When Baby Girl left us in March of 2013, we were more than bummed out. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy, and I all had fallen in love with her so quickly and so deeply. To recap, on Day 1 of her placement with us, we had been told that birth father had already signed relinquishment papers because he didn't want to be involved, and birth mother was considering it as well. She was estranged from her family, and did not really want the baby placed with her parents or extended family members. Now, nothing is ever promised EVER, but it was definitely hinted that this could be a super-easy case that might not even have to go to trial, if she relinquished her rights as she was considering, and we could move forward with the adoption. That's what we were told. Two months into the case, her parents came to court and announced that they were seeking custody. Apparently, they hadn't even known she was pregnant or had had a baby until that time. Their background checks cleared without any major problems, and, because they were family, the baby was moved soon after. She was with us around 2 1/2 months.
We never had had a definite plan for how many kids we wanted in our family. My husband and I both came from sibling groups of four, and loved being a part of big families. We kind of figured we would wind up with a big family - 3 or 4 kids. The love we had for our two children was so full and complete - but, even after the disappointment of having Baby Girl be moved, we still felt like another child would be a fantastic addition to our family. So, we stayed in the game and kept our foster-adopt license active in hopes of receiving another placement and eventual adoption.
Then came the waiting process again. In the middle of this, our caseworker, Kelly, whom we loved, changed positions at the department and we were assigned to a new caseworker. Every foster or adoptive family has a caseworker, to ensure that standards are met, trainings are completed, etc. This is different from the caseworker assigned to the children, who represents the kids at court along with the guardian ad litem (lawyer). When you have an active case, you can expect monthly visits from all three - your caseworker, the children's caseworker, and the children's lawyer - scheduled or unannounced.
We waited 8 months with our names on The List with only one Call. We didn't get that child, a 4-month-old baby boy. It was obviously frustrating to sit around with no control over the situation, waiting on someone else to act for you and "find" you a placement. I am not patient at all by nature, so I know God was definitely challenging me in this area.
Finally, in November, we received an e-mail asking if we were interested in taking in 2-year-old twin girls. As I had with the last Call, I immediately said "YES!" and THEN told the Man of the House. (Heehee... Sorry, honey! In all seriousness, things happen quickly with foster-adopt placements, and if you hesitate, another family may already have stepped up.)
The information we had was that the girls were on-target for developmental milestones, healthy girls at this point. They were from a family of five siblings - a 12-year-old girl, a 3-year-old girl (only ten months older than the twins!), then the twins, and then a 1-year-old boy (only 12 months younger than the twins!). The other three had other placements already, as it was difficult to find a home for all five together. In fact, the twins were coming to us from a shelter, where they had been living for two months since they had been removed into the state's care.
The parental rights had been terminated shortly after the birth of the baby boy, and the children had been living with cousins of their mother, these cousins also having five other children they were fostering/adopting - a total of ten kids in the house. This sibling group had been removed for some alleged incidents that had happened in the home.
This case was incredibly complicated, and not a "normal" CPS case. Since the cousins weren't biological parents, and hadn't adopted the siblings yet, they didn't have "rights" to try to do services and have the children placed back in their home by a certain date. Instead, they were suing the state themselves, to try to get custody back of the kids. They had a very outspoken lawyer who was extremely vocal in saying that the removal shouldn't have taken place, and that the allegations were by and large made up by the Big Sister. Big Sister had been the one to alert school authorities to some not-so-good things happening in the home. Their opinion was that she thought she could be returned to her biological family if she disrupted this placement.
Some background on Big Sister: the very sad part was that her mother also had biological children OLDER than this Big Sister, so a total of eight children altogether already. Her baby daddy of the OTHER, older three was not the biological father of Big Sister, but WAS the person who had served as her father figure all her life. When the bio mom had lost custody, so did Big Sister's bio dad (in absentia), but this OTHER bio dad was what is called a "non-offending" parent, so he got custody of her children. However, he decided to only parent the three that were biologically his, and, since Big Sister was not, he declined to take custody of her. In her mind, she still thought there was hope that someday he would change his mind and come get her. (The siblings younger than her were also from different fathers, but she said she had never liked any of those men when they were in her mother's life, and they never served in that father role for her. We were never quite sure how many fathers were involved between the five children.)
The case continued on for ten months. We had hearings, rescheduled hearings, delays, lots of testimony. It came down to the judge continually wanting more information about the alleged incidents and everyone minutely dissecting the testimony of Big Sister and the other children in the home who may or may not have also experienced the incidents.
Meanwhile, Big Sister moved to two new foster placements, and then was put into a children's "home", an onsite location to receive therapy as well as schooling and intervention for her behavior. We were asked to take her in, as the behaviors stemmed from how frustrated she was to be apart from her siblings, and the assumption that things would simmer down once she was reunited with them. We had some weekend visits, and they went so well that we decided to accept.
I can't say that having her placed with us was easy, or that it went "well". I do not necessarily regret it, but it was a difficult three months. Big Sister hadn't been kept up with her counseling and treatments, and that would have made a difference. One main thing we learned: you have to be an advocate for yourself and your foster kids. Stay on top of their medical history and treatments and make sure the caseworkers are helping you get the best level of care for the kids, physically and emotionally and mentally.
Throughout this whole case, the kids had one-hour, weekly visitations with the cousins who had had custody at the department offices. Towards the spring, it became 4-6 hours at a time, at the request of the cousins. Of course this made a big imposition on our family, time-wise and resource-wise, and we were unhappy but tried to make the best of it. We usually took our other two to the zoo while we waited for the visits to be over. (Big Sister did NOT attend these visits because the relationship was so rocky between her and the cousins, because of how that placement ended.)
After Big Sister had been with us for two months, a set of the twins' grandparents made a petition to get custody of all five children. We were stunned that they could do this so late - the parents' rights had been terminated years before, they had been in foster care for years, placements were settling, etc. Their reasoning for the timing was that they HAD been trying to get custody, but didn't know the proper steps to go about it, and blamed the department for not helping them more.
Within a few weeks, a homestudy had been done on these grandparents, and the judge was in favor of moving forward to see if this would be a good placement. The grandparents were asking for all five children to be placed with them. This pushed the judge in their direction, as we were unable to take in all five, with two kids already in the home before this case. (Although we were asked, and were promised extra resources to help make this happen. We had to decline.)
Meanwhile, the cousins reconsidered their custody suit and declared that they would also want to get all five back, when previously they had said they did not want to be reunified with the Big Sister.
So now the judge decided to test the waters in BOTH homes, and ordered weekend-long visits with BOTH, on alternating visits. For the last month or two of the case, the kids were taken to one or the other of the homes on Friday night and stayed until Sunday night. This of course wreaked havoc on any progress we had made with structure and routine, and just the basic comfort level of the twins and Big Sister. Our Sunday nights were a disaster now, and it took several days for the twins' behavior to come back to somewhat normal.
The judge finally decided in August to place all five kids with the grandparents as a foster home, but continue twice-monthly all-weekend visits with the cousins until permanent custody could be determined. They left us the day before school started in 2014.
In February, six months after they left us, I ran into the kids' lawyer. She told me the case was STILL ongoing, and no permanent home had been decided for the kids. We continue to pray for them and hope for the best. They were strong enough to rise above their circumstances, and we hope that out of these ashes, fresh, vibrant, productive lives will arise. God bless you, kiddos.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Almost There
It seems like I have been starting out the latest blog posts the same way - "well, We're plugging along... It's moving, slowly by surely..." I do have some updates on the case today after speaking with the girls' caseworker yesterday.
The paternity test FINALLY came back for Curly Sue, and she is biologically the child of the OTHER father from Brown-Eyed Baby Girl, which means she and the baby are genetically half-sisters. Again, this doesn't matter much to the end result of the custody of the girls, but it is good to know and to have in the court documents when we go to trial.
Dad #2's mother has contacted her son's lawyer and dropped the custody suit, and will testify to such if needed at the trial. Mom's mother keeps on contacting the girls' caseworker for a visit, since the other grandmother was able to see them, so we are doing that on September 4th. (However, she is not and hasn't been in the quest for custody - Curly Sue was with her when the baby was first born, but had to be removed, which is why the girls went into a foster care - adoptive placement.)
We still don't have a new court date, but the respective attorneys and caseworkers and court officials are meeting this Friday to set a date together. September 16th was the date, but needed to be rescheduled for the Assistant District Attorney couldn't make that date. Now, the girls' caseworker will be out from September 18th-28th, which means if we delay again, it will mean not reconvening until October. However, the caseworker said she is going to push to get on our judge's docket for sometime next week, so we may be rescheduling for SOONER rather than later. That would be good!
I may or may not need to testify at the trial, at this point. Since the birthmother relinquished her rights, we're just dealing with terminating the rights of the two fathers now. I was mainly testifying about the older sister's condition when she came to us from the birth family, so my testimony might not be needed.
The caseworker DID receive an email from an adoptive caseworker of the one grandpa, who lives about 10 hours away, who is stating he DOES want to continue to pursue custody, and trying to get the department involved with logistics of making that happen. The caseworker and lawyer had already dismissed him as a potential home, because of the distance, and the fact that he is currently adopting three other grandchildren who have been removed from his son's home. It looks like he's continuing to make noise about it, but the caseworker and lawyer think the judge will agree with their decision to eliminate him as a placement change. One other main obstacle would be that, with the distance between us, there would be no opportunity for trial visits - it's too far to take the girls back and forth for an over night or several day visit until there is acclimation. Since we're meeting his ex-wife for the visit on the 4th, we're hoping she will like us, as the other grandmother did, and put in a good word for us so he would drop his custody suit as well. Of course, even if the judge denies him as a placement, he could come back and make an actual court case suing for custody and delay our adoption, and at that point we could get our own lawyer and have representation as parents who have had custody of the girls for 11 months - almost 12 months now. We're staying positive and praying that doesn't happen.
One VERY good piece of news is about our current separate living situation. I was up north with the rest of the fam for two weeks and returned yesterday; SO difficult. I really treasured that time, but man, we were all in tears the night before I left with the girls to come back down here. The caseworker let me know that, legally, we can be on "vacation" for up to 30 days at a time during the case, and she can make her visits with us during the time we are back. I asked her, "So, technically, I could go up there for 30 days, come back, see you, and a few days later go back for another 30 days?" She said YES, as long as the girls' lawyer is okay with it as well, and both of them can do their monthly visits during the time when we're back. (And if it doesn't work schedule-wise for those days/week(s), one or two Skype or Facetime visits would be acceptable.) GREAT NEWS!
As far as foster care certification, I'm set with all licenses and trainings until January! So hopefully I won't even need to do anything, assuming we can be done by November or December!
So, there you have it! We're feeling pretty positive, and continuing to choose joy in whatever circumstances we're in! Please pray for us that we can do so! Thanks, everyone, for reading!
The paternity test FINALLY came back for Curly Sue, and she is biologically the child of the OTHER father from Brown-Eyed Baby Girl, which means she and the baby are genetically half-sisters. Again, this doesn't matter much to the end result of the custody of the girls, but it is good to know and to have in the court documents when we go to trial.
Dad #2's mother has contacted her son's lawyer and dropped the custody suit, and will testify to such if needed at the trial. Mom's mother keeps on contacting the girls' caseworker for a visit, since the other grandmother was able to see them, so we are doing that on September 4th. (However, she is not and hasn't been in the quest for custody - Curly Sue was with her when the baby was first born, but had to be removed, which is why the girls went into a foster care - adoptive placement.)
We still don't have a new court date, but the respective attorneys and caseworkers and court officials are meeting this Friday to set a date together. September 16th was the date, but needed to be rescheduled for the Assistant District Attorney couldn't make that date. Now, the girls' caseworker will be out from September 18th-28th, which means if we delay again, it will mean not reconvening until October. However, the caseworker said she is going to push to get on our judge's docket for sometime next week, so we may be rescheduling for SOONER rather than later. That would be good!
I may or may not need to testify at the trial, at this point. Since the birthmother relinquished her rights, we're just dealing with terminating the rights of the two fathers now. I was mainly testifying about the older sister's condition when she came to us from the birth family, so my testimony might not be needed.
The caseworker DID receive an email from an adoptive caseworker of the one grandpa, who lives about 10 hours away, who is stating he DOES want to continue to pursue custody, and trying to get the department involved with logistics of making that happen. The caseworker and lawyer had already dismissed him as a potential home, because of the distance, and the fact that he is currently adopting three other grandchildren who have been removed from his son's home. It looks like he's continuing to make noise about it, but the caseworker and lawyer think the judge will agree with their decision to eliminate him as a placement change. One other main obstacle would be that, with the distance between us, there would be no opportunity for trial visits - it's too far to take the girls back and forth for an over night or several day visit until there is acclimation. Since we're meeting his ex-wife for the visit on the 4th, we're hoping she will like us, as the other grandmother did, and put in a good word for us so he would drop his custody suit as well. Of course, even if the judge denies him as a placement, he could come back and make an actual court case suing for custody and delay our adoption, and at that point we could get our own lawyer and have representation as parents who have had custody of the girls for 11 months - almost 12 months now. We're staying positive and praying that doesn't happen.
One VERY good piece of news is about our current separate living situation. I was up north with the rest of the fam for two weeks and returned yesterday; SO difficult. I really treasured that time, but man, we were all in tears the night before I left with the girls to come back down here. The caseworker let me know that, legally, we can be on "vacation" for up to 30 days at a time during the case, and she can make her visits with us during the time we are back. I asked her, "So, technically, I could go up there for 30 days, come back, see you, and a few days later go back for another 30 days?" She said YES, as long as the girls' lawyer is okay with it as well, and both of them can do their monthly visits during the time when we're back. (And if it doesn't work schedule-wise for those days/week(s), one or two Skype or Facetime visits would be acceptable.) GREAT NEWS!
As far as foster care certification, I'm set with all licenses and trainings until January! So hopefully I won't even need to do anything, assuming we can be done by November or December!
So, there you have it! We're feeling pretty positive, and continuing to choose joy in whatever circumstances we're in! Please pray for us that we can do so! Thanks, everyone, for reading!
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Step By Step - Thursday's Visit
Things keep on moving forward, even if it is just in small increments.
We had our previously planned visit with the paternal grandmother on Thursday (Grandmother-of-Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl-potentially-also-of-Curly-Sue-but-we-don't-know-for-certain-because-paternity-test-hasn't-been-processed-yet). We met at a Chik-Fil-A near the CPS offices, which was much more fun than meeting in the visitation rooms at the department.
I was not "worried" about the visit, per se, but I definitely had a physical, anxious reaction to pulling up and walking into the building. I wasn't sure what to expect. This grandma was the last person on the list made by the families to get custody of the girls. (After 10 months of us having the girls, and being told at the beginning of the case that there were no other family members around/available, the court has gone through several names in the past month that were brought up by the three parents' lawyers at the July 9th hearing.) However, she had made comments to the caseworker that she would drop her custody seeking if she could meet me and see the girls to gauge how they were doing.
When she walked in, she came up with a big smile. I handed the baby over so grandma could hold her. Now, the big sister glanced at her, but didn't seem to recognize her - she walked right by and went to slide. I had her come back and say hello, but she still didn't seem to have any connection. That was interesting to see. We all just then settled down in the kid play to chat while Curly Sue played and the baby crawled around.
When our visit was only a couple of minutes in session, grandma said, "I need you to know that I'm not here to get in your way. I've already decided to stop seeking custody and I'm calling the lawyer today to tell her." That obviously made me feel a lot of relief!
Over the course of our hour together, she told me that the older sister had never looked better, and she looked "so clean, and healthy, and happy". She was interested in hearing about school, and if Curly Sue was making friends, and how she behaved and had adjusted over the year. Apparently, from even Curly Sue's birth, she was told that she was the grandmother (even though she is the boyfriend's mother and not the husband's mother). I guess the birthmother was telling both men they were biologically the fathers the entire time.
"I wanted to come here today," she said to me, "to just ask that this not be the very last time I ever see or hear about my grandchildren. If you can tell me that I'll see them again in the future, or get pictures, that's enough for me. I don't need to be involved in your life and get in your way, but just to get updates would be good enough."
To answer that, I just replied that we could definitely work out details. We've learned from Little Guy's adoption, and from discussion with caseworkers and other adoptive parents, not to make promises and to not tie yourself down. This isn't to be deceitful or mean, but if you put in writing anything about visitations or times or expectations, then it can get very difficult if situations change, or if you stop feeling comfortable with having contact.
Right now, Little Guy's birthmother has my cell phone number (not my husband's, and not our home address, although she knows the town we live in), and we text periodically. But, there was a time when she was calling and texting several times a week, asking to talk to him or asking for pictures, and we had to maintain boundaries. We had to be assertive, and told her to trust us that we would be in contact and keep her updated, but that we preferred to be the ones initiating the contact.
With this situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable mailing pictures. I am very concerned about any of the three parents finding out our contact information and tracking us down. We have absolutely no contact with Miss A's parents for this reason. But we were fine with keeping in touch with Little Guy's birthmother. We even played at the park for an hour or so last year when she visited family in our area. We just take each situation as it comes. I had discussed with the caseworker a plan of sending her (the caseworker) pictures and updates, and she would forward them on to the grandmother, or other family members. I may create a special email address just for communicating with her and stay in touch that way.
Legally, the three birth parents are having their parental rights terminated - we aren't required to have any kind of contact with anybody from the birth family. We don't have to agree to anything at this point, or when(/if) the adoption is being finalized. But we've always read, and seen in our own experiences, that keeping an honest, age-appropriate openness benefits the children the most.
She was probably thinking along those same lines during our conversation. She told me, "Don't worry about me selling you out to my son, or to their mother. I don't want them to know where the girls are any more than you do. It would be too dangerous for the girls." That surprised me that she said that, and it must have taken a lot to admit that.
When it was time to leave, she gave me a big hug and said, "You have beautiful daughters, and you are a great mother. I couldn't ask for more for my grandchildren. Thank you for being in their lives." Very sweet words, and it made me emotional again! We left with a tentative plan to share birthday party details for Curly Sue at a park in town.
When we first began fostering, my worries revolved around the kids leaving us. That seemed to me the "worst" case scenario, an absolutely devastating situation, a life-ruining catastrophic ending. And guess what - then it happened to us. With seven children - so far. And we survived. I am not saying it wasn't awful, and there weren't crying, sobbing nights, and huge obstacles emotionally to overcome it. But we did overcome it.
My focus has stretched since the beginning, seven years ago when we began this journey with the foster care system. I do think about how upsetting it would be if these girls were placed with anyone but us at this point. I have cried over that already, since we know what that feels like.
But there is such a bigger picture in all of this, and so many other moving parts to think about. Besides just getting "what we want", in keeping the girls with us, we want to make sure we're all handling it well emotionally. We want to keep all of our children mentally healthy. We want them to have the best sense of self possible. We want them to grow up knowing they are so loved - by SO many people. We want to keep praying for the birth families, no matter what happens in the end. The hard part isn't "over" once/if we have full and permanent custody of the girls. There is a lifetime of navigating the waters of adoption, contact or lack thereof with the birth families. Everyone will be affected in different ways and this is a life-long journey for all of us.
Most importantly, we want to keep faith. We trust in an omnipotent God who knows the future, and has known it before any of us were created. He holds the end of our stories. We want to keep growing into the people He has created us to be, and the family He has planned for us. We don't want to waver when the road gets tough.
Job 38 says:
"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
"Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
I'm not the one in charge. I don't like that. None of us like not being in control. Some of us have a harder time than others. I have a harder time letting go of control at some moments in life compared to others. But guess what? No matter how much I hate it, I'm not in control - I never have been. And that has been a freeing thought.
I can focus on today, on the here and now, because my heavenly Father already knows what the future holds. Bad stuff is still going to happen to me. We as a family can go through it all with Him, or without Him.
... and back to the case!
So, from here, we're just waiting on the DNA results STILL for Curly Sue. Again, it's just a formality in terms of parental rights being terminated, since all three will be losing their parental rights at the trial - that's already determined. It's just the permanent custody that could be affected by the paternity test results.
However, this grandmother was the last of the long list of new family members to be looked at for custody. Everyone else has been eliminated. No other names have been brought forth. This should clear the way for the adoption process to begin as soon as the trial concludes.
Prayers for the paternity test to come back QUICKLY so we can get our court dates, make our move, and be back together as a complete family! Thanks, all! Love to everyone!
We had our previously planned visit with the paternal grandmother on Thursday (Grandmother-of-Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl-potentially-also-of-Curly-Sue-but-we-don't-know-for-certain-because-paternity-test-hasn't-been-processed-yet). We met at a Chik-Fil-A near the CPS offices, which was much more fun than meeting in the visitation rooms at the department.
I was not "worried" about the visit, per se, but I definitely had a physical, anxious reaction to pulling up and walking into the building. I wasn't sure what to expect. This grandma was the last person on the list made by the families to get custody of the girls. (After 10 months of us having the girls, and being told at the beginning of the case that there were no other family members around/available, the court has gone through several names in the past month that were brought up by the three parents' lawyers at the July 9th hearing.) However, she had made comments to the caseworker that she would drop her custody seeking if she could meet me and see the girls to gauge how they were doing.
When she walked in, she came up with a big smile. I handed the baby over so grandma could hold her. Now, the big sister glanced at her, but didn't seem to recognize her - she walked right by and went to slide. I had her come back and say hello, but she still didn't seem to have any connection. That was interesting to see. We all just then settled down in the kid play to chat while Curly Sue played and the baby crawled around.
When our visit was only a couple of minutes in session, grandma said, "I need you to know that I'm not here to get in your way. I've already decided to stop seeking custody and I'm calling the lawyer today to tell her." That obviously made me feel a lot of relief!
Over the course of our hour together, she told me that the older sister had never looked better, and she looked "so clean, and healthy, and happy". She was interested in hearing about school, and if Curly Sue was making friends, and how she behaved and had adjusted over the year. Apparently, from even Curly Sue's birth, she was told that she was the grandmother (even though she is the boyfriend's mother and not the husband's mother). I guess the birthmother was telling both men they were biologically the fathers the entire time.
"I wanted to come here today," she said to me, "to just ask that this not be the very last time I ever see or hear about my grandchildren. If you can tell me that I'll see them again in the future, or get pictures, that's enough for me. I don't need to be involved in your life and get in your way, but just to get updates would be good enough."
To answer that, I just replied that we could definitely work out details. We've learned from Little Guy's adoption, and from discussion with caseworkers and other adoptive parents, not to make promises and to not tie yourself down. This isn't to be deceitful or mean, but if you put in writing anything about visitations or times or expectations, then it can get very difficult if situations change, or if you stop feeling comfortable with having contact.
Right now, Little Guy's birthmother has my cell phone number (not my husband's, and not our home address, although she knows the town we live in), and we text periodically. But, there was a time when she was calling and texting several times a week, asking to talk to him or asking for pictures, and we had to maintain boundaries. We had to be assertive, and told her to trust us that we would be in contact and keep her updated, but that we preferred to be the ones initiating the contact.
With this situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable mailing pictures. I am very concerned about any of the three parents finding out our contact information and tracking us down. We have absolutely no contact with Miss A's parents for this reason. But we were fine with keeping in touch with Little Guy's birthmother. We even played at the park for an hour or so last year when she visited family in our area. We just take each situation as it comes. I had discussed with the caseworker a plan of sending her (the caseworker) pictures and updates, and she would forward them on to the grandmother, or other family members. I may create a special email address just for communicating with her and stay in touch that way.
Legally, the three birth parents are having their parental rights terminated - we aren't required to have any kind of contact with anybody from the birth family. We don't have to agree to anything at this point, or when(/if) the adoption is being finalized. But we've always read, and seen in our own experiences, that keeping an honest, age-appropriate openness benefits the children the most.
She was probably thinking along those same lines during our conversation. She told me, "Don't worry about me selling you out to my son, or to their mother. I don't want them to know where the girls are any more than you do. It would be too dangerous for the girls." That surprised me that she said that, and it must have taken a lot to admit that.
When it was time to leave, she gave me a big hug and said, "You have beautiful daughters, and you are a great mother. I couldn't ask for more for my grandchildren. Thank you for being in their lives." Very sweet words, and it made me emotional again! We left with a tentative plan to share birthday party details for Curly Sue at a park in town.
When we first began fostering, my worries revolved around the kids leaving us. That seemed to me the "worst" case scenario, an absolutely devastating situation, a life-ruining catastrophic ending. And guess what - then it happened to us. With seven children - so far. And we survived. I am not saying it wasn't awful, and there weren't crying, sobbing nights, and huge obstacles emotionally to overcome it. But we did overcome it.
My focus has stretched since the beginning, seven years ago when we began this journey with the foster care system. I do think about how upsetting it would be if these girls were placed with anyone but us at this point. I have cried over that already, since we know what that feels like.
But there is such a bigger picture in all of this, and so many other moving parts to think about. Besides just getting "what we want", in keeping the girls with us, we want to make sure we're all handling it well emotionally. We want to keep all of our children mentally healthy. We want them to have the best sense of self possible. We want them to grow up knowing they are so loved - by SO many people. We want to keep praying for the birth families, no matter what happens in the end. The hard part isn't "over" once/if we have full and permanent custody of the girls. There is a lifetime of navigating the waters of adoption, contact or lack thereof with the birth families. Everyone will be affected in different ways and this is a life-long journey for all of us.
Most importantly, we want to keep faith. We trust in an omnipotent God who knows the future, and has known it before any of us were created. He holds the end of our stories. We want to keep growing into the people He has created us to be, and the family He has planned for us. We don't want to waver when the road gets tough.
Job 38 says:
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
Tell me, if you understand.
"Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
I'm not the one in charge. I don't like that. None of us like not being in control. Some of us have a harder time than others. I have a harder time letting go of control at some moments in life compared to others. But guess what? No matter how much I hate it, I'm not in control - I never have been. And that has been a freeing thought.
I can focus on today, on the here and now, because my heavenly Father already knows what the future holds. Bad stuff is still going to happen to me. We as a family can go through it all with Him, or without Him.
... and back to the case!
So, from here, we're just waiting on the DNA results STILL for Curly Sue. Again, it's just a formality in terms of parental rights being terminated, since all three will be losing their parental rights at the trial - that's already determined. It's just the permanent custody that could be affected by the paternity test results.
However, this grandmother was the last of the long list of new family members to be looked at for custody. Everyone else has been eliminated. No other names have been brought forth. This should clear the way for the adoption process to begin as soon as the trial concludes.
Prayers for the paternity test to come back QUICKLY so we can get our court dates, make our move, and be back together as a complete family! Thanks, all! Love to everyone!
Saturday, August 1, 2015
And Another Delay... But We're Still Thinking Positively
Our rescheduled trial date happened Thursday morning. It didn't go as we hoped.
The paternity test results came back for Brown Eyed Baby Girl, but not yet for the older sister. At least we know the testing was done, and is just caught up in the processing and filing at the DA's office. However, the judge decided to reschedule again after those results are officially back to the court. We're hoping the new trial is sometime in August.
Of course, any delay is an annoyance, but it rankles because of our current family situation. Some of you may not know that the Man of the House took a job out of state, back in my hometown. He had to begin being "on the clock" starting July 1st. We can't officially move the girls out of state until the adoption is official. Of course, we're not willing to just forget about them and leave them behind with a new foster family until this is finished, one way or another. However, this means that my husband and our two kids are currently in the new place, living with my parents until I (and hopefully the other two girls) can move up and get a place of our own. It has been very hard being separated, and lots of crying has happened from all involved parties! We keep telling ourselves that this is a blip of time in our life story compared to providing the girls a forever home, so we're keeping our chins up.
Hopefully, once we get the trial done, and assuming adoption is the next step, that will be done in 40-90 days. Prayers for Thanksgiving or Christmas TOGETHER in our new home, please!
BUT, since nothing can be uncomplicated, the grandmother of the dad who was proven to be baby's biological father is now pursuing custody of both girls. The judge ordered a home study to begin assessing the potential of the home as a new placement for the girls. Of course, this adds more anxiety AGAIN at what is supposed to be the very end of the case. The other family members whose names were brought forward last time were all eliminated as potential placements for one reason or another. So, this should be the LAST person to come forward and seek custody.
Two surprises happened, however. Biological mom actually signed relinquishment papers to end her parental rights this week. Sometimes this happens of its own accord, as a relinquishment looks better on a record than a termination of parental rights. Now, she didn't have anything in there asking US to keep custody of the girls and move towards adoption; I feel that she is still hoping for a family member to appear who will adopt the girls and keep them in her vicinity.
Also, the grandmother who is now wanting the girls asked to meet me at court. It may be that she is being pressured by the legal team representing her son to ask for the girls, and may be willing to rethink that. Even though her son's lawyer was pushing forward her desire for custody, she told the girls' caseworker on the side that, if she could see the girls one more time, and meet me, and feel comfortable that they are in a good home and taken care of, she will drop her custody suit. We have a Chik-Fil-A meeting set up for next Thursday for her to spend an hour with the girls and talk to me, with the caseworker supervising.
So, two things could happen - a) she could bow out of the homestudy, in which case we are the only placement and will move towards adoption as soon as the trial is done and the three parents' rights are officially terminated (which is not a question of happening at this point - we're just waiting on paternity testing to determine options for the girls' permanent placements). OR b) she will decide to keep pursuing custody and this will drag out further past the trial.
Because we have had the girls for almost a year, we have the option at that point to retain our own lawyer if this continues, and have representation to counter her desire for custody. We are being given a couple of names to look into. The caseworker said to wait on that though, until we know what this grandmother is going to decide.
SO... that's what is happening in out lives! Thank you for the encouragement, prayers, and happy thoughts. God is good, all the time!
"A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design... Look at your life through heaven's eyes." - Prince of Egypt
The paternity test results came back for Brown Eyed Baby Girl, but not yet for the older sister. At least we know the testing was done, and is just caught up in the processing and filing at the DA's office. However, the judge decided to reschedule again after those results are officially back to the court. We're hoping the new trial is sometime in August.
Of course, any delay is an annoyance, but it rankles because of our current family situation. Some of you may not know that the Man of the House took a job out of state, back in my hometown. He had to begin being "on the clock" starting July 1st. We can't officially move the girls out of state until the adoption is official. Of course, we're not willing to just forget about them and leave them behind with a new foster family until this is finished, one way or another. However, this means that my husband and our two kids are currently in the new place, living with my parents until I (and hopefully the other two girls) can move up and get a place of our own. It has been very hard being separated, and lots of crying has happened from all involved parties! We keep telling ourselves that this is a blip of time in our life story compared to providing the girls a forever home, so we're keeping our chins up.
Hopefully, once we get the trial done, and assuming adoption is the next step, that will be done in 40-90 days. Prayers for Thanksgiving or Christmas TOGETHER in our new home, please!
BUT, since nothing can be uncomplicated, the grandmother of the dad who was proven to be baby's biological father is now pursuing custody of both girls. The judge ordered a home study to begin assessing the potential of the home as a new placement for the girls. Of course, this adds more anxiety AGAIN at what is supposed to be the very end of the case. The other family members whose names were brought forward last time were all eliminated as potential placements for one reason or another. So, this should be the LAST person to come forward and seek custody.
Two surprises happened, however. Biological mom actually signed relinquishment papers to end her parental rights this week. Sometimes this happens of its own accord, as a relinquishment looks better on a record than a termination of parental rights. Now, she didn't have anything in there asking US to keep custody of the girls and move towards adoption; I feel that she is still hoping for a family member to appear who will adopt the girls and keep them in her vicinity.
Also, the grandmother who is now wanting the girls asked to meet me at court. It may be that she is being pressured by the legal team representing her son to ask for the girls, and may be willing to rethink that. Even though her son's lawyer was pushing forward her desire for custody, she told the girls' caseworker on the side that, if she could see the girls one more time, and meet me, and feel comfortable that they are in a good home and taken care of, she will drop her custody suit. We have a Chik-Fil-A meeting set up for next Thursday for her to spend an hour with the girls and talk to me, with the caseworker supervising.
So, two things could happen - a) she could bow out of the homestudy, in which case we are the only placement and will move towards adoption as soon as the trial is done and the three parents' rights are officially terminated (which is not a question of happening at this point - we're just waiting on paternity testing to determine options for the girls' permanent placements). OR b) she will decide to keep pursuing custody and this will drag out further past the trial.
Because we have had the girls for almost a year, we have the option at that point to retain our own lawyer if this continues, and have representation to counter her desire for custody. We are being given a couple of names to look into. The caseworker said to wait on that though, until we know what this grandmother is going to decide.
SO... that's what is happening in out lives! Thank you for the encouragement, prayers, and happy thoughts. God is good, all the time!
"A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design... Look at your life through heaven's eyes." - Prince of Egypt
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