Catching Up

Six months is a long time to cover, but I will attempt to do our journey justice with this post updating since the girls came to our home in the fall!

I mentioned that we got the call about the siblings (4-year-old girl, infant sister in NICU) on a Friday afternoon. We made the requisite Target trip to grab some essentials, knowing we would go back and get more once we knew the girls' sizes and likes/dislikes. But you gotta start somewhere, right? A few outfits, pajamas, socks and underwear, a welcoming toy for the 4-year-old - and barely even knowing where to start with the baby, since we didn't know exact size for clothes and diapers, what formula, with which bottles and pacifiers was she familiar, etc. This could be a post topic all in itself!

The plans were made for the big sister to come to our house as soon as possible; the baby would be in the NICU for an indeterminate amount of time, and we would learn more over the next few days.

When the Investigator in charge of the case at that time brought Curly Sue through the door, I wasn't prepared for the reaction. The little one threw herself into my arms, sobbing, "They took me away from my Mommy, and I don't know what's going on." We had had basically non-speaking age placements (besides Big Sister of the twins), so it was very different to have the little one articulate what she was feeling. Of course, you try to make the transition as smooth as possible, and have as much compassion for the emotional upheaval that's happening - but to hear it being articulated is something else than experiencing it in a baby or young toddler.

While we signed papers with the Investigator, Curly Sue rocked in my lap, still crying. Over and over again, "They took me away from my Mommy." Miss A and Little Guy were amazing troopers, trying their hardest to distract and engage her - "Here's a Barbie!" "Here's my favorite truck!" "Here, we have 'Frozen'! We can watch it!" Every time, Curly Sue would say, "But I can't play with you, because they took me away from my Mommy." Finally, Miss A said, "Do you want to come play piano with me?" And the two girls walked hand in hand to the piano and began playing around on it. We let them carry on while we finished our adult discussion and paperwork.

We're not allowed to share a lot of details about the case for legal reasons, of course. Here are the basics, so you know where we were at that evening.

Baby was found to be not in very good health when she was born (around her due date, so not a preemie), due to issues happening during the pregnancy, so she was admitted immediately to the NICU and a CPS investigation was launched. It turns out the two girls have different fathers, it appears that the mother goes back and forth between the two of them and various other family members, and there wasn't really any stability or healthy situation anywhere. Curly Sue was immediately placed with a grandmother when the investigation started. We came into the picture because that turned out to not be a good choice, in addition to the fact that birth mom then moved into that home as well soon after (which counteracts the court orders to remove the children from her custody). At this point, the baby was five weeks old.

The next morning, The Man of the House took the three kiddos fishing down by the river. I got in touch with the NICU where the baby was admitted, making sure they had my information and that I had clearance to visit. I spent the day with Brown Eyed Baby Girl. She absolutely blew me away - such a gorgeous baby, with huge dark eyes and already smiling (or at least her face would make the motions and I called it smiling). She was calmer than I expected and I spent almost the entire day (minus grabbing lunch and running to the nearby Target for more supplies, now that I'd met her) just holding her and giving her attention. It was absolutely amazing to be able to do that. No agenda, no distractions, no rushing, just holding and rocking all day. She was eating terrifically, every three to four hours, depending on if it was day or night, and had grown very well during her time there. Everything physically and physiologically seemed to be right on target.

It took two more weeks - up to just before she turned 2 months old - before she was discharged from the hospital. The positive to this was that we got to focus at home on transitioning Curly Sue. Besides a nightmare in the middle of the first night, we didn't really have any issues, which was a blessing. She was incredibly polite and very verbal. She doesn't know a stranger. She had a quick mind, but you could tell she hadn't had anyone spend time with her working on letters, numbers, or shapes, little things a 4-year-old should know by then. It seemed that she was able to catch on quickly, though, and even now she learns more and more every day. A very very bright child with so much potential! She began school after a transition period, and we are following her progress and enjoying watching her learn and grow.

The one issue we had was hygiene. Her extremely long (I'm talkin past her butt) curly dark hair was matted almost to the point of being dreadlocks. She SCREAMED when she got her first bath here, yelling, "What are you doing to me? Why are you putting water on my head?" Almost as if she'd never had a real bath before. She was confused as to why we were brushing her teeth, which looked horrible and neglected. Thankfully, we haven't had any betwetting problems, or night terrors, or any issues like that.

It was a couple of weeks until the first visitation. It turns out Mom was the only parent who had done her homework to be able to see the kids. Little Guy and I dropped them off for an hour. The cheerful, skipping girl I dropped off was a sobbing wreck when I picked her up. I know it's incredibly difficult for the kids - at any age - to literally go back and forth between two families at these moments, and one can only guess what's being said in the visitations about the situation that may or may not be helpful or healthy for the kids to hear. Curly Sue came crying out of the visit saying that I was a bad, sneaky person, who had stolen her away from her real Mom, and I didn't love her and was going to do mean things to her. The caseworker and I calmed her down in the car, and ten minutes down the road, she was her normal self, like nothing had happened. Randomly, before we got back home, she said, "I'm sorry for saying all of those bad things to you. I know they weren't real." Wow, right? (Again, a topic for another post another day: how to help the kids emotionally after their visitations!)

It just makes my heart ache, to think about all of the hurt, all around. We've gone through our tough stuff, but we're not the only ones. Here's a young woman who's made some mistakes, who is probably scared out of her wits and angry - I would be. Here's a little girl who has been taken from the only family she knows, then gets reminded of that when she has to drive away from them again every week. So many emotions. Big prayers for peace all around.

Following that visitation, the others have been fine. Curly Sue gives me big hugs goodbye when I drop her off, and runs to her Mom. When I come to pick her up, she gives big hugs goodbye to her Mom and runs to me. It's amazing how resilient kids are, and how they can adjust to a new "normal".

As the case stands now, neither of the fathers has been allowed a visitation with the children. At this point, that's going to be upheld for the foreseeable future. Neither are cooperating with the State at this time to work services to get the girls back. Of course, that could all change, and any positive steps in the right direction would be evidence to reunify, or at least give extensions.

Mom is neither more nor less stable than before. She attends most every scheduled visitation, but sounds to be more hit or miss with the services she's supposed to be obtaining to make progress. What we're hearing is that she has a lot more work to do to prove she can provide a stable, safe home.

We have recently had a switch in caseworkers, which can be a good thing or not. This seems to be a good thing, even though we really liked the first caseworker. Both this new caseworker and the lawyer assigned to represent the girls are very communicative and available to answer questions we have. Neither are promising anything permanent, but the scales seem to be tipping in the favor of the kids staying with us for good.

We have heard that the trial to decide the forever placement of the girls won't be until November, but then we've also heard that it could be July or August. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through the ever present journey of court dates and decisions.

It is neat but more-so humbling to see God working in our hearts. Several years ago, we would be frantically praying every night for God to work in the court case so that we could adopt the child/ren we currently had. Then, we were able to move to a grudging, then more authentic, "Your Will Be Done". At this point, I think we can both say that we just pray for our hearts to be in the right places as we journey along. We won't think about the end at this point, but we want to be the best family we can for all of the kids - our forever kids, plus these two who will be with us for an indeterminate amount of time. We're more focused on keeping our attitudes right and positive and remembering that it's not about us wanting children, but it's about these kids needing a family. I want to show hope and perseverance through the uncertainties, and praise God on any and every given day.

Thanks for listening, and caring about our little corner of the world! Much love to you all!

The Update That's Taken a While To Write

I've been away for a while from updating the blog. We've had a lot happen to us in the last five months. Some good, some bad. I needed a lot of reflection and processing time. Whenever I tried to sit down and write about it all, no words would come.

So, here's the attempt at a brief synopsis of what's happened in our home since September. I'll go back and talk more about it later, but I wanted to at least get this out there. You all have been great with support and encouragement, so thank you!

I wanted this blog to be true to our story and the process, and give a realistic picture of what it's like to be a foster parent. This is one of those not-so-happy accounts.

The last I wrote, we had just been placed with our newest little guy, the 18-month-old boy who was fitting in so well with our own Little Guy. We were absolutely in love with him from day one. His curly dark hair and chubby cheeks, his laughing, the way he snuggled in our arms from night one - what a gem. Something I hadn't shared is that his birthmother was also expecting again, and not doing well, according to the caseworker; her situation was not a good one and she was being monitored and the baby was more than likely going to be removed and placed with us, since we had a sibling. Two for one! Plus, the fact that this was an adoption case, with no fostering waiting time, AND it came the DAY after the twins and Big Sister left us - man, we felt like every prayer had been answered.

Three weeks after he came to us, I received a call from our caseworker that he was being removed. They would pick him up in one hour and we were to have his bags packed. No, she couldn't tell me any details, we just had to have him ready.

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There are no words to describe hearing that. My world collapsed. Nothing made sense. I could barely function for that hour - or the next few days. We've said good-bye to kids before, but normally with at least SOME warning - or at least explanation. This time, one hour, have him packed, didn't tell us anything about what was going on.

I called the boy's caseworker immediately and she said she had no idea what was happening, just that she had also received a message saying he was being moved and that was all.

It took several days of calls to have puzzled out for us that apparently there was "something wrong" in the licensing area. Whatever it was, our file had been flagged and that mandated an immediate removal of any foster kids until the licensing issue was resolved.

But, we still had no idea exactly what that meant, if it was something we needed to take care of, or our caseworker would take care of, what it meant for the future...

FIVE DAYS passed with us hearing nothing. Our caseworker kept saying she didn't know what was going on, couldn't discuss it, etc. The boy's caseworker quit returning my calls after the second day.

Five days later, a licensing investigator showed up at my house to apologize in person. There had been a horrible mistake. It wasn't us who had an issue with our foster care license. It was another home, and their case number or name had been entered wrong into the system, which flagged our name. It had nothing to do with us, just a clerical error in the data entry department.

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To say I was beside myself is an understatement. I told him all about the whole week, how we missed the little guy, how we were so confused. He said he had no idea he had been removed, this was a horrible mistake, how could this have happened, what could he do to make it up to us...

So he got on his phone in our living room and made phone calls to everyone he could think of, trying to figure out where the mistake was made and what could happen next. I called our caseworker, who took a while to comprehend what I was saying (What? The department make a mistake? Never!). I called the boy's caseworker many times, who never answered.

I finally found the name of and got in touch with the boy's lawyer covering the case. She was a nice lady who listened patiently as I explained how the whole thing had been a misunderstanding. She told me she was incredibly sorry, that she couldn't believe this happened to us, BUT that nobody likes moving children around more than necessary, and she didn't want to unsettle him and move him again to come back to our home. She finally promised to schedule a meeting with the caseworker and her supervisor, as well as other authorities at the department, to discuss what should happen, now that everything was found to be a big mix-up.

Two days later, after many calls, texts, and emails from The Man of the House and me, she emailed him saying that the decision was final, and moving him again would be too traumatic, so he was staying where he was.

I can't begin to tell you how upset we were when we heard this. A huge life-altering mistake was made and those in control apologized, but made no action to correct it. I can't describe the hurt and the crying that happened for weeks at our home, from all members. If I were to point to my darkest days here on earth, this would be it.

I mourned the son I had been told would be mine forever, FINALLY without the hassle and stress of a fostering case and months/years of waiting and wondering. I was hurt that the caseworkers didn't do more to help our care and support us. I was embarrassed to think of ANY black mark being on our "record" - as a firstborn, that is inconceivable!

I was sick of being a doormat for the state, sick of giving, giving, giving, and it all being for naught. God couldn't ask this of us again. We didn't deserve to go through this. Done. Never again.

Except.

Except that, on Friday, September 26th (just following the Comal County Parade, y'all!), we were called and asked to take in a 4-year-old girl and her newborn sister. They needed a home immediately, although Baby Sis was in the NICU due to complications from the pregnancy, and needed more time until she could come home with us.

When I called The Man of the House to discuss it, he answered, "What time will they be at our house? Did you run to Target yet?"

Curly Sue and Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl entered into our family because we realized that, no matter how mad and upset we can get with the world, with people with whom we interact, with the department, that doesn't change the fact that there are still kids out there who need a home. We feel so called to this life right now, and we would have regretted saying no or quitting. Something that day led us to accepting another placement.

As far as the case goes, it is another foster-to-adopt label, which means fostering for the time being, but more than likely heading towards adoption. (And yet, we've heard that before.) But, a lot depends on birth parents cooperating with the service plan they are given to get custody of their children back, and there's not total cooperation at this point. I'm really zooming ahead, past everything that's gone on since the end of September, but the caseworker at this point is saying we're moving towards the parents' rights being terminated this summer or in the fall, with the adoption happening in due time after that. Of course, nothing is EVER final until it's final, so we're not holding our breaths... but we do get to hold two precious little girls that we have grown to love very much, along with the two priceless gifts with which God has already blessed us in Miss A and Little Guy.

Our prayers are for peace and emotional stability as we continue through the case. After what happened in September, we both kind of feel like nothing can be as bad, and nothing can hurt us as much. We just want to stay healthy mentally and emotionally as we love all of our kids, and help them all grow, and potentially put down roots together as a family unit.

So, there's a quick summary, and I promise I will begin to write more frequently, and I will fill in some of the time since October and details about the girls and the case, what I can share, at least.

Thanks, all! Hugs going out to everyone!