Changes... Maybe... Maybe not

So, here's the update from the caseworkers' visit this morning, as I promised in last night's post.

The judge, caseworkers, and lawyers, have decided that it is in the best interest to have all four of the young siblings together, and as soon as possible. It was discussed that we were to be given the first choice to take in the other two, since we already have the twins, and that foster home was asking for a change in placement.

Understanding that we already have two other children, Miss A and Little Guy, adding two more would be six children under six, they thought we would probably be feeling that this was a bit of a stretch for us to take on. So, in the case that we said no, they would be putting out notice that the kids are all available for a placement all together. They would be looking for another foster-adopt home, to potentially adopt all four kids together.

The Man of the House and I have already been discussing this since we were first approached last month. We did take it very seriously, searching online for 5 or 6 bedroom houses, and 12-passenger vans. When it comes down to it, we feel we have to make the difficult decision to decline. We literally just don't have enough space in a vehicle for all of us, and the house would be packed to the gills. Day to day life would mean me watching five kids every day all day, with the oldest being Little Guy at 3-years-old.

We want to say yes so badly. It hurts and feels wrong to turn away when someone needs help. My husband has really been a champion for me and helping me think about my own mental and emotional health, acknowledging how much of a challenge this would be for mostly me since I'm the one at home every day, and that I have to consider not putting myself into something that would be beyond what I can actually handle.

Yes, we would be doing a good, selfless thing for all of the right reasons, but would it be the healthiest for all involved? Would we still be able to give each kid their individual attention and the love they deserve if we're spread too thin? It's not the six kids I'm really anxious about themselves;
the twins are pretty well-behaved, Little Guy is getting along really well with them, and we're having fun together every day doing our thing. We've even said that, hey, if God planned us to have five or six kids (eventually), we would have no problem with it. The fact of it all happening so quickly without years of gradual additions. And with the kids being so young, that in and of itself would be overwhelming.

And still it's incredibly painful (and humbling) to admit all of this. I don't want to think of myself as less than perfect, as incapable of anything. I'm a firstborn. We tackle things without sweating and give it our best effort. We're supposed to be the ones who can handle anything.

Knowing that saying no to two more kids at this time is tantamount to giving up the twins is also difficult.

Now, it is still more complex than this. It is incredibly difficult to place sibling groups together, especially four at a time. The agency is going to try, but there's no guarantee that would happen, or happen any time soon. However, the other foster family wants the two siblings out of their home by the end of next week at the latest, so they all have to move quickly. We had to make this decision pretty much today, and it still could end up with the twins not finding another placement and staying with us.

So, we're preparing ourselves to continue to be flexible. We could hear any day that the twins have another placement. Or we could make it to the trial and then we'll find out if the cousins will be granted custody again or if we will begin working towards adoption.

I hadn't mentioned the Big Sister in all of this. She has been moved yet again, to a third new placement. She is still struggling with everything that's happening, and no wonder, and is in a shelter for more serious treatment and care. She is still in our prayers and we hope to get the new contact information soon so we can spend some time with her.

So, maybe some big changes to our home, or maybe not. All we are sure of is that God never leaves us, no matter what circumstances we go through. We appreciate, once again, the kind words and support from all of our friends and family as we walk this path together. It's awesome to know we're never alone!