Weekend with Big Sister, Part 1

What a blur the last few days felt like! We had a pretty big weekend, so I'll share some of it here with you all.

We had arranged to host the twins' Big Sister for the weekend, to give her some time with her siblings. She was really excited and had been calling us a few times per week since we made the plans a couple of weeks ago. The day of, the caseworker texted me, asking me to double check the time and place of our handing-over, per Big Sister's request, as she was beyond excited, anxious, and nervous about the whole weekend.

The arrangements were to pick her up at a Dairy Queen in a town an hour and a half away, which is about mid-point from where she is currently staying. We got there ten minutes early and I half-convinced myself that we were one town too far, and that I had mixed up the location. There was no reason why I would have made a mistake, and I had written the details down carefully and everything, but I was horribly anxious that I had messed up and would ruin the weekend at its very beginning.

They showed up about fifteen minutes after we did. We loaded her bags into the van after giving big hugs, and headed off to find a place to eat dinner. Thank the Lord for smartphones to help with tasks like that! We found a local place that had pizza, and since Friday is usually pizza night at the Erickson homestead, we traversed there. Man, it must have been a spectacle to see us with FIVE kids trying to wrangle into a table!

One person asked incredulously, "Are they ALL yours?" I felt awkward since the question was asked right in front of Big Sister - and the twins, although they probably wouldn't understand, I still want to make sure they don't hear any disparaging comments about fostering or adoption. I just brightly and quickly explained our outing and we all moved on. The kids ate well, and we played outside for a few minutes before loading back up for the drive home.

I had set up a twin-sized blow-up mattress in Miss A's room for Big Sister. Once we got home and showed her around, we asked if she would feel more comfortable sleeping in the twins' room instead, and she said yes, so we moved her into there. I had made her a little arrangement on a small tray of some travel sized toiletries, a nail polish, teas, chocolates, etc. I wanted her to feel at home and special, and have her know we appreciated her being here.

The little ones were all extremely tired and ready for bed, and fell asleep immediately. The Man of the House and I told her she could stay up and watch TV with us for a bit. She did, and we chatted a while, and then we all headed to bed to join the others sleeping.

The next day, everyone was up at 7:00 like an alarm had rung in the house. So much for sleeping in on a Saturday! (I know to some with little kids, 7:00 a.m. is sleeping in! Sorry to gripe!) We got moving and ready for the day. Around 8:30, we were finishing breakfast and the doorbell rang. Puzzled, I walked to the door. Surely one of the caseworker's hadn't decided to make it an early morning and come for an unannounced visit, I told myself.

When I answered the door, it was a woman I hadn't met before. She was there to pick up the twins for their visit with their family members, which apparently got changed from noon-6 to 10-4, without our being notified. (We actually like this time better, which now means the visits won't interfere with both lunch and dinner every other weekend.) So, we just went with it. We scrambled with the help of Big Sister to fix the twins' hair and pack a bag with clean clothes and get them out the door.

Big Sister had known that the twins would be gone for a big part of the day at the visit. There was worries from the caseworker and us that she would be upset or anxious about it, but she said she was fine with it, and still wanted to come this weekend, even with the visit being scheduled.

We then showed her around town, seeing the sights and hitting up good old Target. We had a light sandwich lunch at the house, and then Big Sister, Miss A, and I headed to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special treat to see "Rio 2".  If you haven't seen a movie at an Alamo Drafthouse, you should! You'd be in for a fun experience! It is the kind of theater where you can order your food from a waiter/waitress in your seat and they bring it to you, throughout the movie. Obviously none of our kids have been to one yet, since it is such a special treat, but the girls really enjoyed it. On a side note, I actually liked "Rio 2" better than the first "Rio" - pretty cute.

We met a good friend and her daughter for ice cream following the movie. I appreciated them taking the time to hang out with us, as their daughter is the same age as Big Sister and it was good to have her interact with someone her age. Thanks, Momo!

The twins had returned by the time we got home, so we played outside in the warm weather and the Man of the House grilled out for dinner.

Following dinner, baths, and reading time, we put the little kids down to bed. Big Sister had helped clear the table, swept the floor, and straightened up the living room, all without being asked. It was pretty nice to have one other "big person" around! We thanked her profusely for her help.

The twins were lively, as they hadn't been put down for naps during their visit, and were in that delirious fighting-sleep stage of the super-exhausted. The time was probably only about fifteen or twenty minutes of their squirming and fussing before they were fast asleep, but it began to make Big Sister very anxious. "It's all my fault," she mumbled, slouching on the couch. "I'm throwing off your routine and ruining your night."

We immediately corrected her and let her know that was absolutely wrong. The twins were destined for a rough night after the visits; it always happened, and we expected it. (More about their reaction in a later post.) We encouraged her to understand that two-year-olds are going to react to any change in routine, and to recognize how happy we were to have her visit and how happy the twins were to spend time with her.

She continued the conversation by sharing a little about her various foster placements. She said several times, "I don't know what it is about me that makes people not want me." Apparently, there are other siblings not involved in this case -  two older, one younger than her - that are her father's biological children, but not her mother's, making them her half-siblings, however they are in custody of her father and somehow she is not, even though her mother lost her parental rights. We also didn't know that she (and maybe the other siblings) had been in two foster homes before they were placed with the cousins. Following the shelter where the five of them were last together until November, she has been in three more placements while the twins have been with us. We don't know a lot of the details regarding why she was moved so many times, but from talking to the caseworker it seems more like unfortunate cases of unprepared foster parents than an overly problematic preteen.

It is needless to say that these comments tore us apart. We both let her know in no uncertain terms that being in foster care is not her fault. We told her that mistakes happen and that none of us are perfect, but that nothing she did is the reason why they were all removed from the home/s. I remember saying, "It stinks when it's the adults in your life who are making mistakes and the children have to suffer for it. But that doesn't make it your fault. There's nothing you could have done." Someone has had to have told her this before, but she was acting like it was all new to her. She kept tearing up, and at one point she said, "I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time."

She was a complete sweetheart during our time together, albeit reserved and a little quiet most of the time. She is just amazing with the twins and the younger kids - so patient, creative, and loving. She was just soaking up every moment with them, and you could tell how much she missed them. I understand that a young person, especially one who's been hurt and rejected, can put on a front and "act" the "right way" to give a certain impression. However, this is the side we've always seen of her. We know there's got to be parts that are rough around edges, but she just is in dire need of authentic love and attention from someone. I can sympathize with how rough it would be to parent a young person with such baggage, but I just shake my head and fist, wishing any of the placements had stuck it out and shown her some patience and endurance, that people out there can be loving, that she isn't worthless, and she is special.

Our talk lasted almost two hours, and we hope we did some good. We just prayed later that God was working through our words to give some sort of healing or balm to her scarred little soul. She

I will finish with more observations about the weekend tomorrow - this is getting long and I'm getting sleepy! Good night for now...