Christmas Decorating!

I love, love, love, love decorating for Christmas! I actually get excited when I pull out my (admittedly meager) fall decorations, because I know it means that shortly I will be putting them away and getting out the Christmas boxes!

Growing up, we usually decorated the day after Thanksgiving. We had a fake tree because of allergies in the family, except for one awesome year when we cut our own "real" tree from my uncle's property in the mountains. Since we've been married, The Man of the House and I have had both real and fake over the years. We have only a fake tree this year since we'll be gone for almost two weeks visiting family over Christmas break.

We actually cheated and began decorating on the day before Thanksgiving this year. My youngest brother and his girlfriend were visiting and we couldn't help ourselves! The two of them and The Man of the House actually rearranged furniture in the living room to make the tree fit. I like it!

Here are some pictures of our stockings. We don't have a fireplace in the new house (sniff, sniff). We got creative with where to hang the stockings and here's what we came up with:

Here's a close-up of the kids' stockings:

All of the materials that encompassed everything "stocking" were bought at Hobby Lobby. I had already bought the red knitted stockings for our family in the past, and was very excited that they still had them this year. They actually had black Santa belts with gold belt buckles around them, which I removed. The wooden letters were easy to find, as was black paint, a dowel rod to hang them, and burlap ribbon. I painted the letters and rod black and then tied them to the stockings. We already had several stocking holders, so I hung the rod between two of them to fit our growing stocking population!

I'm so looking forward to this Christmas season and hope to make many great memories for the kids, pointing them to the real reason for all of the celebration - the birth of our Savior!

On The Other Side: 5 Years Past Infertility

This Saturday afternoon, we traveled with the foursome to the home of The Man of the House's sister and her husband, our newest brother-in-law. They were married last spring in an awesomely fun beach wedding at Key West where we all were involved with the ceremony. It's a really neat thing to welcome new members into the family and we're blessed that Aunt Kimbie is so happy. AND THEN they told us this past summer at the beach that they were expecting in April of next year. So exciting to have another little one around!

We were heading to their home for a gender reveal party. They didn't tell us beforehand how the big reveal was going to happen, but once the time came, we all - the family and their friends who came to celebrate -  had cans of Silly String, unmarked, covered with wrapping to hide the color. On the count of three, we all sprayed at once... and tons of blue string came flying out at all of us! Everyone was ecstatic and began chattering about how much fun a new little guy will be.

As we drove back, I had plenty of time for musing. The thing that was hitting me was how happy I was for my sister-in-law and her husband, and how finally this feeling was separate from any personal or inward sadness over the fact that we won't ever have biological children ourselves. And I realized that, a few weeks ago, when I was told by our church choir director that she was also expecting in April, I was able to honestly feel happy and excited for her. And maybe what I sensed was also a LACK of a feeling - the lessening of the tug of the grief, waning over time.

Wait. How selfish to say. Are you the reader a little irritated that I even mentioned considering whether or not I was feeling happy and excited about this?

If you haven't gone through infertility struggles, this might be hard to understand. It's also hard for me to articulate. This probably all sounds incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. Why wouldn't you be happy? Someone else's happiness doesn't diminish your own or take anything away from you. Especially something like a pregnancy - it's not like my own pregnancy was personally taken away from me by any other woman I see that is pregnant when I am not.

Five years ago was when my husband and I were living out the nitty gritty parts of our infertility story. Each woman (or man) encountering infertility will handle it differently. For me, it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I'm not saying that to be dramatic; it's the honest truth. I lost my dearly dearly loved grandmother to ovarian cancer when I was twenty-one. That's the only thing that comes close to any actual grief I've faced personally. I feel blessed that the first part of my life was not marked by any deep tragedy for me or someone close to me. I thank God for the blessings and experiences I have had. Infertility was the first grief I really had to face. And for me, it was an incredibly devastating grief.

I always knew I wanted to be a good wife and mother, and that that calling was the most important beyond whatever I did as a career. That's not to say I never wanted a career - I just knew that as much as I loved whatever I ended up doing, I would love being a mom more. I was the girl who was going to be a teacher or pediatrician because I loved kids so much. I honestly worried as a little girl, as I was wont to do and still am, whenever I read the stories of Rebekah and Rachel and Hannah in the Bible - what if I find out my husband and I won't be able to get pregnant?

When no pregnancy happened after a year, we began testing. I watched my friends and my sister get pregnant and I festered an increasing frustration that turned into depression. It was a very dark time for me. By the time the testing began, which added stress in and of itself, I had developed shingles. The doctor told me he had never seen anyone who was my age and as otherwise healthy as I was have shingles. "You must be extremely stressed and you need to relax," he told me. Easy to say, right?

I didn't really talk to anyone about this at first. It's anticlimactic to tell people you're "trying to get pregnant". Infertility is a lonely struggle. You feel like the only person going through it.

And, of course, it doesn't help that everyone seems to be pregnant around you when you're going through infertility. In fact, The Man of the House and I have a joke that I am other people's good luck charm. Whenever I found out that someone else was having infertility problems, I would gently reach out - it's hard to face crises alone! BUT... then, soon, they would be announcing their pregnancy and I would be SO happy for them, honestly and authentically - please understand that - but still left once again to struggle and grieve on my own.

As much as grief is ever present, I've learned that its severity is also cyclical. There are times when things affect me much more than others. I can go a long time between days of really feeling sad about it. The rest of the time, the best way to describe it is like scar tissue - it's there, has made its mark permanently on you, and might make its presence felt at times, may hold you back a tiny bit, but it's not on the forefront of your mind all the time.

I had to come to grips with the fact that this pain cannot be allowed to be all-consuming. There were definitely times when it felt like it was. Like I would never feel happy or whole again. This struggle stole the light from my spirit for a while. The days went on with or without my paying attention to them, or fully living them. I can't make this worse by letting it turn me into someone I'm not.

I'm not pessimistic. I'm not self-consumed. I'm not non-functioning. I'm not broken. We're not doomed forever because of this. I can't become these things.

If anything, I want to use this as a catalyst for strength. I can look back and say to myself, "You've made it through this." I can be proud of how we not only made it through, but thrived - as a couple, and now as a family.

Our story progressed into a journey traveling through foster care and adoption. Others may have a different journey, but there is purpose, both in the journey and in the destination, whenever and wherever that comes. Good can come through any struggle. We can grow.

For anyone going through this same struggle, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will emerge eventually from the darkness. It won't look like the life you planned, and you won't be the same person you were when you began. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel your own journey. Please know you are not alone.

Visitation 11-22-13

Today the twins traveled to San Antonio to have a supervised visit with the previous foster family / cousins. As I was filling in at the school office and the school classes were watching the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special, The Man of the House left early to take the kids.
There isn't really anything to write about regarding the visit. The Man of the House got the kids to the DFPS Office (Department of Family Protection Services) in south San Antonio. The caseworker just retrieved the kids from the entrance and brought them back afterwards. She didn't give any information about the visit other than to say it was "fine".
I wish there would have been more chatting happening afterwards, but I understand that there is a certain amount of privacy the family deserves and that we're not "owed" a play by play of the visit by any means. I will be trying to find time soon to talk with the caseworker and see if there are any new developments in the case, or if we're just hanging tight and gathering information.
There is another scheduled visit on Friday, December 6th. Usually children in foster care have visits weekly, but sometimes it can be every other week, as in Miss A's case after the first few months. Since the twins aren't visiting their birthparents for reunification purposes, but the other family members, as I've said before there isn't much of a set protocol. We'll keep on doing our thing and loving on all of our blessings!

Musings on Being Mama to This Growing Brood

We have had a great weekend. The Man of the House had a basketball tournament to coach, so he was gone Friday and most of Saturday, which meant I had the kids... drumroll... all. by. myself. I have to be honest that it did intimidate me to think about, when we were initially going over plans. The twins are actually still very well-behaved, Praise God, so it wasn't that I was really anxious about anything in particular, or doubting my abilities per se. I know this is what I signed on for, and these days will happen, and all that. But, to think about caring for four young children for an extended period of time by yourself for the first time is daunting.

However, it went great. There was a movie night put on by the school PTL on Friday night, so we all headed up there to watch "Peter Pan". I appreciated immensely the caring gestures of friends and fellow families while we were there; community is an awesome thing! We shared a blanket with another family, some of the "big" girls and boys helped take Little Guy and Miss A to the bathroom for me so I didn't have to haul the twins, and people were offering to get us popcorn and snacks the whole night. To my church and school family: thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and kindness.

On Saturday morning, we had a yummy pancake casserole breakfast. (Instead of making individual pancakes, you pour the batch of batter into a 9x13 pan and bake at 350 until golden brown! MUCH easier and less-time consuming!) After that, I got some cleaning and little things done around the house while Miss A kept the littles occupied pretty much all morning. She is so patient and her little "Mommy" voice saying, "Here you go sweetie," and "Oh, no, no sweeties! We need to share!" are so precious to me. Of course I was right there in the room or vicinity supervising the entire time, but it was great to have her help entertaining them.

A sweet, treasured youth texted me Saturday afternoon informing me that she was coming over to babysit that night, and my husband and I needed to figure out what movie or restaurant we were going to for a date night. Again, such love and generosity; such awesome friends of ALL ages! We went to an Alamo Drafthouse for dinner and a movie, where your food is ordered and then served in the theater and is so yummy.

Church, Sunday School, and naps for all happened on Sunday. I really enjoyed the little bit of shut-eye I obtained!

As I was pondering the events of the weekend and past two weeks of being a family of six instead of four, I have to admit it was "easier" then. How simple and laid back it seems now to have "only" two kids to feed and get dressed and put to bed and arrange schedules for.

It was so much easier in fact before we had kids. Walking to the car after work, knowing we had an evening of good food and quiet television watching together on the couch. Taking a run whenever I wanted. Taking a hot bath whenever I wanted. Only worrying about one pair of shoes - my own. Doing laundry for only two people.

It was so much easier with only one kid. Miss A had our full attention whenever she was with us. If one of us had somewhere we had to be, no sweat. The other was there to step in. One kid is easy to take to meetings, when they can play quietly on the floor for a period of time. One kid is easy to take to the grocery story; they only take up the child seat on the cart and don't weight the cart down.

It was so much easier with only two kids. I have two hands - one for each. Between the Man of the House and me, there were two laps and two kids - perfect! Miss A and Little Guy are each other's best friend and get along pretty swimmingly. We were blessed to have "normal" sibling tiffs over toys and personal space and such, but very rarely, and nothing huge.

Yes, life sure was a lot easier in the past.

But there's no way I would exchange it for what we have now.

I look behind me while driving and see four shining faces and hear their sweet voices singing. I look around the kitchen table while we eat and see the messiness that is four kids under five eating a meal. I watch the kids color together, or play some cute game only they understand, and my heart swells.

I know that the craziness that is toddler life will pass all too soon. The daily routine will be less of a frantic rush to juggle everyone and everything. It will get "easier". And yet, I don't want it to be gone. I want to treasure each stage and soak it all in for as long as we're able. Every day is a glorious adventure when you're two, three, and five. The giggles, the chubby tummies, the toddler talk, the dress-up clothes, the mood swings (well, we'll have those when they're all teenagers again!)... These will be the memories we cherish in the years to come. We're living the golden days on which we'll fondly look back sometime in the future.

My soul is humbly grateful to be here for such a time as this, to be a part of my children's lives at this stage. God is so good, and so faithful to provide strength and patience when we need it the most. He has given us the gift of all four of these little ones, and we thank Him with all of our hearts.

Updates on the Twins' Case 11-13-13

Not a lot is happening at the moment, court-wise.

We got an e-mail from the girls' caseworker, sent to all three families who between us all are caring for the five children. We were told at placement that there are not any visits happening between the twins and the previous foster family, even though the family is fighting the removal and attempting to retain custody of all five children. The judge ordered last Friday, however, that the children need to have a couple of visits before Christmas, so Friday, November 22nd and Friday, December 6th will be visit days (supervised at the caseworker's office).

The caseworker is still using language that supports her words on placement day that she will be doing everything in her power to keep the kids out of that home and able to be adopted elsewhere. She asked us about our future plans that night, and if we would be willing to adopt the girls at the end of the case; of course we said yes. We would have wanted to make that clear at the beginning anyways, that we are a foster-adopt home, that we want to care for children however we can, but that our ultimate goal would be adoption.

It's always interesting to hear about the visits, and hear the caseworker's perspectives on how they went. Since the former family caring for the children are cousins and not parents, we have no clue yet regarding time frame and protocol. We hope those questions will be answered sometime sooner rather than later.

To Our Family and Friends

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your love, kindness, support, encouragement, and prayers.

You didn't ask for this journey. We knew what we were in for, but did you? You didn't ask to have grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces, nephews, babysitting charges, young friends, come and go out of your lives.

You weren't asked by us if you were up to the task of really loving someone who may or may not be in your life forever. Our kids need love - unconditional love - and attention, and healing, and to belong. They need family. They need friends. We and they are asking you to give, give, give, not knowing if they will be "ours" or "yours" for the long run.

You weren't asked to deal with the stress felt by my husband and I as we madly adjust to new additions, with not nine months to prepare, but maybe only nine days. Or nine hours. Or ninety minutes. You weren't asked to put up with a Mama who forgot to send to school a snack, or extra clothes, or whatever else I've already forgotten that I've forgotten.

You didn't ask to sit near a family with four kids who may need multiple bathroom breaks or diaper changes during church.

We chose this life because we have been called to it. 

You weren't asked if it was all okay with you.

And yet, you all have done it.

You all have put up with everything that is the nature of our lives, and have risen mightily to the occasion and to our aid.

We can't thank our families enough for loving our kids. They truly have family now. That right there is enough to both warm my heart and break my heart with emotion. Whether the newest additions stay forever or not, that is something that can't be replaced. You never regret the love you share.

We can't thank our friends enough for the scaffolding you've helped provide in these times of transition for us to help hold us all together. From meals to diapers, you've delivered! From helping to walk our troop to the car to give an extra hand, to lending a listening ear, you've been there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To each and every one of you who has been, is, and will be touching our lives in any way, thank you. You all are so important and valued to us.

I sincerely hope that you understand our gratitude. However poorly we express or show it, please know that it is felt.

You are treasured by us. God bless you always.

Project: Entryway

As we get more and more settled in to the new house (moved 9-1-13), I can begin to think about decorating. We got the big stuff done within the first week, partly because we didn't want to drag it out, but mostly because our caseworker wanted to see the house on the 9th for a walk-through and inspection. I was glad to be finished with moving, even though it was a very busy time with late nights.

Anyway, I had finished some little areas of the house that I worked on as projects, including our entryway. Just wanted to share some pictures!

 Here is the front door with the wreath I bought at Target several years back. I added a burlap-wrapped letter "E" for our family this fall.

 Here's another viewpoint.

This is the last part of Project Entryway, which I just added at the beginning of this month. We had the mirror (an ancient Hobby Lobby purchase) sitting in the garage, waiting to be used, and the shoe organizer (from Ikea) in our bedroom, taking up too much space in front of our bed and serving as just somewhat of a decoration. I needed something to organize the drop-zone that is our front entryway. The only thing that would make it more functional would be cute organizers on the wall to hold papers and other items on their way out of the house, but I like the uncluttered look of it. I will post a picture sometime of my "office" area (just a corner of my bedroom) where I have our family organization center.

This window came from Kyle's grandfather's (PawPaw) beach cabin down on the coast. The family sold the cabin and property after his death in 2004, right before Hurricane Rita demolished the entire area. The cabin was completely gone following the storm. All of the four kids received an old window, as they had been replaced a few years before. This was hanging, plain, above our fireplace mantle at the old house, but as we don't have an fireplace in the new house, I wanted to figure out another place to utilize this fun keepsake. I plan to add more to it, maybe make it seasonal, so I'll post more pictures for fun if I do.

Here's a picture straight on.

Thanks for reading and for indulging me!