This morning was the day for which we had been waiting for a long time. January 29th was supposed to be the day that the twins' permanent placement was decided. On that day, the presiding judge turned the case over to District Court, and we were told that a trial would happen sometime at the end of March or early April. When the official date came, it was June 9th. June 9th would finally be the day when we learned if the twins would be staying with us forever or returning to their family.
I have to preface today's adventure by noting that our caseworker has been very ill, and is actually on medical leave, we found out last week. This explains why we hadn't heard much about the trial happening this week, and even as of this weekend, weren't sure precisely of the time or exact courtroom for Monday morning, even though we had left several messages with the department and the twins' lawyer over the last few weeks.
We arrived at the courthouse a little after nine today. We had not been prepped as to which courtroom or which floor - and the San Antonio courthouse is a huge place (with forty-four courtrooms, as I learned today). We had been calling all morning to find someone who knew where we were supposed to be.
When I finally got a phone call back from the lawyer at a little after ten, she was confused as to why I was at court. "Why are you there today when it's been rescheduled for Thursday?"
Ahhhhhhhhh............
Apparently, at last week's mediation hearing to prep all of the lawyers and caseworkers for the trial, the District Court representatives made the announcement that they will not be handling the case - it's not what they do, not enough basis for a District appearance, etc. So, we were put back into the former CPS court judge's docket, and rescheduled for Thursday. Only, nobody told us this - the rescheduling or the reason.
It's easy for things to fall through the cracks, I'm sure. Our caseworker is out indeterminately, so she may not have even been personally present at the meeting last week where the change was made. The lawyer probably thought it was the department's job to communicate details with us about the court appearances. The lawyer was very apologetic, which was nice to hear. These things happen. Still, it was incredibly frustrating to have rearranged work schedules, found childcare for the kids, and then drive an hour one way to hear that you didn't have to come.
Additionally, this means that the twins' case is being given back to the judge who has made it abundantly clear that he thinks there wasn't enough evidence to remove the children in the first place. This is the judge who ordered the six-hour-long unsupervised weekend visits. This doesn't leave us with too much wondering about what decision he is likely to make.
We talked with several people at CPS to try to figure out where to go from here. Long story short, we're just praying that the twins and their siblings have fair representation on Thursday. We hope somebody will step up, learn about the case, and be able to accurately represent the children. To think that there will be somebody at the front of the courtroom on Thursday who knows nothing about the history, or, even worse, nobody at all to speak for them and us, is a horrible thought.
But, these things are not under our control - and for a reason. The Man of the House and I told each other all day that it's always been in God's hands - we know that and we trust in that. As a wonderful close friend says, "God is who He says He is." We know that He knows all about this situation and that it won't change His presence in our lives and in the lives of these children.
The delaying of the final decision is obviously wearing. We are ready just to know the outcome and be ready to start the next chapter of our lives, however it looks.
We are unsure if we will be making the journey back to court on Thursday. We had already made arrangements for today, as I said before. We are not expected to speak; we were only wanting to go to hear the final decision for ourselves.
We would ask for prayers for calm and understanding, for patience, for perspective. You all are so great and lift us up, always just when we need it. Thanks for following along on this journey with us, through the good and the bad, the mundane and the frustrating, through all of the struggles and the blessings. We are blessed to have you as friends and family. Hugs going out to you all!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Big Sister Joins Us Friday!
We've been sitting on some news for about a week, letting it all soak in.
The twins' Big Sister is moving in to our house on Friday afternoon!
Here's the thing: we were so impressed with her on the night we first met her, back in December, that we talked about her the entire way home. She was so good with the kids, so polite, so shy, and yet you could see there were definitely scars there that would need to be healed. The family she was with said that they were just foster parents and they didn't know where she would end up permanently; they even commented - "She just wants to be with her siblings so badly. Would you have room to take her to make that happen?" Of course this was the other foster parents, not a caseworker,so it wasn't anything close to an official request, but, man, it was painful to think of her being all by herself, when at least the other four were in pairs. I remember on the way home that night discussing with the Man of the House, could we take her, and we said we wouldn't go make anything happen and we wouldn't ask the caseworker about it, but if it came to US being approached by the caseworker to take her in, that would mean we needed to seriously consider it.
We were actually asked to consider taking her in before her first weekend visit with us. Our caseworker - not hers - came to the house unannounced about 8:00 in the morning. She came to discuss the possibility with me, just an initial "throwing it out there".
This was the same week that we had been asked about the other two siblings. That prospect scared me. That stressed me out, even thinking about it. Six kids, five of them three and under, at home all day long. We didn't feel equal to the task. However, when asked about Big Sister, it felt different. She's old enough to be more self-sufficient and could actually help instead of being another little one to watch over.
So, we agreed to consider taking in Big Sister.
Then the weekend we had her, everything went very well. She played with Miss A and Little Guy just as much and as well as she did with the twins. When she was leaving, however, she told us that the caseworker had just had a conversation with her, at our house that afternoon, that she (Big Sister) was probably heading to her aunt's home soon. We hadn't heard anything about this, and still thought we were the main (only?) consideration for Big Sister's future home, but we were happy for her that there was someone in the family who could potentially care for her, which would give her the opportunity to at least have some contact with her siblings in the future.
This was about the time when I wrote the post saying that my husband and I were contented with the entire situation, and everyone's future, and were considering it the best situation for her to go to the family.
However, when I brought this up with the caseworker, she said that there wasn't even a homestudy started yet for the aunt, and that Big Sister had been stating that she didn't want to go there, and that she wanted to be with us. Big Sister had told the caseworker that she understood that the twins could go back to the family, and she said it made no difference - she wanted to be adopted by us. And the word she kept using, according to the caseworker, was "humbled". She was so "humbled" that we would want to have her spend weekends with us, that we would allow her into our home.
To hear all of that was pretty heart-wrenching, obviously. But we dithered and dallied for a while.
I am not by nature an indecisive person. I make decisions - even big ones - fairly easily without many regrets. I trust my instincts plus the logical processes of my brain, choose a course, and, once decided upon, I don't look back. College, major, dating my now-husband, accepting my first job, choosing to stay at home for a time with the kids... The decisions were reached pretty quickly, pretty easily, and not without a lot of stressing once I had decided. I don't mean to say that I'm impulsive - I think cutting to the heart of the matter, weighing gut instincts along with hard facts, is a gift I've been blessed with. I trust that God is guiding my decisions, and, with prayer beforehand, I trust that His plan is the best and that He has led me/us to the right decision.
But that was not how this decision went.
The Man of the House and I have been on an absolute rollercoaster together making this decision. The awesome thing was to see how in synch we were in our thinking. One day, he came to me saying, "It's funny, but I feel like God's been throwing the story of Jonah to me today. It's like He's saying, 'I've put this immense task before you, and I need you to follow me,' and that if we say no to the Big Sister, it's like Jonah running away from Nineveh." What's crazy is that I had been contemplating the Biblical account of Jonah the same day too, and was thinking almost the exact same thoughts! And then a few days later, he came to me and said, "I've been thinking, and I really feel that we need to say no, that someone else would be a better fit and do a better job," which was what I had been feeling that day as well. And so our conversations and deliberation went, back and forth, back and forth, but always on the same page.
Our worries had really nothing to do with Big Sister. We are under no illusions that taking in a thirteen-year-old will be easy. Yet, caring for hurting children is why we're here, why we have continued to follow this path for almost six years. We had a dream of SOMEDAY adopting or at least fostering teenagers, when "our" kids were older... Hmmm... What funny plans we make, right?!
The biggest worry was our own fallibility. We are thirty-one and thirty-two-years-old. We have a six-year-old. We've never raised a teenager. Who are we to think we're capable of this already? With my background as a youth ministry leader and middle school teacher, I've had experience with teenagers. And that is very different than raising one, I understand.
Honestly, a worry that was just as big was the reaction of everyone around us. From our families to friends and even acquaintances, was everyone going to tell us we were absolutely crazy... and/or ill-equipped and unprepared? What was everyone going to think?
Which of course is a ridiculous factor to use in making a decision. But, to be transparent, it was one of the biggest worries on my mind.
Actually, not just a worry. It's made me pretty terrified to consider what some people might be thinking about this choice. I've definitely lost sleep imagining some of the comments people will undoubtedly make - most without meaning to harm or hurt, I'm sure.
After the second visit, my husband and I talked extensively about the whole situation. We both felt that everything was so "right" and comfortable, that having her in our home felt incredibly natural, like she was meant to be there. And she was so much more relaxed, making jokes and making herself at home. Since before the first visit, she had been calling two or three times a week, so we had talked with her a lot and gotten to know her even better.
So, when the caseworker said that her time was running out at the emergency shelter in which she's staying, and that they needed to find a home for her soon, we said yes.
And the funny thing is, the panic stayed away.
And as the days keep going by until her arrival, we've all just been feeling happier and more excited. We're so ready to get her out of that shelter and into the home of a real family (as flawed as this one is!).
We had a family meeting to discuss it before we gave an answer. Obviously, Miss A is really the only one who can understand it with any "adult" perspective and give a real answer. She was excited and really excited to share her room. She loves the big girls at school, and is thrilled to have a big sister around all the time.
We have her room all ready. Some very sweet friends gave us a loft bed with a desk underneath it. It fits great in Miss A's room. We got some closet and desk organization items. We wanted it to look homey when she arrives, so she knows how excited we are and how much we planned for and anticipated her coming.
Because this girl has been through the wringer due to the failings of many adults in her life. She deserves stability and love, and place to call "home", and patience to smooth out and heal her scarred edges.
It's not going to be easy. Please hear me say that, and that we're not entering into this without lots of forethought, lots of conversations with caseworkers. There will be many aspects of positive guidance to put into place with the help of her new school, the caseworkers, ongoing therapy, etc. We'll seek your prayers and encouragement even more now. But we are excited and looking forward to this next chapter in our stories.
At this time, she does not have another option going forward. Our family is to be looked at as an adoptive placement for the time being. The sticky thing is that the trial begins next week, and precious time with her biological siblings could be drawing to an end. There is not a plan for reunification between her and the family, on the request of both parties. So, the twins and their two other siblings are one case, having their future placement determined next week, separate from Big Sister. She says she understands that it's looking like they are heading back, and that, if she is adopted by us, she more than likely will not have contact with them after they leave. We are willing to adopt her and give her a permanent, forever family, but if she changes her mind and wants to look into another family, however distantly related, we will support it, and we will be for her what we need to be, for the time that we need to be it. We're leaving that final call up to her, but our stance is that we would love to adopt her and not have her have to go through another placement with a family she doesn't know. But, at this time, wheels will begin to move towards us adopting Big Sister.
Please keep her in your thoughts, as any transition can add stress of some level. We pray that she is able to feel safe and trusting here, and to feel completely comfortable in our home, enough to let her guard down all the way and just be loved for who she is. We also ask for prayers for the other little ones, as they transition into having one more added to the mix here in our crazy house. May everyone be positive, patient, loving, and forgiving. We thank God for this opportunity to be His hands and feet and help our kids see the need to reach out and help - no matter how scary it is. We just ask that we not mess it up too much, that Good would be done here.
Thank you for your encouragement! You all mean so much to us! Hugs!
The twins' Big Sister is moving in to our house on Friday afternoon!
Here's the thing: we were so impressed with her on the night we first met her, back in December, that we talked about her the entire way home. She was so good with the kids, so polite, so shy, and yet you could see there were definitely scars there that would need to be healed. The family she was with said that they were just foster parents and they didn't know where she would end up permanently; they even commented - "She just wants to be with her siblings so badly. Would you have room to take her to make that happen?" Of course this was the other foster parents, not a caseworker,so it wasn't anything close to an official request, but, man, it was painful to think of her being all by herself, when at least the other four were in pairs. I remember on the way home that night discussing with the Man of the House, could we take her, and we said we wouldn't go make anything happen and we wouldn't ask the caseworker about it, but if it came to US being approached by the caseworker to take her in, that would mean we needed to seriously consider it.
We were actually asked to consider taking her in before her first weekend visit with us. Our caseworker - not hers - came to the house unannounced about 8:00 in the morning. She came to discuss the possibility with me, just an initial "throwing it out there".
This was the same week that we had been asked about the other two siblings. That prospect scared me. That stressed me out, even thinking about it. Six kids, five of them three and under, at home all day long. We didn't feel equal to the task. However, when asked about Big Sister, it felt different. She's old enough to be more self-sufficient and could actually help instead of being another little one to watch over.
So, we agreed to consider taking in Big Sister.
Then the weekend we had her, everything went very well. She played with Miss A and Little Guy just as much and as well as she did with the twins. When she was leaving, however, she told us that the caseworker had just had a conversation with her, at our house that afternoon, that she (Big Sister) was probably heading to her aunt's home soon. We hadn't heard anything about this, and still thought we were the main (only?) consideration for Big Sister's future home, but we were happy for her that there was someone in the family who could potentially care for her, which would give her the opportunity to at least have some contact with her siblings in the future.
This was about the time when I wrote the post saying that my husband and I were contented with the entire situation, and everyone's future, and were considering it the best situation for her to go to the family.
However, when I brought this up with the caseworker, she said that there wasn't even a homestudy started yet for the aunt, and that Big Sister had been stating that she didn't want to go there, and that she wanted to be with us. Big Sister had told the caseworker that she understood that the twins could go back to the family, and she said it made no difference - she wanted to be adopted by us. And the word she kept using, according to the caseworker, was "humbled". She was so "humbled" that we would want to have her spend weekends with us, that we would allow her into our home.
To hear all of that was pretty heart-wrenching, obviously. But we dithered and dallied for a while.
I am not by nature an indecisive person. I make decisions - even big ones - fairly easily without many regrets. I trust my instincts plus the logical processes of my brain, choose a course, and, once decided upon, I don't look back. College, major, dating my now-husband, accepting my first job, choosing to stay at home for a time with the kids... The decisions were reached pretty quickly, pretty easily, and not without a lot of stressing once I had decided. I don't mean to say that I'm impulsive - I think cutting to the heart of the matter, weighing gut instincts along with hard facts, is a gift I've been blessed with. I trust that God is guiding my decisions, and, with prayer beforehand, I trust that His plan is the best and that He has led me/us to the right decision.
But that was not how this decision went.
The Man of the House and I have been on an absolute rollercoaster together making this decision. The awesome thing was to see how in synch we were in our thinking. One day, he came to me saying, "It's funny, but I feel like God's been throwing the story of Jonah to me today. It's like He's saying, 'I've put this immense task before you, and I need you to follow me,' and that if we say no to the Big Sister, it's like Jonah running away from Nineveh." What's crazy is that I had been contemplating the Biblical account of Jonah the same day too, and was thinking almost the exact same thoughts! And then a few days later, he came to me and said, "I've been thinking, and I really feel that we need to say no, that someone else would be a better fit and do a better job," which was what I had been feeling that day as well. And so our conversations and deliberation went, back and forth, back and forth, but always on the same page.
Our worries had really nothing to do with Big Sister. We are under no illusions that taking in a thirteen-year-old will be easy. Yet, caring for hurting children is why we're here, why we have continued to follow this path for almost six years. We had a dream of SOMEDAY adopting or at least fostering teenagers, when "our" kids were older... Hmmm... What funny plans we make, right?!
The biggest worry was our own fallibility. We are thirty-one and thirty-two-years-old. We have a six-year-old. We've never raised a teenager. Who are we to think we're capable of this already? With my background as a youth ministry leader and middle school teacher, I've had experience with teenagers. And that is very different than raising one, I understand.
Honestly, a worry that was just as big was the reaction of everyone around us. From our families to friends and even acquaintances, was everyone going to tell us we were absolutely crazy... and/or ill-equipped and unprepared? What was everyone going to think?
Which of course is a ridiculous factor to use in making a decision. But, to be transparent, it was one of the biggest worries on my mind.
Actually, not just a worry. It's made me pretty terrified to consider what some people might be thinking about this choice. I've definitely lost sleep imagining some of the comments people will undoubtedly make - most without meaning to harm or hurt, I'm sure.
After the second visit, my husband and I talked extensively about the whole situation. We both felt that everything was so "right" and comfortable, that having her in our home felt incredibly natural, like she was meant to be there. And she was so much more relaxed, making jokes and making herself at home. Since before the first visit, she had been calling two or three times a week, so we had talked with her a lot and gotten to know her even better.
So, when the caseworker said that her time was running out at the emergency shelter in which she's staying, and that they needed to find a home for her soon, we said yes.
And the funny thing is, the panic stayed away.
And as the days keep going by until her arrival, we've all just been feeling happier and more excited. We're so ready to get her out of that shelter and into the home of a real family (as flawed as this one is!).
We had a family meeting to discuss it before we gave an answer. Obviously, Miss A is really the only one who can understand it with any "adult" perspective and give a real answer. She was excited and really excited to share her room. She loves the big girls at school, and is thrilled to have a big sister around all the time.
We have her room all ready. Some very sweet friends gave us a loft bed with a desk underneath it. It fits great in Miss A's room. We got some closet and desk organization items. We wanted it to look homey when she arrives, so she knows how excited we are and how much we planned for and anticipated her coming.
Because this girl has been through the wringer due to the failings of many adults in her life. She deserves stability and love, and place to call "home", and patience to smooth out and heal her scarred edges.
It's not going to be easy. Please hear me say that, and that we're not entering into this without lots of forethought, lots of conversations with caseworkers. There will be many aspects of positive guidance to put into place with the help of her new school, the caseworkers, ongoing therapy, etc. We'll seek your prayers and encouragement even more now. But we are excited and looking forward to this next chapter in our stories.
At this time, she does not have another option going forward. Our family is to be looked at as an adoptive placement for the time being. The sticky thing is that the trial begins next week, and precious time with her biological siblings could be drawing to an end. There is not a plan for reunification between her and the family, on the request of both parties. So, the twins and their two other siblings are one case, having their future placement determined next week, separate from Big Sister. She says she understands that it's looking like they are heading back, and that, if she is adopted by us, she more than likely will not have contact with them after they leave. We are willing to adopt her and give her a permanent, forever family, but if she changes her mind and wants to look into another family, however distantly related, we will support it, and we will be for her what we need to be, for the time that we need to be it. We're leaving that final call up to her, but our stance is that we would love to adopt her and not have her have to go through another placement with a family she doesn't know. But, at this time, wheels will begin to move towards us adopting Big Sister.
Please keep her in your thoughts, as any transition can add stress of some level. We pray that she is able to feel safe and trusting here, and to feel completely comfortable in our home, enough to let her guard down all the way and just be loved for who she is. We also ask for prayers for the other little ones, as they transition into having one more added to the mix here in our crazy house. May everyone be positive, patient, loving, and forgiving. We thank God for this opportunity to be His hands and feet and help our kids see the need to reach out and help - no matter how scary it is. We just ask that we not mess it up too much, that Good would be done here.
Thank you for your encouragement! You all mean so much to us! Hugs!
Friday, May 23, 2014
A Home for the Twins' Siblings!
I had written a while back that I may have good news to share about the twins' siblings and their placement, but I couldn't at the time because it wasn't final. I have shared before that they have been in a shelter for about two months now, after their foster family asked for their removal.
Well, the 3-year-old sister and 1-year-old brother went to a new family this week! AND they're in the same town as us! AND we know them!
It's a long-ish story. We met the couple at a foster parent training and knew mutual friends. We have met for dinner and play dates a few times over the last year. They are such a sweet, loving, faith-filled family with three biological children already.
Right around the time when we found out that the two siblings were sent to the children's shelter, and we were unable to take them in, I ran into the woman at the library. She was very excited to tell me that they were finally, finally officially approved to take in foster children. All they needed to do was wait for an opportunity to come their way. I was beyond excited to hear this, literally the DAY after we had to say no to taking in the two siblings. I called our caseworkers and lawyers to tell them about this family.
Time passed on, and I believe that the placement didn't happen at first because this family is a foster family, and they are really wanting a foster-adopt family. The caseworkers and lawyer are attempting to show that they are working towards permanence and security. I understood that, but I was disheartened, because it seemed like such a good situation - awesome family, we already knew each other so we would be comfortable meeting up, close proximity to us for visits and play time, etc.
Well, the mom let me know that the siblings are moving in this week with them! We're so very excited for both the foster family and the two beautiful children they are taking in. God always has a plan, and we are so happy to see this chapter play itself out!
We're already making plans to get together this weekend so the four siblings can see each other.
God answers prayers!
Well, the 3-year-old sister and 1-year-old brother went to a new family this week! AND they're in the same town as us! AND we know them!
It's a long-ish story. We met the couple at a foster parent training and knew mutual friends. We have met for dinner and play dates a few times over the last year. They are such a sweet, loving, faith-filled family with three biological children already.
Right around the time when we found out that the two siblings were sent to the children's shelter, and we were unable to take them in, I ran into the woman at the library. She was very excited to tell me that they were finally, finally officially approved to take in foster children. All they needed to do was wait for an opportunity to come their way. I was beyond excited to hear this, literally the DAY after we had to say no to taking in the two siblings. I called our caseworkers and lawyers to tell them about this family.
Time passed on, and I believe that the placement didn't happen at first because this family is a foster family, and they are really wanting a foster-adopt family. The caseworkers and lawyer are attempting to show that they are working towards permanence and security. I understood that, but I was disheartened, because it seemed like such a good situation - awesome family, we already knew each other so we would be comfortable meeting up, close proximity to us for visits and play time, etc.
Well, the mom let me know that the siblings are moving in this week with them! We're so very excited for both the foster family and the two beautiful children they are taking in. God always has a plan, and we are so happy to see this chapter play itself out!
We're already making plans to get together this weekend so the four siblings can see each other.
God answers prayers!
Monday, May 19, 2014
In Which We Experience Whiplash
So...
I wrote an update yesterday. We had had some news yesterday about the case, that maybe the twins would be leaving early due to an "emergency hearing" that got scheduled for this Wednesday by the biological family members.
The twins's caseworker called this afternoon. Apparently, there was a meeting today between the lawyers and caseworkers on the twins' case. They convinced the family and their lawyer to drop the hearing they scheduled for this week, that there are only three weeks left until the trial, that moving the kids with the potential of moving them again would not be in their best interest.
So, whiplash. Back and forth, back and forth. I am very thankful that the twins aren't old enough to be able to follow all of these happenings.
We're glad that someone realized this wasn't a good idea. AND, at the same time, honestly, we had over the last twenty-four hours geared ourselves up and prepared to hear that the twins were leaving this week. Though we're happy they aren't definitely leaving yet, at least that hearing would have been some sort of decision, and not dragging this out any further.
Anyways, just another day. We learned to go with the flow a long time ago! My favorite tongue-in-cheek proverb is: "Blessed are the flexible, for they will never be bent out of shape."
Thanks for letting me give a quick update! For now, good night, sleep tight, friends!
I wrote an update yesterday. We had had some news yesterday about the case, that maybe the twins would be leaving early due to an "emergency hearing" that got scheduled for this Wednesday by the biological family members.
The twins's caseworker called this afternoon. Apparently, there was a meeting today between the lawyers and caseworkers on the twins' case. They convinced the family and their lawyer to drop the hearing they scheduled for this week, that there are only three weeks left until the trial, that moving the kids with the potential of moving them again would not be in their best interest.
So, whiplash. Back and forth, back and forth. I am very thankful that the twins aren't old enough to be able to follow all of these happenings.
We're glad that someone realized this wasn't a good idea. AND, at the same time, honestly, we had over the last twenty-four hours geared ourselves up and prepared to hear that the twins were leaving this week. Though we're happy they aren't definitely leaving yet, at least that hearing would have been some sort of decision, and not dragging this out any further.
Anyways, just another day. We learned to go with the flow a long time ago! My favorite tongue-in-cheek proverb is: "Blessed are the flexible, for they will never be bent out of shape."
Thanks for letting me give a quick update! For now, good night, sleep tight, friends!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Update on Court Case
We had a very nice weekend again spending time with the twins' Big Sister. Quick recap: I was putting in some time working, so The Man of the House picked her up on Friday. We did presents before heading to bed that night. A great adventure hiking around a trail near the park happened Saturday, along with pizza (Digiorno) and movie night (Frozen - again). We had church in the morning, but our family had nursery duty, so we did that, then headed to Sunday School and back home.
Today was the day when the kids' caseworker brought the other two siblings over so we could all celebrate Big Sister's birthday. It was great to see her so happy - she grinned from ear to ear all day, just sparkling.
I followed the caseworker into the twins bedroom purposefully to find a quiet time to ask for any updates in the twins' cases. I have in the last week left two messages with the girls' lawyer, but haven't heard anything back. The trial begins in three weeks, and we don't know much yet.
The caseworker let me know that the family has filed for a hearing this week, petitioning the immediate reunification of the two siblings who are currently in the shelter. Reasons: 1) the state still hasn't found a foster home for them, and they have been there more than two months, and 2) they are claiming that the shelter isn't providing adequate care. (I'd have to not argue with this; the toddler has extremely painful looking eczema, and both of them have become incredibly withdrawn and quiet.) Because this is the same judge who has been saying the kids should never have been removed in the first place, and has granted the extended unsupervised weekend visits, it would be logical that he'll probably agree to this.
If that happens, says the caseworker, they are prepared to also petition for the twins to immediately be placed back in their care, the reasoning being that if they have the two siblings, the entire family should be reinstated and reunited. The actuality if this happening is a bit more uncertain, but the caseworker wanted to prepare us in advance that this may be occurring this week.
I expressed my amazement at how this could logically happen. I asked did this mean that the trial was null and void and a formality? She said, actually, no, the trial is for the permanent placement of the four siblings (Big Sister not included) and the new judge could still deny their request to adopt them. I asked what would happen if the four kids were placed back next week, but denied the adoption by the cousins, and she said that CPS would immediately call for their removal, and the twins, at least, would be placed back here with us, and begin looking at that as a permanent placement.
So, we could be hearing that the twins are leaving us as early as the middle of this week. AND we could still hear next month that they are coming back.
The past seven months have been such a roller coaster that I don't know if we have the ability to be shocked anymore by anything. Tonight, discussing all of this, all my husband and I can do is shake our heads at each other and ask, "Why am I not surprised?"
We have pretty much made our peace with the twins' time at our home coming to a close. In fact, we would at this point be pretty dumbfounded if the four siblings were not reunified with their previous caregivers. Just having this complicated twist added to things makes it just feel... weird? Too rushed? Like we need more time to say goodbye? Relieved that at least the case won't be dragged on for another month?
Again, we have absolutely no doubt that God has placed us here in this time and place for His purposes. We've never questioned that. Circumstances going differently than what we had anticipated won't change the fact that He's already planned our whole stories, down to the endings. We're not feeling angry or like we need to throw in the towel. While we do wish that this case had been a little more clear-cut and smoothly handled on all ends, it is what it is, and you do what you can with what you're given. We've already discussed that we're jumping right back into the game if/when the twins leave, and will accept another foster placement whenever the opportunity is there. This is our calling, and we are confident in that.
We'd love to ask for your prayers. We're not asking for the twins to stay with us. We're not asking for them to go. It's not about that. We don't want to come to God with any expectations, other than to ask for His will to be done and for us to be able to have a part in it. We ask for peace, we ask for the fortitude to emotionally and physically deal with whatever comes and make it through. We ask for protection and guidance for all of the four siblings, no matter where they end up.
As a closing thought, I just want to say how strange it is to think about, putting down my thoughts and having others read them. These things and events and feelings are very personal, and yet I want to document them, in order to give testament to this time in our lives, and to show others a real and authentic journey through the ups and downs of foster adoption. Thanks for being a part of our story, and for all of your never-ending encouragement.
God bless us, every one.
Today was the day when the kids' caseworker brought the other two siblings over so we could all celebrate Big Sister's birthday. It was great to see her so happy - she grinned from ear to ear all day, just sparkling.
I followed the caseworker into the twins bedroom purposefully to find a quiet time to ask for any updates in the twins' cases. I have in the last week left two messages with the girls' lawyer, but haven't heard anything back. The trial begins in three weeks, and we don't know much yet.
The caseworker let me know that the family has filed for a hearing this week, petitioning the immediate reunification of the two siblings who are currently in the shelter. Reasons: 1) the state still hasn't found a foster home for them, and they have been there more than two months, and 2) they are claiming that the shelter isn't providing adequate care. (I'd have to not argue with this; the toddler has extremely painful looking eczema, and both of them have become incredibly withdrawn and quiet.) Because this is the same judge who has been saying the kids should never have been removed in the first place, and has granted the extended unsupervised weekend visits, it would be logical that he'll probably agree to this.
If that happens, says the caseworker, they are prepared to also petition for the twins to immediately be placed back in their care, the reasoning being that if they have the two siblings, the entire family should be reinstated and reunited. The actuality if this happening is a bit more uncertain, but the caseworker wanted to prepare us in advance that this may be occurring this week.
I expressed my amazement at how this could logically happen. I asked did this mean that the trial was null and void and a formality? She said, actually, no, the trial is for the permanent placement of the four siblings (Big Sister not included) and the new judge could still deny their request to adopt them. I asked what would happen if the four kids were placed back next week, but denied the adoption by the cousins, and she said that CPS would immediately call for their removal, and the twins, at least, would be placed back here with us, and begin looking at that as a permanent placement.
So, we could be hearing that the twins are leaving us as early as the middle of this week. AND we could still hear next month that they are coming back.
The past seven months have been such a roller coaster that I don't know if we have the ability to be shocked anymore by anything. Tonight, discussing all of this, all my husband and I can do is shake our heads at each other and ask, "Why am I not surprised?"
We have pretty much made our peace with the twins' time at our home coming to a close. In fact, we would at this point be pretty dumbfounded if the four siblings were not reunified with their previous caregivers. Just having this complicated twist added to things makes it just feel... weird? Too rushed? Like we need more time to say goodbye? Relieved that at least the case won't be dragged on for another month?
Again, we have absolutely no doubt that God has placed us here in this time and place for His purposes. We've never questioned that. Circumstances going differently than what we had anticipated won't change the fact that He's already planned our whole stories, down to the endings. We're not feeling angry or like we need to throw in the towel. While we do wish that this case had been a little more clear-cut and smoothly handled on all ends, it is what it is, and you do what you can with what you're given. We've already discussed that we're jumping right back into the game if/when the twins leave, and will accept another foster placement whenever the opportunity is there. This is our calling, and we are confident in that.
We'd love to ask for your prayers. We're not asking for the twins to stay with us. We're not asking for them to go. It's not about that. We don't want to come to God with any expectations, other than to ask for His will to be done and for us to be able to have a part in it. We ask for peace, we ask for the fortitude to emotionally and physically deal with whatever comes and make it through. We ask for protection and guidance for all of the four siblings, no matter where they end up.
As a closing thought, I just want to say how strange it is to think about, putting down my thoughts and having others read them. These things and events and feelings are very personal, and yet I want to document them, in order to give testament to this time in our lives, and to show others a real and authentic journey through the ups and downs of foster adoption. Thanks for being a part of our story, and for all of your never-ending encouragement.
God bless us, every one.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
To the Almost-Mothers on Mother's Day
Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate the women in our lives who raised us and had an impact on our lives. The generations of female influence, biological or not, dwell on, and is a rich inheritance. I am so grateful to my mom, to my grandmas (one in Colorado, one in heaven), to my mother-in-law, and to so many women who have played the role of "surrogate" mom to me, providing wisdom and guidance. We are so blessed to have the sisterhood of women to support and encourage each other.
And as thankful as I am, and as happy as I will be tomorrow to celebrate with my little ones this year, my heart aches for those who are not-quiet-yet-mothers, and yearn to be. For I've been there. And I know how much this day can hurt.
"A hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12
For those who are childless not by choice, this day can be a painful reminder of what God has not granted yet.
For those who have been waiting and waiting for the title of "mother", with silence and negative pregnancy tests the only answer.
For those who have lost a child - to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early death.
For those young women who are unmarried, praying for a husband and children, trusting that God knows the rest of their story.
For those also who won't be celebrating this day with their own mothers, who have left us briefly to be with Him in heaven.
I was very uncomfortable on Mother's Day for several years, during our journey to start a family, and until Miss A came into our lives. I was incredibly happy to honor and celebrate the women in my life, and to acknowledge how important mothers are. But I either felt so alone, suffering in silence and disappointment over coming to another Mother's Day without being a mother, or almost angry, having the inevitable awkward/painful conversations that the day would inspire, when some well-meaning individual would ask when we would be having children, or, worse, why we hadn't. (I felt like this happened constantly, and quite often the person would respond to my gawky, lame sputterings by saying something like, "You better hurry up - you're not getting any younger." Honestly, this even was said to me on an airplane by my seat partner, whom I'd never met in my life.)
I know that my feelings were mostly selfish, that I was focusing on me. Yet, infertility seems like a condition that separates you from others. It's not something people talk about - and it's not something that's comfortable to talk about. You don't know what it's like - physically or emotionally - unless you've been through it. (Which is with most happenings, especially deep griefs.) Most people don't know what to say if you bring it up, and I completely understand that, and I tried not to take offense at well-meant remarks. It's almost like you can't process it well enough, because there aren't a lot of outlets in which to do so.
Again, I am SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, that, through the miracle of adoption, and the blessing of fostering, that my day tomorrow will be spent with four little creatures who will make messes in our kitchen and lots of noise in our backyard. But I remember what it felt like without them, and I will never forget.
So tomorrow, while we celebrate our mothers, and, some of us, being mothers, let's not forget those for whom this is not a happy day, but a trigger of emotions reflecting the ongoing struggle inside. Please don't forget those who are experiencing infertility, have suffered miscarriages, placed a child for adoption, lost a child - or lost a mother. It may be difficult for the person next to you in church, or at the next table at the restaurant, or walking down the aisle next to you at the grocery store. Even though the support they have for the mothers around them is there and present on this day, it may be difficult for them to express the joy and happiness they do feel, while in the midst of their own heartache. Please be understanding if someone isn't as "celebratory" as you. Everyone has things going on in their lives, most of which we may not know about nor understand.
If you know someone dealing with this situation, it's okay to share a quiet, to-the-side "I'm praying for you." I felt so alone every year on Mother's Day. One year, a fellow sister in Christ bought me a small bouquet and inconspicuously gave them to me, and whispered, "Happy Future Mother's Day. God has great plans for you." I will never forget it.
To the women and men who are hurting due to a loss or a hope deferred thus far, know that there is comfort and hope. It's okay and normal to have feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disillusionment - God is more than okay with hearing about your hurt. He cries with you every time you shed a tear.
"'He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor cying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" Revelation 21:5
Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. Don't think you are less of a godly person for it. "Take it to the Lord in prayer." God has great plans for you. No matter what those plans end up being, it will feel like - and it will be - the absolutely right place for you to be.
Please don't forget about those who are struggling with pain from infertility or loss. Pray for them. Pray that God would bring healing to their souls, first and foremost, and that His will would be done in regards to their futures.
To those women who have shared with me their own private struggles and griefs, I will be praying for you tomorrow. Please know that you can talk with me and we can cry, pray, laugh together. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. God is always with you and can carry you through this storm. You are never alone.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
- Isaiah 40:31
And as thankful as I am, and as happy as I will be tomorrow to celebrate with my little ones this year, my heart aches for those who are not-quiet-yet-mothers, and yearn to be. For I've been there. And I know how much this day can hurt.
"A hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12
For those who are childless not by choice, this day can be a painful reminder of what God has not granted yet.
For those who have been waiting and waiting for the title of "mother", with silence and negative pregnancy tests the only answer.
For those who have lost a child - to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early death.
For those young women who are unmarried, praying for a husband and children, trusting that God knows the rest of their story.
For those also who won't be celebrating this day with their own mothers, who have left us briefly to be with Him in heaven.
I was very uncomfortable on Mother's Day for several years, during our journey to start a family, and until Miss A came into our lives. I was incredibly happy to honor and celebrate the women in my life, and to acknowledge how important mothers are. But I either felt so alone, suffering in silence and disappointment over coming to another Mother's Day without being a mother, or almost angry, having the inevitable awkward/painful conversations that the day would inspire, when some well-meaning individual would ask when we would be having children, or, worse, why we hadn't. (I felt like this happened constantly, and quite often the person would respond to my gawky, lame sputterings by saying something like, "You better hurry up - you're not getting any younger." Honestly, this even was said to me on an airplane by my seat partner, whom I'd never met in my life.)
I know that my feelings were mostly selfish, that I was focusing on me. Yet, infertility seems like a condition that separates you from others. It's not something people talk about - and it's not something that's comfortable to talk about. You don't know what it's like - physically or emotionally - unless you've been through it. (Which is with most happenings, especially deep griefs.) Most people don't know what to say if you bring it up, and I completely understand that, and I tried not to take offense at well-meant remarks. It's almost like you can't process it well enough, because there aren't a lot of outlets in which to do so.
Again, I am SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, that, through the miracle of adoption, and the blessing of fostering, that my day tomorrow will be spent with four little creatures who will make messes in our kitchen and lots of noise in our backyard. But I remember what it felt like without them, and I will never forget.
So tomorrow, while we celebrate our mothers, and, some of us, being mothers, let's not forget those for whom this is not a happy day, but a trigger of emotions reflecting the ongoing struggle inside. Please don't forget those who are experiencing infertility, have suffered miscarriages, placed a child for adoption, lost a child - or lost a mother. It may be difficult for the person next to you in church, or at the next table at the restaurant, or walking down the aisle next to you at the grocery store. Even though the support they have for the mothers around them is there and present on this day, it may be difficult for them to express the joy and happiness they do feel, while in the midst of their own heartache. Please be understanding if someone isn't as "celebratory" as you. Everyone has things going on in their lives, most of which we may not know about nor understand.
If you know someone dealing with this situation, it's okay to share a quiet, to-the-side "I'm praying for you." I felt so alone every year on Mother's Day. One year, a fellow sister in Christ bought me a small bouquet and inconspicuously gave them to me, and whispered, "Happy Future Mother's Day. God has great plans for you." I will never forget it.
To the women and men who are hurting due to a loss or a hope deferred thus far, know that there is comfort and hope. It's okay and normal to have feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disillusionment - God is more than okay with hearing about your hurt. He cries with you every time you shed a tear.
"'He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor cying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" Revelation 21:5
Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. Don't think you are less of a godly person for it. "Take it to the Lord in prayer." God has great plans for you. No matter what those plans end up being, it will feel like - and it will be - the absolutely right place for you to be.
Please don't forget about those who are struggling with pain from infertility or loss. Pray for them. Pray that God would bring healing to their souls, first and foremost, and that His will would be done in regards to their futures.
To those women who have shared with me their own private struggles and griefs, I will be praying for you tomorrow. Please know that you can talk with me and we can cry, pray, laugh together. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. God is always with you and can carry you through this storm. You are never alone.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
- Isaiah 40:31
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
"I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" - Foster/Adopt Edition
Music is a medium that communicates straight to my heart and my soul. I relate to music - the lyrics and the melodies - and somehow find inspiration and comfort in a very unique way.
I sing with our church choir. Everyone has been very understanding of my commitment of, oh, about 80%-90%, with four young children and other church duties throughout the week. I enjoy and am blessed with the music outlets provided to me, as music has always been such a big part of my life.
We are working on a song entitled "I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" for the baptism of our choir director's precious baby girl, which will be happening this Sunday. So happy for her, and for the blessing that Baby J is to her family and to our church family!
Here's the song with lyrics, if you want to hear it in its entirety:
I choked up singing, which I have done during previous times I'd heard this song. The words are powerful, and point to how God has been with you from the very beginning, and will be with you "when you shut your weary eyes" for the last time.
But, today, I could not stop thinking about the connection of these words to our family, the personal connection I feel God is saying to us right now.
"I was there to hear your borning cry, I'll be there when you are old."
Wow. It seems so obvious and trite, but it hits me so hard it hurts when I think about the seven kids who will always be a part of our hearts.
God was there when one of them courageously fought off the drug-induced haze into which, as a tiny baby barely big enough to survive by itself, this precious little one entered into our world.
God was there when another one was found, left in a car on a summer night, while parents were spending time at the bar.
God was there when another one was living in a home filled with months worth of garbage, broken glass, pet dander, moldy old food, and all kinds of dangerous/illegal substances littered around everywhere.
God was miraculously there while they were mistreated or ignored, or both.
God was there through the hurts and pain. God was there through the indifference and neglect. God was there through the hunger - physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Not only was God with them, as in physically being near. He held them close, comforted them, cried along with them, whispered hope and love into their tiny ears.
And the thousands, millions, of hurting, abused, and neglected kids around the country... around the world... God is there with them, too.
The contemplation of these thoughts was almost too much for my puny brain to wrap around. I wanted to literally drop to my knees, crying out with a grateful heart, and simultaneously crying out for this hurting, broken, sinful world.
The rest of the equation began circling around my brain next. If God was with them at the beginning, He will continue to be with them until the end.
Three children have entered into our homes and our lives, and left again, gone to paths different and unknown (to us). Two more - the twins - are smack in the midst of being part of this family, and all signs seem to be currently pointing to their imminent departure. God only knows the ending of this story, and we can't discern it now.
But we have full confidence that God will continue to guard and keep them, wherever they end up. He's big enough to walk with them through everything. We may be only a small character in a child's story, but God is the author.
It is not easy for us humans to give up control to someone else. In this case, it's not even a matter of giving up control, because we never have it in the first place. (Which I think is really the case for most things in our lives.)
Spunky Gal, Preemie Boy, and Baby Girl left our home. The twins may do so too. It will be time to let go, and let God take care of them. Life may not be easy for them, but at least Someone will always be there.
God doesn't promise that the bad stuff of this world will disappear. It's hard to understand that. Our world is full of sin. But it is a comfort to know that He is always with the smallest ones, the ones most in need of protection. And He is with the investigators who discover a hurting child, with the caseworkers and judges who determine a plan for the child, and with the new homes into which the children are introduced. He never turns His back, even if His actions may not be able to be seen by our human eyes at the time.
And this is a wake-up call to all of us. Be God's hands and feet. Every bad situation is one in which we can act. Reach out. Find the ones in need. Heal the hurts with the love God first showed us through His Son. We can't turn blind eyes to what's going on all around us, in our own cities. Let God use us to bring His kingdom, even in a small way, here on earth.
I sing with our church choir. Everyone has been very understanding of my commitment of, oh, about 80%-90%, with four young children and other church duties throughout the week. I enjoy and am blessed with the music outlets provided to me, as music has always been such a big part of my life.
We are working on a song entitled "I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" for the baptism of our choir director's precious baby girl, which will be happening this Sunday. So happy for her, and for the blessing that Baby J is to her family and to our church family!
Here's the song with lyrics, if you want to hear it in its entirety:
I choked up singing, which I have done during previous times I'd heard this song. The words are powerful, and point to how God has been with you from the very beginning, and will be with you "when you shut your weary eyes" for the last time.
But, today, I could not stop thinking about the connection of these words to our family, the personal connection I feel God is saying to us right now.
"I was there to hear your borning cry, I'll be there when you are old."
Wow. It seems so obvious and trite, but it hits me so hard it hurts when I think about the seven kids who will always be a part of our hearts.
God was there when one of them courageously fought off the drug-induced haze into which, as a tiny baby barely big enough to survive by itself, this precious little one entered into our world.
God was there when another one was found, left in a car on a summer night, while parents were spending time at the bar.
God was there when another one was living in a home filled with months worth of garbage, broken glass, pet dander, moldy old food, and all kinds of dangerous/illegal substances littered around everywhere.
God was miraculously there while they were mistreated or ignored, or both.
God was there through the hurts and pain. God was there through the indifference and neglect. God was there through the hunger - physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Not only was God with them, as in physically being near. He held them close, comforted them, cried along with them, whispered hope and love into their tiny ears.
And the thousands, millions, of hurting, abused, and neglected kids around the country... around the world... God is there with them, too.
The contemplation of these thoughts was almost too much for my puny brain to wrap around. I wanted to literally drop to my knees, crying out with a grateful heart, and simultaneously crying out for this hurting, broken, sinful world.
The rest of the equation began circling around my brain next. If God was with them at the beginning, He will continue to be with them until the end.
Three children have entered into our homes and our lives, and left again, gone to paths different and unknown (to us). Two more - the twins - are smack in the midst of being part of this family, and all signs seem to be currently pointing to their imminent departure. God only knows the ending of this story, and we can't discern it now.
But we have full confidence that God will continue to guard and keep them, wherever they end up. He's big enough to walk with them through everything. We may be only a small character in a child's story, but God is the author.
It is not easy for us humans to give up control to someone else. In this case, it's not even a matter of giving up control, because we never have it in the first place. (Which I think is really the case for most things in our lives.)
Spunky Gal, Preemie Boy, and Baby Girl left our home. The twins may do so too. It will be time to let go, and let God take care of them. Life may not be easy for them, but at least Someone will always be there.
God doesn't promise that the bad stuff of this world will disappear. It's hard to understand that. Our world is full of sin. But it is a comfort to know that He is always with the smallest ones, the ones most in need of protection. And He is with the investigators who discover a hurting child, with the caseworkers and judges who determine a plan for the child, and with the new homes into which the children are introduced. He never turns His back, even if His actions may not be able to be seen by our human eyes at the time.
And this is a wake-up call to all of us. Be God's hands and feet. Every bad situation is one in which we can act. Reach out. Find the ones in need. Heal the hurts with the love God first showed us through His Son. We can't turn blind eyes to what's going on all around us, in our own cities. Let God use us to bring His kingdom, even in a small way, here on earth.
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