We had our previously planned visit with the paternal grandmother on Thursday (Grandmother-of-Brown-Eyed-Baby-Girl-potentially-also-of-Curly-Sue-but-we-don't-know-for-certain-because-paternity-test-hasn't-been-processed-yet). We met at a Chik-Fil-A near the CPS offices, which was much more fun than meeting in the visitation rooms at the department.
I was not "worried" about the visit, per se, but I definitely had a physical, anxious reaction to pulling up and walking into the building. I wasn't sure what to expect. This grandma was the last person on the list made by the families to get custody of the girls. (After 10 months of us having the girls, and being told at the beginning of the case that there were no other family members around/available, the court has gone through several names in the past month that were brought up by the three parents' lawyers at the July 9th hearing.) However, she had made comments to the caseworker that she would drop her custody seeking if she could meet me and see the girls to gauge how they were doing.
When she walked in, she came up with a big smile. I handed the baby over so grandma could hold her. Now, the big sister glanced at her, but didn't seem to recognize her - she walked right by and went to slide. I had her come back and say hello, but she still didn't seem to have any connection. That was interesting to see. We all just then settled down in the kid play to chat while Curly Sue played and the baby crawled around.
When our visit was only a couple of minutes in session, grandma said, "I need you to know that I'm not here to get in your way. I've already decided to stop seeking custody and I'm calling the lawyer today to tell her." That obviously made me feel a lot of relief!
Over the course of our hour together, she told me that the older sister had never looked better, and she looked "so clean, and healthy, and happy". She was interested in hearing about school, and if Curly Sue was making friends, and how she behaved and had adjusted over the year. Apparently, from even Curly Sue's birth, she was told that she was the grandmother (even though she is the boyfriend's mother and not the husband's mother). I guess the birthmother was telling both men they were biologically the fathers the entire time.
"I wanted to come here today," she said to me, "to just ask that this not be the very last time I ever see or hear about my grandchildren. If you can tell me that I'll see them again in the future, or get pictures, that's enough for me. I don't need to be involved in your life and get in your way, but just to get updates would be good enough."
To answer that, I just replied that we could definitely work out details. We've learned from Little Guy's adoption, and from discussion with caseworkers and other adoptive parents, not to make promises and to not tie yourself down. This isn't to be deceitful or mean, but if you put in writing anything about visitations or times or expectations, then it can get very difficult if situations change, or if you stop feeling comfortable with having contact.
Right now, Little Guy's birthmother has my cell phone number (not my husband's, and not our home address, although she knows the town we live in), and we text periodically. But, there was a time when she was calling and texting several times a week, asking to talk to him or asking for pictures, and we had to maintain boundaries. We had to be assertive, and told her to trust us that we would be in contact and keep her updated, but that we preferred to be the ones initiating the contact.
With this situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable mailing pictures. I am very concerned about any of the three parents finding out our contact information and tracking us down. We have absolutely no contact with Miss A's parents for this reason. But we were fine with keeping in touch with Little Guy's birthmother. We even played at the park for an hour or so last year when she visited family in our area. We just take each situation as it comes. I had discussed with the caseworker a plan of sending her (the caseworker) pictures and updates, and she would forward them on to the grandmother, or other family members. I may create a special email address just for communicating with her and stay in touch that way.
Legally, the three birth parents are having their parental rights terminated - we aren't required to have any kind of contact with anybody from the birth family. We don't have to agree to anything at this point, or when(/if) the adoption is being finalized. But we've always read, and seen in our own experiences, that keeping an honest, age-appropriate openness benefits the children the most.
She was probably thinking along those same lines during our conversation. She told me, "Don't worry about me selling you out to my son, or to their mother. I don't want them to know where the girls are any more than you do. It would be too dangerous for the girls." That surprised me that she said that, and it must have taken a lot to admit that.
When it was time to leave, she gave me a big hug and said, "You have beautiful daughters, and you are a great mother. I couldn't ask for more for my grandchildren. Thank you for being in their lives." Very sweet words, and it made me emotional again! We left with a tentative plan to share birthday party details for Curly Sue at a park in town.
When we first began fostering, my worries revolved around the kids leaving us. That seemed to me the "worst" case scenario, an absolutely devastating situation, a life-ruining catastrophic ending. And guess what - then it happened to us. With seven children - so far. And we survived. I am not saying it wasn't awful, and there weren't crying, sobbing nights, and huge obstacles emotionally to overcome it. But we did overcome it.
My focus has stretched since the beginning, seven years ago when we began this journey with the foster care system. I do think about how upsetting it would be if these girls were placed with anyone but us at this point. I have cried over that already, since we know what that feels like.
But there is such a bigger picture in all of this, and so many other moving parts to think about. Besides just getting "what we want", in keeping the girls with us, we want to make sure we're all handling it well emotionally. We want to keep all of our children mentally healthy. We want them to have the best sense of self possible. We want them to grow up knowing they are so loved - by SO many people. We want to keep praying for the birth families, no matter what happens in the end. The hard part isn't "over" once/if we have full and permanent custody of the girls. There is a lifetime of navigating the waters of adoption, contact or lack thereof with the birth families. Everyone will be affected in different ways and this is a life-long journey for all of us.
Most importantly, we want to keep faith. We trust in an omnipotent God who knows the future, and has known it before any of us were created. He holds the end of our stories. We want to keep growing into the people He has created us to be, and the family He has planned for us. We don't want to waver when the road gets tough.
Job 38 says:
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
Tell me, if you understand.
"Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
I'm not the one in charge. I don't like that. None of us like not being in control. Some of us have a harder time than others. I have a harder time letting go of control at some moments in life compared to others. But guess what? No matter how much I hate it, I'm not in control - I never have been. And that has been a freeing thought.
I can focus on today, on the here and now, because my heavenly Father already knows what the future holds. Bad stuff is still going to happen to me. We as a family can go through it all with Him, or without Him.
... and back to the case!
So, from here, we're just waiting on the DNA results STILL for Curly Sue. Again, it's just a formality in terms of parental rights being terminated, since all three will be losing their parental rights at the trial - that's already determined. It's just the permanent custody that could be affected by the paternity test results.
However, this grandmother was the last of the long list of new family members to be looked at for custody. Everyone else has been eliminated. No other names have been brought forth. This should clear the way for the adoption process to begin as soon as the trial concludes.
Prayers for the paternity test to come back QUICKLY so we can get our court dates, make our move, and be back together as a complete family! Thanks, all! Love to everyone!
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