Weekend with Big Sister, Part 2

I began writing this post last night. If you missed the first half, click here.

So, there we were...

We woke up and got ready for church on Sunday morning. The handbell group in which I am a member was playing for the service, so Big Sister, Miss A, and I headed up a little early for warming up. During the service, the kids were pretty good - with the exception of Little Guy.. sigh. Seems like he's been making sitting through church his big battle lately... But I digress...

I teach Sunday School to the toddler class. It's a cool set-up we have developed over the last few years for this class - parents are involved and attend the class too. We have fifteen or twenty minutes of playing, then "circle" time with songs and the Bible lesson, then a snack and sometimes a craft or activity. It's a fun time for the parents to hang out with the little ones, and even the dads have gotten into it and are a big help.

Big Sister came along to help in the class, which was good because we had a craft that involved paint. I was feeling really optimistic (too optimistic?) and was hoping we could quickly get their palms covered in paint, dab their prints onto the paper, and clean up - bada bing, bada boom. Here's a picture of the intended craft:

Thank goodness for the parents in the room who made the whole experience go smoothly! Our handprint crosses looked somewhat like this, but they were adorable all the way around. We got the hands painted on, and then had to wait for it all to dry. I sent them home for the families to finish the wording and shaping into an oval/Easter egg (or not!).

Following Sunday School, we headed home for lunch. The kids' caseworker had asked me last week if she could come do her visit on Sunday, to see the twins and also to see Big Sister. She let us know a day or two later that she would arrange to bring the other two siblings as well, as Big Sister hadn't seen them since probably December. I made two pans of Tater Tot Casserole and we were golden.

I've mentioned before that the other two siblings are currently in a children's shelter, since their foster home asked for their removal and no home has been found yet. We could tell a difference in them and their demeanor when they arrived, compared to the last time we saw them. They were both almost silent for the first thirty or forty minutes, refusing to talk. Neither one ate much, either. I was able to gain some rapport with the three-year-old girl, and she let me take her to the bathroom. While we were walking, she asked, "Which is my new bedroom?" It absolutely pained me to say, "Honey, you're not staying here - you'll go back after we finished eating and playing together." They must have thought they were going to ANOTHER new place, and that has got to be added stress, whether it's a good kind of stress or bad kind of stress.

It still breaks my heart that we were unable to take them in, and to know that they are still having to deal with living in a shelter, where they have been for about a month now. We both pray constantly for something to come up for them, some family to come into the picture, someone to love them and care for them in the middle of this situation.

The kids played well together and obviously were happy to see each other. It was pretty hot - Texas at the end of April, almost 100 degrees - so we were wilting outside, and came inside to finish up playing in the air conditioning.

When it was time to say farewell, I could tell Big Sister was getting pretty sad. She became even quieter. We helped load up the two siblings in the caseworker's car, then began getting her things together to get on the road back to her pick-up location. As I said yesterday, it was almost ninety minutes away, so we had a drive ahead of us. (Well, the Man of the House had a drive ahead of him. I had high school handbell practice, so I didn't drive with the crew.)

Once her things were in the car, she got in and buckled herself in. Maybe she felt awkward about good-byes, maybe she thought we all didn't want to make a fuss over her. But I opened the van door back up, gave her a hug, and made sure she understood we would try to do this again soon. She made a comment that the caseworker had talked to her about potentially moving to an Aunt's house in the near future. I tried to sound positive for her, even though she was sounding like the prospect wasn't really what she wanted to happen.

If that could happen, and be a good placement and a positive experience for her, that would be the answer to many prayers. As hard as it is to say no again, the Man of the House and I have run over and over different scenarios in our mind, and, at this point, we don't feel that being with us would be the best placement for her. We could do it, we could make it happen, and even be pretty good at it, understanding that she needs lots of love, patience, and guidance to succeed. But to find a healthy family member, one familiar with her, or someone with more experience being a parent to a struggling teenager, would (hopefully) be the best case scenario for her.

We didn't want to break her heart and give her false hopes about this weekend. We didn't want her to feel like it was an "audition" and that she was failing if we didn't automatically ask her to move in with us immediately. She didn't mention it to us, but the caseworker had been hinting that Big Sister was hoping for a move to our home. It was something we said we could consider if that was her best option, but that was before we heard about the Aunt being willing.

We want to be part of her life, and hope that being a supporting scaffold will be of benefit to her and the family as a whole. While we don't feel able (or called) to be the parent figures in her lives, all kids need healthy relationship with adults. We pray that we can be a positive influence and be a help to her in any way we can.

Please join us in praying for this young person and for the whole group of siblings as their future is decided for them by other adults. God has the chapters of their lives already written, and knows each step along the way. We pray for healing on their troubled hearts, for warmth and love to come in and envelop them, from whatever source it may be.

Also, please keep in the front of YOUR mind how many, many, many other children like her are out there. Good kids, who, through no fault of their own, are caught up in a system that is doing its best, but can never replace the love of a real Family. Please pray for all children who need a forever home, kids of all ages. If God is stirring something in your heart to act for these children, please pray about that as well, but don't delay! God has a plan for everyone! Might fostering or adopting be one of His plans for you?

"God put a million, million doors in the world for His love to walk through. One of those doors is you." - Jason Gray, "With Every Act of Love"

Weekend with Big Sister, Part 1

What a blur the last few days felt like! We had a pretty big weekend, so I'll share some of it here with you all.

We had arranged to host the twins' Big Sister for the weekend, to give her some time with her siblings. She was really excited and had been calling us a few times per week since we made the plans a couple of weeks ago. The day of, the caseworker texted me, asking me to double check the time and place of our handing-over, per Big Sister's request, as she was beyond excited, anxious, and nervous about the whole weekend.

The arrangements were to pick her up at a Dairy Queen in a town an hour and a half away, which is about mid-point from where she is currently staying. We got there ten minutes early and I half-convinced myself that we were one town too far, and that I had mixed up the location. There was no reason why I would have made a mistake, and I had written the details down carefully and everything, but I was horribly anxious that I had messed up and would ruin the weekend at its very beginning.

They showed up about fifteen minutes after we did. We loaded her bags into the van after giving big hugs, and headed off to find a place to eat dinner. Thank the Lord for smartphones to help with tasks like that! We found a local place that had pizza, and since Friday is usually pizza night at the Erickson homestead, we traversed there. Man, it must have been a spectacle to see us with FIVE kids trying to wrangle into a table!

One person asked incredulously, "Are they ALL yours?" I felt awkward since the question was asked right in front of Big Sister - and the twins, although they probably wouldn't understand, I still want to make sure they don't hear any disparaging comments about fostering or adoption. I just brightly and quickly explained our outing and we all moved on. The kids ate well, and we played outside for a few minutes before loading back up for the drive home.

I had set up a twin-sized blow-up mattress in Miss A's room for Big Sister. Once we got home and showed her around, we asked if she would feel more comfortable sleeping in the twins' room instead, and she said yes, so we moved her into there. I had made her a little arrangement on a small tray of some travel sized toiletries, a nail polish, teas, chocolates, etc. I wanted her to feel at home and special, and have her know we appreciated her being here.

The little ones were all extremely tired and ready for bed, and fell asleep immediately. The Man of the House and I told her she could stay up and watch TV with us for a bit. She did, and we chatted a while, and then we all headed to bed to join the others sleeping.

The next day, everyone was up at 7:00 like an alarm had rung in the house. So much for sleeping in on a Saturday! (I know to some with little kids, 7:00 a.m. is sleeping in! Sorry to gripe!) We got moving and ready for the day. Around 8:30, we were finishing breakfast and the doorbell rang. Puzzled, I walked to the door. Surely one of the caseworker's hadn't decided to make it an early morning and come for an unannounced visit, I told myself.

When I answered the door, it was a woman I hadn't met before. She was there to pick up the twins for their visit with their family members, which apparently got changed from noon-6 to 10-4, without our being notified. (We actually like this time better, which now means the visits won't interfere with both lunch and dinner every other weekend.) So, we just went with it. We scrambled with the help of Big Sister to fix the twins' hair and pack a bag with clean clothes and get them out the door.

Big Sister had known that the twins would be gone for a big part of the day at the visit. There was worries from the caseworker and us that she would be upset or anxious about it, but she said she was fine with it, and still wanted to come this weekend, even with the visit being scheduled.

We then showed her around town, seeing the sights and hitting up good old Target. We had a light sandwich lunch at the house, and then Big Sister, Miss A, and I headed to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special treat to see "Rio 2".  If you haven't seen a movie at an Alamo Drafthouse, you should! You'd be in for a fun experience! It is the kind of theater where you can order your food from a waiter/waitress in your seat and they bring it to you, throughout the movie. Obviously none of our kids have been to one yet, since it is such a special treat, but the girls really enjoyed it. On a side note, I actually liked "Rio 2" better than the first "Rio" - pretty cute.

We met a good friend and her daughter for ice cream following the movie. I appreciated them taking the time to hang out with us, as their daughter is the same age as Big Sister and it was good to have her interact with someone her age. Thanks, Momo!

The twins had returned by the time we got home, so we played outside in the warm weather and the Man of the House grilled out for dinner.

Following dinner, baths, and reading time, we put the little kids down to bed. Big Sister had helped clear the table, swept the floor, and straightened up the living room, all without being asked. It was pretty nice to have one other "big person" around! We thanked her profusely for her help.

The twins were lively, as they hadn't been put down for naps during their visit, and were in that delirious fighting-sleep stage of the super-exhausted. The time was probably only about fifteen or twenty minutes of their squirming and fussing before they were fast asleep, but it began to make Big Sister very anxious. "It's all my fault," she mumbled, slouching on the couch. "I'm throwing off your routine and ruining your night."

We immediately corrected her and let her know that was absolutely wrong. The twins were destined for a rough night after the visits; it always happened, and we expected it. (More about their reaction in a later post.) We encouraged her to understand that two-year-olds are going to react to any change in routine, and to recognize how happy we were to have her visit and how happy the twins were to spend time with her.

She continued the conversation by sharing a little about her various foster placements. She said several times, "I don't know what it is about me that makes people not want me." Apparently, there are other siblings not involved in this case -  two older, one younger than her - that are her father's biological children, but not her mother's, making them her half-siblings, however they are in custody of her father and somehow she is not, even though her mother lost her parental rights. We also didn't know that she (and maybe the other siblings) had been in two foster homes before they were placed with the cousins. Following the shelter where the five of them were last together until November, she has been in three more placements while the twins have been with us. We don't know a lot of the details regarding why she was moved so many times, but from talking to the caseworker it seems more like unfortunate cases of unprepared foster parents than an overly problematic preteen.

It is needless to say that these comments tore us apart. We both let her know in no uncertain terms that being in foster care is not her fault. We told her that mistakes happen and that none of us are perfect, but that nothing she did is the reason why they were all removed from the home/s. I remember saying, "It stinks when it's the adults in your life who are making mistakes and the children have to suffer for it. But that doesn't make it your fault. There's nothing you could have done." Someone has had to have told her this before, but she was acting like it was all new to her. She kept tearing up, and at one point she said, "I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time."

She was a complete sweetheart during our time together, albeit reserved and a little quiet most of the time. She is just amazing with the twins and the younger kids - so patient, creative, and loving. She was just soaking up every moment with them, and you could tell how much she missed them. I understand that a young person, especially one who's been hurt and rejected, can put on a front and "act" the "right way" to give a certain impression. However, this is the side we've always seen of her. We know there's got to be parts that are rough around edges, but she just is in dire need of authentic love and attention from someone. I can sympathize with how rough it would be to parent a young person with such baggage, but I just shake my head and fist, wishing any of the placements had stuck it out and shown her some patience and endurance, that people out there can be loving, that she isn't worthless, and she is special.

Our talk lasted almost two hours, and we hope we did some good. We just prayed later that God was working through our words to give some sort of healing or balm to her scarred little soul. She

I will finish with more observations about the weekend tomorrow - this is getting long and I'm getting sleepy! Good night for now...

High Five for Friday!

Well, folks, it's the end of another week!

1. A friend had recently finished the book The Giver by Lois Lowry. Just briefly chatting with him about the book made me want to re-read it. Which I did. Same day. I remember this as one of my favorite books when I was younger. I can't believe I missed hearing the news, but a movie is being made based on the book and it is coming out in August!

2. We don't have cable anymore, so when we use the TV, we watch shows through Netflix or Redbox. We are currently trying a one-month membership to Amazon Prime to see if that would be better than Netflix. This week, we are loving Pandora music streaming through the Roku box at our house. I turn on a Toddler or Disney station and the kids just light up. The twins especially love music and singing - they're even rubbing off on Little Guy, who's been singing everywhere in the car lately, too! I've got to say, there are a lot of versions of "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider" out there!

3. We had absolutely beautiful weather this week in Texas. I know it will only be a short time until the temperatures are climbing into the 90's and 100's, so I will treasure this Spring time for as long as I can!

4. We're tentatively making plans for the twins' Big Sister to come visit for a weekend, so she can have some time away and have some time with her two siblings. It's looking like the weekend following Easter will be the time. We'll pray for it to be a good experience for everyone, and for those who meet and interact with her here to make it pleasant and fun.

5. Last night, the Man of the House picked this up for me on his way home:

I cannot say enough about how much this guy pitches in around the house. I might get the dishes done and the dishwasher loaded during the day, but when he leaves in the morning for school, the dishwasher is empty, all of the clean dishes unloaded, ready to begin the process all over! (It's a great system we have worked out!) He ALWAYS lets me run to the restroom as soon as he comes home - priorities, right? He has no problem throwing a load of laundry in the wash either. He's terrific at getting the kids their baths and LOVES reading them stories. Such a patient, sweet man. What a blessing to see him be so involved and active in the kids' lives. God bless your day, honey!

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!

The Latest - Visitation, Nephews, and the "Uh-Oh Song"

So several things have happened over the last few days.

1) We had the first long (6-hour) unsupervised Saturday visit for the twins. Everything seems to have gone just fine, as far as we know. The logistics were a bit tricky for us as a family - we had to bring sandwiches for lunch, drive around while getting the older two to nap, make a zoo trip last longer than we usually do, and snag a pizza for the kids to eat for supper since it was almost 7 by the time we got home. The twins were very excited to be able to see their two youngest siblings, though, and couldn't stop talking about them. We're thankful they got that opportunity.

2) While we were driving around during this time, my phone rang, and it was the twins' Big Sister. We only talked for a few minutes, which was all the time she had available. She said, at the group home she's currently in, they get rewards for good behavior, and one of those rewards is making a phone call home on Saturday. My heart broke when she said called us because we were the only people she could think of to call, as she doesn't have a "home" now. She didn't know about the visit happening that day, so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. We just chatted about the art center she's been making good use of, and her classes, and the girls she's met there. I hope we can meet up with her soon, as it's been almost two months since the twins saw her.

3) I got a phone call from the twins' caseworker today. She said she was just clarifying that we did not need to drive the girls to the scheduled (supervised) visitation tomorrow. I hadn't realized this. She explained that since they were granted the long visits on Saturdays, the court and the department did away with the other visits, which were every other week, mostly on Tuesdays. After she hung up, I realized I don't know how I feel about the only visitations happening now being unsupervised. Between now and the trial in June, it seems strange to have no contact that someone is supervising, whether it be a caseworker. therapist, lawyer, or whomever.

4) My little nephew was born on Friday, and. I. Love. Him. So. Much. Already. He came right on his due date, the talented, punctual youngster. I can't keep myself from looking at the adorable pictures they have sent thus far. I'm so happy for my sister-in-law and her husband, and I can't wait to meet The Newest Addition at Easter! (And it makes me miss my other two nephews, my sister's boys in Nebraska, a TON. Hugs to you guys!)

5) I have been feeling... off... the past couple of weeks. Just tired, more stressed and tightly-wound than usual. I decided that I was not being as patient and loving as I should be (read: being the snappy Mom nobody likes to be). I decided to brush up on my "Love and Logic" skills as a stress-reducer all around. "Love and Logic' is a parenting/teaching/child-raising program developed to equally encompass two strategies in disciplining your child: empathy and consequences. I could take a while to explain it more fully, and why I think it helps me, but suffice it to say that you strive to remain as calm as possible, showing sorrow for misconduct, while sticking to your guns with the consequences. We've used it as a school, and I really agree with the premise as a parent in dealing with my own kids. I'm not perfect at it, but I feel most effective when using these techniques or at least some similar. I was going over the Early Childhood materials - books, mp3 recordings - because toddlers definitely give you something to hyperventilate about, and I wanted some good refreshers. So, one tip for toddler parents that I just had to share: I got a kick out of remembering "The Uh-Oh Song". In my own words, this is how one uses the "Uh-Oh Song": when a misbehavior happens, one says, "Uh-Oh!" in a cheerful, sing-song voice, before stating the consequence. "Uh-Oh! I think you need some bedroom time." "Uh-Oh! I think you need some time in the quiet spot." "Uh-Oh! I think this toy needs to go on top of the fridge if we're going to fight over it." The idea is that it's difficult as a parent to stay stressed when you're singing "Uh-Oh" and it helps build the empathy and make the behavior the villain instead of the scolding parent. For the child, the phrase "Uh-Oh!" begins to be a trigger that gently leads them to think about their actions - maybe even preemptively. I began really using the "Uh-Oh Song" last week - literally, if there was a crown, I was the "Uh-Oh" champ! A funny thing happened today. Several times, I began to say "Uh-Oh!" when I saw one of the littles doing something they knew they shouldn't - and all of them would freeze. It was pretty hilarious, and yet amazing to watch how quickly it worked on them. It was a great day with calm all around. I was happy to have a little success so visibly, with something so easy. (Check out the "Love and Logic" website if you want to read about the theories in their words, which are probably clearer than mine rambling around in a brief blog post:  http://www.loveandlogic.com/)

Well, signing off for now. God's blessings to you and yours!

To My Sister-in-Law; On the Birth of Your Baby

Dear Kimby,

You're becoming a mom! Ahhh! It's about to get real! Nine months go really quickly, don't they?!

I'm very thankful for the way you have welcomed me into the family and made me feel like a sister, and not just an "extra". We love you and the hubby so much. And we can't wait to love on the new addition. I am incredibly excited to be an aunt again. We are so proud of how y'all are tackling this newest phase of life.

There are many things I wish I could go back and tell myself before I became a parent. Whether by physical birth or by adoption, your life forever changes on that day. I'm not saying I have it all down - incredibly far from it. This is a small list from the vast, amazing, (*cough, *cough) wisdom I wish I could share with myself, what what I want to say to you:

• You will never feel completely "ready". If you're not a tiny bit anxious, you're probably not human!

• There is no manual to tell you exactly what to expect or what to do - now or in the future.

• BUT there will be no shortage of people trying to tell you what to do. Parenting advice even from strangers will be something you'll get used to. Which diapers, what feeding schedule, what parenting strategy. Take everything with a grain of salt, listen to it and use what wisdom you can (there will probably always be at least some). But you alone make the decisions. Don't ignore advice, but don't feel obligated to follow it.

• You may have some definite "As a parent, I will NEVER..." comments roaming around your head. Be prepared to laugh at your former self and your expectations of what you THOUGHT parenthood would mean. (You will be far less likely to judge other parents again after living through raising a child and all that entails.)

• To say that parenthood is simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding task of your life is absolutely not cliche. You'll understand very soon.

• You might feel either completely overwhelmed or completely numb when meeting your child for the first time. Either is okay. It will be a special day, so bask in it, soak it all in, and enjoy it.

• Time truly will just fly by. Take lots of pictures to remember every moment. But, most importantly, live a life worth memorializing, so that every day, commemorated or not, is a beautiful memory to cherish.

• Memories are exponentially more important than things - and last longer. If you ever have to make the decision between buying a present or paying for a vacation or memory, take the memory.

• You will never take free time for granted again. 

• You will never take going to the bathroom in peace for granted again.

• Sleep deprivation and the (albeit good) stress of having a new addition can really do work on you. It's no joke. Remember that it's temporary. Hang in there. Hang in there. If you can make it through this, you can make it through almost anything.

• When you have a rough day, always remember: "This too shall pass."

• Try not to Google things too often. You'll only scare yourself. If you have a question, ask your pediatrician or someone knowledgeable whose advice you trust.

• The greatest gift you can give your child is their faith in God. Keep yourselves surrounded with those who will build up your faith together as a family. Intentionally feed your relationship with Christ. And always remember - we will keep the little guy in our prayers every day, count on that.

• Your child is an incredibly precious gift from God. Remember how blessed you are, and what a blessing and awesome responsibility it is to raise a child.

• You're beautiful, no matter what you may think the scale or mirror says. Parenthood changes you physically; you're a dang tiger who's earned your stripes. You gave birth to a human being. That's amazing.

• Find the courage and flexibility to both give your complete heart to your family and to keep your individuality. And when you figure that out, let us all know how.

• You might feel like you're under a microscope. You might feel like people are constantly watching, evaluating your skills as a parent - especially as a new mother. Most people aren't judging, just reflecting on what it was like to be in that stage with their kids. They understand and sympathize, and look back with fondness on that stage of life. You bring all of those memories back to them - maybe with even a bit of wistfulness.

• Don't be afraid to ask for help, or take it when it's offered. Whether it's babysitting, laundry help, a meal, what have you. People love you and want to ease the load for you. Some day, you can pay it forward and help out another new parent.

• Don't be a helicopter; don't be a drill sergeant. You'll find the balance.

• Teamwork, planning, and preparation together as parents make a huge difference. We've had many cycles of "with-it-ness" and "not-so-with-it-ness". Lean on each other. Figure out who has what strengths and play to those strengths.

• It's been said elsewhere, and in so many words, but it's so true: The best thing you can do for your children as a mom is to love their dad. So find time for you two together for date nights, evening reflections, sharing the day's experiences, keeping up with each others' hopes and dreams. Strive to put your marriage first - you were a wife before you were a mother.

Love you, and can't wait to meet the little guy!

God bless you, today and always!
Aunt Angela

Getting Logistics of Weekend Visitations

So the judge has ordered extended, unsupervised visitation for the twins and their two young siblings. The Big Sister still is not included in the case, as she will not be returning to the cousins' home.

For right now, the schedule is this: 1st, 3rd, and 5th Saturdays, from 12:00 noon until 6:00 p.m. We are to take the twins to the CPS office in South San Antonio a couple of minutes before, to help with transferring and bathroom breaks and all. The family waiting is supposed to be there fifteen minutes early, stationed in a waiting room inside, then wait ten or fifteen minutes after we leave before they exit the building. The same logistics are supposed to be followed at pick-up at the end of the visit as well.

The caseworker asked if transporting would be a problem. I thought about it for a second, and then explained that it wasn't necessarily a problem, but that committing to all that driving was a big endeavor for us, using a lot of gas, and if transportation was being offered, we would appreciate it.

The human side of me wanted to whine that this is not a normal plan, that our other cases have never had this many visits, and never any unsupervised visits this far away from the final court date. And the problem isn't so much the quantity of the visits as the length of these new extended visits - six hours isn't a lot of time, but getting to the office is almost an hour's drive one-way, which means we have to figure out something to do in the meantime between drop-off and pick-up, or else we're spending almost four hours in the car driving every other Saturday. Plus, the timing is over nap time, so either our other two kids don't get a nap, or we try to get them to sleep in the car, which could happen in theory, but is hit or miss in practice.

So, whine, whine, whine... But this isn't about my personal ease and comfort, and we're supportive of caring for these kids - in all aspects. We're here to do what we gotta do.

The caseworker did offer an idea - if we can drive them to the visits on the first weekend, they can find someone for the third weekend, and we'll play it by ear for the fifth weekend. That is just fine; as I said, we have no problem getting the kids there, it's just a little daunting to be committed to doing it every other weekend.

Anyway, so there it is. We have the first of these lengthy visits this weekend, so we'd appreciate any prayers for a smooth transition during and after. Thanks, everyone!