Baby Girl's Story

This story will be the hardest to write. It was painful, and it is the most recent.

I'll back up to last fall. Our caseworker began asking us if we would be open to new placements, as we were licensed for three children in our home at the time. We told her we wanted to wait until Little Guy's adoption went through, so we could focus on getting everything done that needed to happen, and just celebrate that time with him. Right before Christmas, we had a regular monthly visit from the caseworker. She asked again if we would be open to a placement and we happily told her, "Sure!"

In the morning on January 10th, I received a CALL from our caseworker. She asked me if we would be interested in taking in a four-day-old baby girl who was currently in the NICU due to some medical issues related to the pregnancy and birth, but was going to be released that day. I ecstatically agreed and ran to find The Man of the House.

We were all so thrilled - over-the-moon kind of happy. I remember that my face hurt from smiling so much those first couple of days. The Man of the House, Miss A, Little Guy and I had all been praying for our new "baby brother" or "baby sister" for months, asking God to keep him or her safe and protect her, to help us prepare our home and hearts for a new addition, and to guide the outcome of the placement. The kids were so great about the situation; they think it's completely normal for a caseworker to drop off a random kid at your house to become part of your family! We are very open about the fact that they are adopted, and we tell the age-appropriate versions of their own stories to them every so often. We want them always to know how wanted they are and how loved - by so many people.

On the day we took in Baby Girl, here was her situation: Birthparents were not together. They were both a few years older than us. They had created an adoption plan during the last part of the pregnancy, but when birthfather came to the hospital to sign it after the delivery, birthmother told him she had changed her mind and wanted to raise the baby. He told her he wanted nothing to do with the whole ordeal. CPS became involved when certain things came to light about the situation. That's where we came in. Birthmother was somewhat estranged from her family and said she did not have anyone to take the baby in for the time being. We were chosen to take Baby Girl. Birthmother had an unfortunate history and a long journey ahead of her to regain her rights. The closest family were her parents three or four hours away, but the investigations caseworker confided to us that was too far away to consider for a placement. I will stress now that nothing was promised to us, but we were told it looked promising for our eventual adoption of Baby Girl. Birthmother could probably even change her mind about the adoption and maybe voluntarily terminate her parental rights, it was discussed with us. It sounded like a fairly simple case and we felt extremely blessed.

Baby Girl completed the puzzle of our family at that time in a way that is hard to describe. From the second we laid eyes on her, Baby Girl felt like a piece of our family that was always meant to be part of us. The Man of the House and I could hardly articulate to each other how attached we immediately felt to her. It all just "clicked" and we were praying right from the very first that she would stay with us for good. Of course we threw in the "if it be Your Will, Lord," phrase while we prayed, but of course this would be God's Will if it was working out so smoothly and felt so right, right?

Getting up in the middle of the night and then teaching a full day at school wasn't very difficult because of how enamored with her we all were. The Man of the House usually stayed up until about 11 p.m. to feed her, then I woke up around 2 or 3 a.m. to feed her again, and she ate again somewhere between 5 or 6 a.m., either before or after my shower, depending on the time. We had an efficient system of teamwork and I treasure my husband so much for his willingness to tackle these sleepless nights without complaining. It was a joyful, delirious, content time in our lives.

During the day, we arranged for Baby Girl to stay with a new friend from church who had a two-year-old almost exactly Little Guy's age. What a blessing to have people around us who are willing to jump on the crazy train right along side us and be ready to pitch in when our world abruptly changes course!

Miss A and Little Guy took turns holding Baby Girl every chance they could get. Miss A especially enjoyed helping with feeding time, but she did tell us, "I'm not doing any diapers." They talked about the baby to anyone who would listen.

A couple of weeks went by and our first court appearance happened. I took the morning off of teaching to head to the courthouse. I had not met Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer in person, so I was looking forward to sitting down and discussing her care and growth so far. I waited in the hallway, sitting in a padded chair, rocking and feeding Baby Girl. Two older people came up to me while I was waiting and began asking questions about the baby, and then told me that they were Birthmother's parents. They had just recently learned about the birth of Baby Girl, and they were there to get custody of her as her grandparents.

I felt floored, blindsided, scared, for my own sake. But I held it all in and made small talk. They asked to hold her, of course I handed her right over, and they held her the rest of the morning, without speaking much to me after that. When the lawyer came over, introduced herself briefly and then told me I wasn't needed in their conversation and I might be more comfortable sitting down inside the court room while they spent time with the baby out there in the waiting area. Feeling brushed off, pushed aside, I numbly complied and sat by myself listening to other cases for about an hour before I went back out to see if they needed anything.

I finally found Baby Girl's caseworker and we got to talk. I told her about the interaction and the statement the grandparents had made, not speaking in a defensive manner, just attempting to gauge her reaction. She looked at me and asked, "Does that make you upset?" She didn't speak unkindly, just very plainly and slowly, and continued, "You know that we keep children with families as much as possible. Of course they are here to get custody." I explained that I hadn't known until this moment that the grandparents were in the picture for custody, as I was told that they lived too far away to be considered for placement of Baby Girl and had been expecting to have her for the time being, if not longer. It was a new development for me and The Man of the House at the moment and we just needed to please be kept abreast of any new developments or decisions that came up.The caseworker told me not to worry, she might not leave today, but... we would have to see what the judge decided. At this point I was tearing up, she hugged me and apologized for me finding out this way, and I excused myself to the bathroom... and sobbed. I felt that communication had happened without us and felt powerless to have any say in Baby Girl's future. Obviously everyone else was on one page and we hadn't been informed. That was almost as painful as the thought of being separated from Baby Girl.

The grandparents were not rude to me in any way, I think they simply had no idea we had been told of the probability (at the time) of our keeping Baby Girl as a foster placement and longer. They considered us a foster home, which we rightfully were, but they assumed we were only a "placeholder" until they could come along and take care of the child. If I were in their shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way.

In the middle of this complex interaction, the investigations caseworker (who originally removed Baby Girl from Birthmother's custody) later checked in with me in the courtroom, saw I didn't have the baby, asked why, retrieved her from the grandparents, apologized for them being allowed to "take over", and said, "I know they're here to get custody, but I think she needs to stay with you." It was whiplash, back and forth, back and forth, with my emotions.

During the hearing, the judge received all of the information and updates, and then announced that she wasn't ready to move Baby Girl. The grandparents needed to be investigated and show that they could provide a decent home for her. This was the same judge who had overseen Spunky Girl/Preemie Boy's case, as well as Little Guy's case (Miss A was in a different county), so she knew our family, and said, "This is a good foster family and I know she's getting excellent care. I want to keep her there at this time." Obviously, her encouraging words made me feel better. As far as moving Baby Girl, with the long list of items to happen before you are "approved" by the agency, we all figured it would be a while, a span of time probably heading into months.

The days were horribly bittersweet as they went by. Every night left us more attached to Baby Girl, more confident that God had a miraculous plan that would enable her to stay with us forever, yet more fearful of the thought of her departure. Every call from the caseworker brought a rollercoaster of emotion as we heard all kinds of varying reports on Baby Girl's placement status. No answer could be determined... and no news is definitely not good news when the revelation of said news feels so immensely important. We heard how Birthmother wasn't doing well and chances were slipping away quickly that she could regain custody, in the caseworker's opinion. We heard about progress on the investigation of the grandparents and we heard about how Birthmother expressed that it was her desire for Baby Girl to stay with us and not be placed into her parents' custody. All we could be told was that everything would be reported to the judge and she would make the decision.

We were never able to have a single actual meeting with either Baby Girl's caseworker or lawyer - they cancelled or no-showed on us several times, and even though they apologized, it still hurt and felt unfair - and we felt time slipping away from us, Baby Girl slipping away from us, without the possibility of The Man of the House and I, the foster parents, even being able to share our own feelings, opinions, and experiences.

Another court date was scheduled when Baby Girl had been with us about two months. The night before, I had a horrible foreboding feeling, worrying about leaving any stone unturned or anything unsaid. I called Baby Girl's caseworker, apologizing for bugging her after hours. Our last conversation had ended with her telling me "It was probably best for Baby Girl to get back with family as soon as possible and not just be stuck in some foster home." I wanted the caseworker to know that that wasn't the case for Baby Girl. I told her how much The Man of the House and I were attached to Baby Girl, how much we loved and cared for her, and how much we desired to adopt her if the time came. I said that I had never fully expressed it to her and I didn't want to appear pushy, but I needed to see if this made any difference to her opinion and if it would affect what she would tell the judge in the morning. The caseworker responded, "I had no idea you wanted to adopt her." I replied, "Well, we are a foster-adopt home and have adopted two others." She said, "Really?" and paused, then said, "That changes things."

I could barely sleep that night, reeling from the conversation with the caseworker. Should we have been up front from the beginning that our ultimate intent was to adopt Baby Girl, if her Birthmother lost custody, of course? Or was that too forward? You are somewhat discouraged from seriously discussing adoption when children are still in the foster portion of their care. Nothing's settled until it's settled, and you can't cross a bridge before you come to it.

The next day at court, I was told as soon as I arrived by Baby Girl's caseworker that the team would be asking the judge to move placement of Baby Girl to the grandparents' home effective immediately. Again, all I could feel was numb. It didn't help that we were one of the last cases heard that day and I had to hold everything in for such a long period of time. At one point, I did ask permission to run home and pack her bags quickly, to help make things easier for the grandparents. I cried the entire ride home, while at home, and the entire ride back.

The judge announced that she would agree to the placement move, but wanted to work out a smooth transition time. Instead of an immediate change, she asked if Friday, three days away, would be enough time for all of us. We all agreed and the hearing was over. The caseworker asked if she should pick Baby Girl up at school Friday morning. I asked if she could pick her up at the caregiver's home instead; I didn't want my students watching the good-bye.

It is not being dramatic to say that Friday was one of the worst days I have experienced. I dropped Baby Girl and her bag of clothes and diapers at the caregiver's home and could not linger so as to make it to school on time. I don't recall if I actually talked or just awkwardly left her with the caregiver after I kissed her good-bye and walked away.

I taught that day, which was probably a mistake. I excused myself to the hallway or bathroom countless times to cry, and spent lunch and recess time bawling with The Man of the House, who confessed that he had been choking back tears behind his ubiquitous coffee mug all morning (only the second time I've ever seen him cry, after the day of his grandfather's funeral). I had been very open with the students that today would be a rough day for me. They knew Baby Girl was a foster baby, had been bouncing off the walls with me the day we received THE CALL about her, and stunned into silence on the day I told them she was leaving us. As cold and numb as I was, I felt the warmth of their concern and care as my sixth graders prayed for me that morning. (One blessing of teaching at a Christian school! Love those kids!)

We survived the day and got home. I cried through most of dinner. At one point during the meal, Miss A stopped eating and sat in my lap. She looked at me, put her head on my shoulder, and tears began forming in her eyes. I asked her what was making her sad, and she said, "I think it's probably the same thing that's making you sad, Mommy." I held her and we sobbed together for a minute, and I said, "Yes, I miss Baby Girl very much. We love her, don't we?" She peered up through her tears and said, "Yes, we love her, Mommy, but there are more boys and girls that need our help now. We need to be ready to say 'Yes, we can help them!' when they ask us." Of course, that made me cry harder, tears of gratefulness that she understood what this was all about, maybe even better than we did.

I think about that moment whenever people comment or ask about the effect that fostering has on the other, permanent children in the home. I think teaching kids from an early age that sacrificing your own comfort or desires for the ultimate good of another is never a bad thing. It's painful for anyone when there is loss of any kind. It was painful for us, because we wanted things to work out our way for our own little world. Kids are so resilient, though. To Miss A and Little Guy, the uncertainty of having Baby Girl was a fact of life, and one they didn't question. It was natural - and of course, there was NO question about us doing it again. Miss A fully expected each of us to brush ourselves off, jump right back on our horses, and get ready for the next ride.

My hope in sharing this experience is not to appear overly dramatic or emotional, nor is it to ask for pity. We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this journey even before Miss A coming to our home was a reality. About half of the kids in foster care return to their biological families. No matter how things sound at the beginning of a case, things can always change. Putting up with the uncertainty is in the job description. We handled this well on some days and not as well on some days. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it, KNOWING WHAT COULD HAPPEN DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN!

But we'll do it again.

Love and kindness are never wasted.

I can't explain clearly how holding that precious warm bundle of sweetness with her mop of red hair gave us such incredible joy, no matter how short the time was. Life is uncertain in any circumstance. It could have been my biological child that I raised in my own womb and then "lost" two months later. If you have actually experienced the death of a child, my heart cries out in agony for you, because I know my hurt is only a shadow compared with yours. We are blessed to know that Baby Girl is still here on this earth with grandparents who love her. The pain slowly fades, but the memories will never be forgotten. Christ who hung on the cross with all my sin, experiencing the mess of this world with all its pain, was triumphant over it all, and He promises that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

Love you, Baby Girl. May you grow strong and courageous and honorable and compassionate, and always feel His love and ours, even if we never meet again.