When Baby Girl left us in March of 2013, we were more than bummed out. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy, and I all had fallen in love with her so quickly and so deeply. To recap, on Day 1 of her placement with us, we had been told that birth father had already signed relinquishment papers because he didn't want to be involved, and birth mother was considering it as well. She was estranged from her family, and did not really want the baby placed with her parents or extended family members. Now, nothing is ever promised EVER, but it was definitely hinted that this could be a super-easy case that might not even have to go to trial, if she relinquished her rights as she was considering, and we could move forward with the adoption. That's what we were told. Two months into the case, her parents came to court and announced that they were seeking custody. Apparently, they hadn't even known she was pregnant or had had a baby until that time. Their background checks cleared without any major problems, and, because they were family, the baby was moved soon after. She was with us around 2 1/2 months.
We never had had a definite plan for how many kids we wanted in our family. My husband and I both came from sibling groups of four, and loved being a part of big families. We kind of figured we would wind up with a big family - 3 or 4 kids. The love we had for our two children was so full and complete - but, even after the disappointment of having Baby Girl be moved, we still felt like another child would be a fantastic addition to our family. So, we stayed in the game and kept our foster-adopt license active in hopes of receiving another placement and eventual adoption.
Then came the waiting process again. In the middle of this, our caseworker, Kelly, whom we loved, changed positions at the department and we were assigned to a new caseworker. Every foster or adoptive family has a caseworker, to ensure that standards are met, trainings are completed, etc. This is different from the caseworker assigned to the children, who represents the kids at court along with the guardian ad litem (lawyer). When you have an active case, you can expect monthly visits from all three - your caseworker, the children's caseworker, and the children's lawyer - scheduled or unannounced.
We waited 8 months with our names on The List with only one Call. We didn't get that child, a 4-month-old baby boy. It was obviously frustrating to sit around with no control over the situation, waiting on someone else to act for you and "find" you a placement. I am not patient at all by nature, so I know God was definitely challenging me in this area.
Finally, in November, we received an e-mail asking if we were interested in taking in 2-year-old twin girls. As I had with the last Call, I immediately said "YES!" and THEN told the Man of the House. (Heehee... Sorry, honey! In all seriousness, things happen quickly with foster-adopt placements, and if you hesitate, another family may already have stepped up.)
The information we had was that the girls were on-target for developmental milestones, healthy girls at this point. They were from a family of five siblings - a 12-year-old girl, a 3-year-old girl (only ten months older than the twins!), then the twins, and then a 1-year-old boy (only 12 months younger than the twins!). The other three had other placements already, as it was difficult to find a home for all five together. In fact, the twins were coming to us from a shelter, where they had been living for two months since they had been removed into the state's care.
The parental rights had been terminated shortly after the birth of the baby boy, and the children had been living with cousins of their mother, these cousins also having five other children they were fostering/adopting - a total of ten kids in the house. This sibling group had been removed for some alleged incidents that had happened in the home.
This case was incredibly complicated, and not a "normal" CPS case. Since the cousins weren't biological parents, and hadn't adopted the siblings yet, they didn't have "rights" to try to do services and have the children placed back in their home by a certain date. Instead, they were suing the state themselves, to try to get custody back of the kids. They had a very outspoken lawyer who was extremely vocal in saying that the removal shouldn't have taken place, and that the allegations were by and large made up by the Big Sister. Big Sister had been the one to alert school authorities to some not-so-good things happening in the home. Their opinion was that she thought she could be returned to her biological family if she disrupted this placement.
Some background on Big Sister: the very sad part was that her mother also had biological children OLDER than this Big Sister, so a total of eight children altogether already. Her baby daddy of the OTHER, older three was not the biological father of Big Sister, but WAS the person who had served as her father figure all her life. When the bio mom had lost custody, so did Big Sister's bio dad (in absentia), but this OTHER bio dad was what is called a "non-offending" parent, so he got custody of her children. However, he decided to only parent the three that were biologically his, and, since Big Sister was not, he declined to take custody of her. In her mind, she still thought there was hope that someday he would change his mind and come get her. (The siblings younger than her were also from different fathers, but she said she had never liked any of those men when they were in her mother's life, and they never served in that father role for her. We were never quite sure how many fathers were involved between the five children.)
The case continued on for ten months. We had hearings, rescheduled hearings, delays, lots of testimony. It came down to the judge continually wanting more information about the alleged incidents and everyone minutely dissecting the testimony of Big Sister and the other children in the home who may or may not have also experienced the incidents.
Meanwhile, Big Sister moved to two new foster placements, and then was put into a children's "home", an onsite location to receive therapy as well as schooling and intervention for her behavior. We were asked to take her in, as the behaviors stemmed from how frustrated she was to be apart from her siblings, and the assumption that things would simmer down once she was reunited with them. We had some weekend visits, and they went so well that we decided to accept.
I can't say that having her placed with us was easy, or that it went "well". I do not necessarily regret it, but it was a difficult three months. Big Sister hadn't been kept up with her counseling and treatments, and that would have made a difference. One main thing we learned: you have to be an advocate for yourself and your foster kids. Stay on top of their medical history and treatments and make sure the caseworkers are helping you get the best level of care for the kids, physically and emotionally and mentally.
Throughout this whole case, the kids had one-hour, weekly visitations with the cousins who had had custody at the department offices. Towards the spring, it became 4-6 hours at a time, at the request of the cousins. Of course this made a big imposition on our family, time-wise and resource-wise, and we were unhappy but tried to make the best of it. We usually took our other two to the zoo while we waited for the visits to be over. (Big Sister did NOT attend these visits because the relationship was so rocky between her and the cousins, because of how that placement ended.)
After Big Sister had been with us for two months, a set of the twins' grandparents made a petition to get custody of all five children. We were stunned that they could do this so late - the parents' rights had been terminated years before, they had been in foster care for years, placements were settling, etc. Their reasoning for the timing was that they HAD been trying to get custody, but didn't know the proper steps to go about it, and blamed the department for not helping them more.
Within a few weeks, a homestudy had been done on these grandparents, and the judge was in favor of moving forward to see if this would be a good placement. The grandparents were asking for all five children to be placed with them. This pushed the judge in their direction, as we were unable to take in all five, with two kids already in the home before this case. (Although we were asked, and were promised extra resources to help make this happen. We had to decline.)
Meanwhile, the cousins reconsidered their custody suit and declared that they would also want to get all five back, when previously they had said they did not want to be reunified with the Big Sister.
So now the judge decided to test the waters in BOTH homes, and ordered weekend-long visits with BOTH, on alternating visits. For the last month or two of the case, the kids were taken to one or the other of the homes on Friday night and stayed until Sunday night. This of course wreaked havoc on any progress we had made with structure and routine, and just the basic comfort level of the twins and Big Sister. Our Sunday nights were a disaster now, and it took several days for the twins' behavior to come back to somewhat normal.
The judge finally decided in August to place all five kids with the grandparents as a foster home, but continue twice-monthly all-weekend visits with the cousins until permanent custody could be determined. They left us the day before school started in 2014.
In February, six months after they left us, I ran into the kids' lawyer. She told me the case was STILL ongoing, and no permanent home had been decided for the kids. We continue to pray for them and hope for the best. They were strong enough to rise above their circumstances, and we hope that out of these ashes, fresh, vibrant, productive lives will arise. God bless you, kiddos.
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