others. Do I think the kids would have thrived in our home? Yes! Now, what's done is done, and from the time they left us, we prayed continually for their parents - for strength, wisdom, and love. God gives us new starts every day, and we realize how blessed we were to be part of helping someone else obtain a new start with their family.

Miss A's Story

Here is a somewhat longer look into the story of our first foster placement and subsequent adoption story. I can't and won't share some details, as they are private to Miss A and her story, and legally to the case itself.
We finished our training, interviews, inspections, and home study finally sometime in July of 2009. We were told that our file was officially complete and we could potentially be ready for placement any time now.
Hubs and I were so incredibly excited to be ready. We had worked so hard since January to get everything completed and checked off of the list. At this point, it had been almost three years since we had begun our journey toward parenthood. (I may cover our infertility journey in detail in another post I may share at another time.) To me, the entire time felt like intense waiting, even though really we had been actively working with the foster care program for seven months. Some handle waiting better than others; I am not one of those people!
During the last week of August, we received our VERY FIRST CALL for a placement! It was for a 6-month-old Hispanic baby girl. I remember racing out of my youth ministry office across the hall to Hubs''s classroom, my heart racing, palms sweating. We could potentially be parents at this moment!
When I called our caseworker back to follow up, she told me that a placement had already been found in that short time for the little girl. She explained aspects of the placement process that I hadn't realized: most of the time, for a foster care placement, a case is brought in, and any caseworker that has a good match of a family can "claim" it, so to speak, first come first served. Your caseworker may contact you about a child, but other caseworkers are doing the same thing. We hadn't realized that, as we had the picture of a "regular" adoption agency, choosing "just the right family" after carefully narrowing it down. In these placements, action needs to happen quickly, as the child/ren may need a home that very day, or even that very  hour. Sometimes there's not the luxury of a long matching process, but simply quick responses.
That afternoon, feeling a little dejected, I received another CALL. This time, it was for a family of THREE! A sibling group consisting of a kindergartener, two-year-old, and infant needed immediate placement. Without even consulting Hubs, I told her that three would be too overwhelming at this point, but to keep us in mind in the future.
Labor Day Weekend happened following this weekend. We have a loose tradition on Hubs's side that we more often than not rent a beach cabin at Crystal Beach near Galveston over Labor Day Weekend. We talked with his parents and siblings about THE CALLS. I remember venting, "This is just taking so long!" However, just the fact that we had had some contact with placements, and how excited both of our families were, helped us have good attitudes while we kept waiting.
That Tuesday, which was September 8th, my birthday (!), I checked my e-mail sometime during the course of the morning and saw a placement notice for a 19-month-old girl. I sent a quick response saying we were interested and then ran across the hall to tell Hubs about it. After missing the 6-month-old baby girl last week from not moving quickly enough, I was determined to get in touch with our caseworker as soon as possible! Our caseworker, Kelly, said that several families were in consideration for the placement, and a decision would be made sometime soon.
Sometime later that afternoon, after a lunch I barely tasted and constant checking of my phone and e-mail inbox, we received THE CALL that the little girl was ours! I remember running into Hubs's room shrieking, "You're a Daddy!" I went around telling the whole staff at the church/school where we worked, caught up in a whirlwind of excitement. It goes without saying that she was and is the best birthday present I've ever received!
Kelly explained that Miss A had been removed from her home two months previous and was currently in a foster home placement. The case was progressing, and it looked like an adoptive home would be needed eventually, and the home she was currently in was only a fostering home. There was still almost a year to go until a decision would be made about her permanent placement, so nothing was guaranteed to us. We arranged to see Miss A for a one-hour visit that next Monday at her caseworker's office, then take her for a weekend visit that following Friday.
We arrived for the first visit and were buzzed in through the doors to the back where the offices and visiting spaces were. It was such a surreal moment, knowing that in just a matter of seconds, we would see our first child. Filled with these thoughts of the gravity of the moment, we approached the visiting room. However, when we walked in, Miss A barely paid us any attention! We were just a fixture in the room that she tolerated when we tried to pick her up at the end of the visit for a picture.
Little miss had physical challenges as well as speech challenges ahead of her. One leg turned at a strange angle from an underdeveloped hip combined with lack of use, and she only spoke three words: "puh-puh" (puppy), "cup", and "more". Her blonde hair, big brown eyes, and shy smile captured our hearts immediately; we couldn't wait to take her home.
It was hard to leave her for four more days until we saw her again. We drove back to the office on Friday after school to take her for the weekend. At the exchange, we spoke with the caseworker and foster parent, and a plan was made that, if Miss A adjusted fine, we would not return her to the foster home after the weekend as planned, but begin her time at our home for the long haul. This was incredibly good news, as we were having a hard time thinking about leaving her again after the weekend.
She did great as we put her into the car seat, and as we drove down the road. We kept expecting her to cry, but she simply looked around and took it all in.
Halfway home was a little barbecue joint on the side of Loop 1604 outside of San Antonio - Texas Pride. We had planned to stop here for our first meal as a family. Our Pastor had recommended it to us, and we were looking forward to trying it. We beamed with pride every time someone came up to compliment our little girl - she was oozing smiles and charm all night to everyone!
We expected for the other shoe to drop all night, so to speak, and for her to realize she was with people she didn't know, in a place she didn't recognize. We got her home, and showed her the house and her room and toys. After playing a while, it was time for bath and bed - and wonder of wonders, she fell right asleep with no fuss! (Of course at the time, we took the credit for being such amazing parents - especially for first-time parents! - and our egos have since been deflated, five kids, four years, and MANY bedtimes later!)
For the next five or six months, we kept up the pattern of monthly caseworker visits and three or four visits back to the caseworker's office for Miss A to meet with her birthparents. The case plodded along, and nothing drastic was happening. In the Spring, birth dad started missing visits, and soon after, birth mom stopped coming as well. Pretty soon, they had missed so many that they were cancelled. Court dates came and went, but we didn't have to appear because they were held in another county more than an hour away.
In August 2010, the trial portion was set. We were expecting for parental rights to be terminated and to move forward with the adoption. However, birth dad didn't show up and his lawyer was able to file for an extension. It took until the next Spring to officially have the court terminate the rights of Miss A's birthparents.
At that point, we began working on the adoption, updating our home study,  getting an adoptive caseworker, etc. Finally, on September 7th, 2011, in front of our Texas relatives, we officially became forever parents to our little girl. On the way back home, we stopped at the very same barbecue restaurant where we ate with her on our first night together as a family.
We are so incredibly blessed for this little pistol of spunkiness and sweetness, who made us a family after waiting for so long for that dream to come true. We love you so much, little one!