Adoption Date is TOMORROW!

We are thrilled that TOMORROW! After fifteen months, the girls will officially be part of our family forever! We are blessed that this is actually going quicker than our other adoption processes - we waited almost two years for Miss A and Little Guy!

We had had this week penciled in for a month or so, but hadn't heard an exact date or time until last week. Something about that the lawyer was the one who was supposed to file for the date, but she was waiting for the caseworker to send her the paperwork, and the caseworker thought she already had… so everybody's kind of blaming the other person, and we're just sitting here like, "We just want our adoption date!" I just found out Monday that no one had even filed yet to go through this next week.

BUT - All's well that ends well! We're so happy that it's happening!

We are driving back into our "old" neck of the woods today. We have a fun evening planned - playing at the park, eating out for a fun dinner, staying the night at a hotel. We will be joined by family members and friends, which is making it extra special!

Thanks to everyone for being there for us as we have traveled this journey, and for traveling with us. We have been blessed through your encouragement and prayers. We love you all!

Cheers to tomorrow!

Living Truly Pro-Life

On what should have been one of the happiest days of my life, discomfort was my only focus.

My husband Kyle and I fostered eleven children over the past seven years. We have adopted two – our daughter, now seven-years-old, and our son, now five-years-old. Seven of our foster children have been reunified with their biological families. Our most recent case involved a four-year-old girl and her newborn sister. After a year of caring for them, with caseworker visits, monthly reports, and court appearances, we were finally at the trial date. The caseworkers decided that the birthparents’ rights would be terminated, move forward with us adopting the girls.

I was mostly nervous about testifying in court during the trial. (I was there by myself, as my husband was teaching. The kids aren’t normally required to be present at the court appearances.) I as the foster mother would testify to the girls' conditions when they first came to us, and our interactions with the birthmother at the visits.

On top of those physiological nerves, I was feeling anxious wondering if the birthmother, “Michelle”, would attend. Michelle hadn't seen the girls in almost five months. Only a few months back, she signed relinquishment papers to voluntarily surrender her rights. This is a somewhat common occurrence IF termination of the parents’ rights appears inevitable. The birthparents sometimes sign relinquishment papers voluntarily to avoid a termination being put on their record.

However, Michelle had recently declared that signing was a mistake, and that she was requesting a new lawyer to help her take back the relinquishment and continue fighting for the girls. Obviously, it doesn't work that way, but I still wondered what she would do if she showed up to court. However relatively polite Michelle had been when we had met in the past, these recent actions led me to dread whatever confrontation we might have.

When I walked through the hallway and found our courtroom, I saw Michelle sitting on the bench outside. The nerves kicked in again. So many feelings – worry, sadness, grief, anxiety.

And so, with my heart pounding and stomach churning, I went to the restroom to get it together. Honestly, it probably was due to cowardice; I wanted to stay removed from all of these emotions and thoughts rapidly flowing through me.

I have seen a quote by Jody Landers that goes like this: “A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” How true this is. Although incredibly joy-filled with knowing that the girls would be part of our forever-family, of being done with the court proceedings, my husband and I were aware that our joy comes at someone else’s great misery. Nobody was playing the “us versus them” game, but on that day the path would be permanently chosen – us versus her. Not a comfortable day to be living through, from anyone’s perspective.

Once I took some deep breaths and collected myself, I was now ready to calmly exit, ready for our case to be called into the courtroom.

And my foster children’s birthmother was standing there washing her hands at the sinks.

She looked up as I walked out and our eyes met. I blandly smiled, and she gave me a watery smile back and looked away. I began washing my hands at the sink next to hers.

Ugh. Could this be any more awkward?

At this point, something became crystal clear to me. Yup, it was awkward. The birthmother on the day her parental rights are terminated and the adoptive mother going home to them after court concludes. We were “supposed” to be on opposite “sides”. Shouldn’t she be angry at me for stealing her rightful place as her children’s mother? Shouldn’t I be judgmental and condescending, knowing everything in her life and lifestyle that led to the removal of her children? Shouldn’t we hate each other as adversaries?

And it truly hit me that Michelle was not the “other side”. She was the mother of my children – or, rather, the children who, by God’s goodness, would soon be named part of my family forever. Here was a young woman, only a few years younger than I was, who had been torn up by life’s hardness. Trapped in a deep hole of her own making, with each day proving more difficult to overcome. Without support of family or friends, much less a committed husband. No steady home life growing up and now a single mom going from job to job, and from place to place. Unhealthy influences all around, all her life. My modest life seemed palatial in comparison. Today was the day on which her last link to her two daughters would be forever severed. It mattered not to that she was facing the consequences of her actions. She wasn’t a rival in some game - but someone hurting.

At that point, my nervousness and anxiety about this day seemed selfish. How could I stand there silently, because I felt “awkward”, when someone was aching beside me? Chastised, I threw up a quick prayer for forgiveness. And then the thought surfaced, “Well, if it were me, I’m sure I could use a hug.” Then, “Do it. Can’t get any more awkward.”

I dried my hands, walked over, and threw my arms around her. I told her that we recognized how painful this day was for her. That for today at least, hurt for her was overshadowing any excitement we could feel. I told her how much we loved those little girls, and I choked up as I vowed to care for them to the best of my ability all my life. I told her she would always be in our prayers.

Her tears now flowing as well, she thanked me. She humbly expressed gratitude for us loving her children as much as she did. She acknowledged that her life was currently unstable, and that she knew she was unable to care for the girls the way she would like. She went on to say an abundance of kind affirmations for my husband and me that soothed my soul. We stood there, talking, bonded by our love for our children, the conversation comforting each of us, if even just a degree.

We hugged again as we exited the women’s restroom. She turned to me and said, “I’m not going to fight the relinquishment papers today. If I can’t be there for my daughters, at least I know they have you in their lives.”

Our case was called into the courtroom soon afterwards. Michelle was the first witness on the stand. She stated that she was voluntarily relinquishing her rights and supportive of an adoption by our family. As soon as she was dismissed, she walked out of the courtroom without a backward glance, out of our family’s lives.

I am pro-life. And this encounter with Michelle expanded my view of what that means.

We have been incredibly blessed through the gift of adoption, with two children already adopted and two more very soon. But before this, we experienced years of praying and hoping for a child. Naturally, that made us extra sensitive regarding children who need a home, who are neglected or abused or unwanted.

In terms of babies, I believe life begins at conception, each human a glorious unfolding of God-given potential - regardless of background or the way in which the baby was conceived. The concept of abortion breaks my heart. I would lovingly tell ANY woman considering abortion, without judgment, that if she doesn’t desire to parent her baby, we would be honored to do so. I know numerous other families have struggled with infertility (or haven’t) and feel similarly. Every abortion could have been a baby, an answer to the prayers of a loving family. Isaiah 1:17 (ESV) tells us, “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.” Christians use this verse to support adoption, and the loving provision of homes to children who need them. Everyone is, surely, moved by the sight of a helpless baby, and willing to extend caring arms to lift up that child.

The majority of Christians in America today would identify themselves as “pro-life.” But to some of our fellow Americans, that just appears to mean that we are anti-abortion and it might not mean much else. As the Casting Crowns song “Jesus, Friend of Sinners” aptly states, “Nobody knows what we’re for, only what we’re against when we judge the wounded. What if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did?” While abortion is unequivocally against our pro-life stance, what if more could be shown in our declarations?

I am so tired of hearing that pro-life Christians are only against abortions, but not for helping those babies once they are born, nor the mothers who choose life for their babies but subsequently have to live in poverty and be a “drain on the system.” False.

Recently following the comments attached to an online article on the topic, I repeatedly saw, “If you’re against abortion, what have you personally as a so-called Christian done yourself for these unwanted babies? Have you fostered or adopted children? Have you fed the hungry or invited the homeless into your home?” That irks me, knowing that so many loving Christians DO accomplish much good in their communities because of their understanding that all life is sacred.

However, that’s a fair challenge.

I am not saying that all Christians follow that stereotype. But what witness does our world see about Christ and His Church from the news, the media, from our everyday actions? What if we went above and beyond to prove that we value ALL life as our God does?

By declaring that I am “pro-life”, I am not called to be concerned with only adorable babies. Could the verse above focus on modern-day single mothers and foster children? How about a homeless person we see on the corner? What about someone from a different cultural or socio-economic experience than us, or in another part of the world? Aren’t their lives valuable to their Creator? Could our valuing life extend to the annoying or hurtful person at work or in our church?

I love my babies. They needed a home and we jumped at the chance to be their parents. We were called to this life of fostering and adopting as our parenting journey, and feel blessed to be used in this manner. And that day, being with Michelle helped me realize that every interaction we have is an opportunity to be pro-life. Jesus’s words clearly say, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” (Matthew 25:40, ESV) Even if it’s not natural or feels weird. Hugging the birthmother of my adoptive children and crying in a bathroom with her? At that moment, that felt like being pro-life to me.

All life is sacred. All life. That’s why Christians are against abortion, which ends a life. It’s important to spread our message in gentle love that babies have rights as well as women. There are so many families ready to adopt, and many organizations willing to walk beside those in need in a caring manner. This part IS incredibly important to us and to our Creator.

AND, beyond the abortion issue, let’s be known for proclaiming God’s love and salvation to all mankind. We may not agree with each other on everything, but we can still value people and extend compassion. We can still step out in faith, even when it’s uncomfortable. Let’s get messy in this wonderful, crazy community God has provided for us – at home, in our country, and throughout His world.

What can you do today to share His mercy? Think big or small! Go participate in a missionary trip overseas. But also... Go invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner who may be alone or in need of a meal. Go volunteer in a food pantry or crisis pregnancy center in your home town. Go pray about what God’s people can do regarding the refugee crisis happening right now. Whatever it is, GO! DO!

I share about that day not to bring attention to myself or our family. I am guilty of so many lost chances when I could have shared kindness, of not wanting to love uncomfortably. I was convicted and humbled as I remembered “what kind of love the Father has given to us”. (1 John 3:1) If He can lavish me with love, grace, and daily forgiveness, I can in some small way, with the help of His Spirit, attempt to do so to my fellow human beings - however many mistakes I make along the way.

God inspired James to write, “Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” (James 2:17, ESV) Let’s show the world a living faith that moves beyond politics and boundaries, beyond comfort zones.

We're Still Here!

Time for a quick update!

Timeline: We are now scheduled for a December 16th adoption consummation date. The newly assigned adoption worker says that it is actually Texas law that no adoption to unrelated foster families can happen within ninety days of the termination trial. The family gets ninety days to file an appeal or put forward even more names for consideration to adopt the girls. There is no intention to do either one, as far as the workers have discussed with the biological family members, so that's not going to be an issue.

Process: We have lots of paperwork to fill out to make the adoption happen, but we're basically finished. One last big thing that will happen is the reading of the HSEGH, or the Health, Social, Education, and Genetic History file. This tells us EVERYTHING that the department has found about the children and ANY biological family members. It's the kind of thing where they reserve a little room and you sit for four hours reading paper after paper. BUT at least you know every last piece of information that is possibly available to you. Not that anything would change our mind about adopting the girls at this point; it's a routine formality that happens with any foster care adoption.

Travel: We are still following the 3-weeks-in-Colorado-1-week-in-Texas schedule agreed to by the caseworkers. This is sure more do-able than the longer stretches of time. I should be back in Texas for one more week in November, and then hopefully only back for the adoption on December 16th for that month and then DONE!

Kids: All four kids are handling the transition well. School is going well, everyone is making new friends, etc. We have our days of teary-ness, but, for the most part, they are really being troopers. It's obviously been tough on them, as on my husband and on me, and some days are better than others. We can't wait to be together and actually feel settled. We're so ready to move onto the next chapter of our lives completely and as an undivided unit.

Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement! We're challenging ourselves to make this as positive as possible, and not just "survive" it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Heading back to Colorado tomorrow! Woohoo! Lots of love, everyone!

God Blessed the Broken Road

What a long and emotional day! We FINALLY had our termination trial today to decide the girls' permanent placement. At the end of it, termination was granted on all three parents, and a tentative adoption date set!

That's the short story. A lot happened and I feel very up and down - definitely a lot to take in and process. Of course, we're ecstatic and can't WAIT to have the girls be officially part of our forever family.

I was incredibly nervous anticipating having to testify. I don't get stage fright, per se, but it is sweat-inducing to have to walk up to the witness stand, swear to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth", and then be asked questions - and cross-examined by the "other" attorneys, all while the people about which you are testifying are listening and watching you. I was supposed to be called up to share what the health status of particularly Curly Sue was when she arrived at our house, detailing what kind of physical and emotional condition she was in, as well as discuss the baby's NICU stay and the process of getting her healthy when she was born. I knew I needed to do what I needed to do, but it's hard, as a people pleaser, to think about saying negative things about someone to their faces, especially when said testimony is to help clinch the termination of their parental rights. I KNOW this isn't gossip or being negative to be negative, and it's the truth and part of the case, and needs to be done, etc., but that still doesn't make it easy to do it.

It turns out that I didn't need to testify. The birthmother did come forward to say she was relinquishing her rights voluntarily. As my testimony would have dealt with her, as the older sister was in her care when removed, I did not have to testify. She and I had a wonderful encounter in the restroom beforehand, which I want to write in further detail in the near future.

Another of the fathers declared voluntary relinquishment as well. The third parent was terminated on for failure to work services over the course of the year. The birth mother had left immediately following her statement of relinquishment. All in all, this went fairly quickly.

At the end, right before dismissal, the girls' lawyer asked for the special provision for an expedited adoption, as the girls have been with us 11 1/2 months. The judge happily agreed, and even penciled us in on her calendar for November 12th. She said she is already doing an adoption that morning, and that it would be fun to complete our adoptions together, "maybe have cake and a party or something!"

All in all, SO happy to be finished with the trial part of this journey. Ready for adoption to happen and to be back together as a family! Our adoption attorney is already working on filing the paperwork, and everything should be smooth sailing from here on out!

We get to go visit up north for three weeks, return for a week or so, go BACK up north for three weeks, and that should about be time for the adoption to happen!

This was a quick update, but thank you for sharing in our joy! Blessings!

The Case of the Sibing Trio (The Twins and Big Sister)

When Baby Girl left us in March of 2013, we were more than bummed out. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy, and I all had fallen in love with her so quickly and so deeply. To recap, on Day 1 of her placement with us, we had been told that birth father had already signed relinquishment papers because he didn't want to be involved, and birth mother was considering it as well. She was estranged from her family, and did not really want the baby placed with her parents or extended family members. Now, nothing is ever promised EVER, but it was definitely hinted that this could be a super-easy case that might not even have to go to trial, if she relinquished her rights as she was considering, and we could move forward with the adoption. That's what we were told. Two months into the case, her parents came to court and announced that they were seeking custody. Apparently, they hadn't even known she was pregnant or had had a baby until that time. Their background checks cleared without any major problems, and, because they were family, the baby was moved soon after. She was with us around 2 1/2 months.

We never had had a definite plan for how many kids we wanted in our family. My husband and I both came from sibling groups of four, and loved being a part of big families. We kind of figured we would wind up with a big family - 3 or 4 kids. The love we had for our two children was so full and complete - but, even after the disappointment of having Baby Girl be moved, we still felt like another child would be a fantastic addition to our family. So, we stayed in the game and kept our foster-adopt license active in hopes of receiving another placement and eventual adoption.

Then came the waiting process again. In the middle of this, our caseworker, Kelly, whom we loved, changed positions at the department and we were assigned to a new caseworker. Every foster or adoptive family has a caseworker, to ensure that standards are met, trainings are completed, etc. This is different from the caseworker assigned to the children, who represents the kids at court along with the guardian ad litem (lawyer). When you have an active case, you can expect monthly visits from all three - your caseworker, the children's caseworker, and the children's lawyer - scheduled or unannounced.

We waited 8 months with our names on The List with only one Call. We didn't get that child, a 4-month-old baby boy. It was obviously frustrating to sit around with no control over the situation, waiting on someone else to act for you and "find" you a placement. I am not patient at all by nature, so I know God was definitely challenging me in this area.

Finally, in November, we received an e-mail asking if we were interested in taking in 2-year-old twin girls. As I had with the last Call, I immediately said "YES!" and THEN told the Man of the House. (Heehee... Sorry, honey! In all seriousness, things happen quickly with foster-adopt placements, and if you hesitate, another family may already have stepped up.)

The information we had was that the girls were on-target for developmental milestones, healthy girls at this point. They were from a family of five siblings - a 12-year-old girl, a 3-year-old girl (only ten months older than the twins!), then the twins, and then a 1-year-old boy (only 12 months younger than the twins!). The other three had other placements already, as it was difficult to find a home for all five together. In fact, the twins were coming to us from a shelter, where they had been living for two months since they had been removed into the state's care.

The parental rights had been terminated shortly after the birth of the baby boy, and the children had been living with cousins of their mother, these cousins also having five other children they were fostering/adopting - a total of ten kids in the house. This sibling group had been removed for some alleged incidents that had happened in the home.

This case was incredibly complicated, and not a "normal" CPS case. Since the cousins weren't biological parents, and hadn't adopted the siblings yet, they didn't have "rights" to try to do services and have the children placed back in their home by a certain date. Instead, they were suing the state themselves, to try to get custody back of the kids. They had a very outspoken lawyer who was extremely vocal in saying that the removal shouldn't have taken place, and that the allegations were by and large made up by the Big Sister. Big Sister had been the one to alert school authorities to some not-so-good things happening in the home. Their opinion was that she thought she could be returned to her biological family if she disrupted this placement.

Some background on Big Sister: the very sad part was that her mother also had biological children OLDER than this Big Sister, so a total of eight children altogether already. Her baby daddy of the OTHER, older three was not the biological father of Big Sister, but WAS the person who had served as her father figure all her life. When the bio mom had lost custody, so did Big Sister's bio dad (in absentia), but this OTHER bio dad was what is called a "non-offending" parent, so he got custody of her children. However, he decided to only parent the three that were biologically his, and, since Big Sister was not, he declined to take custody of her. In her mind, she still thought there was hope that someday he would change his mind and come get her. (The siblings younger than her were also from different fathers, but she said she had never liked any of those men when they were in her mother's life, and they never served in that father role for her. We were never quite sure how many fathers were involved between the five children.)

The case continued on for ten months. We had hearings, rescheduled hearings, delays, lots of testimony. It came down to the judge continually wanting more information about the alleged incidents and everyone minutely dissecting the testimony of Big Sister and the other children in the home who may or may not have also experienced the incidents.

Meanwhile, Big Sister moved to two new foster placements, and then was put into a children's "home", an onsite location to receive therapy as well as schooling and intervention for her behavior. We were asked to take her in, as the behaviors stemmed from how frustrated she was to be apart from her siblings, and the assumption that things would simmer down once she was reunited with them. We had some weekend visits, and they went so well that we decided to accept.

I can't say that having her placed with us was easy, or that it went "well". I do not necessarily regret it, but it was a difficult three months. Big Sister hadn't been kept up with her counseling and treatments, and that would have made a difference. One main thing we learned: you have to be an advocate for yourself and your foster kids. Stay on top of their medical history and treatments and make sure the caseworkers are helping you get the best level of care for the kids, physically and emotionally and mentally.

Throughout this whole case, the kids had one-hour, weekly visitations with the cousins who had had custody at the department offices. Towards the spring, it became 4-6 hours at a time, at the request of the cousins. Of course this made a big imposition on our family, time-wise and resource-wise, and we were unhappy but tried to make the best of it. We usually took our other two to the zoo while we waited for the visits to be over. (Big Sister did NOT attend these visits because the relationship was so rocky between her and the cousins, because of how that placement ended.)

After Big Sister had been with us for two months, a set of the twins' grandparents made a petition to get custody of all five children. We were stunned that they could do this so late - the parents' rights had been terminated years before, they had been in foster care for years, placements were settling, etc. Their reasoning for the timing was that they HAD been trying to get custody, but didn't know the proper steps to go about it, and blamed the department for not helping them more.

Within a few weeks, a homestudy had been done on these grandparents, and the judge was in favor of moving forward to see if this would be a good placement. The grandparents were asking for all five children to be placed with them. This pushed the judge in their direction, as we were unable to take in all five, with two kids already in the home before this case. (Although we were asked, and were promised extra resources to help make this happen. We had to decline.)

Meanwhile, the cousins reconsidered their custody suit and declared that they would also want to get all five back, when previously they had said they did not want to be reunified with the Big Sister.

So now the judge decided to test the waters in BOTH homes, and ordered weekend-long visits with BOTH, on alternating visits. For the last month or two of the case, the kids were taken to one or the other of the homes on Friday night and stayed until Sunday night. This of course wreaked havoc on any progress we had made with structure and routine, and just the basic comfort level of the twins and Big Sister. Our Sunday nights were a disaster now, and it took several days for the twins' behavior to come back to somewhat normal.

The judge finally decided in August to place all five kids with the grandparents as a foster home, but continue twice-monthly all-weekend visits with the cousins until permanent custody could be determined. They left us the day before school started in 2014.

In February, six months after they left us, I ran into the kids' lawyer. She told me the case was STILL ongoing, and no permanent home had been decided for the kids. We continue to pray for them and hope for the best. They were strong enough to rise above their circumstances, and we hope that out of these ashes, fresh, vibrant, productive lives will arise. God bless you, kiddos.

Almost There

It seems like I have been starting out the latest blog posts the same way - "well, We're plugging along... It's moving, slowly by surely..." I do have some updates on the case today after speaking with the girls' caseworker yesterday.

The paternity test FINALLY came back for Curly Sue, and she is biologically the child of the OTHER father from Brown-Eyed Baby Girl, which means she and the baby are genetically half-sisters. Again, this doesn't matter much to the end result of the custody of the girls, but it is good to know and to have in the court documents when we go to trial.

Dad #2's mother has contacted her son's lawyer and dropped the custody suit, and will testify to such if needed at the trial. Mom's mother keeps on contacting the girls' caseworker for a visit, since the other grandmother was able to see them, so we are doing that on September 4th. (However, she is not and hasn't been in the quest for custody - Curly Sue was with her when the baby was first born, but had to be removed, which is why the girls went into a foster care - adoptive placement.)

We still don't have a new court date, but the respective attorneys and caseworkers and court officials are meeting this Friday to set a date together. September 16th was the date, but needed to be rescheduled for the Assistant District Attorney couldn't make that date. Now, the girls' caseworker will be out from September 18th-28th, which means if we delay again, it will mean not reconvening until October. However, the caseworker said she is going to push to get on our judge's docket for sometime next week, so we may be rescheduling for SOONER rather than later. That would be good!

I may or may not need to testify at the trial, at this point. Since the birthmother relinquished her rights, we're just dealing with terminating the rights of the two fathers now. I was mainly testifying about the older sister's condition when she came to us from the birth family, so my testimony might not be needed.

The caseworker DID receive an email from an adoptive caseworker of the one grandpa, who lives about 10 hours away, who is stating he DOES want to continue to pursue custody, and trying to get the department involved with logistics of making that happen. The caseworker and lawyer had already dismissed him as a potential home, because of the distance, and the fact that he is currently adopting three other grandchildren who have been removed from his son's home. It looks like he's continuing to make noise about it, but the caseworker and lawyer think the judge will agree with their decision to eliminate him as a placement change. One other main obstacle would be that, with the distance between us, there would be no opportunity for trial visits - it's too far to take the girls back and forth for an over night or several day visit until there is acclimation. Since we're meeting his ex-wife for the visit on the 4th, we're hoping she will like us, as the other grandmother did, and put in a good word for us so he would drop his custody suit as well. Of course, even if the judge denies him as a placement, he could come back and make an actual court case suing for custody and delay our adoption, and at that point we could get our own lawyer and have representation as parents who have had custody of the girls for 11 months - almost 12 months now. We're staying positive and praying that doesn't happen.

One VERY good piece of news is about our current separate living situation. I was up north with the rest of the fam for two weeks and returned yesterday; SO difficult. I really treasured that time, but man, we were all in tears the night before I left with the girls to come back down here. The caseworker let me know that, legally, we can be on "vacation" for up to 30 days at a time during the case, and she can make her visits with us during the time we are back. I asked her, "So, technically, I could go up there for 30 days, come back, see you, and a few days later go back for another 30 days?" She said YES, as long as the girls' lawyer is okay with it as well, and both of them can do their monthly visits during the time when we're back. (And if it doesn't work schedule-wise for those days/week(s), one or two Skype or Facetime visits would be acceptable.) GREAT NEWS!

As far as foster care certification, I'm set with all licenses and trainings until January! So hopefully I won't even need to do anything, assuming we can be done by November or December!

So, there you have it! We're feeling pretty positive, and continuing to choose joy in whatever circumstances we're in! Please pray for us that we can do so! Thanks, everyone, for reading!

Step By Step - Thursday's Visit

Things keep on moving forward, even if it is just in small increments.

We had our previously planned visit with the paternal grandmother on Thursday (Grandmother-of-Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl-potentially-also-of-Curly-Sue-but-we-don't-know-for-certain-because-paternity-test-hasn't-been-processed-yet). We met at a Chik-Fil-A near the CPS offices, which was much more fun than meeting in the visitation rooms at the department.

I was not "worried" about the visit, per se, but I definitely had a physical, anxious reaction to pulling up and walking into the building. I wasn't sure what to expect. This grandma was the last person on the list made by the families to get custody of the girls. (After 10 months of us having the girls, and being told at the beginning of the case that there were no other family members around/available, the court has gone through several names in the past month that were brought up by the three parents' lawyers at the July 9th hearing.) However, she had made comments to the caseworker that she would drop her custody seeking if she could meet me and see the girls to gauge how they were doing.

When she walked in, she came up with a big smile. I handed the baby over so grandma could hold her. Now, the big sister glanced at her, but didn't seem to recognize her - she walked right by and went to slide. I had her come back and say hello, but she still didn't seem to have any connection. That was interesting to see. We all just then settled down in the kid play to chat while Curly Sue played and the baby crawled around.

When our visit was only a couple of minutes in session, grandma said, "I need you to know that I'm not here to get in your way. I've already decided to stop seeking custody and I'm calling the lawyer today to tell her." That obviously made me feel a lot of relief!

Over the course of our hour together, she told me that the older sister had never looked better, and she looked "so clean, and healthy, and happy". She was interested in hearing about school, and if Curly Sue was making friends, and how she behaved and had adjusted over the year. Apparently, from even Curly Sue's birth, she was told that she was the grandmother (even though she is the boyfriend's mother and not the husband's mother). I guess the birthmother was telling both men they were biologically the fathers the entire time.

 "I wanted to come here today," she said to me, "to just ask that this not be the very last time I ever see or hear about my grandchildren. If you can tell me that I'll see them again in the future, or get pictures, that's enough for me. I don't need to be involved in your life and get in your way, but just to get updates would be good enough."

To answer that, I just replied that we could definitely work out details. We've learned from Little Guy's adoption, and from discussion with caseworkers and other adoptive parents, not to make promises and to not tie yourself down. This isn't to be deceitful or mean, but if you put in writing anything about visitations or times or expectations, then it can get very difficult if situations change, or if you stop feeling comfortable with having contact.

Right now, Little Guy's birthmother has my cell phone number (not my husband's, and not our home address, although she knows the town we live in), and we text periodically. But, there was a time when she was calling and texting several times a week, asking to talk to him or asking for pictures, and we had to maintain boundaries. We had to be assertive, and told her to trust us that we would be in contact and keep her updated, but that we preferred to be the ones initiating the contact.

With this situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable mailing pictures. I am very concerned about any of the three parents finding out our contact information and tracking us down. We have absolutely no contact with Miss A's parents for this reason. But we were fine with keeping in touch with Little Guy's birthmother. We even played at the park for an hour or so last year when she visited family in our area. We just take each situation as it comes. I had discussed with the caseworker a plan of sending her (the caseworker) pictures and updates, and she would forward them on to the grandmother, or other family members. I may create a special email address just for communicating with her and stay in touch that way.

Legally, the three birth parents are having their parental rights terminated - we aren't required to have any kind of contact with anybody from the birth family. We don't have to agree to anything at this point, or when(/if) the adoption is being finalized. But we've always read, and seen in our own experiences, that keeping an honest, age-appropriate openness benefits the children the most.

She was probably thinking along those same lines during our conversation. She told me, "Don't worry about me selling you out to my son, or to their mother. I don't want them to know where the girls are any more than you do. It would be too dangerous for the girls." That surprised me that she said that, and it must have taken a lot to admit that.

When it was time to leave, she gave me a big hug and said, "You have beautiful daughters, and you are a great mother. I couldn't ask for more for my grandchildren. Thank you for being in their lives." Very sweet words, and it made me emotional again! We left with a tentative plan to share birthday party details for Curly Sue at a park in town.

When we first began fostering, my worries revolved around the kids leaving us. That seemed to me the "worst" case scenario, an absolutely devastating situation, a life-ruining catastrophic ending. And guess what - then it happened to us. With seven children - so far. And we survived. I am not saying it wasn't awful, and there weren't crying, sobbing nights, and huge obstacles emotionally to overcome it. But we did overcome it.

My focus has stretched since the beginning, seven years ago when we began this journey with the foster care system. I do think about how upsetting it would be if these girls were placed with anyone but us at this point. I have cried over that already, since we know what that feels like.

But there is such a bigger picture in all of this, and so many other moving parts to think about. Besides just getting "what we want", in keeping the girls with us, we want to make sure we're all handling it well emotionally. We want to keep all of our children mentally healthy. We want them to have the best sense of self possible. We want them to grow up knowing they are so loved - by SO many people. We want to keep praying for the birth families, no matter what happens in the end. The hard part isn't "over" once/if we have full and permanent custody of the girls. There is a lifetime of navigating the waters of adoption, contact or lack thereof with the birth families. Everyone will be affected in different ways and this is a life-long journey for all of us.

Most importantly, we want to keep faith. We trust in an omnipotent God who knows the future, and has known it before any of us were created. He holds the end of our stories. We want to keep growing into the people He has created us to be, and the family He has planned for us. We don't want to waver when the road gets tough.

Job 38 says:

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

^"Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand. 
"Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels^[a] shouted for joy?

I'm not the one in charge. I don't like that. None of us like not being in control. Some of us have a harder time than others. I have a harder time letting go of control at some moments in life compared to others. But guess what? No matter how much I hate it, I'm not in control - I never have been. And that has been a freeing thought.

I can focus on today, on the here and now, because my heavenly Father already knows what the future holds. Bad stuff is still going to happen to me. We as a family can go through it all with Him, or without Him. 

... and back to the case!

So, from here, we're just waiting on the DNA results STILL for Curly Sue. Again, it's just a formality in terms of parental rights being terminated, since all three will be losing their parental rights at the trial - that's already determined. It's just the permanent custody that could be affected by the paternity test results.

However, this grandmother was the last of the long list of new family members to be looked at for custody. Everyone else has been eliminated. No other names have been brought forth. This should clear the way for the adoption process to begin as soon as the trial concludes.

Prayers for the paternity test to come back QUICKLY so we can get our court dates, make our move, and be back together as a complete family! Thanks, all! Love to everyone!

And Another Delay... But We're Still Thinking Positively

Our rescheduled trial date happened Thursday morning. It didn't go as we hoped.

The paternity test results came back for Brown Eyed Baby Girl, but not yet for the older sister. At least we know the testing was done, and is just caught up in the processing and filing at the DA's office. However, the judge decided to reschedule again after those results are officially back to the court. We're hoping the new trial is sometime in August.

Of course, any delay is an annoyance, but it rankles because of our current family situation. Some of you may not know that the Man of the House took a job out of state, back in my hometown. He had to begin being "on the clock" starting July 1st. We can't officially move the girls out of state until the adoption is official. Of course, we're not willing to just forget about them and leave them behind with a new foster family until this is finished, one way or another. However, this means that my husband and our two kids are currently in the new place, living with my parents until I (and hopefully the other two girls) can move up and get a place of our own. It has been very hard being separated, and lots of crying has happened from all involved parties! We keep telling ourselves that this is a blip of time in our life story compared to providing the girls a forever home, so we're keeping our chins up.

Hopefully, once we get the trial done, and assuming adoption is the next step, that will be done in 40-90 days. Prayers for Thanksgiving or Christmas TOGETHER in our new home, please!

BUT, since nothing can be uncomplicated, the grandmother of the dad who was proven to be baby's biological father is now pursuing custody of both girls. The judge ordered a home study to begin assessing the potential of the home as a new placement for the girls. Of course, this adds more anxiety AGAIN at what is supposed to be the very end of the case. The other family members whose names were brought forward last time were all eliminated as potential placements for one reason or another. So, this should be the LAST person to come forward and seek custody.

Two surprises happened, however. Biological mom actually signed relinquishment papers to end her parental rights this week. Sometimes this happens of its own accord, as a relinquishment looks better on a record than a termination of parental rights. Now, she didn't have anything in there asking US to keep custody of the girls and move towards adoption; I feel that she is still hoping for a family member to appear who will adopt the girls and keep them in her vicinity.

Also, the grandmother who is now wanting the girls asked to meet me at court. It may be that she is being pressured by the legal team representing her son to ask for the girls, and may be willing to rethink that. Even though her son's lawyer was pushing forward her desire for custody, she told the girls' caseworker on the side that, if she could see the girls one more time, and meet me, and feel comfortable that they are in a good home and taken care of, she will drop her custody suit. We have a Chik-Fil-A meeting set up for next Thursday for her to spend an hour with the girls and talk to me, with the caseworker supervising.

So, two things could happen - a) she could bow out of the homestudy, in which case we are the only placement and will move towards adoption as soon as the trial is done and the three parents' rights are officially terminated (which is not a question of happening at this point - we're just waiting on paternity testing to determine options for the girls' permanent placements). OR b) she will decide to keep pursuing custody and this will drag out further past the trial.

Because we have had the girls for almost a year, we have the option at that point to retain our own lawyer if this continues, and have representation to counter her desire for custody. We are being given a couple of names to look into. The caseworker said to wait on that though, until we know what this grandmother is going to decide.

SO... that's what is happening in out lives! Thank you for the encouragement, prayers, and happy thoughts. God is good, all the time!

"A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design... Look at your life through heaven's eyes." - Prince of Egypt

Here I Go Again...

Well, today didn't go quite as we had planned.

Instead of the trial happening to terminate the rights of the parents, and begin our path officially to adopting the girls, the judge agreed with the dissenting lawyer who wanted to reschedule so the DNA testing could be done. We held a permanency hearing instead.

We were in the court room for a while, the caseworker and lawyers taking turns speaking with the lawyers. The judge did listen to all of the information regarding the fathers' lack of involvement and the mother's gradual decline in participation of her services and visitations.

The judge did agree that we need to terminate the parental rights of all three parents, as the caseworker and kids' lawyer brought forward today. However, he agreed that the DNA test could determine the permanent placement of the girls. If the alleged father is in fact the actual, biological father, then members of his family need to have home studies done to see if any would be viable for custody of the girls.

In addition, three other names were brought forward from the families of the mother and the other father, to be considered for home studies.

First thing that happens when a child needs to be removed from a home is that the parents are asked for family members who could take in the children. The baby was in the hospital still and Curly Sue stayed a bit with her maternal grandmother at the very first part of this case, but it was not a suitable placement or good situation, and that's why they were placed with us. Three or four people were brought forward as potential placements way back then, but none of them were approved for one reason or another, and the girls settled in with us "for good", as no other names were ever brought forth throughout the case.

Now, this is ELEVEN MONTHS into the case. The baby has only known us as her family. The 4-year-old hasn't seen her birthmother since mid-April because of her lack of involvement. Neither father has ever visited with the baby. Older sister hasn't seen some of these family members in over a year, if ever, and for a preschooler, that's HUGE. We were so upset sitting there and hearing this, that these people would be willing to completely uproot the lives of their children. Yes, they are biologically part of their families, but if they really loved them, why go through pulling strings to find every random relative you can think of to take custody, and rip them out of the loving home they've known for almost a year?

The judge seemed to also feel our annoyance. He expressed anger with the parents for bringing forward these people this late into the case. And yet, he said, it is part of the law that family members who are brought forward have to be looked at to see if they would be appropriate placements. So he agreed to let further home studies be looked into for the girls' adoptive placements.

Where we stand now is this: trial has been reset for July 30th, with court orders to Dad #2 and the DA's office to have the DNA testing done the week before, so we definitely have paternity results and can move forward with termination and further plans for the girls.

In addition, the names that were given need to be investigated for home studies. Now, the girls' caseworker and lawyer assured us repeatedly that they are completely against any change in placement, that they will fight tooth and nail for our adoption to proceed. I feel confident that they will do everything in their power for the girls' best interests. However, if someone now comes up who is related to the girls and doesn't have extensive criminal histories or big red flags coming up on their home studies, policy is to keep families intact - no matter how long the kids have been with foster families - as we've seen in other cases.

We are obviously pretty shaken up. It was a rough day. This feels like deja vu from the twins' case, where the caseworker told us, "Oh, don't worry - this is absolutely just a formality. They won't leave your home. We want them to stay with you. No change in placement will really happen, just going through the motions..." And then BOOM they were gone from our home. We just really really do not want to go through this again.

I'd love prayers for positive attitudes, and for hope. This is not the end, and it doesn't mean necessarily that the girls would leave us. The caseworker and lawyer are adamant that the girls are too bonded with us to take them away just to make them be living with distant family members. The whole day was very deflating, nonetheless. We're mad, anxious, disbelieving, all of the above - GRRRRRRR!

Thank you for your support and prayers and happy thoughts. We need them! We'll be fine, we know that, regardless of what happens, but we count ourselves very blessed for every shoulder we can find to lean on during this waiting period! Thanks, y'all!

We Have Court Tomorrow... Or We're Supposed To...

So, just because nothing can go too easily or it would just be boring :-), we have a little bit of a snag hitting for tomorrow's termination trial.

One of the attorneys involved raised a stink today because the DNA paternity tests on the dads have not come in yet. She is saying we can't do trial until that comes in, just to dot the i's and cross the t's. Now, no one seems to have figured out so far this morning if the tests aren't in because they haven't been processed at the Attorney General's office, or because the dads have not gone to do them (again... for the third or fourth time they've been court-ordered to do so).

The girls' caseworker and lawyer are going to fight to push through and have the trial as scheduled tomorrow. As the lawyer said, if they waited for dads to follow through on paternity tests for every case, most every kid would age out of the system first before that ever happens. The caseworker said that the fathers have been non-compliant and absent the entire time anyway, and were going to be terminated on, whether they were alleged fathers or legal fathers or actual fathers. The dads have had this entire time (almost 11 months) to get their kids back, and if neither has even made the effort to do a cheek swab for a paternity test, they are not serious (or not serious enough) about attempting to get their kids back. Neither dad has ever attended a visit, or court beyond the first initial hearing in the fall, and don't even respond to messages from the caseworker or attorney.

The caseworker and lawyers are going to light fires at the DA's office to get the paperwork processed today if the tests have been done, and to put pressure on other lawyers to go ahead with the trial, as the plan is to terminate anyway regardless of which father is the father of whom.

Just stinks that the other lawyer is doing this the day before trial, but we know how these things go. Everyone tries to scramble at the end.

We may not have any birth parents at court tomorrow. Not a lot of contact has been happening between any of the three parents and the caseworkers/lawyers. It's very sad that this happens, but as it gets closer to termination, usually the parents get really desperate or they give up and fade away. It is impossible to ignore thinking about what they may be feeling and going through at this point, as it all sinks in that this is REAL and not a game. I'm praying really hard for peace and comfort and serenity for all of us, but I especially feel for what's happening to the three of them this week. (Regardless of how invested they are /  have been during this year.)

Prayers that the whole group will agree to go through and hear out the entire trial tomorrow, instead of postponing it until tests come in (which could be months if we leave it to the dads to follow through). Whether it's the dads who aren't following through or the Attorney General's office procrastinating, it doesn't change the fact that the plan has been to terminate the parental rights of both dads at the trial, whenever it is and whoever it is.

Anyway, we'll keep y'all up to date with what we know! Hopefully we hear good news today about going ahead tomorrow! Trying (and somewhat succeeding!) to keep calm! :-) God's got it! 

Que sera, sera! 

Love you all! Thanks for the support!

Resisting "Busyness'

We attended a Bible study group the other night. I treasure times when I get to catch up with people, spend some time in community, build each other up, study the Word... Good stuff!

Amid the clamoring "Hello!" and "Hey there!" greetings happening, I caught this little snippet of conversation. Two of the ladies were greeting each other. One asked that ubiquitous question we never get away from: "How are you?"

(It's such a habit to ask this, right? Do we really mean it? Are we ready and prepared to hear what people really have to say if they answered truthfully? But that's another train of thought...)

Of course, the second lady answered with that typical modern-day response, the one I use so often as well, "Oh, we're staying busy!"

The first lady replied, to my surprise,"Oh, that's no good." She continued (and I paraphrase), "When I get busy, I just feel stressed. It's better not to stay too busy."

These words have stuck with me since Saturday night. I probably thought more about it, imbibing it with more meaning, than the actual speaker of the words actually intended any of us to do. Yet, there was a lot of wisdom in this simple answer.

We seem to take an enormous amount of pride in being "busy", almost like it's a badge of honor to be "the busiest". Inside the competitive world of "busyness", who wins? Nobody. What's our motivation? To feel accomplished? To get a pat on the back? As a parent, are we involving our families in so many things to make ourselves feel better? As human beings, is this where we're finding our value - the number of pies into which we're sticking our fingers?

And yet, I don't think it's necessarily the actual quantity of "things" we do that make us busy. We've all seen that one person who seems to hold it together so well while being involved in every little aspect of work, school, church, and community. And then, when someone around us starts complaining about how much they have on our plate, we might roll our eyes when we think about how much more we are involved with than they are. (Or maybe that's just me... Guilty...)

I think it's more about our attitudes and inner demeanor while we're accomplishing everything. We all arguably have pretty busy lives. However, some of the busy days run like clockwork, but on other days, even if I actually have less to do, I feel more stressed.

I LOVE being involved. I am very active in my church and the school where my kids attend. Most of the time, I am at my best when I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot. That drives me, and gives me energy. Yes, I do tend to agree to take on things more than I should. But I honestly do enjoy having a full schedule. I do like living a full, fulfilling life. However, when I begin to feel stress because of any reason, even easy tasks seem to weigh me down and make me feel like things are overwhelming. Does that make sense?

This is obviously something that I'm needing to be more observant and intentional about in my own life. I want to make it a goal to be present in the moment and not worried about what's next on my agenda. Not that I'm not going to take care of what's next on my agenda. Just that I'm not worried or preoccupied with it to the point of ruining the joy I could be having in the middle of any given day. I'm going to be as active as I can, without letting it make me feel "busy". Once I feel "busy", I know I need to change something.

I feel that this is a two-headed dragon to slay.

1) Streamlining - whether that means schedule, finances, workload, to-do-list... Cut out the non-essentials. Simplify to be doing the things you actually enjoy doing or are the most important to you and your family. It's okay to say "No" to stretching yourself too thin.

AND maybe even more importantly -

2) Having the serenity to handle each day's tasks without giving into the feelings of being overwhelmed or anxious. It's all about perspective. Keeping a calm heart throughout any day - whether it's a "normally" busy day or not. Keeping tabs on my inner emotional workings can make any busy day just seem satisfying instead of draining. Am I really doing too much? Or is it just time to refocus and recharge emotionally, then get on with my day?

I think discerning what "busy" means can be different at varying points of life, or even at varying points of the seasons or the year. I am still discovering what this means to me and my family. I hope and pray that it is something I improve on in the future, as I continue to grow.

We live in a wonderful, beautiful, glorious world. Everywhere we look we see God's creation. With every person, there is the opportunity to share in community and relationship - a chance to connect and grow and feed each other emotionally. A full life is an amazing thing. A busy life is not. So many good things here - why let the busyness distract you from the blessings that this life does offer? Or the blessings that the activities provide with which you ARE involved? It's definitely a learning experience, but I look forward to genuinely enjoying our full, active life, and avoiding the "busyness" our modern world uses to ensnare us and steal our hope.

What about you? Are there any tips or ideas you have to make sure you're not too "busy"? What do you do when you find yourself feeling overworked and overstretched?

Step By Step... Fun with Doctors and Dentists!

Time for a little update on the girls' case.

Well... There's not all that much to update. We're just holding on until the July 9th court date, which as I've mentioned, is our next and last court appearance. This is where the judge will rule on whether the girls' parents will have their parental rights terminated, or if the girls will be reunified.

We've been having fun catching Curly Sue up on her medical care. We were pretty concerned with her basic hygiene and general medical status when she arrived. Nothing huge like a severe medical condition - it just seemed like she had had the absolute bare minimum of health care or personal care in the past, if any. She seemed to not understand what a bath meant (she shrieked, "Why are you putting water on my head?!" during the first bath experience at our house), couldn't recognize any fruit or vegetable besides a french fry, had no history of vaccinations, and had horrendous teeth issues. We knew going in that there would be a lot of catching up to do in these areas. This is pretty common for kids coming into foster care; you never know what kind of medical attention they had received in the past, up to obvious and blatant medical neglect. We have seen a lot of this in our own cases, and heard a lot of other stories from other foster parents.

Two weeks ago, she had a pretty big dental procedure - all in all, it ended up meaning three root canals and fourteen caps. The crowns that were placed on the back molars are silver, but the ones on the front teeth are white in color. She was a champ and had a quick recovery from the day, which involved a general anesthesia so she would be out during the entire thing and be able to have it all done in one appointment.

We also have been catching her up on her immunizations. She had no medical records saved. Ever. Besides a birth certificate. Nothing on file even with the state government health websites showing any appointments, procedures, or vaccinations. Sooo, she's been having to go on the "catch-up" schedule to get in all of the proper vaccines required. Basically we started from scratch. Of course, this means she REALLY loves going to doctor's appointments. Or not so much.

Thankfully, both girls are otherwise in very good health. Brown-Eyed Baby Girl - now 8 months old - is growing so big! She crawls incredibly quickly and of course gets into everything. She can pull herself up to stand, and even tries to let go and stand on her own. She will definitely be an early walker. Although the days of immobility were definitely easier, it is such a joy to see her curiosity as she explores her world. She babbles constantly. (She'll be a big talker as well - I'm getting what I deserve, I guess, right Grandma Eberhard?! :-) ) God definitely blessed us with an easy, happy-go-lucky baby and we love her to pieces.

The four kids get along so well. Definitely a prayer answered! It really has been a blessing to watch Miss A and Little Guy open up their hearts without questions. To share your home, your toys, and your parents with new kids may be a challenge, but these two are definitely up to it! All three big kids dote on the baby and would sit and just watch her all day if they could! It's a big help having my two little Mama Bears to help around the place and feed the baby if I get busy, and a loving big brother who makes her light up when he enters the room. He can make her laugh for hours!

As far as the direction the case is heading, it seems to be on the same trajectory. We had a long stretch of about three months with hardly any visitations granted to the birth mom, then we had three in a row, but now this week's visitation has been cancelled. Paternity tests were administered last week to definitively name the birth fathers of each girl in the court documents, although it won't have much bearing on the outcome at this point, as both continue to not be active in the case. Results should be announced next week.

So, basically, just looking forward to that final date in July, where we will know the status of the case once and for all. Again, that's the trial for termination. Following that, assuming the judge does terminate the birthparents' rights, we will move forward with the adoption. That adoption consummation court date will be anywhere from 30 days to 90 days following the termination ruling.

Possible roadblocks to our adopting the girls could be: a) an appeal being filed by one or more of the birthparents or b) an extension of some time given to the birthparents to continue working their service plan and be deemed "rehabilitated" enough to be reunified with the girls permanently. However, none of the lawyers for the birthparents have said they are interested in an appeal OR an extension - they seem to figure at this point, there's no validity for the court granting either.

It is of course difficult to once again be in a situation where you have absolutely no control over the outcome. All we can "do" is try to provide the best home we can for the girls - and of course for Miss A and our Little Guy.

I'll end with this song, which has been repeatedly in my head over the past weeks:

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding


Awesome words there!

Thanks, all!