The Latest - Visitation, Nephews, and the "Uh-Oh Song"

So several things have happened over the last few days.

1) We had the first long (6-hour) unsupervised Saturday visit for the twins. Everything seems to have gone just fine, as far as we know. The logistics were a bit tricky for us as a family - we had to bring sandwiches for lunch, drive around while getting the older two to nap, make a zoo trip last longer than we usually do, and snag a pizza for the kids to eat for supper since it was almost 7 by the time we got home. The twins were very excited to be able to see their two youngest siblings, though, and couldn't stop talking about them. We're thankful they got that opportunity.

2) While we were driving around during this time, my phone rang, and it was the twins' Big Sister. We only talked for a few minutes, which was all the time she had available. She said, at the group home she's currently in, they get rewards for good behavior, and one of those rewards is making a phone call home on Saturday. My heart broke when she said called us because we were the only people she could think of to call, as she doesn't have a "home" now. She didn't know about the visit happening that day, so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. We just chatted about the art center she's been making good use of, and her classes, and the girls she's met there. I hope we can meet up with her soon, as it's been almost two months since the twins saw her.

3) I got a phone call from the twins' caseworker today. She said she was just clarifying that we did not need to drive the girls to the scheduled (supervised) visitation tomorrow. I hadn't realized this. She explained that since they were granted the long visits on Saturdays, the court and the department did away with the other visits, which were every other week, mostly on Tuesdays. After she hung up, I realized I don't know how I feel about the only visitations happening now being unsupervised. Between now and the trial in June, it seems strange to have no contact that someone is supervising, whether it be a caseworker. therapist, lawyer, or whomever.

4) My little nephew was born on Friday, and. I. Love. Him. So. Much. Already. He came right on his due date, the talented, punctual youngster. I can't keep myself from looking at the adorable pictures they have sent thus far. I'm so happy for my sister-in-law and her husband, and I can't wait to meet The Newest Addition at Easter! (And it makes me miss my other two nephews, my sister's boys in Nebraska, a TON. Hugs to you guys!)

5) I have been feeling... off... the past couple of weeks. Just tired, more stressed and tightly-wound than usual. I decided that I was not being as patient and loving as I should be (read: being the snappy Mom nobody likes to be). I decided to brush up on my "Love and Logic" skills as a stress-reducer all around. "Love and Logic' is a parenting/teaching/child-raising program developed to equally encompass two strategies in disciplining your child: empathy and consequences. I could take a while to explain it more fully, and why I think it helps me, but suffice it to say that you strive to remain as calm as possible, showing sorrow for misconduct, while sticking to your guns with the consequences. We've used it as a school, and I really agree with the premise as a parent in dealing with my own kids. I'm not perfect at it, but I feel most effective when using these techniques or at least some similar. I was going over the Early Childhood materials - books, mp3 recordings - because toddlers definitely give you something to hyperventilate about, and I wanted some good refreshers. So, one tip for toddler parents that I just had to share: I got a kick out of remembering "The Uh-Oh Song". In my own words, this is how one uses the "Uh-Oh Song": when a misbehavior happens, one says, "Uh-Oh!" in a cheerful, sing-song voice, before stating the consequence. "Uh-Oh! I think you need some bedroom time." "Uh-Oh! I think you need some time in the quiet spot." "Uh-Oh! I think this toy needs to go on top of the fridge if we're going to fight over it." The idea is that it's difficult as a parent to stay stressed when you're singing "Uh-Oh" and it helps build the empathy and make the behavior the villain instead of the scolding parent. For the child, the phrase "Uh-Oh!" begins to be a trigger that gently leads them to think about their actions - maybe even preemptively. I began really using the "Uh-Oh Song" last week - literally, if there was a crown, I was the "Uh-Oh" champ! A funny thing happened today. Several times, I began to say "Uh-Oh!" when I saw one of the littles doing something they knew they shouldn't - and all of them would freeze. It was pretty hilarious, and yet amazing to watch how quickly it worked on them. It was a great day with calm all around. I was happy to have a little success so visibly, with something so easy. (Check out the "Love and Logic" website if you want to read about the theories in their words, which are probably clearer than mine rambling around in a brief blog post:  http://www.loveandlogic.com/)

Well, signing off for now. God's blessings to you and yours!

To My Sister-in-Law; On the Birth of Your Baby

Dear Kimby,

You're becoming a mom! Ahhh! It's about to get real! Nine months go really quickly, don't they?!

I'm very thankful for the way you have welcomed me into the family and made me feel like a sister, and not just an "extra". We love you and the hubby so much. And we can't wait to love on the new addition. I am incredibly excited to be an aunt again. We are so proud of how y'all are tackling this newest phase of life.

There are many things I wish I could go back and tell myself before I became a parent. Whether by physical birth or by adoption, your life forever changes on that day. I'm not saying I have it all down - incredibly far from it. This is a small list from the vast, amazing, (*cough, *cough) wisdom I wish I could share with myself, what what I want to say to you:

• You will never feel completely "ready". If you're not a tiny bit anxious, you're probably not human!

• There is no manual to tell you exactly what to expect or what to do - now or in the future.

• BUT there will be no shortage of people trying to tell you what to do. Parenting advice even from strangers will be something you'll get used to. Which diapers, what feeding schedule, what parenting strategy. Take everything with a grain of salt, listen to it and use what wisdom you can (there will probably always be at least some). But you alone make the decisions. Don't ignore advice, but don't feel obligated to follow it.

• You may have some definite "As a parent, I will NEVER..." comments roaming around your head. Be prepared to laugh at your former self and your expectations of what you THOUGHT parenthood would mean. (You will be far less likely to judge other parents again after living through raising a child and all that entails.)

• To say that parenthood is simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding task of your life is absolutely not cliche. You'll understand very soon.

• You might feel either completely overwhelmed or completely numb when meeting your child for the first time. Either is okay. It will be a special day, so bask in it, soak it all in, and enjoy it.

• Time truly will just fly by. Take lots of pictures to remember every moment. But, most importantly, live a life worth memorializing, so that every day, commemorated or not, is a beautiful memory to cherish.

• Memories are exponentially more important than things - and last longer. If you ever have to make the decision between buying a present or paying for a vacation or memory, take the memory.

• You will never take free time for granted again. 

• You will never take going to the bathroom in peace for granted again.

• Sleep deprivation and the (albeit good) stress of having a new addition can really do work on you. It's no joke. Remember that it's temporary. Hang in there. Hang in there. If you can make it through this, you can make it through almost anything.

• When you have a rough day, always remember: "This too shall pass."

• Try not to Google things too often. You'll only scare yourself. If you have a question, ask your pediatrician or someone knowledgeable whose advice you trust.

• The greatest gift you can give your child is their faith in God. Keep yourselves surrounded with those who will build up your faith together as a family. Intentionally feed your relationship with Christ. And always remember - we will keep the little guy in our prayers every day, count on that.

• Your child is an incredibly precious gift from God. Remember how blessed you are, and what a blessing and awesome responsibility it is to raise a child.

• You're beautiful, no matter what you may think the scale or mirror says. Parenthood changes you physically; you're a dang tiger who's earned your stripes. You gave birth to a human being. That's amazing.

• Find the courage and flexibility to both give your complete heart to your family and to keep your individuality. And when you figure that out, let us all know how.

• You might feel like you're under a microscope. You might feel like people are constantly watching, evaluating your skills as a parent - especially as a new mother. Most people aren't judging, just reflecting on what it was like to be in that stage with their kids. They understand and sympathize, and look back with fondness on that stage of life. You bring all of those memories back to them - maybe with even a bit of wistfulness.

• Don't be afraid to ask for help, or take it when it's offered. Whether it's babysitting, laundry help, a meal, what have you. People love you and want to ease the load for you. Some day, you can pay it forward and help out another new parent.

• Don't be a helicopter; don't be a drill sergeant. You'll find the balance.

• Teamwork, planning, and preparation together as parents make a huge difference. We've had many cycles of "with-it-ness" and "not-so-with-it-ness". Lean on each other. Figure out who has what strengths and play to those strengths.

• It's been said elsewhere, and in so many words, but it's so true: The best thing you can do for your children as a mom is to love their dad. So find time for you two together for date nights, evening reflections, sharing the day's experiences, keeping up with each others' hopes and dreams. Strive to put your marriage first - you were a wife before you were a mother.

Love you, and can't wait to meet the little guy!

God bless you, today and always!
Aunt Angela

Getting Logistics of Weekend Visitations

So the judge has ordered extended, unsupervised visitation for the twins and their two young siblings. The Big Sister still is not included in the case, as she will not be returning to the cousins' home.

For right now, the schedule is this: 1st, 3rd, and 5th Saturdays, from 12:00 noon until 6:00 p.m. We are to take the twins to the CPS office in South San Antonio a couple of minutes before, to help with transferring and bathroom breaks and all. The family waiting is supposed to be there fifteen minutes early, stationed in a waiting room inside, then wait ten or fifteen minutes after we leave before they exit the building. The same logistics are supposed to be followed at pick-up at the end of the visit as well.

The caseworker asked if transporting would be a problem. I thought about it for a second, and then explained that it wasn't necessarily a problem, but that committing to all that driving was a big endeavor for us, using a lot of gas, and if transportation was being offered, we would appreciate it.

The human side of me wanted to whine that this is not a normal plan, that our other cases have never had this many visits, and never any unsupervised visits this far away from the final court date. And the problem isn't so much the quantity of the visits as the length of these new extended visits - six hours isn't a lot of time, but getting to the office is almost an hour's drive one-way, which means we have to figure out something to do in the meantime between drop-off and pick-up, or else we're spending almost four hours in the car driving every other Saturday. Plus, the timing is over nap time, so either our other two kids don't get a nap, or we try to get them to sleep in the car, which could happen in theory, but is hit or miss in practice.

So, whine, whine, whine... But this isn't about my personal ease and comfort, and we're supportive of caring for these kids - in all aspects. We're here to do what we gotta do.

The caseworker did offer an idea - if we can drive them to the visits on the first weekend, they can find someone for the third weekend, and we'll play it by ear for the fifth weekend. That is just fine; as I said, we have no problem getting the kids there, it's just a little daunting to be committed to doing it every other weekend.

Anyway, so there it is. We have the first of these lengthy visits this weekend, so we'd appreciate any prayers for a smooth transition during and after. Thanks, everyone!

Court Decisions - 3/25/14

There was a court hearing scheduled for today, as I mentioned in my last post. The biological family was requesting unsupervised weekend visits for the twins. I wrote that I didn't think this was going to be a possibility.

And I was wrong.

The judge yesterday agreed to / ordered six-hour unsupervised visits every other weekend at the home of the former caregivers.

This is obviously frustrating for several reasons:

- The unsupervised factor. The children have not been unsupervised with the caregivers since they were removed in August. They have had supervised visits with the department roughly twice a month for an hour or so since then, and those longer supervised visits with the psychologists observing last month.

- Out of "normal" protocol. Now, I understand that every case is different and needs to be treated so. But we have never had a foster child have unsupervised visits during the case. When it had been decided that Spunky Girl was going back to her parents, she spent two non-consecutive nights there during one week, to ease the transition. (It was a horrible week. The disruption back and forth did such negative things to her behavior and emotional stability. It was too much for her little soul to handle. It would have been better probably to have a clean transition.) Usually cases involve two-four supervised visits at the department office every month for about an hour. We're not sure why this would be different. It would appear to be pointing in the direction that a reunification is imminent, which is not what we've been hearing. In fact, with "new evidence" being set forth last week, we were assuming that things were heading even more firmly towards termination of any rights and ending of case - in June at the trial, of course.

- Our family schedule. We are already transporting the twins twice a month to a location almost an hour away in distance, one-way. We also meet with the other foster siblings once a month. Now there will be two or three more times that the twins will need to be transported. Six hours is a lot of time to kill waiting for the visit to be over. It's not close enough to come home and return later. We'll have to work out details and logistics for this.

- Most importantly: the well-being of the kids. There is always emotional upheaval of course after visits. The little hearts are hurting and confused. It's not their fault that they are in this situation. And I firmly support the need for supervised visits (when parents have been cooperative, free of drug and alcohol abuse, and the visits are positive). The ties need to continue to be strong, to make good memories, and in the case that the kids return to their previous home. Yet, creating more visits with longer lengths of time will only add more stress and uncertainty as the kids are bounced back and forth.

Whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan, moan. I'm sorry to sound so negative. I want to be realistic and truthful in sharing our story, however, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated

We wholeheartedly believe in the foster care program. Our hearts ache for the myriads of children out there who need a stable home environment, for a time or forever. We are here because we feel God called us to do this, and we see it as a ministry. That doesn't make it easy, or that we feel happy with every decision made on behalf of the kids and their cases. The reward is in seeing the growth of the children, sharing their love, knowing you played a part in their development, even for a short while.

Whatever happens, however this chapter ends, it's already been written.

(I do have one bit of good news that happened today. It might need to wait until I can share it, as it's not my news to share, but it's about the new placement being attempted for the other two siblings. I'll post when I know something for sure!)

A Court Hearing on Tuesday

We had a "surprise" visit Friday morning from our caseworker (meaning the one for my husband and I). Well, hello! I'm glad that all of us were dressed and ready and had eaten breakfast, and that the house still looked passable, because it was just before 9:00 a.m.!

We had a normal chat about how the girls are doing, but nothing new and earth-shattering had happened recently because she had been here on Wednesday to speak with us, along with the twins' caseworker about the whole placement situation.

She let me know that the biological family scheduled a hearing for Tuesday to request unsupervised weekend visits. This doesn't seem like a real possibility; in fact, we've never had unsupervised visits happen with our foster kids, except for one or two the week Spunky Girl was transitioning to returning back to her biological parents. It seems like this would/should be something that happens when the case is heading towards reconciliation.

To add to this, the caseworker told me that a new investigation found more evidence to support that negative things were happening in the home before the children were removed, which would strengthen the case to terminate rights.

So, again, God only knows where this train is taking us - we're just hanging on for the ride! We'll hear something Tuesday. God bless!

Changes... Maybe... Maybe not

So, here's the update from the caseworkers' visit this morning, as I promised in last night's post.

The judge, caseworkers, and lawyers, have decided that it is in the best interest to have all four of the young siblings together, and as soon as possible. It was discussed that we were to be given the first choice to take in the other two, since we already have the twins, and that foster home was asking for a change in placement.

Understanding that we already have two other children, Miss A and Little Guy, adding two more would be six children under six, they thought we would probably be feeling that this was a bit of a stretch for us to take on. So, in the case that we said no, they would be putting out notice that the kids are all available for a placement all together. They would be looking for another foster-adopt home, to potentially adopt all four kids together.

The Man of the House and I have already been discussing this since we were first approached last month. We did take it very seriously, searching online for 5 or 6 bedroom houses, and 12-passenger vans. When it comes down to it, we feel we have to make the difficult decision to decline. We literally just don't have enough space in a vehicle for all of us, and the house would be packed to the gills. Day to day life would mean me watching five kids every day all day, with the oldest being Little Guy at 3-years-old.

We want to say yes so badly. It hurts and feels wrong to turn away when someone needs help. My husband has really been a champion for me and helping me think about my own mental and emotional health, acknowledging how much of a challenge this would be for mostly me since I'm the one at home every day, and that I have to consider not putting myself into something that would be beyond what I can actually handle.

Yes, we would be doing a good, selfless thing for all of the right reasons, but would it be the healthiest for all involved? Would we still be able to give each kid their individual attention and the love they deserve if we're spread too thin? It's not the six kids I'm really anxious about themselves;
the twins are pretty well-behaved, Little Guy is getting along really well with them, and we're having fun together every day doing our thing. We've even said that, hey, if God planned us to have five or six kids (eventually), we would have no problem with it. The fact of it all happening so quickly without years of gradual additions. And with the kids being so young, that in and of itself would be overwhelming.

And still it's incredibly painful (and humbling) to admit all of this. I don't want to think of myself as less than perfect, as incapable of anything. I'm a firstborn. We tackle things without sweating and give it our best effort. We're supposed to be the ones who can handle anything.

Knowing that saying no to two more kids at this time is tantamount to giving up the twins is also difficult.

Now, it is still more complex than this. It is incredibly difficult to place sibling groups together, especially four at a time. The agency is going to try, but there's no guarantee that would happen, or happen any time soon. However, the other foster family wants the two siblings out of their home by the end of next week at the latest, so they all have to move quickly. We had to make this decision pretty much today, and it still could end up with the twins not finding another placement and staying with us.

So, we're preparing ourselves to continue to be flexible. We could hear any day that the twins have another placement. Or we could make it to the trial and then we'll find out if the cousins will be granted custody again or if we will begin working towards adoption.

I hadn't mentioned the Big Sister in all of this. She has been moved yet again, to a third new placement. She is still struggling with everything that's happening, and no wonder, and is in a shelter for more serious treatment and care. She is still in our prayers and we hope to get the new contact information soon so we can spend some time with her.

So, maybe some big changes to our home, or maybe not. All we are sure of is that God never leaves us, no matter what circumstances we go through. We appreciate, once again, the kind words and support from all of our friends and family as we walk this path together. It's awesome to know we're never alone!

I Guess We'll Have to Wait Until Tomorrow...

This will be a short update, because not much is happening on the homefront. The visits will continue, twice a month, through the trial date in June.

We did receive a very odd e-mail today. Our caseworker (Tbe Man of the House and me) wrote saying that she needed to come visit, and would 9:00 am tomorrow morning be okay? And the twins' caseworker was coming as well. And The Man of the House needs to be there, so could he get a sub for his classroom for the morning? They (the two caseworkers) need to talk to us together.

I didn't want to overreact, but I wanted to ease our nerves about this. I immediately called, and asked her, "Is everything okay?" She said there was nothing bad happening, but there was something that would take too long over the phone to discuss, so they needed to chat with us in person, "to give us all the information so we could make some decisions moving forward." We were relieved to know that there wasn't anything horrible that had happened, but still pretty stumped as to what the conversation will be regarding.

Obviously, we think it's about their request for us to take in the other siblings. Later on, I also mentioned to The Man of the House that maybe they found a home that could take all five of the kids, and so they want to move them.

Mysterious, mysterious.

Of course it could be nothing of the sort, and maybe they just want to go over case details, so we can be prepared for the trial, since the while thing is a little out of the ordinary, relative to how CPS cases are normally handled. Who knows? I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow...

If we were in this for easy resolutions, we would have gotten out years ago. We know that the entire process is fraught with ups and downs, and that we just need to roll with the punches. We've always said we could handle anything in regard to the foster care and adoption situations, we just need communication, honesty, and "heads-up" whenever possible, to avoid being blindsided.

God has so graciously given my husband such a measure of patience and strength to deal with anything that comes his way. I have learned much from him over the twelve years we've been together. I'm a far cry from having reached this goal, but I like to think that God has taught me patience as well, and is continually refining this part of my character. We are blessed to spend the time that we have with the kids - all of them - and know that it is in His hands.

Thanks as always for thoughts, encouragement, and support. I will update the next step of this journey as soon as I can. God bless!