Living Truly Pro-Life

On what should have been one of the happiest days of my life, discomfort was my only focus.

My husband Kyle and I fostered eleven children over the past seven years. We have adopted two – our daughter, now seven-years-old, and our son, now five-years-old. Seven of our foster children have been reunified with their biological families. Our most recent case involved a four-year-old girl and her newborn sister. After a year of caring for them, with caseworker visits, monthly reports, and court appearances, we were finally at the trial date. The caseworkers decided that the birthparents’ rights would be terminated, move forward with us adopting the girls.

I was mostly nervous about testifying in court during the trial. (I was there by myself, as my husband was teaching. The kids aren’t normally required to be present at the court appearances.) I as the foster mother would testify to the girls' conditions when they first came to us, and our interactions with the birthmother at the visits.

On top of those physiological nerves, I was feeling anxious wondering if the birthmother, “Michelle”, would attend. Michelle hadn't seen the girls in almost five months. Only a few months back, she signed relinquishment papers to voluntarily surrender her rights. This is a somewhat common occurrence IF termination of the parents’ rights appears inevitable. The birthparents sometimes sign relinquishment papers voluntarily to avoid a termination being put on their record.

However, Michelle had recently declared that signing was a mistake, and that she was requesting a new lawyer to help her take back the relinquishment and continue fighting for the girls. Obviously, it doesn't work that way, but I still wondered what she would do if she showed up to court. However relatively polite Michelle had been when we had met in the past, these recent actions led me to dread whatever confrontation we might have.

When I walked through the hallway and found our courtroom, I saw Michelle sitting on the bench outside. The nerves kicked in again. So many feelings – worry, sadness, grief, anxiety.

And so, with my heart pounding and stomach churning, I went to the restroom to get it together. Honestly, it probably was due to cowardice; I wanted to stay removed from all of these emotions and thoughts rapidly flowing through me.

I have seen a quote by Jody Landers that goes like this: “A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” How true this is. Although incredibly joy-filled with knowing that the girls would be part of our forever-family, of being done with the court proceedings, my husband and I were aware that our joy comes at someone else’s great misery. Nobody was playing the “us versus them” game, but on that day the path would be permanently chosen – us versus her. Not a comfortable day to be living through, from anyone’s perspective.

Once I took some deep breaths and collected myself, I was now ready to calmly exit, ready for our case to be called into the courtroom.

And my foster children’s birthmother was standing there washing her hands at the sinks.

She looked up as I walked out and our eyes met. I blandly smiled, and she gave me a watery smile back and looked away. I began washing my hands at the sink next to hers.

Ugh. Could this be any more awkward?

At this point, something became crystal clear to me. Yup, it was awkward. The birthmother on the day her parental rights are terminated and the adoptive mother going home to them after court concludes. We were “supposed” to be on opposite “sides”. Shouldn’t she be angry at me for stealing her rightful place as her children’s mother? Shouldn’t I be judgmental and condescending, knowing everything in her life and lifestyle that led to the removal of her children? Shouldn’t we hate each other as adversaries?

And it truly hit me that Michelle was not the “other side”. She was the mother of my children – or, rather, the children who, by God’s goodness, would soon be named part of my family forever. Here was a young woman, only a few years younger than I was, who had been torn up by life’s hardness. Trapped in a deep hole of her own making, with each day proving more difficult to overcome. Without support of family or friends, much less a committed husband. No steady home life growing up and now a single mom going from job to job, and from place to place. Unhealthy influences all around, all her life. My modest life seemed palatial in comparison. Today was the day on which her last link to her two daughters would be forever severed. It mattered not to that she was facing the consequences of her actions. She wasn’t a rival in some game - but someone hurting.

At that point, my nervousness and anxiety about this day seemed selfish. How could I stand there silently, because I felt “awkward”, when someone was aching beside me? Chastised, I threw up a quick prayer for forgiveness. And then the thought surfaced, “Well, if it were me, I’m sure I could use a hug.” Then, “Do it. Can’t get any more awkward.”

I dried my hands, walked over, and threw my arms around her. I told her that we recognized how painful this day was for her. That for today at least, hurt for her was overshadowing any excitement we could feel. I told her how much we loved those little girls, and I choked up as I vowed to care for them to the best of my ability all my life. I told her she would always be in our prayers.

Her tears now flowing as well, she thanked me. She humbly expressed gratitude for us loving her children as much as she did. She acknowledged that her life was currently unstable, and that she knew she was unable to care for the girls the way she would like. She went on to say an abundance of kind affirmations for my husband and me that soothed my soul. We stood there, talking, bonded by our love for our children, the conversation comforting each of us, if even just a degree.

We hugged again as we exited the women’s restroom. She turned to me and said, “I’m not going to fight the relinquishment papers today. If I can’t be there for my daughters, at least I know they have you in their lives.”

Our case was called into the courtroom soon afterwards. Michelle was the first witness on the stand. She stated that she was voluntarily relinquishing her rights and supportive of an adoption by our family. As soon as she was dismissed, she walked out of the courtroom without a backward glance, out of our family’s lives.

I am pro-life. And this encounter with Michelle expanded my view of what that means.

We have been incredibly blessed through the gift of adoption, with two children already adopted and two more very soon. But before this, we experienced years of praying and hoping for a child. Naturally, that made us extra sensitive regarding children who need a home, who are neglected or abused or unwanted.

In terms of babies, I believe life begins at conception, each human a glorious unfolding of God-given potential - regardless of background or the way in which the baby was conceived. The concept of abortion breaks my heart. I would lovingly tell ANY woman considering abortion, without judgment, that if she doesn’t desire to parent her baby, we would be honored to do so. I know numerous other families have struggled with infertility (or haven’t) and feel similarly. Every abortion could have been a baby, an answer to the prayers of a loving family. Isaiah 1:17 (ESV) tells us, “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.” Christians use this verse to support adoption, and the loving provision of homes to children who need them. Everyone is, surely, moved by the sight of a helpless baby, and willing to extend caring arms to lift up that child.

The majority of Christians in America today would identify themselves as “pro-life.” But to some of our fellow Americans, that just appears to mean that we are anti-abortion and it might not mean much else. As the Casting Crowns song “Jesus, Friend of Sinners” aptly states, “Nobody knows what we’re for, only what we’re against when we judge the wounded. What if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did?” While abortion is unequivocally against our pro-life stance, what if more could be shown in our declarations?

I am so tired of hearing that pro-life Christians are only against abortions, but not for helping those babies once they are born, nor the mothers who choose life for their babies but subsequently have to live in poverty and be a “drain on the system.” False.

Recently following the comments attached to an online article on the topic, I repeatedly saw, “If you’re against abortion, what have you personally as a so-called Christian done yourself for these unwanted babies? Have you fostered or adopted children? Have you fed the hungry or invited the homeless into your home?” That irks me, knowing that so many loving Christians DO accomplish much good in their communities because of their understanding that all life is sacred.

However, that’s a fair challenge.

I am not saying that all Christians follow that stereotype. But what witness does our world see about Christ and His Church from the news, the media, from our everyday actions? What if we went above and beyond to prove that we value ALL life as our God does?

By declaring that I am “pro-life”, I am not called to be concerned with only adorable babies. Could the verse above focus on modern-day single mothers and foster children? How about a homeless person we see on the corner? What about someone from a different cultural or socio-economic experience than us, or in another part of the world? Aren’t their lives valuable to their Creator? Could our valuing life extend to the annoying or hurtful person at work or in our church?

I love my babies. They needed a home and we jumped at the chance to be their parents. We were called to this life of fostering and adopting as our parenting journey, and feel blessed to be used in this manner. And that day, being with Michelle helped me realize that every interaction we have is an opportunity to be pro-life. Jesus’s words clearly say, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” (Matthew 25:40, ESV) Even if it’s not natural or feels weird. Hugging the birthmother of my adoptive children and crying in a bathroom with her? At that moment, that felt like being pro-life to me.

All life is sacred. All life. That’s why Christians are against abortion, which ends a life. It’s important to spread our message in gentle love that babies have rights as well as women. There are so many families ready to adopt, and many organizations willing to walk beside those in need in a caring manner. This part IS incredibly important to us and to our Creator.

AND, beyond the abortion issue, let’s be known for proclaiming God’s love and salvation to all mankind. We may not agree with each other on everything, but we can still value people and extend compassion. We can still step out in faith, even when it’s uncomfortable. Let’s get messy in this wonderful, crazy community God has provided for us – at home, in our country, and throughout His world.

What can you do today to share His mercy? Think big or small! Go participate in a missionary trip overseas. But also... Go invite someone to Thanksgiving dinner who may be alone or in need of a meal. Go volunteer in a food pantry or crisis pregnancy center in your home town. Go pray about what God’s people can do regarding the refugee crisis happening right now. Whatever it is, GO! DO!

I share about that day not to bring attention to myself or our family. I am guilty of so many lost chances when I could have shared kindness, of not wanting to love uncomfortably. I was convicted and humbled as I remembered “what kind of love the Father has given to us”. (1 John 3:1) If He can lavish me with love, grace, and daily forgiveness, I can in some small way, with the help of His Spirit, attempt to do so to my fellow human beings - however many mistakes I make along the way.

God inspired James to write, “Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” (James 2:17, ESV) Let’s show the world a living faith that moves beyond politics and boundaries, beyond comfort zones.

We're Still Here!

Time for a quick update!

Timeline: We are now scheduled for a December 16th adoption consummation date. The newly assigned adoption worker says that it is actually Texas law that no adoption to unrelated foster families can happen within ninety days of the termination trial. The family gets ninety days to file an appeal or put forward even more names for consideration to adopt the girls. There is no intention to do either one, as far as the workers have discussed with the biological family members, so that's not going to be an issue.

Process: We have lots of paperwork to fill out to make the adoption happen, but we're basically finished. One last big thing that will happen is the reading of the HSEGH, or the Health, Social, Education, and Genetic History file. This tells us EVERYTHING that the department has found about the children and ANY biological family members. It's the kind of thing where they reserve a little room and you sit for four hours reading paper after paper. BUT at least you know every last piece of information that is possibly available to you. Not that anything would change our mind about adopting the girls at this point; it's a routine formality that happens with any foster care adoption.

Travel: We are still following the 3-weeks-in-Colorado-1-week-in-Texas schedule agreed to by the caseworkers. This is sure more do-able than the longer stretches of time. I should be back in Texas for one more week in November, and then hopefully only back for the adoption on December 16th for that month and then DONE!

Kids: All four kids are handling the transition well. School is going well, everyone is making new friends, etc. We have our days of teary-ness, but, for the most part, they are really being troopers. It's obviously been tough on them, as on my husband and on me, and some days are better than others. We can't wait to be together and actually feel settled. We're so ready to move onto the next chapter of our lives completely and as an undivided unit.

Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement! We're challenging ourselves to make this as positive as possible, and not just "survive" it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Heading back to Colorado tomorrow! Woohoo! Lots of love, everyone!

God Blessed the Broken Road

What a long and emotional day! We FINALLY had our termination trial today to decide the girls' permanent placement. At the end of it, termination was granted on all three parents, and a tentative adoption date set!

That's the short story. A lot happened and I feel very up and down - definitely a lot to take in and process. Of course, we're ecstatic and can't WAIT to have the girls be officially part of our forever family.

I was incredibly nervous anticipating having to testify. I don't get stage fright, per se, but it is sweat-inducing to have to walk up to the witness stand, swear to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth", and then be asked questions - and cross-examined by the "other" attorneys, all while the people about which you are testifying are listening and watching you. I was supposed to be called up to share what the health status of particularly Curly Sue was when she arrived at our house, detailing what kind of physical and emotional condition she was in, as well as discuss the baby's NICU stay and the process of getting her healthy when she was born. I knew I needed to do what I needed to do, but it's hard, as a people pleaser, to think about saying negative things about someone to their faces, especially when said testimony is to help clinch the termination of their parental rights. I KNOW this isn't gossip or being negative to be negative, and it's the truth and part of the case, and needs to be done, etc., but that still doesn't make it easy to do it.

It turns out that I didn't need to testify. The birthmother did come forward to say she was relinquishing her rights voluntarily. As my testimony would have dealt with her, as the older sister was in her care when removed, I did not have to testify. She and I had a wonderful encounter in the restroom beforehand, which I want to write in further detail in the near future.

Another of the fathers declared voluntary relinquishment as well. The third parent was terminated on for failure to work services over the course of the year. The birth mother had left immediately following her statement of relinquishment. All in all, this went fairly quickly.

At the end, right before dismissal, the girls' lawyer asked for the special provision for an expedited adoption, as the girls have been with us 11 1/2 months. The judge happily agreed, and even penciled us in on her calendar for November 12th. She said she is already doing an adoption that morning, and that it would be fun to complete our adoptions together, "maybe have cake and a party or something!"

All in all, SO happy to be finished with the trial part of this journey. Ready for adoption to happen and to be back together as a family! Our adoption attorney is already working on filing the paperwork, and everything should be smooth sailing from here on out!

We get to go visit up north for three weeks, return for a week or so, go BACK up north for three weeks, and that should about be time for the adoption to happen!

This was a quick update, but thank you for sharing in our joy! Blessings!

Almost There

It seems like I have been starting out the latest blog posts the same way - "well, We're plugging along... It's moving, slowly by surely..." I do have some updates on the case today after speaking with the girls' caseworker yesterday.

The paternity test FINALLY came back for Curly Sue, and she is biologically the child of the OTHER father from Brown-Eyed Baby Girl, which means she and the baby are genetically half-sisters. Again, this doesn't matter much to the end result of the custody of the girls, but it is good to know and to have in the court documents when we go to trial.

Dad #2's mother has contacted her son's lawyer and dropped the custody suit, and will testify to such if needed at the trial. Mom's mother keeps on contacting the girls' caseworker for a visit, since the other grandmother was able to see them, so we are doing that on September 4th. (However, she is not and hasn't been in the quest for custody - Curly Sue was with her when the baby was first born, but had to be removed, which is why the girls went into a foster care - adoptive placement.)

We still don't have a new court date, but the respective attorneys and caseworkers and court officials are meeting this Friday to set a date together. September 16th was the date, but needed to be rescheduled for the Assistant District Attorney couldn't make that date. Now, the girls' caseworker will be out from September 18th-28th, which means if we delay again, it will mean not reconvening until October. However, the caseworker said she is going to push to get on our judge's docket for sometime next week, so we may be rescheduling for SOONER rather than later. That would be good!

I may or may not need to testify at the trial, at this point. Since the birthmother relinquished her rights, we're just dealing with terminating the rights of the two fathers now. I was mainly testifying about the older sister's condition when she came to us from the birth family, so my testimony might not be needed.

The caseworker DID receive an email from an adoptive caseworker of the one grandpa, who lives about 10 hours away, who is stating he DOES want to continue to pursue custody, and trying to get the department involved with logistics of making that happen. The caseworker and lawyer had already dismissed him as a potential home, because of the distance, and the fact that he is currently adopting three other grandchildren who have been removed from his son's home. It looks like he's continuing to make noise about it, but the caseworker and lawyer think the judge will agree with their decision to eliminate him as a placement change. One other main obstacle would be that, with the distance between us, there would be no opportunity for trial visits - it's too far to take the girls back and forth for an over night or several day visit until there is acclimation. Since we're meeting his ex-wife for the visit on the 4th, we're hoping she will like us, as the other grandmother did, and put in a good word for us so he would drop his custody suit as well. Of course, even if the judge denies him as a placement, he could come back and make an actual court case suing for custody and delay our adoption, and at that point we could get our own lawyer and have representation as parents who have had custody of the girls for 11 months - almost 12 months now. We're staying positive and praying that doesn't happen.

One VERY good piece of news is about our current separate living situation. I was up north with the rest of the fam for two weeks and returned yesterday; SO difficult. I really treasured that time, but man, we were all in tears the night before I left with the girls to come back down here. The caseworker let me know that, legally, we can be on "vacation" for up to 30 days at a time during the case, and she can make her visits with us during the time we are back. I asked her, "So, technically, I could go up there for 30 days, come back, see you, and a few days later go back for another 30 days?" She said YES, as long as the girls' lawyer is okay with it as well, and both of them can do their monthly visits during the time when we're back. (And if it doesn't work schedule-wise for those days/week(s), one or two Skype or Facetime visits would be acceptable.) GREAT NEWS!

As far as foster care certification, I'm set with all licenses and trainings until January! So hopefully I won't even need to do anything, assuming we can be done by November or December!

So, there you have it! We're feeling pretty positive, and continuing to choose joy in whatever circumstances we're in! Please pray for us that we can do so! Thanks, everyone, for reading!

Step By Step - Thursday's Visit

Things keep on moving forward, even if it is just in small increments.

We had our previously planned visit with the paternal grandmother on Thursday (Grandmother-of-Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl-potentially-also-of-Curly-Sue-but-we-don't-know-for-certain-because-paternity-test-hasn't-been-processed-yet). We met at a Chik-Fil-A near the CPS offices, which was much more fun than meeting in the visitation rooms at the department.

I was not "worried" about the visit, per se, but I definitely had a physical, anxious reaction to pulling up and walking into the building. I wasn't sure what to expect. This grandma was the last person on the list made by the families to get custody of the girls. (After 10 months of us having the girls, and being told at the beginning of the case that there were no other family members around/available, the court has gone through several names in the past month that were brought up by the three parents' lawyers at the July 9th hearing.) However, she had made comments to the caseworker that she would drop her custody seeking if she could meet me and see the girls to gauge how they were doing.

When she walked in, she came up with a big smile. I handed the baby over so grandma could hold her. Now, the big sister glanced at her, but didn't seem to recognize her - she walked right by and went to slide. I had her come back and say hello, but she still didn't seem to have any connection. That was interesting to see. We all just then settled down in the kid play to chat while Curly Sue played and the baby crawled around.

When our visit was only a couple of minutes in session, grandma said, "I need you to know that I'm not here to get in your way. I've already decided to stop seeking custody and I'm calling the lawyer today to tell her." That obviously made me feel a lot of relief!

Over the course of our hour together, she told me that the older sister had never looked better, and she looked "so clean, and healthy, and happy". She was interested in hearing about school, and if Curly Sue was making friends, and how she behaved and had adjusted over the year. Apparently, from even Curly Sue's birth, she was told that she was the grandmother (even though she is the boyfriend's mother and not the husband's mother). I guess the birthmother was telling both men they were biologically the fathers the entire time.

 "I wanted to come here today," she said to me, "to just ask that this not be the very last time I ever see or hear about my grandchildren. If you can tell me that I'll see them again in the future, or get pictures, that's enough for me. I don't need to be involved in your life and get in your way, but just to get updates would be good enough."

To answer that, I just replied that we could definitely work out details. We've learned from Little Guy's adoption, and from discussion with caseworkers and other adoptive parents, not to make promises and to not tie yourself down. This isn't to be deceitful or mean, but if you put in writing anything about visitations or times or expectations, then it can get very difficult if situations change, or if you stop feeling comfortable with having contact.

Right now, Little Guy's birthmother has my cell phone number (not my husband's, and not our home address, although she knows the town we live in), and we text periodically. But, there was a time when she was calling and texting several times a week, asking to talk to him or asking for pictures, and we had to maintain boundaries. We had to be assertive, and told her to trust us that we would be in contact and keep her updated, but that we preferred to be the ones initiating the contact.

With this situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable mailing pictures. I am very concerned about any of the three parents finding out our contact information and tracking us down. We have absolutely no contact with Miss A's parents for this reason. But we were fine with keeping in touch with Little Guy's birthmother. We even played at the park for an hour or so last year when she visited family in our area. We just take each situation as it comes. I had discussed with the caseworker a plan of sending her (the caseworker) pictures and updates, and she would forward them on to the grandmother, or other family members. I may create a special email address just for communicating with her and stay in touch that way.

Legally, the three birth parents are having their parental rights terminated - we aren't required to have any kind of contact with anybody from the birth family. We don't have to agree to anything at this point, or when(/if) the adoption is being finalized. But we've always read, and seen in our own experiences, that keeping an honest, age-appropriate openness benefits the children the most.

She was probably thinking along those same lines during our conversation. She told me, "Don't worry about me selling you out to my son, or to their mother. I don't want them to know where the girls are any more than you do. It would be too dangerous for the girls." That surprised me that she said that, and it must have taken a lot to admit that.

When it was time to leave, she gave me a big hug and said, "You have beautiful daughters, and you are a great mother. I couldn't ask for more for my grandchildren. Thank you for being in their lives." Very sweet words, and it made me emotional again! We left with a tentative plan to share birthday party details for Curly Sue at a park in town.

When we first began fostering, my worries revolved around the kids leaving us. That seemed to me the "worst" case scenario, an absolutely devastating situation, a life-ruining catastrophic ending. And guess what - then it happened to us. With seven children - so far. And we survived. I am not saying it wasn't awful, and there weren't crying, sobbing nights, and huge obstacles emotionally to overcome it. But we did overcome it.

My focus has stretched since the beginning, seven years ago when we began this journey with the foster care system. I do think about how upsetting it would be if these girls were placed with anyone but us at this point. I have cried over that already, since we know what that feels like.

But there is such a bigger picture in all of this, and so many other moving parts to think about. Besides just getting "what we want", in keeping the girls with us, we want to make sure we're all handling it well emotionally. We want to keep all of our children mentally healthy. We want them to have the best sense of self possible. We want them to grow up knowing they are so loved - by SO many people. We want to keep praying for the birth families, no matter what happens in the end. The hard part isn't "over" once/if we have full and permanent custody of the girls. There is a lifetime of navigating the waters of adoption, contact or lack thereof with the birth families. Everyone will be affected in different ways and this is a life-long journey for all of us.

Most importantly, we want to keep faith. We trust in an omnipotent God who knows the future, and has known it before any of us were created. He holds the end of our stories. We want to keep growing into the people He has created us to be, and the family He has planned for us. We don't want to waver when the road gets tough.

Job 38 says:

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

^"Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand. 
"Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels^[a] shouted for joy?

I'm not the one in charge. I don't like that. None of us like not being in control. Some of us have a harder time than others. I have a harder time letting go of control at some moments in life compared to others. But guess what? No matter how much I hate it, I'm not in control - I never have been. And that has been a freeing thought.

I can focus on today, on the here and now, because my heavenly Father already knows what the future holds. Bad stuff is still going to happen to me. We as a family can go through it all with Him, or without Him. 

... and back to the case!

So, from here, we're just waiting on the DNA results STILL for Curly Sue. Again, it's just a formality in terms of parental rights being terminated, since all three will be losing their parental rights at the trial - that's already determined. It's just the permanent custody that could be affected by the paternity test results.

However, this grandmother was the last of the long list of new family members to be looked at for custody. Everyone else has been eliminated. No other names have been brought forth. This should clear the way for the adoption process to begin as soon as the trial concludes.

Prayers for the paternity test to come back QUICKLY so we can get our court dates, make our move, and be back together as a complete family! Thanks, all! Love to everyone!

Here I Go Again...

Well, today didn't go quite as we had planned.

Instead of the trial happening to terminate the rights of the parents, and begin our path officially to adopting the girls, the judge agreed with the dissenting lawyer who wanted to reschedule so the DNA testing could be done. We held a permanency hearing instead.

We were in the court room for a while, the caseworker and lawyers taking turns speaking with the lawyers. The judge did listen to all of the information regarding the fathers' lack of involvement and the mother's gradual decline in participation of her services and visitations.

The judge did agree that we need to terminate the parental rights of all three parents, as the caseworker and kids' lawyer brought forward today. However, he agreed that the DNA test could determine the permanent placement of the girls. If the alleged father is in fact the actual, biological father, then members of his family need to have home studies done to see if any would be viable for custody of the girls.

In addition, three other names were brought forward from the families of the mother and the other father, to be considered for home studies.

First thing that happens when a child needs to be removed from a home is that the parents are asked for family members who could take in the children. The baby was in the hospital still and Curly Sue stayed a bit with her maternal grandmother at the very first part of this case, but it was not a suitable placement or good situation, and that's why they were placed with us. Three or four people were brought forward as potential placements way back then, but none of them were approved for one reason or another, and the girls settled in with us "for good", as no other names were ever brought forth throughout the case.

Now, this is ELEVEN MONTHS into the case. The baby has only known us as her family. The 4-year-old hasn't seen her birthmother since mid-April because of her lack of involvement. Neither father has ever visited with the baby. Older sister hasn't seen some of these family members in over a year, if ever, and for a preschooler, that's HUGE. We were so upset sitting there and hearing this, that these people would be willing to completely uproot the lives of their children. Yes, they are biologically part of their families, but if they really loved them, why go through pulling strings to find every random relative you can think of to take custody, and rip them out of the loving home they've known for almost a year?

The judge seemed to also feel our annoyance. He expressed anger with the parents for bringing forward these people this late into the case. And yet, he said, it is part of the law that family members who are brought forward have to be looked at to see if they would be appropriate placements. So he agreed to let further home studies be looked into for the girls' adoptive placements.

Where we stand now is this: trial has been reset for July 30th, with court orders to Dad #2 and the DA's office to have the DNA testing done the week before, so we definitely have paternity results and can move forward with termination and further plans for the girls.

In addition, the names that were given need to be investigated for home studies. Now, the girls' caseworker and lawyer assured us repeatedly that they are completely against any change in placement, that they will fight tooth and nail for our adoption to proceed. I feel confident that they will do everything in their power for the girls' best interests. However, if someone now comes up who is related to the girls and doesn't have extensive criminal histories or big red flags coming up on their home studies, policy is to keep families intact - no matter how long the kids have been with foster families - as we've seen in other cases.

We are obviously pretty shaken up. It was a rough day. This feels like deja vu from the twins' case, where the caseworker told us, "Oh, don't worry - this is absolutely just a formality. They won't leave your home. We want them to stay with you. No change in placement will really happen, just going through the motions..." And then BOOM they were gone from our home. We just really really do not want to go through this again.

I'd love prayers for positive attitudes, and for hope. This is not the end, and it doesn't mean necessarily that the girls would leave us. The caseworker and lawyer are adamant that the girls are too bonded with us to take them away just to make them be living with distant family members. The whole day was very deflating, nonetheless. We're mad, anxious, disbelieving, all of the above - GRRRRRRR!

Thank you for your support and prayers and happy thoughts. We need them! We'll be fine, we know that, regardless of what happens, but we count ourselves very blessed for every shoulder we can find to lean on during this waiting period! Thanks, y'all!

We Have Court Tomorrow... Or We're Supposed To...

So, just because nothing can go too easily or it would just be boring :-), we have a little bit of a snag hitting for tomorrow's termination trial.

One of the attorneys involved raised a stink today because the DNA paternity tests on the dads have not come in yet. She is saying we can't do trial until that comes in, just to dot the i's and cross the t's. Now, no one seems to have figured out so far this morning if the tests aren't in because they haven't been processed at the Attorney General's office, or because the dads have not gone to do them (again... for the third or fourth time they've been court-ordered to do so).

The girls' caseworker and lawyer are going to fight to push through and have the trial as scheduled tomorrow. As the lawyer said, if they waited for dads to follow through on paternity tests for every case, most every kid would age out of the system first before that ever happens. The caseworker said that the fathers have been non-compliant and absent the entire time anyway, and were going to be terminated on, whether they were alleged fathers or legal fathers or actual fathers. The dads have had this entire time (almost 11 months) to get their kids back, and if neither has even made the effort to do a cheek swab for a paternity test, they are not serious (or not serious enough) about attempting to get their kids back. Neither dad has ever attended a visit, or court beyond the first initial hearing in the fall, and don't even respond to messages from the caseworker or attorney.

The caseworker and lawyers are going to light fires at the DA's office to get the paperwork processed today if the tests have been done, and to put pressure on other lawyers to go ahead with the trial, as the plan is to terminate anyway regardless of which father is the father of whom.

Just stinks that the other lawyer is doing this the day before trial, but we know how these things go. Everyone tries to scramble at the end.

We may not have any birth parents at court tomorrow. Not a lot of contact has been happening between any of the three parents and the caseworkers/lawyers. It's very sad that this happens, but as it gets closer to termination, usually the parents get really desperate or they give up and fade away. It is impossible to ignore thinking about what they may be feeling and going through at this point, as it all sinks in that this is REAL and not a game. I'm praying really hard for peace and comfort and serenity for all of us, but I especially feel for what's happening to the three of them this week. (Regardless of how invested they are /  have been during this year.)

Prayers that the whole group will agree to go through and hear out the entire trial tomorrow, instead of postponing it until tests come in (which could be months if we leave it to the dads to follow through). Whether it's the dads who aren't following through or the Attorney General's office procrastinating, it doesn't change the fact that the plan has been to terminate the parental rights of both dads at the trial, whenever it is and whoever it is.

Anyway, we'll keep y'all up to date with what we know! Hopefully we hear good news today about going ahead tomorrow! Trying (and somewhat succeeding!) to keep calm! :-) God's got it! 

Que sera, sera! 

Love you all! Thanks for the support!

Step By Step... Fun with Doctors and Dentists!

Time for a little update on the girls' case.

Well... There's not all that much to update. We're just holding on until the July 9th court date, which as I've mentioned, is our next and last court appearance. This is where the judge will rule on whether the girls' parents will have their parental rights terminated, or if the girls will be reunified.

We've been having fun catching Curly Sue up on her medical care. We were pretty concerned with her basic hygiene and general medical status when she arrived. Nothing huge like a severe medical condition - it just seemed like she had had the absolute bare minimum of health care or personal care in the past, if any. She seemed to not understand what a bath meant (she shrieked, "Why are you putting water on my head?!" during the first bath experience at our house), couldn't recognize any fruit or vegetable besides a french fry, had no history of vaccinations, and had horrendous teeth issues. We knew going in that there would be a lot of catching up to do in these areas. This is pretty common for kids coming into foster care; you never know what kind of medical attention they had received in the past, up to obvious and blatant medical neglect. We have seen a lot of this in our own cases, and heard a lot of other stories from other foster parents.

Two weeks ago, she had a pretty big dental procedure - all in all, it ended up meaning three root canals and fourteen caps. The crowns that were placed on the back molars are silver, but the ones on the front teeth are white in color. She was a champ and had a quick recovery from the day, which involved a general anesthesia so she would be out during the entire thing and be able to have it all done in one appointment.

We also have been catching her up on her immunizations. She had no medical records saved. Ever. Besides a birth certificate. Nothing on file even with the state government health websites showing any appointments, procedures, or vaccinations. Sooo, she's been having to go on the "catch-up" schedule to get in all of the proper vaccines required. Basically we started from scratch. Of course, this means she REALLY loves going to doctor's appointments. Or not so much.

Thankfully, both girls are otherwise in very good health. Brown-Eyed Baby Girl - now 8 months old - is growing so big! She crawls incredibly quickly and of course gets into everything. She can pull herself up to stand, and even tries to let go and stand on her own. She will definitely be an early walker. Although the days of immobility were definitely easier, it is such a joy to see her curiosity as she explores her world. She babbles constantly. (She'll be a big talker as well - I'm getting what I deserve, I guess, right Grandma Eberhard?! :-) ) God definitely blessed us with an easy, happy-go-lucky baby and we love her to pieces.

The four kids get along so well. Definitely a prayer answered! It really has been a blessing to watch Miss A and Little Guy open up their hearts without questions. To share your home, your toys, and your parents with new kids may be a challenge, but these two are definitely up to it! All three big kids dote on the baby and would sit and just watch her all day if they could! It's a big help having my two little Mama Bears to help around the place and feed the baby if I get busy, and a loving big brother who makes her light up when he enters the room. He can make her laugh for hours!

As far as the direction the case is heading, it seems to be on the same trajectory. We had a long stretch of about three months with hardly any visitations granted to the birth mom, then we had three in a row, but now this week's visitation has been cancelled. Paternity tests were administered last week to definitively name the birth fathers of each girl in the court documents, although it won't have much bearing on the outcome at this point, as both continue to not be active in the case. Results should be announced next week.

So, basically, just looking forward to that final date in July, where we will know the status of the case once and for all. Again, that's the trial for termination. Following that, assuming the judge does terminate the birthparents' rights, we will move forward with the adoption. That adoption consummation court date will be anywhere from 30 days to 90 days following the termination ruling.

Possible roadblocks to our adopting the girls could be: a) an appeal being filed by one or more of the birthparents or b) an extension of some time given to the birthparents to continue working their service plan and be deemed "rehabilitated" enough to be reunified with the girls permanently. However, none of the lawyers for the birthparents have said they are interested in an appeal OR an extension - they seem to figure at this point, there's no validity for the court granting either.

It is of course difficult to once again be in a situation where you have absolutely no control over the outcome. All we can "do" is try to provide the best home we can for the girls - and of course for Miss A and our Little Guy.

I'll end with this song, which has been repeatedly in my head over the past weeks:

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding


Awesome words there!

Thanks, all!

Catching Up

Six months is a long time to cover, but I will attempt to do our journey justice with this post updating since the girls came to our home in the fall!

I mentioned that we got the call about the siblings (4-year-old girl, infant sister in NICU) on a Friday afternoon. We made the requisite Target trip to grab some essentials, knowing we would go back and get more once we knew the girls' sizes and likes/dislikes. But you gotta start somewhere, right? A few outfits, pajamas, socks and underwear, a welcoming toy for the 4-year-old - and barely even knowing where to start with the baby, since we didn't know exact size for clothes and diapers, what formula, with which bottles and pacifiers was she familiar, etc. This could be a post topic all in itself!

The plans were made for the big sister to come to our house as soon as possible; the baby would be in the NICU for an indeterminate amount of time, and we would learn more over the next few days.

When the Investigator in charge of the case at that time brought Curly Sue through the door, I wasn't prepared for the reaction. The little one threw herself into my arms, sobbing, "They took me away from my Mommy, and I don't know what's going on." We had had basically non-speaking age placements (besides Big Sister of the twins), so it was very different to have the little one articulate what she was feeling. Of course, you try to make the transition as smooth as possible, and have as much compassion for the emotional upheaval that's happening - but to hear it being articulated is something else than experiencing it in a baby or young toddler.

While we signed papers with the Investigator, Curly Sue rocked in my lap, still crying. Over and over again, "They took me away from my Mommy." Miss A and Little Guy were amazing troopers, trying their hardest to distract and engage her - "Here's a Barbie!" "Here's my favorite truck!" "Here, we have 'Frozen'! We can watch it!" Every time, Curly Sue would say, "But I can't play with you, because they took me away from my Mommy." Finally, Miss A said, "Do you want to come play piano with me?" And the two girls walked hand in hand to the piano and began playing around on it. We let them carry on while we finished our adult discussion and paperwork.

We're not allowed to share a lot of details about the case for legal reasons, of course. Here are the basics, so you know where we were at that evening.

Baby was found to be not in very good health when she was born (around her due date, so not a preemie), due to issues happening during the pregnancy, so she was admitted immediately to the NICU and a CPS investigation was launched. It turns out the two girls have different fathers, it appears that the mother goes back and forth between the two of them and various other family members, and there wasn't really any stability or healthy situation anywhere. Curly Sue was immediately placed with a grandmother when the investigation started. We came into the picture because that turned out to not be a good choice, in addition to the fact that birth mom then moved into that home as well soon after (which counteracts the court orders to remove the children from her custody). At this point, the baby was five weeks old.

The next morning, The Man of the House took the three kiddos fishing down by the river. I got in touch with the NICU where the baby was admitted, making sure they had my information and that I had clearance to visit. I spent the day with Brown Eyed Baby Girl. She absolutely blew me away - such a gorgeous baby, with huge dark eyes and already smiling (or at least her face would make the motions and I called it smiling). She was calmer than I expected and I spent almost the entire day (minus grabbing lunch and running to the nearby Target for more supplies, now that I'd met her) just holding her and giving her attention. It was absolutely amazing to be able to do that. No agenda, no distractions, no rushing, just holding and rocking all day. She was eating terrifically, every three to four hours, depending on if it was day or night, and had grown very well during her time there. Everything physically and physiologically seemed to be right on target.

It took two more weeks - up to just before she turned 2 months old - before she was discharged from the hospital. The positive to this was that we got to focus at home on transitioning Curly Sue. Besides a nightmare in the middle of the first night, we didn't really have any issues, which was a blessing. She was incredibly polite and very verbal. She doesn't know a stranger. She had a quick mind, but you could tell she hadn't had anyone spend time with her working on letters, numbers, or shapes, little things a 4-year-old should know by then. It seemed that she was able to catch on quickly, though, and even now she learns more and more every day. A very very bright child with so much potential! She began school after a transition period, and we are following her progress and enjoying watching her learn and grow.

The one issue we had was hygiene. Her extremely long (I'm talkin past her butt) curly dark hair was matted almost to the point of being dreadlocks. She SCREAMED when she got her first bath here, yelling, "What are you doing to me? Why are you putting water on my head?" Almost as if she'd never had a real bath before. She was confused as to why we were brushing her teeth, which looked horrible and neglected. Thankfully, we haven't had any betwetting problems, or night terrors, or any issues like that.

It was a couple of weeks until the first visitation. It turns out Mom was the only parent who had done her homework to be able to see the kids. Little Guy and I dropped them off for an hour. The cheerful, skipping girl I dropped off was a sobbing wreck when I picked her up. I know it's incredibly difficult for the kids - at any age - to literally go back and forth between two families at these moments, and one can only guess what's being said in the visitations about the situation that may or may not be helpful or healthy for the kids to hear. Curly Sue came crying out of the visit saying that I was a bad, sneaky person, who had stolen her away from her real Mom, and I didn't love her and was going to do mean things to her. The caseworker and I calmed her down in the car, and ten minutes down the road, she was her normal self, like nothing had happened. Randomly, before we got back home, she said, "I'm sorry for saying all of those bad things to you. I know they weren't real." Wow, right? (Again, a topic for another post another day: how to help the kids emotionally after their visitations!)

It just makes my heart ache, to think about all of the hurt, all around. We've gone through our tough stuff, but we're not the only ones. Here's a young woman who's made some mistakes, who is probably scared out of her wits and angry - I would be. Here's a little girl who has been taken from the only family she knows, then gets reminded of that when she has to drive away from them again every week. So many emotions. Big prayers for peace all around.

Following that visitation, the others have been fine. Curly Sue gives me big hugs goodbye when I drop her off, and runs to her Mom. When I come to pick her up, she gives big hugs goodbye to her Mom and runs to me. It's amazing how resilient kids are, and how they can adjust to a new "normal".

As the case stands now, neither of the fathers has been allowed a visitation with the children. At this point, that's going to be upheld for the foreseeable future. Neither are cooperating with the State at this time to work services to get the girls back. Of course, that could all change, and any positive steps in the right direction would be evidence to reunify, or at least give extensions.

Mom is neither more nor less stable than before. She attends most every scheduled visitation, but sounds to be more hit or miss with the services she's supposed to be obtaining to make progress. What we're hearing is that she has a lot more work to do to prove she can provide a stable, safe home.

We have recently had a switch in caseworkers, which can be a good thing or not. This seems to be a good thing, even though we really liked the first caseworker. Both this new caseworker and the lawyer assigned to represent the girls are very communicative and available to answer questions we have. Neither are promising anything permanent, but the scales seem to be tipping in the favor of the kids staying with us for good.

We have heard that the trial to decide the forever placement of the girls won't be until November, but then we've also heard that it could be July or August. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through the ever present journey of court dates and decisions.

It is neat but more-so humbling to see God working in our hearts. Several years ago, we would be frantically praying every night for God to work in the court case so that we could adopt the child/ren we currently had. Then, we were able to move to a grudging, then more authentic, "Your Will Be Done". At this point, I think we can both say that we just pray for our hearts to be in the right places as we journey along. We won't think about the end at this point, but we want to be the best family we can for all of the kids - our forever kids, plus these two who will be with us for an indeterminate amount of time. We're more focused on keeping our attitudes right and positive and remembering that it's not about us wanting children, but it's about these kids needing a family. I want to show hope and perseverance through the uncertainties, and praise God on any and every given day.

Thanks for listening, and caring about our little corner of the world! Much love to you all!

WOW WOW! God's timing is CRAZY! (AKA: WE WERE ON A BREAK!)

A lot of you saw our VERY surprising news Tuesday on Facebook - so here's the full story of how it all went down.

We have a new addition. Yes. A new addition. 24 hours after the twins and their Big Sister left our home.

While we are not allowed to share names, significantly identifying details, or pictures at this point, we can officially share that we are now parents of Little Guy, Miss A, and foster-to-adopt parents of The Tank. (The Man of the House's Name. I just went with it.)

The Tank is a year-and-a-half old, birthday in December. He is a healthy, happy, sweet toddler - who almost weighs more than Little Guy! (Which if you know LG, you know it's probably not that hard to accomplish! Sorry, buddy! I'm not on the tall side either!)

I'll back up to Tuesday morning.

I was at the children's museum with little guy and one of his little buddies, spending the day, enjoying their joyful energy. I missed a phone call from our foster-adopt caseworker and noticed that she had left a message. At the same time, she also texted me. She said, "Angela I didn't know that the kids have left your home – when did that happen? Also please call me ASAP about a potential placement."

So, actually, I had heard about two potential placements that we were being looked at in the relatively near past - which is so strange because we still had five kids in our home. Two weeks ago, there was a baby boy who needed a home, but of course we weren't finished with the case and couldn't say yes. Last Thursday, I got a call from a different case worker about a 2 1/2-year-old girl with a baby brother but in this case there were some moderate to serious health issues that I had asked to get some more information about. My husband and I, when we discussed this, were not completely sure that this would be the right time for a case like this, having just been through so much ourselves. The worker did know that we had current placement, but she was willing to hold the kids in a foster home temporarily until we could have them. I had given her the go-ahead to send me some information about the siblings, but hadn't heard back at that point. (I will note that The Man of the House and I only spoke in private about these calls, not wanting to appear especially to Big Sister that we were already moving on and hunky-dory with their departure, even before it occurred.

Now, let me say that The Man of the House and I were not quite confident that we were wanting to continue going ahead with future foster care placements. This last case, especially the last month or so, has been extremely difficult, very stressful, and very draining. We definitely knew we needed a break of some sort, but we had not yet decided if this break would be permanent or temporary.

The last we discussed it, we had kind of come to the conclusion that maybe we would stay licensed and available for a month or so, but at that point if nothing had come our way, we would consider that the sign that we needed to move on and make our break from foster parenting more permanent. We also said that we would be pretty picky and only take a case that seemed "easy" - or at least easier than this last case.

And then here comes this phone call about a placement again.

I found a quiet minute in the museum as I watched the boys play, and called the caseworker back. She discussed with me for a few minutes the twins and their big sister leaving, gauging how were were handling it and recovering. Then, she said that a caseworker would like me to call her about a potential placement for a little boy. The basic info that she knew was that he was about 18 months old and was healthy and that parental rights had already been terminated, but that I needed to call the caseworker for more details.

Now, the fact that parental rights already been terminated really intrigued me, which meant that we wouldn't have to go through a whole foster case, so I agreed to get the number and call the caseworker.

This little guy was removed at birth from his birth mother, for reasons other than substance-abuse, which is why the majority of newborns are removed the hospital. Suffice it to say that it would not have been a good situation for him to go home with the mother at that point. Both the birth mother and birth father lost parental rights last fall. He had to be removed this month from the foster home, in which he had lived his entire life, along with nine other foster children, none of whom are his biological siblings. He had been in the respite care for three weeks, a holding place until in more permanent home to be found for him. The department wanted a foster adopt home, because with parental rights already terminated, they need a home to adopt him.

The caseworker said that the previous foster family is trying to appeal the decision, which made me think exactly of the twins case - and obviously not in a good way. Could we endure another drawn-out, nasty court drama? But, as she quickly pointed out, they are not family, so they do not have the automatic rights that relations would have. Plus, she said the evidence against them and the safety of their home is too great to merit even going through an appeal, in her opinion. She said is confidant that their case will be dismissed pretty quickly, in her opinion. I asked what she meant by quickly: Is that only a few months? Six months? She said, "Oh, no - one hearing, one afternoon, boom! It will be done." In Texas, you can legally adopt a child after they had been in your home for six months, so she told me, "Although I of course can't promise anything, it's sounding as though you will be able to adopt him six months from now."

At this juncture of the conversation, you'll all be happy to know that I did for once actually get off the phone and call The Man of the House. He was at school, monitoring lunch recess. Here is literally what our conversation went like.

...ring... ring... ring...

TMOTH: Hello?

Me: How quickly can you get one of those cribs put back together?

TMOTH: (split-second-pause) What time will they get there to drop the kid off?

He knew. Bam. He was on board. And it was simple as that.

It's so crazy to think that having gone through so much in the last months, that both of us just immediately felt right with saying yes and jumping right into another child's life. God is so good to heal wounds, or at least begin the healing of them, and allow us to find the path that will most be of benefit to Him and to us as we continue to grow.

After the typical pre-placement whirlwind trip to Target with the two boys - promising Icees in lieu of the fun afternoon they wanted to spend at our house after the museum time - I got home. I threw our bin of 2T clothes into the washer along with our boy crib bedding. I grabbed the pieces of the crib from the garage and the mattress, but - aw man - couldn't find the screws to put it back together myself. I was attempting to be hardcore and efficient and have the whole room set up by the time either the boy or my husband got home, but I had to wait and let him put it together. Don't let it be said that I'm not handy, though. I know my way around building anything from Ikea.

His super sweet caseworker brought the little boy over about 6:30 that night. As I said, the new name with which he has been christened for the blog is The Tank. He is an adorable, chubby little ball of curly, dark hair. And, as I said before, pretty big for his age. His personality is sweet, calm and cheerful. He fussed for only about 10 minutes while the caseworker was here. Once we hit bath time after she left, he was completely comfortable and had a great time splashing around with Little Guy in the bubbles. Bedtime was phenomenal; he laid right down and fell immediately asleep. No fussing, no crying. He must've been pretty tuckered out with all the changes.

It all happened so quickly - one minute you're just trying to catch a breath to recover from what's been happening; the next minute, life has totally changed once again. We both felt such a peace in agreeing to this placement, like it was the most natural thing, and completely what we were supposed to be doing, in the plans all along.

Apparently, there was a court hearing to update on the current placement of the Tank that morning, and the judge told the caseworker to find him a foster-adopt home THAT DAY - not even another night in respite care. And someone there in the courtroom - the caseworker didn't know who it was - said, "Call the Ericksons - they just came available again and they'd be perfect." And so the caseworker found OUR caseworker and asked her to pass along the message for us to contact her.

Just so weird to think about how we said we'd only take another placement - a) if it happened pretty quickly and b) if it was pretty "easy". Bada-bing. Someone up there heard us.

So amazing to think about how God was protecting and watching over this little fellow. We had no idea he existed until Tuesday, but He's been in God's care the entire time. There is a plan for him, and whether or not we're a permanent part of it, we know in Whose Hands the story is written.

We all really appreciate your rejoicing with us - and for not saying you think we're crazy (at least out loud!) for taking this on so soon after our last case. God loves to surprise us. Blessed are the flexible, amiright?

Please keep the case in your prayers. We hope and pray for God's will to be done, and the human side of us says, "That means he stays with us!" But, we know to just live in the moment, love each other as best as we can, and leave the ending up to Someone else. We pray for Miss A and Little Guy to continue to be as enamored with the Tank as they have been the past few days - we've all just fallen in love with him. So proud of them for their resiliency as well.

Please also keep the twins and their Big Sister in your prayers as they transition, begin school, and create new connections. We don't know if we'll hear from them someday, but, if we do, we hope it's good news.

Thanks, all!