Preamble: I'm trying not to dwell too much on all the negatives right now. Please excuse me if that's what this post sounds like!
The twins went on their first all-weekend visit to their cousins' home - the family who served as their previous caregivers. Before I reflect on that, I'll chat a bit about the lead-up to the visit.
We were asked by the caseworker not to tell Big Sister that the judge wanted her to go on these visits with her siblings. The caseworker wanted to be the one to tell her. But, she was then unable to come that day, and then unable to come the next morning, so on the night before the visit, she asked us to tell Big Sister.
After the little kids were asleep, we sat her down and explained that the family had come to court asking for custody of her as well, that they were willing to work on reconciliation, working through the past issues, and on making sure she felt comfortable in their home. We told her that the judge had extended the weekend visits from 6 hours on every other Saturday, to the entire weekend, and that the judge wanted her to go, but that she would not be forced to go, if she didn't want to. That evening, she reacted very introspectively and calmly. The first thing she said was, "Well, if I go, I get to spend time with my siblings all weekend. And I get to watch out for them and make sure they're okay." We talked a while about having positive expectations, going in with an open mind, how going on this visit would show her own growth and maturity, and that making a fair try could show everyone good steps in a positive direction. We left it at that, and said it was up to her, and she could sleep on the decision.
The next day, though, she was in a pretty major funk about the situation. When we asked her about her decision in the afternoon, it started out with, "I don't know what to do," and then it escalated with her confronting us - "You don't want me here anymore. You're trying to get rid of me. You can't tell me what to do - you're not my parents." We tried to discuss with her that we were just modeling decision-making strategies, that we weren't telling her to go or not to go, that it was her decision, and that nobody would force her to go, that this was the judge's ruling, not ours, etc. But, she was emotionally distraught at this point and wasn't able to continue to calm herself down very well.
Finally, the Man of the House put his foot down and said, "It would not be healthy or a good experience for you to go at this point, with you so upset about it. Let's all just agree that you're not going this weekend, and we'll talk it through with the caseworker about the rest of the weekends." She calmed down and apologized to us both for her behavior, and we expressed to her forgiveness, and that this whole situation just stinks for all of us. It's expected that there will be some very strong emotions and that we all will deal with it differently.
The visits are set from 6 pm on Friday to 6 pm on Sunday.
No comments:
Post a Comment