I got a Call from our caseworker this afternoon. She was asking about a placement for a set of 2-year-old twins. I said we would be interested and she said we will know more information tomorrow.
They are a foster-adopt placement, which means there is a legal risk, the same as our other placements have been. If we are the family chosen, we will go through the court process until their ultimate destination is decided at the end.
We'll keep you updated. I also have not heard anything at this point about any of the adoption situations from last week, but they were supposed to be making decisions by the end of this week.
So, this is how it goes, being an open placement for foster kids and potential adoptive kids! You just go with the flow and see where the ride takes you!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and support on our ride!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Tired of Me Talking about "Waiting"?
I was feeling kind of down this weekend about the adoption placements from last week. The Match Event was last Saturday, and since we still hadn't heard anything, The Man of the House and I were assuming that we weren't chosen.
This afternoon I emailed our placement caseworker to ask if she had heard anything. I felt slightly bad asking her, fearing that we may appear pushy, or over-aggressive, or just plain annoying. :-) I tried to make it light-hearted, saying we aren't as familiar with an adoption placement, as most of our kids have been emergency, same-day placements.
She responded very quickly and told me the latest was that the caseworker for the last sibling group we had contact with said she would make her decision by the end of this week.
I wrote back immediately, thanking her, and exclaiming that I was happy to hear there is still hope!
I had a conversation with my Dad last week while I was updating him on what we knew about the placement. Now, first, you have to understand the relationship between my Dad and me. I am definitely a Daddy's girl. Not that I don't love my mom - and I have grown in respect and plain awe of her as I have grown older - but it's just wired in me that my Dad and I "click". I could talk to my Mom about anything and everything, and she was close with my friends. She never was a peer, or tried to be, but she was and is definitely one of my greatest friends. On the other hand, when something big was happening, I had to tell Dad and get his input and/or approval, and that little girl is still inside of me, wanting that interaction. If you want to get me really bawling, play "Butterfly Kisses" or "I Loved Her First" or any other song usually heard during father-daughter dances at weddings. Now, the interesting thing about my Dad and me is that we're almost completely different personality wise. Not good, not bad, just intriguing. If you know the Myers-Briggs personality profile system, you'll understand the difference between a person who is mostly a "T" personality and someone who us mostly an "F". Thinking vs. feeling. Logic verses emotions. My dad has almost all "T" and no "F" and I have almost all "F" and barely any "T". In simpler terms, he faces the world with logic and I use my feelings and intuition. We like to discuss it; I find it fascinating.
I digress.
Anyway, after I was sharing, even though I assumed I was sounding positive, we started having one of those father-daughter talks. He told me, "You have always been a worrier. You get it from your grandmother." (This is a common motif in our conversations! Heard it many times! And I totally agree that I get it from Grandma Bernice! Love you! :-))
I told him something to the effect of: "But I think I am a choose-your-battle type of worrier. I won't get uptight if Little Guy puts his pants on backwards, because he did it himself and I want him to be proud of his accomplishments. If milk gets spilled at the table, we say 'Oops' and clean it up with not much fuss because it's not a big deal. Big deals are worth caring about, and whether or not we get another kid in the house is a big deal to us." He did concede that I have gotten better at not worrying about everything as much as I did when I was younger. Hey, there's always baby steps to take, people!
I don't want to become so consumed with the "next step" that I lose sight of the blessings that we have right now. I know we have two wonderful, awesome kids who are more precious than anything else on this earth to the two of us. God has richly blessed us with food and clothing and a home to live in. It's not that we want MORE to have MORE, when we desire more children; we just feel led that this is our path and we trust that God is the one to provide for us and complete our family further, and we won't stop bugging him yet!
There's definitely a sense of walking a fine line, between contentment and pouring out our heart's desires in prayer as often as we can. God tells us to "Ask, Seek, Knock", and we try to do that every day out of the peace in our hearts. Some days, it's easier to be patient than others.
I would ask for thoughts and prayers for us to continue to keep positive attitudes in this waiting time. Please also remember the little ones whom God will add to our family - we ask for their safety and protection at this time, and for our relationship to begin as healthy as possible the moment we know they are joining our family. I'll keep posting on any updates!
This afternoon I emailed our placement caseworker to ask if she had heard anything. I felt slightly bad asking her, fearing that we may appear pushy, or over-aggressive, or just plain annoying. :-) I tried to make it light-hearted, saying we aren't as familiar with an adoption placement, as most of our kids have been emergency, same-day placements.
She responded very quickly and told me the latest was that the caseworker for the last sibling group we had contact with said she would make her decision by the end of this week.
I wrote back immediately, thanking her, and exclaiming that I was happy to hear there is still hope!
I had a conversation with my Dad last week while I was updating him on what we knew about the placement. Now, first, you have to understand the relationship between my Dad and me. I am definitely a Daddy's girl. Not that I don't love my mom - and I have grown in respect and plain awe of her as I have grown older - but it's just wired in me that my Dad and I "click". I could talk to my Mom about anything and everything, and she was close with my friends. She never was a peer, or tried to be, but she was and is definitely one of my greatest friends. On the other hand, when something big was happening, I had to tell Dad and get his input and/or approval, and that little girl is still inside of me, wanting that interaction. If you want to get me really bawling, play "Butterfly Kisses" or "I Loved Her First" or any other song usually heard during father-daughter dances at weddings. Now, the interesting thing about my Dad and me is that we're almost completely different personality wise. Not good, not bad, just intriguing. If you know the Myers-Briggs personality profile system, you'll understand the difference between a person who is mostly a "T" personality and someone who us mostly an "F". Thinking vs. feeling. Logic verses emotions. My dad has almost all "T" and no "F" and I have almost all "F" and barely any "T". In simpler terms, he faces the world with logic and I use my feelings and intuition. We like to discuss it; I find it fascinating.
I digress.
Anyway, after I was sharing, even though I assumed I was sounding positive, we started having one of those father-daughter talks. He told me, "You have always been a worrier. You get it from your grandmother." (This is a common motif in our conversations! Heard it many times! And I totally agree that I get it from Grandma Bernice! Love you! :-))
I told him something to the effect of: "But I think I am a choose-your-battle type of worrier. I won't get uptight if Little Guy puts his pants on backwards, because he did it himself and I want him to be proud of his accomplishments. If milk gets spilled at the table, we say 'Oops' and clean it up with not much fuss because it's not a big deal. Big deals are worth caring about, and whether or not we get another kid in the house is a big deal to us." He did concede that I have gotten better at not worrying about everything as much as I did when I was younger. Hey, there's always baby steps to take, people!
I don't want to become so consumed with the "next step" that I lose sight of the blessings that we have right now. I know we have two wonderful, awesome kids who are more precious than anything else on this earth to the two of us. God has richly blessed us with food and clothing and a home to live in. It's not that we want MORE to have MORE, when we desire more children; we just feel led that this is our path and we trust that God is the one to provide for us and complete our family further, and we won't stop bugging him yet!
There's definitely a sense of walking a fine line, between contentment and pouring out our heart's desires in prayer as often as we can. God tells us to "Ask, Seek, Knock", and we try to do that every day out of the peace in our hearts. Some days, it's easier to be patient than others.
I would ask for thoughts and prayers for us to continue to keep positive attitudes in this waiting time. Please also remember the little ones whom God will add to our family - we ask for their safety and protection at this time, and for our relationship to begin as healthy as possible the moment we know they are joining our family. I'll keep posting on any updates!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Project: Chore Charts
The Man of the House and I have been talking about how our kids (especially Miss A) are getting old enough to help around the house. They both do a pretty good job of helping when they're asked at this point. We try to think of age-appropriate tasks, both things they do now and things we would like them to do. He and I agree that appropriate responsibilities will foster self-confidence, pleasure in a job well done, and a feeling of familial helpfulness. All that good stuff! We have differing views about allowance (maybe a topic for a later post) but we both agree they're ready for some official responsibility just for the sake of helping around the house.
I searched Pinterest for different ideas. I saw a lot of cute charts, DIY, printable, and some you can purchase. One that caught my eye used magnets that the kids move when they accomplish a chore.
However, I came up with another idea in the end. I utilized the same concept I used for my to-do list I used at school last year. I printed off a blank form and then put it into a picture frame I already had. This enabled me to use dry-erase markers instead of buying or replicating numerous copies of my blank list. I kept it simple - only five spaces. I really liked this format.
So... drum roll... here are the chore charts, newly placed in the hallway between the two kids' bedrooms, right outside the bathroom.
And here's another, closer picture.
Here is a close-up of Miss A's chart. Her jobs are: making the bed, getting dressed, fixing her lunch and getting her backpack ready (with our help, of course, to make sure the lunch was healthy and she hasn't forgotten anything), clearing the table after meals, watering the plants on the front porch, picking up her toys at night before bed, and brushing her teeth.
You can see that I snapped the picture as soon as I put it up, so there are no dry-erase marks. (Yet, she added a sticker this morning as soon as she made her bed! Silly goose!)
And here's Little Guy's chore chart. He gets to make his bed, get dressed, set the table, get the mail, water the plants (with double duty, hopefully someone will get to them each day, right?) and brush teeth.
The best part about these charts is how versatile they are. Changing or modifying the tasks is as easy as printing off a new page and inserting it into the picture frame. Hopefully this will help our days go smoothly!
Does your family have chores? Do you have a place where you keep record of it, or a method you use to keep your kids accountable? I'd love to hear about it in the comment section!
I searched Pinterest for different ideas. I saw a lot of cute charts, DIY, printable, and some you can purchase. One that caught my eye used magnets that the kids move when they accomplish a chore.
However, I came up with another idea in the end. I utilized the same concept I used for my to-do list I used at school last year. I printed off a blank form and then put it into a picture frame I already had. This enabled me to use dry-erase markers instead of buying or replicating numerous copies of my blank list. I kept it simple - only five spaces. I really liked this format.
So... drum roll... here are the chore charts, newly placed in the hallway between the two kids' bedrooms, right outside the bathroom.
And here's another, closer picture.
Here is a close-up of Miss A's chart. Her jobs are: making the bed, getting dressed, fixing her lunch and getting her backpack ready (with our help, of course, to make sure the lunch was healthy and she hasn't forgotten anything), clearing the table after meals, watering the plants on the front porch, picking up her toys at night before bed, and brushing her teeth.
You can see that I snapped the picture as soon as I put it up, so there are no dry-erase marks. (Yet, she added a sticker this morning as soon as she made her bed! Silly goose!)
And here's Little Guy's chore chart. He gets to make his bed, get dressed, set the table, get the mail, water the plants (with double duty, hopefully someone will get to them each day, right?) and brush teeth.
The best part about these charts is how versatile they are. Changing or modifying the tasks is as easy as printing off a new page and inserting it into the picture frame. Hopefully this will help our days go smoothly!
Does your family have chores? Do you have a place where you keep record of it, or a method you use to keep your kids accountable? I'd love to hear about it in the comment section!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Waiting... Another Update
I received an e-mail last night from our placement caseworker entitled, "Two GREAT Siblings Looking for a Family!" When I opened it, a picture of two adorable kids smiled back at me. There was a little girl who is 7-years-old and a little boy who is 6-years-old. The message gave a little background on the pair, as well as their interests and basic personality descriptions. (You never hear tons of information on the first "feeler" sent out about a child or sibling group. Once you are matched with a placement, then you will be given a more complete account of their history and current situation. Once you are preparing to adopt a child, you receive their whole file and get to read the WHOLE shebang, every note, every message, etc.)
After the Man of the House returned home from coaching a football practice, we sat down to dinner and looked over the e-mail together. After some discussion, we agreed to tell her that we are interested. 6 and 7 may have seemed a little old several weeks ago, but after the Match Event, seeing all of those older children, we agreed to spread out our parameters, so to speak. We'll see what happens!
I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I've been having visions of sugarplums dancing in my heads, dreaming of a Christmas with "our new children", coming together as a family, celebrating together... What a fun time that would be!
Side-note: I also found out from our caseworker yesterday that the sibling group of two girls won't work out for us. They are, for whatever reason, a "moderate" care case, and we are only licensed for "basic" cases. Quick prayers that a good home will be found for those sweeties!
After the Man of the House returned home from coaching a football practice, we sat down to dinner and looked over the e-mail together. After some discussion, we agreed to tell her that we are interested. 6 and 7 may have seemed a little old several weeks ago, but after the Match Event, seeing all of those older children, we agreed to spread out our parameters, so to speak. We'll see what happens!
I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I've been having visions of sugarplums dancing in my heads, dreaming of a Christmas with "our new children", coming together as a family, celebrating together... What a fun time that would be!
Side-note: I also found out from our caseworker yesterday that the sibling group of two girls won't work out for us. They are, for whatever reason, a "moderate" care case, and we are only licensed for "basic" cases. Quick prayers that a good home will be found for those sweeties!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Waiting... An Update
I mentioned that I e-mailed our placement caseworker about the three opportunities mentioned in the book we received at the Match Event on Saturday. She e-mailed me back early Monday morning and said she would forward our home study to the respective caseworkers so they can make a decision.
We don't know when we'll hear anything, but it sure feels good to know that the wheels are turning, and things are happening, even if they're out of our control. (And even if that phrase makes me want to shudder sometimes!) :-)
On Monday afternoon, I received an e-mail from one of the caseworkers I had e-mailed myself, and she was asking for the name of our organization and caseworker. She was the one with a two-girl sibling group. I complied, but we have yet to hear anything back from her.
So, that's a brief update with where we are. I don't want to be boring, sharing news that's really no news, but, then again, this is a real picture of how it goes for a potential placement family. You hurry up and wait! And get ready for the fun craziness to begin!
We don't know when we'll hear anything, but it sure feels good to know that the wheels are turning, and things are happening, even if they're out of our control. (And even if that phrase makes me want to shudder sometimes!) :-)
On Monday afternoon, I received an e-mail from one of the caseworkers I had e-mailed myself, and she was asking for the name of our organization and caseworker. She was the one with a two-girl sibling group. I complied, but we have yet to hear anything back from her.
So, that's a brief update with where we are. I don't want to be boring, sharing news that's really no news, but, then again, this is a real picture of how it goes for a potential placement family. You hurry up and wait! And get ready for the fun craziness to begin!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Baby Girl's Story
This story will be the hardest to write. It was painful, and it is the most recent.
I'll back up to last fall. Our caseworker began asking us if we would be open to new placements, as we were licensed for three children in our home at the time. We told her we wanted to wait until Little Guy's adoption went through, so we could focus on getting everything done that needed to happen, and just celebrate that time with him. Right before Christmas, we had a regular monthly visit from the caseworker. She asked again if we would be open to a placement and we happily told her, "Sure!"
In the morning on January 10th, I received a CALL from our caseworker. She asked me if we would be interested in taking in a four-day-old baby girl who was currently in the NICU due to some medical issues related to the pregnancy and birth, but was going to be released that day. I ecstatically agreed and ran to find The Man of the House.
We were all so thrilled - over-the-moon kind of happy. I remember that my face hurt from smiling so much those first couple of days. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy and I had all been praying for our new "baby brother" or "baby sister" for months, asking God to keep him or her safe and protect her, to help us prepare our home and hearts for a new addition, and to guide the outcome of the placement. The kids were so great about the situation; they think it's completely normal for a caseworker to drop off a random kid at your house to become part of your family! We are very open about the fact that they are adopted, and we tell the age-appropriate versions of their own stories to them every so often. We want them always to know how wanted they are and how loved - by so many people.
On the day we took in Baby Girl, here was her situation: Birthparents were not together. They were both a few years older than us. They had created an adoption plan during the last part of the pregnancy, but when birthfather came to the hospital to sign it after the delivery, birthmother told him she had changed her mind and wanted to raise the baby. He told her he wanted nothing to do with the whole ordeal. CPS became involved when certain things came to light about the situation. That's where we came in. Birthmother was somewhat estranged from her family and said she did not have anyone to take the baby in for the time being. We were chosen to take Baby Girl. Birthmother had an unfortunate history and a long journey ahead of her to regain her rights. The closest family were her parents three or four hours away, but the investigations caseworker confided to us that was too far away to consider for a placement. I will stress now that nothing was promised to us, but we were told it looked promising for our eventual adoption of Baby Girl. Birthmother could probably even change her mind about the adoption and maybe voluntarily terminate her parental rights, it was discussed with us. It sounded like a fairly simple case and we felt extremely blessed.
Baby Girl completed the puzzle of our family at that time in a way that is hard to describe. From the second we laid eyes on her, Baby Girl felt like a piece of our family that was always meant to be part of us. The Man of the House and I could hardly articulate to each other how attached we immediately felt to her. It all just "clicked" and we were praying right from the very first that she would stay with us for good. Of course we threw in the "if it be Your Will, Lord," phrase while we prayed, but of course this would be God's Will if it was working out so smoothly and felt so right, right?
Getting up in the middle of the night and then teaching a full day at school wasn't very difficult because of how enamored with her we all were. The Man of the House usually stayed up until about 11 p.m. to feed her, then I woke up around 2 or 3 a.m. to feed her again, and she ate again somewhere between 5 or 6 a.m., either before or after my shower, depending on the time. We had an efficient system of teamwork and I treasure my husband so much for his willingness to tackle these sleepless nights without complaining. It was a joyful, delirious, content time in our lives.
During the day, we arranged for Baby Girl to stay with a new friend from church who had a two-year-old almost exactly Little Guy's age. What a blessing to have people around us who are willing to jump on the crazy train right along side us and be ready to pitch in when our world abruptly changes course!
Miss A and Little Guy took turns holding Baby Girl every chance they could get. Miss A especially enjoyed helping with feeding time, but she did tell us, "I'm not doing any diapers." They talked about the baby to anyone who would listen.
A couple of weeks went by and our first court appearance happened. I took the morning off of teaching to head to the courthouse. I had not met Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer in person, so I was looking forward to sitting down and discussing her care and growth so far. I waited in the hallway, sitting in a padded chair, rocking and feeding Baby Girl. Two older people came up to me while I was waiting and began asking questions about the baby, and then told me that they were Birthmother's parents. They had just recently learned about the birth of Baby Girl, and they were there to get custody of her as her grandparents.
I felt floored, blindsided, scared, for my own sake. But I held it all in and made small talk. They asked to hold her, of course I handed her right over, and they held her the rest of the morning, without speaking much to me after that. When the lawyer came over, introduced herself briefly and then told me I wasn't needed in their conversation and I might be more comfortable sitting down inside the court room while they spent time with the baby out there in the waiting area. Feeling brushed off, pushed aside, I numbly complied and sat by myself listening to other cases for about an hour before I went back out to see if they needed anything.
I finally found Baby Girl's caseworker and we got to talk. I told her about the interaction and the statement the grandparents had made, not speaking in a defensive manner, just attempting to gauge her reaction. She looked at me and asked, "Does that make you upset?" She didn't speak unkindly, just very plainly and slowly, and continued, "You know that we keep children with families as much as possible. Of course they are here to get custody." I explained that I hadn't known until this moment that the grandparents were in the picture for custody, as I was told that they lived too far away to be considered for placement of Baby Girl and had been expecting to have her for the time being, if not longer. It was a new development for me and The Man of the House at the moment and we just needed to please be kept abreast of any new developments or decisions that came up.The caseworker told me not to worry, she might not leave today, but... we would have to see what the judge decided. At this point I was tearing up, she hugged me and apologized for me finding out this way, and I excused myself to the bathroom... and sobbed. I felt that communication had happened without us and felt powerless to have any say in Baby Girl's future. Obviously everyone else was on one page and we hadn't been informed. That was almost as painful as the thought of being separated from Baby Girl.
The grandparents were not rude to me in any way, I think they simply had no idea we had been told of the probability (at the time) of our keeping Baby Girl as a foster placement and longer. They considered us a foster home, which we rightfully were, but they assumed we were only a "placeholder" until they could come along and take care of the child. If I were in their shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way.
In the middle of this complex interaction, the investigations caseworker (who originally removed Baby Girl from Birthmother's custody) later checked in with me in the courtroom, saw I didn't have the baby, asked why, retrieved her from the grandparents, apologized for them being allowed to "take over", and said, "I know they're here to get custody, but I think she needs to stay with you." It was whiplash, back and forth, back and forth, with my emotions.
During the hearing, the judge received all of the information and updates, and then announced that she wasn't ready to move Baby Girl. The grandparents needed to be investigated and show that they could provide a decent home for her. This was the same judge who had overseen Spunky Girl/Preemie Boy's case, as well as Little Guy's case (Miss A was in a different county), so she knew our family, and said, "This is a good foster family and I know she's getting excellent care. I want to keep her there at this time." Obviously, her encouraging words made me feel better. As far as moving Baby Girl, with the long list of items to happen before you are "approved" by the agency, we all figured it would be a while, a span of time probably heading into months.
The days were horribly bittersweet as they went by. Every night left us more attached to Baby Girl, more confident that God had a miraculous plan that would enable her to stay with us forever, yet more fearful of the thought of her departure. Every call from the caseworker brought a rollercoaster of emotion as we heard all kinds of varying reports on Baby Girl's placement status. No answer could be determined... and no news is definitely not good news when the revelation of said news feels so immensely important. We heard how Birthmother wasn't doing well and chances were slipping away quickly that she could regain custody, in the caseworker's opinion. We heard about progress on the investigation of the grandparents and we heard about how Birthmother expressed that it was her desire for Baby Girl to stay with us and not be placed into her parents' custody. All we could be told was that everything would be reported to the judge and she would make the decision.
We were never able to have a single actual meeting with either Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer - they cancelled or no-showed on us several times, and even though they apologized, it still hurt and felt unfair - and we felt time slipping away from us, Baby Girl slipping away from us, without the possibility of The Man of the House and I, the foster parents, even being able to share our own feelings, opinions, and experiences.
Another court date was scheduled when Baby Girl had been with us about two months. The night before, I had a horrible foreboding feeling, worrying about leaving any stone unturned or anything unsaid. I called Baby Girl's caseworker, apologizing for bugging her after hours. Our last conversation had ended with her telling me "It was probably best for Baby Girl to get back with family as soon as possible and not just be stuck in some foster home." I wanted the caseworker to know that that wasn't the case for Baby Girl. I told her how much The Man of the House and I were attached to Baby Girl, how much we loved and cared for her, and how much we desired to adopt her if the time came. I said that I had never fully expressed it to her and I didn't want to appear pushy, but I needed to see if this made any difference to her opinion and if it would affect what she would tell the judge in the morning. The caseworker responded, "I had no idea you wanted to adopt her." I replied, "Well, we are a foster-adopt home and have adopted two others." She said, "Really?" and paused, then said, "That changes things."
I could barely sleep that night, reeling from the conversation with the caseworker. Should we have been up front from the beginning that our ultimate intent was to adopt Baby Girl, if her Birthmother lost custody, of course? Or was that too forward? You are somewhat discouraged from seriously discussing adoption when children are still in the foster portion of their care. Nothing's settled until it's settled, and you can't cross a bridge before you come to it.
The next day at court, I was told as soon as I arrived by Baby Girl's caseworker that the team would be asking the judge to move placement of Baby Girl to the grandparents' home effective immediately. Again, all I could feel was numb. It didn't help that we were one of the last cases heard that day and I had to hold everything in for such a long period of time. At one point, I did ask permission to run home and pack her bags quickly, to help make things easier for the grandparents. I cried the entire ride home, while at home, and the entire ride back.
The judge announced that she would agree to the placement move, but wanted to work out a smooth transition time. Instead of an immediate change, she asked if Friday, three days away, would be enough time for all of us. We all agreed and the hearing was over. The caseworker asked if she should pick Baby Girl up at school Friday morning. I asked if she could pick her up at the caregiver's home instead; I didn't want my students watching the good-bye.
It is not being dramatic to say that Friday was one of the worst days I have experienced. I dropped Baby Girl and her bag of clothes and diapers at the caregiver's home and could not linger so as to make it to school on time. I don't recall if I actually talked or just awkwardly left her with the caregiver after I kissed her good-bye and walked away.
I taught that day, which was probably a mistake. I excused myself to the hallway or bathroom countless times to cry, and spent lunch and recess time bawling with The Man of the House, who confessed that he had been choking back tears behind his ubiquitous coffee mug all morning (only the second time I've ever seen him cry, after the day of his grandfather's funeral). I had been very open with the students that today would be a rough day for me. They knew Baby Girl was a foster baby, had been bouncing off the walls with me the day we received THE CALL about her, and stunned into silence on the day I told them she was leaving us. As cold and numb as I was, I felt the warmth of their concern and care as my sixth graders prayed for me that morning. (One blessing of teaching at a Christian school! Love those kids!)
We survived the day and got home. I cried through most of dinner. At one point during the meal, Miss A stopped eating and sat in my lap. She looked at me, put her head on my shoulder, and tears began forming in her eyes. I asked her what was making her sad, and she said, "I think it's probably the same thing that's making you sad, Mommy." I held her and we sobbed together for a minute, and I said, "Yes, I miss Baby Girl very much. We love her, don't we?" She peered up through her tears and said, "Yes, we love her, Mommy, but there are more boys and girls that need our help now. We need to be ready to say 'Yes, we can help them!' when they ask us." Of course, that made me cry harder, tears of gratefulness that she understood what this was all about, maybe even better than we did.
I think about that moment whenever people comment or ask about the effect that fostering has on the other, permanent children in the home. I think teaching kids from an early age that sacrificing your own comfort or desires for the ultimate good of another is never a bad thing. It's painful for anyone when there is loss of any kind. It was painful for us, because we wanted things to work out our way for our own little world. Kids are so resilient, though. To Miss A and Little Guy, the uncertainty of having Baby Girl was a fact of life, and one they didn't question. It was natural - and of course, there was NO question about us doing it again. Miss A fully expected each of us to brush ourselves off, jump right back on our horses, and get ready for the next ride.
My hope in sharing this experience is not to appear overly dramatic or emotional, nor is it to ask for pity. We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this journey even before Miss A coming to our home was a reality. About half of the kids in foster care return to their biological families. No matter how things sound at the beginning of a case, things can always change. Putting up with the uncertainty is in the job description. We handled this well on some days and not as well on some days. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it, KNOWING WHAT COULD HAPPEN DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN!
But we'll do it again.
Love and kindness are never wasted.
I can't explain clearly how holding that precious warm bundle of sweetness with her mop of red hair gave us such incredible joy, no matter how short the time was. Life is uncertain in any circumstance. It could have been my biological child that I raised in my own womb and then "lost" two months later. If you have actually experienced the death of a child, my heart cries out in agony for you, because I know my hurt is only a shadow compared with yours. We are blessed to know that Baby Girl is still here on this earth with grandparents who love her. The pain slowly fades, but the memories will never be forgotten. Christ who hung on the cross with all my sin, experiencing the mess of this world with all its pain, was triumphant over it all, and He promises that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
Love you, Baby Girl. May you grow strong and courageous and honorable and compassionate, and always feel His love and ours, even if we never meet again.
I'll back up to last fall. Our caseworker began asking us if we would be open to new placements, as we were licensed for three children in our home at the time. We told her we wanted to wait until Little Guy's adoption went through, so we could focus on getting everything done that needed to happen, and just celebrate that time with him. Right before Christmas, we had a regular monthly visit from the caseworker. She asked again if we would be open to a placement and we happily told her, "Sure!"
In the morning on January 10th, I received a CALL from our caseworker. She asked me if we would be interested in taking in a four-day-old baby girl who was currently in the NICU due to some medical issues related to the pregnancy and birth, but was going to be released that day. I ecstatically agreed and ran to find The Man of the House.
We were all so thrilled - over-the-moon kind of happy. I remember that my face hurt from smiling so much those first couple of days. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy and I had all been praying for our new "baby brother" or "baby sister" for months, asking God to keep him or her safe and protect her, to help us prepare our home and hearts for a new addition, and to guide the outcome of the placement. The kids were so great about the situation; they think it's completely normal for a caseworker to drop off a random kid at your house to become part of your family! We are very open about the fact that they are adopted, and we tell the age-appropriate versions of their own stories to them every so often. We want them always to know how wanted they are and how loved - by so many people.
On the day we took in Baby Girl, here was her situation: Birthparents were not together. They were both a few years older than us. They had created an adoption plan during the last part of the pregnancy, but when birthfather came to the hospital to sign it after the delivery, birthmother told him she had changed her mind and wanted to raise the baby. He told her he wanted nothing to do with the whole ordeal. CPS became involved when certain things came to light about the situation. That's where we came in. Birthmother was somewhat estranged from her family and said she did not have anyone to take the baby in for the time being. We were chosen to take Baby Girl. Birthmother had an unfortunate history and a long journey ahead of her to regain her rights. The closest family were her parents three or four hours away, but the investigations caseworker confided to us that was too far away to consider for a placement. I will stress now that nothing was promised to us, but we were told it looked promising for our eventual adoption of Baby Girl. Birthmother could probably even change her mind about the adoption and maybe voluntarily terminate her parental rights, it was discussed with us. It sounded like a fairly simple case and we felt extremely blessed.
Baby Girl completed the puzzle of our family at that time in a way that is hard to describe. From the second we laid eyes on her, Baby Girl felt like a piece of our family that was always meant to be part of us. The Man of the House and I could hardly articulate to each other how attached we immediately felt to her. It all just "clicked" and we were praying right from the very first that she would stay with us for good. Of course we threw in the "if it be Your Will, Lord," phrase while we prayed, but of course this would be God's Will if it was working out so smoothly and felt so right, right?
Getting up in the middle of the night and then teaching a full day at school wasn't very difficult because of how enamored with her we all were. The Man of the House usually stayed up until about 11 p.m. to feed her, then I woke up around 2 or 3 a.m. to feed her again, and she ate again somewhere between 5 or 6 a.m., either before or after my shower, depending on the time. We had an efficient system of teamwork and I treasure my husband so much for his willingness to tackle these sleepless nights without complaining. It was a joyful, delirious, content time in our lives.
During the day, we arranged for Baby Girl to stay with a new friend from church who had a two-year-old almost exactly Little Guy's age. What a blessing to have people around us who are willing to jump on the crazy train right along side us and be ready to pitch in when our world abruptly changes course!
Miss A and Little Guy took turns holding Baby Girl every chance they could get. Miss A especially enjoyed helping with feeding time, but she did tell us, "I'm not doing any diapers." They talked about the baby to anyone who would listen.
A couple of weeks went by and our first court appearance happened. I took the morning off of teaching to head to the courthouse. I had not met Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer in person, so I was looking forward to sitting down and discussing her care and growth so far. I waited in the hallway, sitting in a padded chair, rocking and feeding Baby Girl. Two older people came up to me while I was waiting and began asking questions about the baby, and then told me that they were Birthmother's parents. They had just recently learned about the birth of Baby Girl, and they were there to get custody of her as her grandparents.
I felt floored, blindsided, scared, for my own sake. But I held it all in and made small talk. They asked to hold her, of course I handed her right over, and they held her the rest of the morning, without speaking much to me after that. When the lawyer came over, introduced herself briefly and then told me I wasn't needed in their conversation and I might be more comfortable sitting down inside the court room while they spent time with the baby out there in the waiting area. Feeling brushed off, pushed aside, I numbly complied and sat by myself listening to other cases for about an hour before I went back out to see if they needed anything.
I finally found Baby Girl's caseworker and we got to talk. I told her about the interaction and the statement the grandparents had made, not speaking in a defensive manner, just attempting to gauge her reaction. She looked at me and asked, "Does that make you upset?" She didn't speak unkindly, just very plainly and slowly, and continued, "You know that we keep children with families as much as possible. Of course they are here to get custody." I explained that I hadn't known until this moment that the grandparents were in the picture for custody, as I was told that they lived too far away to be considered for placement of Baby Girl and had been expecting to have her for the time being, if not longer. It was a new development for me and The Man of the House at the moment and we just needed to please be kept abreast of any new developments or decisions that came up.The caseworker told me not to worry, she might not leave today, but... we would have to see what the judge decided. At this point I was tearing up, she hugged me and apologized for me finding out this way, and I excused myself to the bathroom... and sobbed. I felt that communication had happened without us and felt powerless to have any say in Baby Girl's future. Obviously everyone else was on one page and we hadn't been informed. That was almost as painful as the thought of being separated from Baby Girl.
The grandparents were not rude to me in any way, I think they simply had no idea we had been told of the probability (at the time) of our keeping Baby Girl as a foster placement and longer. They considered us a foster home, which we rightfully were, but they assumed we were only a "placeholder" until they could come along and take care of the child. If I were in their shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way.
In the middle of this complex interaction, the investigations caseworker (who originally removed Baby Girl from Birthmother's custody) later checked in with me in the courtroom, saw I didn't have the baby, asked why, retrieved her from the grandparents, apologized for them being allowed to "take over", and said, "I know they're here to get custody, but I think she needs to stay with you." It was whiplash, back and forth, back and forth, with my emotions.
During the hearing, the judge received all of the information and updates, and then announced that she wasn't ready to move Baby Girl. The grandparents needed to be investigated and show that they could provide a decent home for her. This was the same judge who had overseen Spunky Girl/Preemie Boy's case, as well as Little Guy's case (Miss A was in a different county), so she knew our family, and said, "This is a good foster family and I know she's getting excellent care. I want to keep her there at this time." Obviously, her encouraging words made me feel better. As far as moving Baby Girl, with the long list of items to happen before you are "approved" by the agency, we all figured it would be a while, a span of time probably heading into months.
The days were horribly bittersweet as they went by. Every night left us more attached to Baby Girl, more confident that God had a miraculous plan that would enable her to stay with us forever, yet more fearful of the thought of her departure. Every call from the caseworker brought a rollercoaster of emotion as we heard all kinds of varying reports on Baby Girl's placement status. No answer could be determined... and no news is definitely not good news when the revelation of said news feels so immensely important. We heard how Birthmother wasn't doing well and chances were slipping away quickly that she could regain custody, in the caseworker's opinion. We heard about progress on the investigation of the grandparents and we heard about how Birthmother expressed that it was her desire for Baby Girl to stay with us and not be placed into her parents' custody. All we could be told was that everything would be reported to the judge and she would make the decision.
We were never able to have a single actual meeting with either Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer - they cancelled or no-showed on us several times, and even though they apologized, it still hurt and felt unfair - and we felt time slipping away from us, Baby Girl slipping away from us, without the possibility of The Man of the House and I, the foster parents, even being able to share our own feelings, opinions, and experiences.
Another court date was scheduled when Baby Girl had been with us about two months. The night before, I had a horrible foreboding feeling, worrying about leaving any stone unturned or anything unsaid. I called Baby Girl's caseworker, apologizing for bugging her after hours. Our last conversation had ended with her telling me "It was probably best for Baby Girl to get back with family as soon as possible and not just be stuck in some foster home." I wanted the caseworker to know that that wasn't the case for Baby Girl. I told her how much The Man of the House and I were attached to Baby Girl, how much we loved and cared for her, and how much we desired to adopt her if the time came. I said that I had never fully expressed it to her and I didn't want to appear pushy, but I needed to see if this made any difference to her opinion and if it would affect what she would tell the judge in the morning. The caseworker responded, "I had no idea you wanted to adopt her." I replied, "Well, we are a foster-adopt home and have adopted two others." She said, "Really?" and paused, then said, "That changes things."
I could barely sleep that night, reeling from the conversation with the caseworker. Should we have been up front from the beginning that our ultimate intent was to adopt Baby Girl, if her Birthmother lost custody, of course? Or was that too forward? You are somewhat discouraged from seriously discussing adoption when children are still in the foster portion of their care. Nothing's settled until it's settled, and you can't cross a bridge before you come to it.
The next day at court, I was told as soon as I arrived by Baby Girl's caseworker that the team would be asking the judge to move placement of Baby Girl to the grandparents' home effective immediately. Again, all I could feel was numb. It didn't help that we were one of the last cases heard that day and I had to hold everything in for such a long period of time. At one point, I did ask permission to run home and pack her bags quickly, to help make things easier for the grandparents. I cried the entire ride home, while at home, and the entire ride back.
The judge announced that she would agree to the placement move, but wanted to work out a smooth transition time. Instead of an immediate change, she asked if Friday, three days away, would be enough time for all of us. We all agreed and the hearing was over. The caseworker asked if she should pick Baby Girl up at school Friday morning. I asked if she could pick her up at the caregiver's home instead; I didn't want my students watching the good-bye.
It is not being dramatic to say that Friday was one of the worst days I have experienced. I dropped Baby Girl and her bag of clothes and diapers at the caregiver's home and could not linger so as to make it to school on time. I don't recall if I actually talked or just awkwardly left her with the caregiver after I kissed her good-bye and walked away.
I taught that day, which was probably a mistake. I excused myself to the hallway or bathroom countless times to cry, and spent lunch and recess time bawling with The Man of the House, who confessed that he had been choking back tears behind his ubiquitous coffee mug all morning (only the second time I've ever seen him cry, after the day of his grandfather's funeral). I had been very open with the students that today would be a rough day for me. They knew Baby Girl was a foster baby, had been bouncing off the walls with me the day we received THE CALL about her, and stunned into silence on the day I told them she was leaving us. As cold and numb as I was, I felt the warmth of their concern and care as my sixth graders prayed for me that morning. (One blessing of teaching at a Christian school! Love those kids!)
We survived the day and got home. I cried through most of dinner. At one point during the meal, Miss A stopped eating and sat in my lap. She looked at me, put her head on my shoulder, and tears began forming in her eyes. I asked her what was making her sad, and she said, "I think it's probably the same thing that's making you sad, Mommy." I held her and we sobbed together for a minute, and I said, "Yes, I miss Baby Girl very much. We love her, don't we?" She peered up through her tears and said, "Yes, we love her, Mommy, but there are more boys and girls that need our help now. We need to be ready to say 'Yes, we can help them!' when they ask us." Of course, that made me cry harder, tears of gratefulness that she understood what this was all about, maybe even better than we did.
I think about that moment whenever people comment or ask about the effect that fostering has on the other, permanent children in the home. I think teaching kids from an early age that sacrificing your own comfort or desires for the ultimate good of another is never a bad thing. It's painful for anyone when there is loss of any kind. It was painful for us, because we wanted things to work out our way for our own little world. Kids are so resilient, though. To Miss A and Little Guy, the uncertainty of having Baby Girl was a fact of life, and one they didn't question. It was natural - and of course, there was NO question about us doing it again. Miss A fully expected each of us to brush ourselves off, jump right back on our horses, and get ready for the next ride.
My hope in sharing this experience is not to appear overly dramatic or emotional, nor is it to ask for pity. We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this journey even before Miss A coming to our home was a reality. About half of the kids in foster care return to their biological families. No matter how things sound at the beginning of a case, things can always change. Putting up with the uncertainty is in the job description. We handled this well on some days and not as well on some days. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it, KNOWING WHAT COULD HAPPEN DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN!
But we'll do it again.
Love and kindness are never wasted.
I can't explain clearly how holding that precious warm bundle of sweetness with her mop of red hair gave us such incredible joy, no matter how short the time was. Life is uncertain in any circumstance. It could have been my biological child that I raised in my own womb and then "lost" two months later. If you have actually experienced the death of a child, my heart cries out in agony for you, because I know my hurt is only a shadow compared with yours. We are blessed to know that Baby Girl is still here on this earth with grandparents who love her. The pain slowly fades, but the memories will never be forgotten. Christ who hung on the cross with all my sin, experiencing the mess of this world with all its pain, was triumphant over it all, and He promises that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
Love you, Baby Girl. May you grow strong and courageous and honorable and compassionate, and always feel His love and ours, even if we never meet again.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Family Match Event 10-19
Today was the family match event put on by the San Antonio Adoption Coalition. It was at a Children's Home at a church near downtown San Antonio. We headed out this morning, a Saturday on which we slept in (eek!) and bought Chik-Fil-A breakfast sandwiches on the way.
We arrived and there was a brief orientation with all of the families. The biggest things the organizers stressed to us was not to discuss adoption or give any false hope to the children. We were just told to enjoy the time and discuss general topics of school and likes/dislikes. If we were interested in a certain child or sibling group, we were to discuss it later with our caseworkers.
It made me wonder about the individual experiences of the children coming to the event. How much was each one told about what was happening? Were they excited? Nervous? Annoyed? Sad to think about leaving their current living situations?
When the children got there at around 10:00 am, we all headed into a gym. Various tables and areas were set up with activities - plastic bowling pins, a ring toss, hula hoops, bean bag toss, basketball and football throws, a clown performing magic tricks, a balloon artist, along with a DJ. We were assigned to help with the bowling table, but there was no person overseeing the shifts, so we meandered around the room with Miss A and Little Guy, checking out the different activities. After about thirty minutes, we went to the table and began helping another couple with the bowling and ring toss.
I counted about forty adults, which I was assuming meant somewhere between twenty and thirty families. One of my wonderings before the event was the ratio of kids to families; would there be way too many families and it would be a "competition" to see who could talk the quickest and smoothest to caseworkers? The Man of the House kept (jokingly) saying that "it's not a competition" (a common quote at our house). It's difficult not to feel anxious, though, when you're waiting for a new addition to your family, and you're in an environment with so many others going through the same experience. Does that sound callous? Please don't think that the event was cutthroat, or that our attitudes were - just an interesting dynamic. Almost everyone was incredibly friendly and eager to chit-chat as we all mingled around the room.
I say ALMOST everyone, because I was uncomfortable a couple of times. I had two women come up and try to talk to Miss A, sizing her up as if she were a potential adoptee. At the beginning of the morning, one lady kept butting in front of me and trying to open a paint bottle for her while Miss A was decorating a pumpkin, then five minutes later she was trying to teach her how to throw a basketball while we were playing together as a family. Now, the adoptive families were all supposed to wear red, and Miss A was properly attired, so it should have been obvious that she was not there to be adopted, but I guess maybe a few people missed the memo. I definitely had a twinge of annoyance and when one (different) woman boldly came up and began asking her questions about herself and then asked me, "So, she IS available, right?" I responded as sweetly as possible, "No, that's my daughter." She apologized and walked away, but a few minutes later, I saw her speaking to another adorable little girl, maybe a year older than Miss A, and then proceed to be glued to that little girl for the rest of the event, as if to state "I'm claiming this one - off limits!"
It sounds so silly and almost embarrassing to be sharing that this was what was going through my mind at the time. However, I am just being honest. I pray for God to give me a good attitude throughout this time, patience with the situation, and His Spirit of peace. It doesn't come naturally to us humans, does it?
We had a good time playing around, and some of the kids were really funny. The ages of the children were what I had expected, though; older than what we could really consider adopting. I saw one or two that looked to be our kids' ages, and the others were school-aged or older. We enjoyed spending time with them, of course, and you can tell how much most of these kids just are sponges for attention and affirmation. One boy behind us in the balloon artist line said he was in 8th grade, and we got onto the subject of Harry Potter and he proceeded to quote Harry Potter lines for the next few minutes. We were cracking up together at everything he said.
It tugs at your heart excruciatingly to see these kids and read information about their lives. With every child, you wonder about their full stories, how they came into care, what experiences have they been forced to face, how they are coping, and on and on. We people with only (somewhat) "normal" dysfunctions in our families can never fully appreciate the hurts these kids have dealt with. Hubs and I have talked about adopting older kids - meaning middle schoolers or teenagers - later on in life. At this point, we're thirty-one and thirty-two years old, and the age difference just isn't big enough. To walk around and observe these kids, knowing how badly they need a family too, and know that it isn't the time yet feels deflating.
At 1:00 pm, it was time to pack up. Cleaning didn't take a long time, so after a quick fix on our alligator balloon from the balloon lady (who was AWESOME, by the way!), we were ready to go. We were all given a booklet with pictures and basic information about the kids who attended the event. The Man of the House and I paged through it on the way home, attempting to read and keep the kids awake so they could have full naps at home (didn't happen).
We ended up sending an e-mail to our caseworker about three possibilities - a sibling group of two (one boy, 5; one girl, 4), another sibling group of two (two girls, 3 and 4), and a three-year-old boy. We let her know of our interest and asked her to let us know about their statuses. We're really hopeful that something will work out with one of the situations, so we'll keep praying.
I've been building this event up in my mind, and hoping that it is the answer to our prayers, the path on which we find the next addition(s?) to our family. I'm working hard on keeping an attitude of trust and peace in what God's will is for our family. He has the exact children planned for our home, and the exact timing of their entrances to it. We are so excited to see what comes next. Please pray for us as we wait. I'll keep updating!
We arrived and there was a brief orientation with all of the families. The biggest things the organizers stressed to us was not to discuss adoption or give any false hope to the children. We were just told to enjoy the time and discuss general topics of school and likes/dislikes. If we were interested in a certain child or sibling group, we were to discuss it later with our caseworkers.
It made me wonder about the individual experiences of the children coming to the event. How much was each one told about what was happening? Were they excited? Nervous? Annoyed? Sad to think about leaving their current living situations?
When the children got there at around 10:00 am, we all headed into a gym. Various tables and areas were set up with activities - plastic bowling pins, a ring toss, hula hoops, bean bag toss, basketball and football throws, a clown performing magic tricks, a balloon artist, along with a DJ. We were assigned to help with the bowling table, but there was no person overseeing the shifts, so we meandered around the room with Miss A and Little Guy, checking out the different activities. After about thirty minutes, we went to the table and began helping another couple with the bowling and ring toss.
I counted about forty adults, which I was assuming meant somewhere between twenty and thirty families. One of my wonderings before the event was the ratio of kids to families; would there be way too many families and it would be a "competition" to see who could talk the quickest and smoothest to caseworkers? The Man of the House kept (jokingly) saying that "it's not a competition" (a common quote at our house). It's difficult not to feel anxious, though, when you're waiting for a new addition to your family, and you're in an environment with so many others going through the same experience. Does that sound callous? Please don't think that the event was cutthroat, or that our attitudes were - just an interesting dynamic. Almost everyone was incredibly friendly and eager to chit-chat as we all mingled around the room.
I say ALMOST everyone, because I was uncomfortable a couple of times. I had two women come up and try to talk to Miss A, sizing her up as if she were a potential adoptee. At the beginning of the morning, one lady kept butting in front of me and trying to open a paint bottle for her while Miss A was decorating a pumpkin, then five minutes later she was trying to teach her how to throw a basketball while we were playing together as a family. Now, the adoptive families were all supposed to wear red, and Miss A was properly attired, so it should have been obvious that she was not there to be adopted, but I guess maybe a few people missed the memo. I definitely had a twinge of annoyance and when one (different) woman boldly came up and began asking her questions about herself and then asked me, "So, she IS available, right?" I responded as sweetly as possible, "No, that's my daughter." She apologized and walked away, but a few minutes later, I saw her speaking to another adorable little girl, maybe a year older than Miss A, and then proceed to be glued to that little girl for the rest of the event, as if to state "I'm claiming this one - off limits!"
It sounds so silly and almost embarrassing to be sharing that this was what was going through my mind at the time. However, I am just being honest. I pray for God to give me a good attitude throughout this time, patience with the situation, and His Spirit of peace. It doesn't come naturally to us humans, does it?
We had a good time playing around, and some of the kids were really funny. The ages of the children were what I had expected, though; older than what we could really consider adopting. I saw one or two that looked to be our kids' ages, and the others were school-aged or older. We enjoyed spending time with them, of course, and you can tell how much most of these kids just are sponges for attention and affirmation. One boy behind us in the balloon artist line said he was in 8th grade, and we got onto the subject of Harry Potter and he proceeded to quote Harry Potter lines for the next few minutes. We were cracking up together at everything he said.
It tugs at your heart excruciatingly to see these kids and read information about their lives. With every child, you wonder about their full stories, how they came into care, what experiences have they been forced to face, how they are coping, and on and on. We people with only (somewhat) "normal" dysfunctions in our families can never fully appreciate the hurts these kids have dealt with. Hubs and I have talked about adopting older kids - meaning middle schoolers or teenagers - later on in life. At this point, we're thirty-one and thirty-two years old, and the age difference just isn't big enough. To walk around and observe these kids, knowing how badly they need a family too, and know that it isn't the time yet feels deflating.
At 1:00 pm, it was time to pack up. Cleaning didn't take a long time, so after a quick fix on our alligator balloon from the balloon lady (who was AWESOME, by the way!), we were ready to go. We were all given a booklet with pictures and basic information about the kids who attended the event. The Man of the House and I paged through it on the way home, attempting to read and keep the kids awake so they could have full naps at home (didn't happen).
We ended up sending an e-mail to our caseworker about three possibilities - a sibling group of two (one boy, 5; one girl, 4), another sibling group of two (two girls, 3 and 4), and a three-year-old boy. We let her know of our interest and asked her to let us know about their statuses. We're really hopeful that something will work out with one of the situations, so we'll keep praying.
I've been building this event up in my mind, and hoping that it is the answer to our prayers, the path on which we find the next addition(s?) to our family. I'm working hard on keeping an attitude of trust and peace in what God's will is for our family. He has the exact children planned for our home, and the exact timing of their entrances to it. We are so excited to see what comes next. Please pray for us as we wait. I'll keep updating!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Little Guy's Story
Previously in family fostering history...
The Man of the House and I had fostered Miss A and learned we would be adopting her. We had fostered Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy and learned they would be going home. I've talked in previous posts about how we respect the decisions made regarding the outcome of our cases, even if we don't agree with those outcomes. We support the foster care system and want to do our part, and understand the risks involved. That didn't make it easy to say good-bye to Spunk Girl and Preemie Boy. It was disheartening and discouraging at the time. Our placement caseworker asked us if we wanted further placements, and, after discussing it, we expressed to her that at that time we needed a bit of time to enjoy loving on Miss A. We would be interested in another placement in the future after we had time to grieve and reflect on where our journey had taken us over the past year.
October, November, December, and January went by. Miss A's third birthday came and went in January. The Man of the House and I had a talk one night that we might be feeling up to contacting our caseworker and letting her know we were available for a placement.
A few days later, I received a CALL at school from the caseworker. She had a four-month-old Hispanic baby boy who needed emergency placement that day. Were we willing to take him in? I said yes, and actually first called our favorite retired-school-teacher-child-care-provider, Mrs. C, who had watched Preemie Boy for a while for us, just to see if she could care for Little Guy for a while, until we could get daycare figured out. After that, I ran to find The Man of the House. :-) He was extremely excited, obviously ready to enjoy having another boy around the house.
When Little Guy arrived at our house, he was all beautiful cocoa skin and big eyes. I had had enough time for a blazing race through Target for diapers, wipes, formula, and maybe three outfits. We already had some baby boy bedding from when Preemie Boy was with us. His clothes, however, were way too small for our new four-month-old. (Thankfully, our Pastor's wife and another church friend brought over some clothes, both grandmas came through, and we had some other clothes given by The Man of the House's cousin. God is great!)
What I remember most about those first few days was how much Little Guy CRIED!!!! During that whole first day, I don't think he slept one minute, but shrieked and wailed the entire time as I tried to soothe and calm him. By the second or third day, things were much better. It is completely obvious that even babies are incredibly aware of their surroundings and aware when things are shaken up. I can't imagine being that little and already living in three different homes - how earthshaking that must be.
Little guy's situation was complicated. His birthfather was never in the picture. His teenaged birthmother was also in care away from home. She and her family had decided to place Little Guy outside their home for his safety, based on various risks at that place. This placement wasn't actually a family member, or even a friend, but an unofficial placement with a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend situation that wasn't working out. Little Guy had developed some medical issues at his new placement, where he had lived for the past two months. The thought in placing him with us was that they were giving this other placement some time to "clear her name" so to speak, and show that the placement was deemed safe enough to be officially approved by the department. He would probably go back quickly, but nothing was set in stone.
There were court hearings and appearances over the next few months. Little Guy grew bigger and very attached to us. At each court day, there were no updates on the status of the former placement, but the caseworkers were happy with his care at our home, so he stayed. Finally, four months later, the judge ordered him to stay with us throughout his birthmom's case, as further changes would be too much of an uprooting for him.
Several months later, his birthmother came to court and wanted to talk with me. She said she had decided she wanted us to adopt Little Guy and was ready to terminate her rights and end the case. She said the sweetest, kindest things to me about how we had done so much for him and she felt so comfortable with us and was so happy for our family. In the blink of an eye, this case that began so complicated-like seemed to resolve itself without a murmur.
Of course, the judge wouldn't allow her to sign the papers that day, but asked her to contemplate this big decision and wait until the next hearing. Her mind did not change, and two months later, we were beginning the adoptive placement of Little Guy's time with us.
We kept in contact with his birthmother, even taking her out to eat for Little Guy's second birthday. We have no real worries about continuing this relationship; she is just a young girl who was being swept up in the choices her family members had made. She is working hard to make a life for herself. We feel compassion and overwhelming gratitude for her courage and generosity towards our family. She gave us a wonderful gift for which we are humbly thankful.
This past year, she was placed in another new placement (her third since Little Guy's birth) and we have lost contact. We have heard that she is not doing as well in her personal life, and are refraining from contact at this point until she is better.
Little Guy's adoption became official in our town in December 2012. The judge was not our regular judge, and not even a family court or adoption judge. He told us this was a rare treat for him from his criminal cases and asked for a picture with us, which he promised was going on his office wall. We had a great time with family and celebrated with a yummy lunch together.
Miss A adjusted immediately to Little Guy's coming, and they have been inseparable. They are siblings through and through and, besides their outward appearances, one would never guess that they weren't genetically related. They hug on each other and wrestle each other, and never forget to thank God for each other in their prayers. We were truly blessed with this addition to our family.
The Man of the House and I had fostered Miss A and learned we would be adopting her. We had fostered Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy and learned they would be going home. I've talked in previous posts about how we respect the decisions made regarding the outcome of our cases, even if we don't agree with those outcomes. We support the foster care system and want to do our part, and understand the risks involved. That didn't make it easy to say good-bye to Spunk Girl and Preemie Boy. It was disheartening and discouraging at the time. Our placement caseworker asked us if we wanted further placements, and, after discussing it, we expressed to her that at that time we needed a bit of time to enjoy loving on Miss A. We would be interested in another placement in the future after we had time to grieve and reflect on where our journey had taken us over the past year.
October, November, December, and January went by. Miss A's third birthday came and went in January. The Man of the House and I had a talk one night that we might be feeling up to contacting our caseworker and letting her know we were available for a placement.
A few days later, I received a CALL at school from the caseworker. She had a four-month-old Hispanic baby boy who needed emergency placement that day. Were we willing to take him in? I said yes, and actually first called our favorite retired-school-teacher-child-care-provider, Mrs. C, who had watched Preemie Boy for a while for us, just to see if she could care for Little Guy for a while, until we could get daycare figured out. After that, I ran to find The Man of the House. :-) He was extremely excited, obviously ready to enjoy having another boy around the house.
When Little Guy arrived at our house, he was all beautiful cocoa skin and big eyes. I had had enough time for a blazing race through Target for diapers, wipes, formula, and maybe three outfits. We already had some baby boy bedding from when Preemie Boy was with us. His clothes, however, were way too small for our new four-month-old. (Thankfully, our Pastor's wife and another church friend brought over some clothes, both grandmas came through, and we had some other clothes given by The Man of the House's cousin. God is great!)
What I remember most about those first few days was how much Little Guy CRIED!!!! During that whole first day, I don't think he slept one minute, but shrieked and wailed the entire time as I tried to soothe and calm him. By the second or third day, things were much better. It is completely obvious that even babies are incredibly aware of their surroundings and aware when things are shaken up. I can't imagine being that little and already living in three different homes - how earthshaking that must be.
Little guy's situation was complicated. His birthfather was never in the picture. His teenaged birthmother was also in care away from home. She and her family had decided to place Little Guy outside their home for his safety, based on various risks at that place. This placement wasn't actually a family member, or even a friend, but an unofficial placement with a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend situation that wasn't working out. Little Guy had developed some medical issues at his new placement, where he had lived for the past two months. The thought in placing him with us was that they were giving this other placement some time to "clear her name" so to speak, and show that the placement was deemed safe enough to be officially approved by the department. He would probably go back quickly, but nothing was set in stone.
There were court hearings and appearances over the next few months. Little Guy grew bigger and very attached to us. At each court day, there were no updates on the status of the former placement, but the caseworkers were happy with his care at our home, so he stayed. Finally, four months later, the judge ordered him to stay with us throughout his birthmom's case, as further changes would be too much of an uprooting for him.
Several months later, his birthmother came to court and wanted to talk with me. She said she had decided she wanted us to adopt Little Guy and was ready to terminate her rights and end the case. She said the sweetest, kindest things to me about how we had done so much for him and she felt so comfortable with us and was so happy for our family. In the blink of an eye, this case that began so complicated-like seemed to resolve itself without a murmur.
Of course, the judge wouldn't allow her to sign the papers that day, but asked her to contemplate this big decision and wait until the next hearing. Her mind did not change, and two months later, we were beginning the adoptive placement of Little Guy's time with us.
We kept in contact with his birthmother, even taking her out to eat for Little Guy's second birthday. We have no real worries about continuing this relationship; she is just a young girl who was being swept up in the choices her family members had made. She is working hard to make a life for herself. We feel compassion and overwhelming gratitude for her courage and generosity towards our family. She gave us a wonderful gift for which we are humbly thankful.
This past year, she was placed in another new placement (her third since Little Guy's birth) and we have lost contact. We have heard that she is not doing as well in her personal life, and are refraining from contact at this point until she is better.
Little Guy's adoption became official in our town in December 2012. The judge was not our regular judge, and not even a family court or adoption judge. He told us this was a rare treat for him from his criminal cases and asked for a picture with us, which he promised was going on his office wall. We had a great time with family and celebrated with a yummy lunch together.
Miss A adjusted immediately to Little Guy's coming, and they have been inseparable. They are siblings through and through and, besides their outward appearances, one would never guess that they weren't genetically related. They hug on each other and wrestle each other, and never forget to thank God for each other in their prayers. We were truly blessed with this addition to our family.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (gluten free)
Now, I am not eating gluten free at the moment. I do not envision this blog to be a place where I post lots of recipes. I do however have a friend who was diagnosed with Celiac's disease this summer. I hosted Bible Study at my house (first in the new home!) last week, and I was looking for some goodies to serve that she could eat. I came across this recipe and made it, because, well, who doesn't like peanut butter and chocolate?
When they were finished and I tried one, I was AMAZED. They are incredible! I usually slightly underbake my cookies so you get that Ooey-Gooey-Chewy texture, but these have it naturally since they don't contain any flour. They are rich and moist and a great combination of the peanut butter and chocolate. I could eat several in one sitting... and did. (And... confession... then Little Guy and I made them again the next week and had more!) Enjoy!
Just look at that cookie dough... all ready to be baked...
Up close and personal...
And ready to eat!
When they were finished and I tried one, I was AMAZED. They are incredible! I usually slightly underbake my cookies so you get that Ooey-Gooey-Chewy texture, but these have it naturally since they don't contain any flour. They are rich and moist and a great combination of the peanut butter and chocolate. I could eat several in one sitting... and did. (And... confession... then Little Guy and I made them again the next week and had more!) Enjoy!
Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies
1-1/4 cups peanut butter (I used smooth)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 large egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup mini chocolate chips or a chopped up chocolate bar
1. Preheat
your oven to 350.
2. In a large bowl or your mixer, mix the peanut butter, sugar, egg, and vanilla until smooth and creamy.
3. Add the chocolate chips.
4. Mold the dough into 1 tablespoon-sized balls and place 2" apart on the cookie sheet.
5. Bake 13-15 minutes, until the bottoms are golden brown, and the tops begin to solidify but are still soft in the middle.
6. Cool them on the cookie sheet for a few minutes until firmed up, then remove to cool completely. (Or eat them while they are still warm and gooey!)
I was feeling artsy, so here are some pics of the cookies in their formation:
Just sitting... waiting to be baked... You can see that the size of cookies I formed turned out to be a little over two dozen total cookies.
2. In a large bowl or your mixer, mix the peanut butter, sugar, egg, and vanilla until smooth and creamy.
3. Add the chocolate chips.
4. Mold the dough into 1 tablespoon-sized balls and place 2" apart on the cookie sheet.
5. Bake 13-15 minutes, until the bottoms are golden brown, and the tops begin to solidify but are still soft in the middle.
6. Cool them on the cookie sheet for a few minutes until firmed up, then remove to cool completely. (Or eat them while they are still warm and gooey!)
I was feeling artsy, so here are some pics of the cookies in their formation:
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Preemie Boy's Story
Here is another installment of "Stories from the Trenches", AKA general sketches of our fostering journey. I mentioned in a previous post that Spunky Girl had a baby brother we also fostered. Here is the short story of his time in our lives:
When we had been caring for Spunky Girl for about three or four months, the CASA worker called me after one of the supervised Friday visits with the birthparents. She told me that the birthmother had announced that she was pregnant and expecting to give birth to a baby boy in August.
As a sinful human being, this floored me - in a bad way. Still dealing with the sting and scars of our infertility struggle (the emotional effects of which will never completely go away), it seemed completely unfair for someone who has had their children taken away from them to be able to conceive children when we "normal", "nice" people could not. (Please note my use of quotations! I know there is nothing completely and inherently "normal" or "nice" about pretty much any of us! These are just the thoughts that went through my head at the time.)
Our next question was: "Would we be asked to care for this child as well?" It was inconceivable to us that a couple with children already removed would be allowed to have an infant in their home. The state keeps siblings together whenever possible, so we assumed we would be first on the list for his placement if he was removed from his birthparents' custody. This was a complex issue, because we were still adjusting to having two kids - would we be ready for a third so quickly? How could we say no?
It turns out those thoughts were a little premature. Surprisingly (to us), Spunky Girl's caseworker had not decided to remove yet, and "probably wouldn't", she said. Keep in mind that this was the new caseworker who turned the case towards reunification from the original goal of termination and adoption. She told us that the custody of Spunky Girl was still up in the air, and if she was going to go back anyway, why place the baby into care, just to return a short time later? Regardless, she told us, no decisions would be made until the baby was born.
We were kept somewhat in the dark about any future plans. We didn't hear about how prenatal care was going, if the department had reached any conclusions about the situation. It was mentioned briefly in court, and I have to add that the judge chided the birth couple, saying, "How in the world you thought having another child together when one is in custody and your others have been removed previously is beyond me."
During the first week of June, we were alerted by the CASA worker that Preemie Boy had been born several days before, two months early, and was in the NICU 45 minutes away. We were never spoken to about this birth by Spunky Girl's caseworker, I might add. Nothing more was said, just that the birth was difficult and their were some serious effects of him being so early, so he would be staying there for a while.
At the end of July, we received a call from a CPS investigator. Preemie boy was going to be released from the hospital in a few days. The decision had been made by the Investigations Department to remove him, and as the caregivers of an older sibling, we were being asked to take him in. We agreed, of course, and visited him twice in the NICU. He needed extra special care because of his early arrival and some other pretty serious medical conditions. We learned about these special conditions, and particular feeding and care methods from the nurses.
When you hold any baby for the first time, you always feel amazed at how small they were. With this little guy being so tiny, it was actually scary during the first moments we held him. I remember literally thinking I would hurt him just by holding him wrong. Preemie clothes seemed to swim on him. The little mittens for his hands fell off every few minutes. He was amazingly precious and we ate up every second we got to snuggle with him.
A tricky part of this was that our visits were arranged to avoid any contact with the birthparents at the hospital. They were not visiting often, but they did not know they were about to lose custody (neither did Spunky Girl's caseworker, we found out later). The day we got to take him home, we barely missed them appearing and had to be rerouted out a side entrance, escorted by several security and police officers.
Preemie Boy had to eat every 2.5 hours. Because of his issues, he ate incredibly slowly, so it could take 45 - 60 minutes to get an ounce into his little tummy. The Man of the House was wonderful taking turns all through the day and night to make sure we both had chances to rest. We were so blessed that he arrived at our house in the summer. We were able to catch some naps during the day at least!
He continued to thrive and grow, and began eating every 3 hours, then 3.5, then four. As the weeks plowed on, we grew attached to this precious gift of God, yet, at the same time, were hearing more and more that the case was cementing in favor of reunification for the children with their birthparents. We worried and prayed and worried and prayed.
The day The Man of the House attended the final court hearing to make the official decision about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy, I was actually in court an hour away at Miss A's final court hearing; they occurred on the same day. One reunification decision, one termination decision. It was bittersweet to hear in one breath that we would be parents forever to one child, yet be saying good-bye to two others. Our lives had changed drastically in eleven months - no children, one child, two, three, then back to one.
Some may point out that we knew it wasn't a certain thing that they would stay, that we knew what we were signing up for. I agree with that statement, but it doesn't make it any less painful. When you are in a foster-adopt placement, the idea is that, even if the court hasn't officially terminated the birthparents' rights, it is a good possibility that will happen and plans are being made for an alternate future. You can't help but hope, and dream, and make (tentative) plans for that future.
The decision made was to begin phasing Spunky Girl back immediately over the course of about a week. Medically, Preemie Boy was still fragile and there were still concerns as to his ability to thrive with birthparents. It was agreed that he would stay with us for a short period of time. Spunky Girl spent one night with her birthparents, then came back to us for a night, then spent two nights there, and then two nights back with us before officially being moved permanently back with her birthparents. It was a very rough week. We could see how confused and uprooted she must have been feeling. We heard things in her casual comments about her "other home" that scared us, keeping alive our worries about the home situation. We had no choice but to pray our hearts out. Three or four weeks later, at another court hearing, Preemie Boy was ordered to return as well. This placement happened virtually immediately; the caseworker followed me home from court, where I had a bag packed with his things, and we said goodbye that same afternoon.
God shook us to our cores when Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy were placed back with their birthparents. We struggled with anger, disbelief, confusion, and anxiety for their future. Let me stress - IT WAS NOT EASY! IT WAS NOT FUN! IT WAS NOT THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLANNED IT!
When we had been caring for Spunky Girl for about three or four months, the CASA worker called me after one of the supervised Friday visits with the birthparents. She told me that the birthmother had announced that she was pregnant and expecting to give birth to a baby boy in August.
As a sinful human being, this floored me - in a bad way. Still dealing with the sting and scars of our infertility struggle (the emotional effects of which will never completely go away), it seemed completely unfair for someone who has had their children taken away from them to be able to conceive children when we "normal", "nice" people could not. (Please note my use of quotations! I know there is nothing completely and inherently "normal" or "nice" about pretty much any of us! These are just the thoughts that went through my head at the time.)
Our next question was: "Would we be asked to care for this child as well?" It was inconceivable to us that a couple with children already removed would be allowed to have an infant in their home. The state keeps siblings together whenever possible, so we assumed we would be first on the list for his placement if he was removed from his birthparents' custody. This was a complex issue, because we were still adjusting to having two kids - would we be ready for a third so quickly? How could we say no?
It turns out those thoughts were a little premature. Surprisingly (to us), Spunky Girl's caseworker had not decided to remove yet, and "probably wouldn't", she said. Keep in mind that this was the new caseworker who turned the case towards reunification from the original goal of termination and adoption. She told us that the custody of Spunky Girl was still up in the air, and if she was going to go back anyway, why place the baby into care, just to return a short time later? Regardless, she told us, no decisions would be made until the baby was born.
We were kept somewhat in the dark about any future plans. We didn't hear about how prenatal care was going, if the department had reached any conclusions about the situation. It was mentioned briefly in court, and I have to add that the judge chided the birth couple, saying, "How in the world you thought having another child together when one is in custody and your others have been removed previously is beyond me."
During the first week of June, we were alerted by the CASA worker that Preemie Boy had been born several days before, two months early, and was in the NICU 45 minutes away. We were never spoken to about this birth by Spunky Girl's caseworker, I might add. Nothing more was said, just that the birth was difficult and their were some serious effects of him being so early, so he would be staying there for a while.
At the end of July, we received a call from a CPS investigator. Preemie boy was going to be released from the hospital in a few days. The decision had been made by the Investigations Department to remove him, and as the caregivers of an older sibling, we were being asked to take him in. We agreed, of course, and visited him twice in the NICU. He needed extra special care because of his early arrival and some other pretty serious medical conditions. We learned about these special conditions, and particular feeding and care methods from the nurses.
When you hold any baby for the first time, you always feel amazed at how small they were. With this little guy being so tiny, it was actually scary during the first moments we held him. I remember literally thinking I would hurt him just by holding him wrong. Preemie clothes seemed to swim on him. The little mittens for his hands fell off every few minutes. He was amazingly precious and we ate up every second we got to snuggle with him.
A tricky part of this was that our visits were arranged to avoid any contact with the birthparents at the hospital. They were not visiting often, but they did not know they were about to lose custody (neither did Spunky Girl's caseworker, we found out later). The day we got to take him home, we barely missed them appearing and had to be rerouted out a side entrance, escorted by several security and police officers.
Preemie Boy had to eat every 2.5 hours. Because of his issues, he ate incredibly slowly, so it could take 45 - 60 minutes to get an ounce into his little tummy. The Man of the House was wonderful taking turns all through the day and night to make sure we both had chances to rest. We were so blessed that he arrived at our house in the summer. We were able to catch some naps during the day at least!
He continued to thrive and grow, and began eating every 3 hours, then 3.5, then four. As the weeks plowed on, we grew attached to this precious gift of God, yet, at the same time, were hearing more and more that the case was cementing in favor of reunification for the children with their birthparents. We worried and prayed and worried and prayed.
The day The Man of the House attended the final court hearing to make the official decision about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy, I was actually in court an hour away at Miss A's final court hearing; they occurred on the same day. One reunification decision, one termination decision. It was bittersweet to hear in one breath that we would be parents forever to one child, yet be saying good-bye to two others. Our lives had changed drastically in eleven months - no children, one child, two, three, then back to one.
Some may point out that we knew it wasn't a certain thing that they would stay, that we knew what we were signing up for. I agree with that statement, but it doesn't make it any less painful. When you are in a foster-adopt placement, the idea is that, even if the court hasn't officially terminated the birthparents' rights, it is a good possibility that will happen and plans are being made for an alternate future. You can't help but hope, and dream, and make (tentative) plans for that future.
The decision made was to begin phasing Spunky Girl back immediately over the course of about a week. Medically, Preemie Boy was still fragile and there were still concerns as to his ability to thrive with birthparents. It was agreed that he would stay with us for a short period of time. Spunky Girl spent one night with her birthparents, then came back to us for a night, then spent two nights there, and then two nights back with us before officially being moved permanently back with her birthparents. It was a very rough week. We could see how confused and uprooted she must have been feeling. We heard things in her casual comments about her "other home" that scared us, keeping alive our worries about the home situation. We had no choice but to pray our hearts out. Three or four weeks later, at another court hearing, Preemie Boy was ordered to return as well. This placement happened virtually immediately; the caseworker followed me home from court, where I had a bag packed with his things, and we said goodbye that same afternoon.
God shook us to our cores when Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy were placed back with their birthparents. We struggled with anger, disbelief, confusion, and anxiety for their future. Let me stress - IT WAS NOT EASY! IT WAS NOT FUN! IT WAS NOT THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLANNED IT!
But we're not in control. God reminded us of that in this situation. It sounds so trite to say, but sometimes the simple answers are the best. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) I repeated these words over and over again to myself whenever I felt that sinful voice inside me yelling, "But it's not fair! What about US?"
When it comes down to it, we did what we set out to do: provide love and care for children. If we had biological children, they could leave us at any time, if God willed it to be their time to go to Him. Nothing is guaranteed on this earth. As long as there is sin, there will be pain and suffering. We can always ask, "Why?" But, I've learned, the reasons behind our sufferings and struggles are not as important as our response and the growth that comes through them. We are called to point to God in every situation, being obedient to Him and trusting NO MATTER WHAT.
We are not allowed legally to know any information about Spunky Girl and Preemie Boy at this point. I know they are in His hands, and continue to be, as are we and our ever-growing/ever-changing family.
Monday, October 7, 2013
What am I expected to do as a foster parent?
In case you're curious about the logistics of being a foster parent, I wanted to lay it out here. Besides the love and care you need to give, here are the other expectations the state of Texas requires:
To Become Licensed -
To Stay Licensed -
Annual Trainings: (all free, but usually without childcare provided)
Every Two Years:
Once a Placement has Occurred -
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! :-)
To Become Licensed -
- 36 hours of PRIDE training classes through the CPS office
- Fire Department Inspection
- Health Department Inspection
- Home Study completed
- Lots of paperwork (personal information, emergency plans, references, discipline policy, etc.)
- TB tests on everyone on the household
- Background checks on all adults in the household (from every state in which you have resided)
To Stay Licensed -
Annual Trainings: (all free, but usually without childcare provided)
- Behavioral Intervention
- Communicable Diseases
- Psychotropic Medications
- Trauma Training
- Water Safety
Every Two Years:
- CPR / First Aid Training
- Fire Department Inspection
- Health Department Inspection
Once a Placement has Occurred -
- Continued monthly placement caseworker visits/inspections (to maintain minimum standards of the home)
- Monthly visits/inspections by the child's caseworker
- Monthly visits by the child's CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) worker (or similar, if applicable)
- Monthly reports
- Medical forms
- For any doctor/dentist visit
- For any non-prescription medicine
- For any prescription medicine
- Making sure foster children are present for visits with birth family (usually weekly, in some cases, twice a month)
- Making sure foster children are present for any therapy that is scheduled (cognitive, emotional, speech, physical, etc.)
- Court appearances every 6-12 weeks, depending on schedule determined by the department and the lawyers involved, and the court's availability
- Occasional meetings with child's court-assigned lawyer
- And The Other More Ambiguous Requirements, Like...
- Keeping a relatively clean and organized home (Everyone knows having kids in your home makes this a challenge, but you at least must make the effort for appearance's sake! People are in and out of your home all of the time!)
- Ensuring their success in school / education endeavors
- Helping foster healthy socialization and relationships
- Involving them in regular, age-appropriate extra-curricular / play activities
- Taking LOTS of pictures and documenting this time for the child's Life Book.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! :-)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Why We're Up for Almost Anything
I spoke about this topic in a previous post, but I wanted to go into more detail about it today.
There are many reasons to NOT foster children. Your home may feel complete already (or too full), you may not be in a place with jobs to give time to another child, you may be scared of the possibility of the children returning back to their birth families.
Some people are not interested in foster care because of the vast spectrum of "issues" that have affected / are affecting children who are removed from their biological homes. I've had people say, "You're going to end up with a kid who has been exposed to drugs," or "They probably have been abused," or, "They'll have all kinds of behavioral issues," unfortunately, even, "You can't control which race of kid you end up with." My answers are always: "Yes!" and "So?"
We have decided that our stance on placements is to be open. If God put it in the minds of our caseworker to contact us, we'll trust that it was because of His intervention. We want to care for and love on the kids, period. I'm the one who gets THE CALLS since I'm more readily available during the day than my husband. The Man of the House has pretty much given me carte blanche to accept any child about whom we are contacted. Barring a huge and obvious reason to decline, we've decided that we won't say no to a placement.
That may seem scary, to accept a new addition to your family on a moment's notice, and it is, but we believe firmly that we are being called to this path in life. That means we accept how God wants the path to be, not how we originally thought it would be.
Yes, the kids who need foster care placements have "histories". These kids were removed from their homes for serious reasons. Many of them have dealt with the effects of substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse, and neglect. We've seen and experienced a lot through our fostered and adopted kids. And the race issue is a whole other post, but yes, a child presented to you for fostering might not be "your" race.
This is the thought that tears at our hearts: If not us, then who? If everyone had the mindset that, yes, these kids need homes, but someone else will be better at it, then nobody would come forward to help.
The Man of the House and I have had tough situations because of what our children went through before they came to us. It's difficult to watch, and difficult to help guide and grow a child who has seen or experienced more than they should have. Yet, there is love. There are moments of sunshine that make it all worth it. It wasn't easy, but you keep the ultimate goal in mind: there's remembering that you gave a child a safe place, even if for a little while. Obviously you hope and pray that the children stay with you permanently. However, even if they leave, you know you played a part in the rehabilitation of their parents. Without that time for them to work and get the help they need, the situation might be even more dangerous.
If you are thinking about fostering, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, even if I don't know you at this moment in time. It is a tough path to choose, I know. But doable - the obstacles are not insurmountable! If you have any anxieties about what you're getting into, or any questions, please feel free to message me.
As we wait for our next placement, we trust in God that He will direct the path of the little one(s) coming to our home. We ask for strength and patience to deal with any situation He hands to us. We know "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)
There are many reasons to NOT foster children. Your home may feel complete already (or too full), you may not be in a place with jobs to give time to another child, you may be scared of the possibility of the children returning back to their birth families.
Some people are not interested in foster care because of the vast spectrum of "issues" that have affected / are affecting children who are removed from their biological homes. I've had people say, "You're going to end up with a kid who has been exposed to drugs," or "They probably have been abused," or, "They'll have all kinds of behavioral issues," unfortunately, even, "You can't control which race of kid you end up with." My answers are always: "Yes!" and "So?"
We have decided that our stance on placements is to be open. If God put it in the minds of our caseworker to contact us, we'll trust that it was because of His intervention. We want to care for and love on the kids, period. I'm the one who gets THE CALLS since I'm more readily available during the day than my husband. The Man of the House has pretty much given me carte blanche to accept any child about whom we are contacted. Barring a huge and obvious reason to decline, we've decided that we won't say no to a placement.
That may seem scary, to accept a new addition to your family on a moment's notice, and it is, but we believe firmly that we are being called to this path in life. That means we accept how God wants the path to be, not how we originally thought it would be.
Yes, the kids who need foster care placements have "histories". These kids were removed from their homes for serious reasons. Many of them have dealt with the effects of substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse, and neglect. We've seen and experienced a lot through our fostered and adopted kids. And the race issue is a whole other post, but yes, a child presented to you for fostering might not be "your" race.
This is the thought that tears at our hearts: If not us, then who? If everyone had the mindset that, yes, these kids need homes, but someone else will be better at it, then nobody would come forward to help.
The Man of the House and I have had tough situations because of what our children went through before they came to us. It's difficult to watch, and difficult to help guide and grow a child who has seen or experienced more than they should have. Yet, there is love. There are moments of sunshine that make it all worth it. It wasn't easy, but you keep the ultimate goal in mind: there's remembering that you gave a child a safe place, even if for a little while. Obviously you hope and pray that the children stay with you permanently. However, even if they leave, you know you played a part in the rehabilitation of their parents. Without that time for them to work and get the help they need, the situation might be even more dangerous.
If you are thinking about fostering, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, even if I don't know you at this moment in time. It is a tough path to choose, I know. But doable - the obstacles are not insurmountable! If you have any anxieties about what you're getting into, or any questions, please feel free to message me.
As we wait for our next placement, we trust in God that He will direct the path of the little one(s) coming to our home. We ask for strength and patience to deal with any situation He hands to us. We know "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Spunky Girl's Story
I'm going to jot down remembrances of all five of our foster placements when I get the chance. Here's installment number two: Spunky Girl! I will not be using her real name as she is no longer with us.
When we had been caring for Miss A four months, I received A CALL in the middle of a work day. While the last placement contact gave us a couple of weeks to prepare, this one was different: "Are you interested in a three-year-old girl? Yes? Okay, she's here at the office - when can you come get her?" I had time to run home and race through a quick clean-up of the house before I went to the office.
(Yes, I did this after letting my husband know about the call! A note on this: we have decided that our stance on placements is to be open. If God put it in the minds of our caseworker to contact us, we'll trust that it was because of His intervention. We want to care for and love on the kids, period. That may seem scary, to accept a new addition to your family on a moment's notice, but we believe firmly that we are being called to this life. The Man of the House has pretty much given me carte blanche to accept any child about whom we are contacted. Barring a huge and obvious reason to decline, we've decided won't say no to a placement.)
Spunky Girl, I was told, had quite a personality and lots of energy. When I arrived at the caseworker's office, I knew immediately which child she was: the one sprinting through the halls, shrieking with laughter, and knocking things off of the desks. It's funny now how at the moment, this didn't intimidate or worry me - I just saw a little one who needed love and a home. The Man of the House and Miss A arrived after school. We had our first dinner as a family at Mr. Gatti's Pizza.
Spunky Girl's story was different than Miss A's: her biological parents were our age, whereas Miss A's were much older. We also had major security and privacy concerns in agreeing to her placement, which opened our eyes to this reality. We weren't paranoid or unhealthily afraid, but we were definitely needing to make sure we were all safe for various serious reasons.
Spunky Girl had visits every Friday with her parents. They affected her strangely every time - obviously it would be confusing to be living in two different worlds and have two different families, and having the visits would revive all of that in her mind. Yet, her behavior would worsen dramatically, and her sleep would be disrupted all weekend. After a few days, it would be back to normal as she received comfort in our home routine (at least, in our humble opinion, that's how we saw it). It was a challenge we needed to face to help her deal with her situation, as much as her three-year-old soul could handle.
At these visits, Spunky Girl was blessed to have a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker. Having a CASA was a terrific help. They are there only in the best interests of the children, outside of court or caseworkers, to give an unbiased assessment of the case. Mrs. J loved Spunky Girl as much as we did. She brought her presents and treats, hugged her and loved on her, and always gave me updates on where the case was. I appreciated her contact immensely.
When Spunky Girl had been with us several months, her parents announced they were expecting in the summer. I will cover the story of Little Guy in an upcoming post.
With only a few months left to go until the case would be finished, and Spunky Girl's permanent situation would be decided, her caseworker left to take a different position in the department. Up until this point, the goal for the placement was termination of parental rights and adoption by non-family members (meaning us). The new caseworker had some differing perspectives on the case and began moving abruptly towards reunification with the birth family.
The plain fact is that the parents have a certain list of "services" to complete, including, lots of times, therapy, parenting classes, sobriety (obviously), random drug tests, successful supervised visitations with their children, etc. If they are "completing" their services, the caseworkers will reunify.
I won't go into details about why we were so against these children going back - and it had nothing to do with a territorial or defensive "wanting to keep" them. It had nothing to do with economic status or "benefits" we could offer that the other parents could not. Our concerns were of the ambiguous, subjective type (the negative environment they lived in, the lack of parenting skills, the lack of affection or attachment shown) as well as serious concerns for the safety of the children, given the history of the parents. In their past, their other children had all been removed permanently and had not been reunified. "How can this time possibly be any different?" we wondered. However, we were told that history is history, and if things are okay for the time being, and for the entirety of the case, there is no choice but to reunify. If there are no specific, identifiable, objective current problems, the kids go back.
Our worries increased after the reunification when we heard through the grapevine that, at the three-week follow-up hearing, the parents had already had two calls claiming concerns about them to the CPS office from neighbors. Yet, within three months, the case was dismissed completely from the court system and, legally, CPS does not and cannot monitor them unless something serious occurs. We are not allowed to know anything about the kids at this point. (Believe me, I've asked!:-))
As you read this, please do not just hear bitter rumblings. I know that I have a bias in this situation, assuming (arrogantly) that my home was a "better" place for the children. God always knows what is happening in His world. He sees hurt and pain - on all sides. Nothing about fostering is easy for anyone. Having children leave your home - whether removed TO a foster home or removed to go BACK FROM a foster home, there is difficulty. I learned compassion, and to refrain from immediate judgment of others. Do I think the kids would have thrived in our home? Yes! Now, what's done is done, and from the time they left us, we prayed continually for their parents - for strength, wisdom, and love. God gives us new starts every day, and we realize how blessed we were to be part of helping someone else obtain a new start with their family.
When we had been caring for Miss A four months, I received A CALL in the middle of a work day. While the last placement contact gave us a couple of weeks to prepare, this one was different: "Are you interested in a three-year-old girl? Yes? Okay, she's here at the office - when can you come get her?" I had time to run home and race through a quick clean-up of the house before I went to the office.
(Yes, I did this after letting my husband know about the call! A note on this: we have decided that our stance on placements is to be open. If God put it in the minds of our caseworker to contact us, we'll trust that it was because of His intervention. We want to care for and love on the kids, period. That may seem scary, to accept a new addition to your family on a moment's notice, but we believe firmly that we are being called to this life. The Man of the House has pretty much given me carte blanche to accept any child about whom we are contacted. Barring a huge and obvious reason to decline, we've decided won't say no to a placement.)
Spunky Girl, I was told, had quite a personality and lots of energy. When I arrived at the caseworker's office, I knew immediately which child she was: the one sprinting through the halls, shrieking with laughter, and knocking things off of the desks. It's funny now how at the moment, this didn't intimidate or worry me - I just saw a little one who needed love and a home. The Man of the House and Miss A arrived after school. We had our first dinner as a family at Mr. Gatti's Pizza.
Spunky Girl's story was different than Miss A's: her biological parents were our age, whereas Miss A's were much older. We also had major security and privacy concerns in agreeing to her placement, which opened our eyes to this reality. We weren't paranoid or unhealthily afraid, but we were definitely needing to make sure we were all safe for various serious reasons.
Spunky Girl had visits every Friday with her parents. They affected her strangely every time - obviously it would be confusing to be living in two different worlds and have two different families, and having the visits would revive all of that in her mind. Yet, her behavior would worsen dramatically, and her sleep would be disrupted all weekend. After a few days, it would be back to normal as she received comfort in our home routine (at least, in our humble opinion, that's how we saw it). It was a challenge we needed to face to help her deal with her situation, as much as her three-year-old soul could handle.
At these visits, Spunky Girl was blessed to have a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker. Having a CASA was a terrific help. They are there only in the best interests of the children, outside of court or caseworkers, to give an unbiased assessment of the case. Mrs. J loved Spunky Girl as much as we did. She brought her presents and treats, hugged her and loved on her, and always gave me updates on where the case was. I appreciated her contact immensely.
When Spunky Girl had been with us several months, her parents announced they were expecting in the summer. I will cover the story of Little Guy in an upcoming post.
With only a few months left to go until the case would be finished, and Spunky Girl's permanent situation would be decided, her caseworker left to take a different position in the department. Up until this point, the goal for the placement was termination of parental rights and adoption by non-family members (meaning us). The new caseworker had some differing perspectives on the case and began moving abruptly towards reunification with the birth family.
The plain fact is that the parents have a certain list of "services" to complete, including, lots of times, therapy, parenting classes, sobriety (obviously), random drug tests, successful supervised visitations with their children, etc. If they are "completing" their services, the caseworkers will reunify.
I won't go into details about why we were so against these children going back - and it had nothing to do with a territorial or defensive "wanting to keep" them. It had nothing to do with economic status or "benefits" we could offer that the other parents could not. Our concerns were of the ambiguous, subjective type (the negative environment they lived in, the lack of parenting skills, the lack of affection or attachment shown) as well as serious concerns for the safety of the children, given the history of the parents. In their past, their other children had all been removed permanently and had not been reunified. "How can this time possibly be any different?" we wondered. However, we were told that history is history, and if things are okay for the time being, and for the entirety of the case, there is no choice but to reunify. If there are no specific, identifiable, objective current problems, the kids go back.
Our worries increased after the reunification when we heard through the grapevine that, at the three-week follow-up hearing, the parents had already had two calls claiming concerns about them to the CPS office from neighbors. Yet, within three months, the case was dismissed completely from the court system and, legally, CPS does not and cannot monitor them unless something serious occurs. We are not allowed to know anything about the kids at this point. (Believe me, I've asked!:-))
As you read this, please do not just hear bitter rumblings. I know that I have a bias in this situation, assuming (arrogantly) that my home was a "better" place for the children. God always knows what is happening in His world. He sees hurt and pain - on all sides. Nothing about fostering is easy for anyone. Having children leave your home - whether removed TO a foster home or removed to go BACK FROM a foster home, there is difficulty. I learned compassion, and to refrain from immediate judgment of others. Do I think the kids would have thrived in our home? Yes! Now, what's done is done, and from the time they left us, we prayed continually for their parents - for strength, wisdom, and love. God gives us new starts every day, and we realize how blessed we were to be part of helping someone else obtain a new start with their family.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Car Organization, Pt. 1 (of ?)
For those of you who don't know me personally, here's the biggest happening in my life at the moment: I am beginning a journey as a new Stay-At-Home-Mom this fall. My husband and I decided on this course during the last school year, made it official in March, and I have been able to practice my new "job" all summer! For the first time in the eight years since college, when my husband went to school on that first day, I was not with him. I of course am experiencing many emotions - excitement, anxiety, panic...
One of my first goals as a new SAHM is Organization. Now, I know that is probably too vague to be a goal. I learned in youth ministry and teaching that goals must be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Action-Oriented, Realistic, and Time-Oriented. So, Organization would probably be my big-picture brain goal that will be broken down into smaller chunks of achievable objectives. :-) There's my teaching brain still working!
I ran across this post on Pinterest of a very detailed car trunk organization project. http://pinterest.com/pin/164240717633776974/
You have GOT to check it out to see how incredibly detailed it is!
So, I wanted to do a car trunk organizing of my own. Now, here is my statement before you look over my pictures, after looking at her pictures: my car trunk doesn't look exactly like her van.
A) We have young kids and we're not quite at the stage where we spend every night at a ball field or gym and travel to kids' stuff all weekend, so we may not need everything she has listed.
B) I'm glamming up the trunk of a Kia Forte, not a van or SUV. AND
C) I'm just starting! :-)
That being said...
Here are a couple of pictures of the first stage of my trunk organization project:
This is the trunk as a whole:
Here's the left bin:
Here's the right bin:
The floral Laura Ashley organizer was purchased from Amazon. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Laura-Ashley-Collapsible-Trunk-Organizer/dp/B0085XHA98/ref=sr_1_31?ie=UTF8&qid=1376604143&sr=8-31&keywords=car+trunk+organizer
The black organizer was purchased from The Container Store. Here's the link:
http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10004522&N=&Ntt=Car+organizer
Here is a list of the items I put into the organizers for Step One of the project:
One of my first goals as a new SAHM is Organization. Now, I know that is probably too vague to be a goal. I learned in youth ministry and teaching that goals must be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Action-Oriented, Realistic, and Time-Oriented. So, Organization would probably be my big-picture brain goal that will be broken down into smaller chunks of achievable objectives. :-) There's my teaching brain still working!
I ran across this post on Pinterest of a very detailed car trunk organization project. http://pinterest.com/pin/164240717633776974/
You have GOT to check it out to see how incredibly detailed it is!
So, I wanted to do a car trunk organizing of my own. Now, here is my statement before you look over my pictures, after looking at her pictures: my car trunk doesn't look exactly like her van.
A) We have young kids and we're not quite at the stage where we spend every night at a ball field or gym and travel to kids' stuff all weekend, so we may not need everything she has listed.
B) I'm glamming up the trunk of a Kia Forte, not a van or SUV. AND
C) I'm just starting! :-)
That being said...
Here are a couple of pictures of the first stage of my trunk organization project:
This is the trunk as a whole:
Here's the left bin:
Here's the right bin:
The floral Laura Ashley organizer was purchased from Amazon. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Laura-Ashley-Collapsible-Trunk-Organizer/dp/B0085XHA98/ref=sr_1_31?ie=UTF8&qid=1376604143&sr=8-31&keywords=car+trunk+organizer
The black organizer was purchased from The Container Store. Here's the link:
http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10004522&N=&Ntt=Car+organizer
Here is a list of the items I put into the organizers for Step One of the project:
- a roll of paper towel
- two cartons of tissue
- antibacterial hand sanitizer
- antibacterial cleaning wipes
- baby wipes
- a first aid kit
- a small "hair" bag with a brush, elastics, and bows for Miss A (in case it doesn't get done at home!)
- a bag with a change of clothes for each kid
- zip-top gallon sized storage bags
- trash bags
- my reusable grocery bags
- plastic grocery bags
- an umbrella
- a small note pad, pens, and scissors
- a spare phone charger
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